While my head quietly spins

I used to suffer from panic attacks, the sort where my body trembled, I could focus on nothing bar the trigger of my panic, it was clear for all to see. I was the girl with anxiety issues and it was obvious. 

In social situations I'd either a) worry for months about going, then not go to avoid panicking or b) I'd go and have to hide or leave after not being able to control the anxiety spin. That was the story of my socialising experiences from the age of 7. Be a meal out, a day out, two-week holiday or a school trip. Of course, I learnt to cope or avoid from an early age, so actually, as much as I know life could have been MORE enjoyable, I'd not been a hermit! 

Things have changed now though. Thankfully, I've not had a full-blown panic attack for years, but that doesn't mean I panic though. I see 'getting though events' as a tick-box, despite craving the enjoyment and for good times to last. So, inside, I might not be filled with terror or paralysing fear of situations, I rarely am, but my GOD I worry.

Wow, do I worry. 

What's worse is I TRY to keep the worry in and cope. I try to be normal. But my head takes me somewhere else. It quietly spins. When most people are embracing the moment, I am worrying about the food I've eaten, what I look like, what I've said, what I am (and what I am not) how I come across. I compare myself to those around me, I envy people's calmness, their clothes, their skin and their lives. Don't tell me I should stop comparing. I know "comparison is the thief of joy..." and all that. 

So what am I trying to say, why does my head quietly spin? That I don't know. But what I do know is that I am REALLY guilty of taking it out on those closest to me. Projection, getting snappy because people can't sense my spinning. I think they should be mind readers, obviously. I wish I didn't do it, and then what's more, I wish I could explain. 

If anyone is the same as me, and has a fairly robust 'brave face' and can turn the confidence on, you'll know what I mean when I say it's sometimes harder than being an outwardly anxious (or avoider) type. It's like I let it all build up, going round and round and round my head then purge the emotions.

I find a quiet moment to try and explain to someone and CAN'T effectively do it, because I don't understand myself sometimes. Not only that, there are thoughts I don't WANT to explain sometimes. I realise this makes me really hard to be around sometimes, I hate it. It's about being in control, I know it is. It's about the fact that my insecurities eat me alive sometimes. It's about seeing myself though negative eyes still. 

Basically sometimes, instead of panic attacks these days, I just let my brain remind me of how I should be.  

"You know what you need to do.."

It's possibly one of the hardest things someone recovering from anorexia will hear. 

In the early days, meals, food, calories, weight targets, blood tests, specific therapy challenges and tasks are set out on a plate for you, they're dictated to you. You really don't KNOW what you need to do. 

You've somehow forgotten everything you ever knew about logic and reason.

A sort of anorexia induced amnesia. 

But from day one I guess I DID know what I'd need to do. Eat, restore weight, work hard. I knew I had to think one thing and do the opposite. I knew I had to run from anorexia.

But I also knew I had no choice, if I wanted to stay outpatient, I knew I had to drink a hundreds of Fortisips, I knew I had to make breakfast and I knew even if I hated every mouthful, even if the world was caving in around me, through hell and high water I knew I had to follow my meal plan.  

I also knew I had to trust my team and what they were telling me. I'd already trusted anorexia and her promises that turned out to be complete lies. She didn't solve anything. 

I knew what I needed to do. I needed to trust in the process. I knew what I needed to do, but fortunately at that point that was dictated, signed and enforced to make me accountable. But I used that 'excuse' to calm anorexia down, I blamed my team and asked anorexia not to be angry at me.  

But now, two and half years into recovery, I DO know what I need to do. I've been learning, practising and doing it for long enough to know and not need to be told again. So they don't. I get told "I know what I need to do.." and they are right. I do. 

I am healthier, I am more aware, I have more of a life again, I am stable. But I am NOT recovered and as much as I hate it or don't feel it (at all) I am not FULLY weight restored. I am not yet fully healthy, either physically or mentally. 

Recovery ticks along. I eat. I am coping with managing the arguments with anorexia and dealing with anxiety. But trusting the process, trusting people, trusting how I feel is harder. Trusting ME is hard.

I will admit, keeping food safe and coping though compensations gives one a false sense of security in recovery. It's easy to say your okay and wave hello from your comfort zone.

Being aware of what I need to do to beat anorexia, escape my comfort zones and challenge myself, but not having Ms. F. dictating food challenges is harder because I know what I need to do.

There is no justification or comprise with anorexia that I HAVE to, I don't, but I NEED to. 

It's painful because it is now the prospect of head on clash. It really is 'Sarah versus Anorexia' and I keep putting that battle off by staying in my bubble. 

I now know what I need to do. I'm just struggling to TRUST that doing it will feel better. So I don't seem to be doing it with any sort of conviction recently, despite knowing and not DOING causing guilt too.

The Recovery Make Up School

Recovery feels more and more like I've got a big box of cosmetics to use when I need. Say you were to get a big spot before a date or a girls night out - make up helps, right? 

You know you can cover it up with concealer - foundation and powder - add some lippy, blow a kiss, tada, good to go. 

(Especially if a makeup artist has taught me apply to it correctly!)   

It makes that damn blemish less red and that concealer has made those ghastly black eyes less noticeable. For now.

The imperfections are are pain, but they're no longer stopping me embracing bits of life, getting out three, I can cover it up and get on with things. For a while.

But I know the spot is there - even if I'm concealing it from the potential new boyfriend or the friends with perfect skin - but you can't keep make up on ALL the time.

Even if on the surface I look improved. Inside I know I will need to deal with that spot at some point, I will need to catch up on sleep and give my skin some serious TLC to make it go away.

I know how - exfoliate - spot cream - stop blocking my pores with the make up to cover it up. 

They're learnt behaviours and techniques which enable me to cover up and control this problem and not miss out in bits of life, that without make up I would. Or it at least makes me a little more confident.

But all the makeup in the world won't solve it, make it go. 

Make up is a extremely handy tool for a short term cover up, a lift, a boost for a single night out or that fix for a blemish on a first date.

As are the learnt techniques or behaviours and known coping strategies in recovery.  BUT what I must remember, like applying make up to clogged up skin, it's not resolving the problem underneath.

In some ways it's actually adding to it. Not helping it to heal.

Walking around in life, getting on with things, thinking all is okay when I can cope, manage and control anorexia isn't the solution.

But it's addictive to just cope, easier, but knowing what I am doing day to day to enable me cope with anorexia, eventually becomes part of the problem if I'm not careful.

Maybe it's time to take the make to off before it gets worse and do what I need to do to clear it all. 

For good. 

Go on, name your price, do me a deal.

What's the price of not having to restore any more weight then? Will paying it make me happy or YOU happy. What is it that makes ME happy. I dare you to do me a deal, Ana. Let's weigh it up.

I am struggling at the moment with the WR / I don't know ME limbo / Why is it FAIR that I can't be recovered at this weight / frustration at not knowing, anything. 

So, I KNOW there is a price to pay for staying at this weight. I know there is, well there are big prices all round. So, let's add up the cost...bear with me. 

I'm not having periods, so, firstly it’s the price of not having children
It’s the price of having my own family. 

It's my health.

It’s not working, it's my career.
It’s not exercising.
It's not allowing myself to fall in love or to be loved.

It’s being left here, in limbo UNRECOVERED

It’s continuing to live a life focused on weight, food, calories.
It’s defining my happiness alongside my eating disorder’s happiness
It's forever measuring my worth in kilos on the scales.
It’s maintaining and managing my eating disorder, not beating it.
It's always eating from a MP
It's being scared
It's being CONTROLLED not IN CONTROL.

So if I don't want to pay these prices, it’s why I need to let go of ALL behaviours,  it’s why I need to stop comparing myself, my life, and my recovery. It's knowing that happiness is worth MORE than paying with these things to make Ana happy, so what's stopping me? 

It’s why, as painful as it is, I need to think LONG and HARD about what SARAH likes, wants and what makes SARAH happy. Not Ana.... Is it being scared of not knowing ME that stops me?

It’s just so had when that’s so ambiguous, when I don’t have a clue what REALLY makes SARAH happy, when the other definition of happiness is SO clear, that clear goal makes Ana’s promises seem attainable. I know her promises of happiness, success and worth are so defined on a scale, but I also know that SHE LIES,

So then, tell me,  why does it still always feel so real? Its seems easier to see it through her eyes, but I suppose that is the problem and how she pulls people back time and time again, why recovery is so hard, because giving up and not figuring out what SARAH likes is the EASY option and I am AWARE that it’s a trick because I KNOW nothing comes for free, nothing that seems that easy.

I DON’T want to live half a life or be like this forever, stuck in limbo, forever. But the part of me is terrified of being fat, ugly and a failure in REAL life. Sarah is scared. This fear teams up with Ana and making her life look desirable DESPITE me actually being aware it’s not. See the battle in my head?

I need to NOT hate this awareness as much as I do though, I need to stop resenting my awareness or drive to recover,  because as hard as it is and as horrible as it is hearing Ana and knowing they are lies, wanting to believe them, wishing they were real or the answer, its the awareness that these are LIES that is SAVING me right now. 

That, and knowing that my team WONT let Ana trick me, I am not alone trying to figure this all out. 

So...I need to stand up. And stop paying for something I know wont make me happy. I need to stop letting her in with behaviours and NBDs. I know I need to stop making deals or wishing I could stay super skinny and ‘controlled’ and watch what I eat AND be RECOVERED, because it is just not EVER going to possible, EVER. I just don’t think I can fully grasp or accept this concept yet, but I am aware I need to.

I am scared, anxious, whatever, of NOT REALLY KNOWING SARAH but knowing that until I let go of ALL of Ana, I am not giving myself the chance to know me. I need to LET GO and LET IT BE and accept I am in the process of finding out, but as painful as limbo is, I CAN’T RUSH. I just need to be.

I need to stop making deals, thinking there must be a way of paying, thinking there's some sort of 'Super Flash Sale' that's going to start that allows me the best bits of Ana for free, as a gift and a loyalty card bonus or special event, because that's not ever going to be the case....there is ALWAYS a price to pay for this weight. It's RECOVERY. It's me. 

Trying to NOT figure out my eating disorder...

It's not that I have ignored my blog, It's not that I have fallen for her games, It's not that I am in a bad place. I just feel a little differently about my recovery...

....for a while I have wondered WHY I haven't written as much, shared as much or had as many 'little affirmations' that I can clearly communicate in neat little packages.  

It's not that life is much better or much worse. It's not that I don't write, I am still journalling away over 10,000 words a week, but I suppose a) I haven't got my head around this layer of my recovery yet and b) I am not TRYING to pretend I understand. c) Not willing myself better, now. 

This is something MsF picked up on this week.

I am always so desperate to 'GET IT' to understand WHY I feel certain things, WHY I can challenge myself, WHY can I do something and then freak out about other stuff. But you know what I am realising...

IT DOESNT MATTER. I DON'T NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW.

I need more patience with my recovery journey and figure it out as it comes. I am not saying this is easy for me, I feel like I SHOULD know. But I am going to try and have more patience with myself. I need to lower my expectations of how quickly I should be recovering and accept that it will take longer than I thought.

As long as RECOVERY is the goal, as long as I TRUST myself and my team and as long as I stay on the right path....I'll get there, in one piece! 

So, apologies, but I am busy recovering a little bit slower, trying to NOT figure out my eating disorder. 

After all, slow and steady DID win the race, right?

Welcome to Recovery Limbo....

....I don't know how long I'll be staying here. I haven't got a plan, itinerary or time frame, sorry. I lost my map.

And here lies the biggest problem for me in recovery right now. No plan. The equation looks a little like this in my head;

No plan + No Control + Lack of Self-Esteem x High Anxiety 

Fear of Failing                                      

= Not wanting to face life with no plan + hating change. 

I feel like the only person in the world with no plan, when I have always been 'the one WITH a plan', even if it hadn't seemed that way at times and I've panicked,  I've always had a plan, drive, ambition, whatever, that's driven me forward and kept me going. I've had lists and timetables and structure. Control. Tick. But now it all feels so, well, disorganised.

Being in 'Recovery Limbo' makes me feel so left out of life, so unprepared, but not ill enough to be completely switched off from it any more. And that's the problem right there. 


When I was more ill, I didn't care about 'life' or a 'plan' - I had resigned myself to Ana's plan, that was safe and only had one track, easy right? THEN came along the choice of the 'Recovery Route' the route I wanted instead. It's a bloody long and tough route to take, but for me, the only one at the moment too.

It's only after 6 months on this track, and after restoring a little bit of weight and doing 'well', that I'm waking up, noticing life around me, sort of whizzing by a lot faster than I can cope with. I feel like I've 'missed something' whilst I was taking the other route. I feel like I've missed some sort of memo, misplaced all my lists, plans, timetables and maps and having to wing it. I don't do 'winging'. Fact.

I just want things to be better. I want a job,  that means I can earn money again. I want to be able to go shopping and buy lovely things. I want my own house again. I want opinions and views again. I want my ambition and drive back. I want to be able to go out without DREADING it or regretting it. I thought this path gave me all that? OR maybe it's just I haven't got to that stop on this journey yet? 

Although I KNOW I want more, I know I want to DO THINGS, something is waking up inside, but I still feel so held back by a barrier – by my eating disorder – by Ana - by my lack of self-esteem and confidence and fear of doing anything new or returning to anything I used to do– in case I mess up again, get lost, what happens then?

When people say ‘think of all the new opportunities you’ll have further along this journey’ Yeah okay, let’s think of all the things I am too scared to even contemplate TRYING because I am scared of failing at them too. So they don’t feel like ‘opportunities’ at all. I don't feel like I have enough of a grip on everything or enough of a plan to face life. But where do I start? 

I'm definitely passing through Recovery Limbo at the moment. With no idea of the next stop, the next track or the final destination.

There are just 1001 things I KNOW I can do, but 1001 things Ana is still convincing me I'll mess up if I try.She's still trying to convince me she knows a short cut or an easier route. She was wrong the last time, 'we' got lost.

I am stressing about trying to get things sorted, trying to get things ticked off my lists and trying to get life back on track. But which track am I meant to be on? That’s the problem I HAVE NO IDEA. I end up not actually getting ANYTHING sorted and just moving around in some sort of limbo for days on end and it is DRIVING ME MAD. I used to be so organised, so planned out, so in control, with direction and ambition. Now what? I don’t know HOW to sort it or WHAT to do and I don’t feel like I CAN sort it.

I just feel like I am not capable of finding the right track, but know I can’t stay on this one forever – I know that, it's not a 'open' ticket, it'll run out eventually and I need to get a new one. I have two options -direct ticket along Ana's path or the choice to carry on the longgggggg 'Recovery Route.' and hope I find some sort of inspirational place along the way? 

Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to Limbo. 

Loosening Her Grip

Recovery is so confusing right? I don’t like that I feel positive and determined one minute and HATE my body and food SO much the next. I don’t get it AT ALL. 

It’s so conflicting and confusing and so constant too.  I want to get better and get my life back but I am SO SCARED of what is happening to my body, yes, I am anorexic and scared of getting fatter. Shocking right?

I know I need to remember how far I have come. Like being able to pick at nuts or cranberries in the kitchen or when I find eating certain snacks or meals feels easier recently, it’s not because I am suddenly recovered or haven’t got AN anymore, it’s  because I am working hard at breaking off those nerve ending that Ana has had so much control over, for so long. 

When I get the 'am I, aren't I' confusion about being anorexic at all, I need to remember that the reason they feel easier to do NOW is because I have already fought HARD to win those fights in this battle. I need to see this is me slowly but surely breaking her down. 

I need to recognise that doing this more and more will result in less being controlled by my eating disorder, the more I win, the more I challenge myself and the more OFTEN I do it, the more I am loosening the grip my ED has on me. 

The eventual result? The less control Ana will have over my responses and emotions to situations and to food, until eventually she will be unable to control my actions, and then we’ll work on her not being able to control my emotions, right?  

But like with anything destructive or with any addiction the longer these habits or responses to situations are in place, the stronger and more consuming they become, the tighter their grip over logical thinking. So the harder they are to break free from. 

Add to this the fact that Ana has the upper hand in already KNOWING THIS. The knowledge that I'll break free from her control  fuels her desire to keep as much grip on me as she can, for as long as she can. In remembering this it’s easier to see why my eating disorder is going to constantly going to convince me that I need to hold off weight restoration, put off challenges with new foods, make me want to lie and hide things and shout at me and make me feel guilty when I turn my back. 

Ana is basically DESPERATE To keep as much control over my physical actions as possible, for as long as she possibly can. It is Ana’s desperation I can hear and her determination to convince me to stay that I am fighting against. Bring it on. 

A picture speaks a thousand words...

..but it doesn't tell you what's going on behind the eyes

and those words could very well be lies.

So before you see what you think you see,

Close your eyes and listen to me. 

I did promise myself I would stop looking back, stop being overly reminiscent, dragging up the past. I promise, I'm slowly learning there is no need. There is only a need to look (and move) forward in recovery. 

However, when talking about 'goal weights' and goals in general I needed to take a look back and think about times when I have perhaps been 'happier' with my body, my weight, myself. Cue plugging in my external hard drive and opening up a folder in Pictures labelled - Ana & Me. 

It's not a folder I wanted to open this early in my recovery, it's full of weight loss pictures, thinspro, pictures of food (lack of food) and my old journals. It could have been a trigger, it could have pushed me back to her life, rules and made me go backwards. 

The reason to this crazy behaviour was something Mrs W and I spoke about last week. How would I feel about setting my old UGW as my target for restoration now? Would it feel different now I am not on a one-track mission to create 'Anorexia's perfect body' would it be the ultimate kick in the bitches teeth to make that my first recovery goal? (Yes, I still need to restore to G1)

Well, I opened up the folder 'UGW Reached' and you know what my first reaction was? Oh, I look really fat. FAT, yes, FAT. I looked straight at my stomach, my thighs, my sides. (N.B my weight plummeted past my original UGW earlier in the summer) No, that weight wouldn't make me happy. I hate that picture. I hate all these pictures. Every picture documenting my fight with AN, every new bone showing, every pound lost, every half pound loss. A set of pictures illustrating my spiralling mental health, the shut down of my life and my pain. But I can't stop looking and looking and looking.

I had to snap out of it, close the folder and rethink this idea... 

The next thing I did was look at old pictures, of happy times, from uni, from London, pictures of times when my mind told me I was fat, but I was happy enough in other areas of my life to tell Ana to zip it and leave me alone. Cue another set of emotions... 

On the outside I look happy, I am smiling, I am with friends, I am even eating cake and sweets and chips in some, but this is what I mean. These pictures hurt EVEN more than the 'Ana and Me' ones, because I don't look back and think of the fun, I look back and see FAT. I see the pain behind my eyes, I see my imperfections and I see all the things I used as ammunition to allow my fall to Ana. 

I saw one photo this morning and had to burn it. It was horrific and the abuse my ED launched at my when I saw it hurt. Instead of seeing me at my nieces 2nd birthday, I saw fat, I saw hippo, I wondered why noone told me to lose weight, I wondered how the guy I was seeing at the time EVER found me attractive. I hated it. So I burned it. 

So, there isn't get a conclusion to this, I don't know how I feel or how much a photograph really proves about happiness, I think it might even say less than the scales, in my eyes at least.

I just need to stop looking back at photo's and memories at the moment. Maybe I'll open up (and burn) more when the time feels right. 

"Yeah, But...."

“You can’t move on to the next chapter until you stop re-reading the last one over and over” ..."Yeah, but..."

It’s something I do and say a lot.

Okay so looking back for a moment,  I lost weight last week, which Ana loved but this week I gained and it’s fairly obvious that Ana really doesn’t like this little stat! I am not excited by it to be honest although I probably should be? I can just about accept it (if I don’t think too much about it) I can accept that it NEEDS to happen. But it is another one of those ‘grey areas’ that I need to embrace. 

It’s NOT going to feel amazing to get better, to gain weight nor will I always feel horrified by it now I am in recovery. It’s not going to be perfect either, but it DOESN’T need to be. It won’t ever be.

I wish I knew how to describe how it feels when I ‘do well’ in recovery. I don’t know how it feels and I can’t define it as good or bad, it’s so strange and I hate that I can’t put my finger on the feeling, its one those ‘grey’ moments I despise. I get this indescribable reaction in my head when someone says: “Sarah your diet is nearly back to normal isn’t that great” I can feel myself thinking, NO, please NO, and the ‘Yeah, but..’ comes in to play.

I guess it is Ana trying to tell me she’d spend so much time and effort making me ‘different’ and ‘better’ than them and now I am going to be the same, eat the same, look the same? She wants me to believe that I need to be more ‘in control’ of my diet than everyone else. I also get the same feeling when people tell me that my ‘face looks so much better now’ and that my hair looks healthier and my eyes more sparkly again. I should LOVE comments like this right? They mean my body is awakening again, I am getting healthier. But no, Ana is constantly trying to creep in to my thoughts, she wants me to hate myself, hate being healthy, the same as ‘them’, worse than others, fat and she hates that I am taking steps away from her and shutting her up. She makes me look for the “YEAH, BUT…” in every compliment, accomplishment or recovery challenge I complete. I need to remain aware that the “Yeah, but..” I think is my eating disorder’s way of getting in to my thoughts and her way to control my mind-set. It is a new technique Ana has developed now she doesn’t always have a say over my food.

I think I also use the “Yeah, but” comments I make on a daily basis also act as a CRY or plea to the people around me  to remember that I am eating  now, but for them to not expect too much from me, to remember that I am still struggling on the inside. That I am still suffering, even though I am eating. I still have to fight the urge to remind people I am quite literally eating ten times more that I was three months ago. I need to stop this negative ‘backwards’ thinking and comparing. Ms F. suggested, try saying “Yes, I am eating my meal plan food, it’s hard but I am trying hard to recover too, thank you” every time I feel a YEAH BUT popping up when talking about food, hunger or portion size.

I need to remember that I don’t need to justify or ‘Yeah, but..” anything or feel guilty for doing well or for fighting this eating disorder, because it’s all I can do right now. The one thing is really can’t fall for is feeling Ana’s guilt, when it is listening to her that has caused this in the first place. I should NOT have to look for the negatives in my recovery to soothe her. Every time I look for them and refuse to accept people’s help or complement it is me soothing my eating disorder. Every time I SOOTHE I am not SOLVING it. 

Time to be a little more forward thinking I think...no 'Yeah. buts...' allowed

What is THIS feeling?

"Good days don’t cancel out the illness or make me a fraud and bad days don’t mean I am stuck with it forever."

I need to remind myself of this whenever I am confused about why I have 'good' and 'bad' days in recovery. I need to remember that recovery is not linear, it's not simple and its really not fake. I am guilty of trying to analyse EVERY mood, thought, choice and feeling, it's something I've been told I need to let go of to enable me to keep going forward....

A journal entry I'd like to share...

"So it's 23.30pm  another day complete on my meal plan and another day in which I have tried new meals, today it was adding grated cheese to my potato.  I had an apple and an advent calendar chocolate on top of my MP and I even added more peanut butter to my supper...all of which are big deals for me!

But I now don’t know how I feel, it’s like I don’t understand WHY some days I can do the extra little things I do, I just don’t get it. How can it be so hard and have all these stresses one minute and then I feel normal another. This really makes me believe that I am holding myself here to PROVE that I am AN or something? I feel like I should be able to snap out of it. I feel like I SHOULD be finding EVERY moment hard, I feel like I should be struggling every day. I just don’t just don’t see how people think I am ‘positive’ or ‘inspirational’ and I feel sometimes like a fraud because I am not believing what I am doing is ‘real’ I suppose it’s because I don’t believe I am I just think I am able to do these challenges, not because I am a fighter but because I am faking my AN

Ana is trying her hardest to confuse me because I have been winning all day. That’s all.

But what I do NEED to do it keep pushing, keep fighting and really embrace the days when it does feel easier and know that EVERY day will feel like that. But I am going to get days when it is tough but in those times I need to aim for days like today and remember that they are positive days that reflect my strength and NOT negative ‘out of control’ days that make me weak, like Ana would lead me to believe. The only real WEAK days are those when I listen to Ana.  Days when I restrict, when I measure, when I cut corners and let NBDs slide. They are the days I am aiming to avoid.

However I need to keep the perfectionism at bay here too. I need to accept that bad/weak days, whatever I call them WILL happen. I don’t need every day to be PERFECT and to feel easy. It just doesn’t happen in recovery. In fact, I reckon I learn more about my ED, about me and about how to cope from the bad days. I can use them to define Ana’s role in my choices and to learn and move forward."

I Wish...

I wish I didn't have to fight
I wish I could fix it all
I wish I didn't cause pain
I wish I wasn't here
I wish I had more
I wish I didn't get in the way
I wish I could cope
I wish I knew
I wish I could make it all better
I wish I didn't feel like this
I wish I was who I could be
I wish I wasn't a burden
I wish I had my independence again
I wish I never listened
I wish I was stronger
I wish I was in control
I wish I was perfect
I wish I was content
I wish I was happy
I wish I could make them happy
I wish I didn't care
I wish I knew
I wish things were different

I just wish.

My Body NEEDS Christmas...

...it's excited, it's starting to wake up and act like a child at Christmas. A child that's been waiting for so long for the love, magic and excitement of Christmas Day, that they don't want it to end, ever...

This is the only way I can cope with the new bag of feelings being emptied in my head right now, but it's a festive way of coping at least!

A common theme in all of my therapy sessions and dietician appointments is always my fear of feeling greedy, gluttonous, out of control with food and with feeling hunger. In reality I have never been out of control with food - I just live in fear that I 'could be' or it might happen if I let my guard down. Obviously in the past Ana has been able to convince me I was right. That these were bad and acting on hunger = fat.

Now at a point in my recovery where I am on meal plans. Meal plans which get more substantial week by week because I haven't been able to restore (or maintain) any weight so far. Meals plans designed for weight restoration, for health restoration and meal plans that I don't DARE add up the calories of. But meals plans I TRUST are going to help me win. However,  I am still faced with all these feelings, her voice and a whole new set of emotions each time I eat.

"Of course, it's going to FEEL like you're overeating, you're eating 10x more food (and calories) than you were 6 months ago."

and my dietician is right...I am. So comparatively I am eating lots, I will FEEL greedy and I will have moments when I feel like I 'don't need all this food' and tell myself "I survived without it didn't I?" 

But that's the difference. My body was SURVIVING (just) and not actually LIVING. Which is why it's so excitable now. A child can survive without Christmas, true, but it's so much better when they can truly enjoy it and feel the magic! 

My body gets excited each time I eat. It's like each mouthful and each extra snack I have or each challenge I complete. It's like my body skips around like a 5 year old given too much fizzy drink at a birthday party. I need to embrace these moments, I need to think positively about them. I need to keep them coming. 

Realistically and scientifically I need to remember that my body is waking up, it's taking each bit of energy, each calorie, each bite from everything I eat and putting it to work. Fixing my liver, repairing my bones, building muscle and yes, adding fat (to keep me warm right?) so if I accept the state my body is in (see the 'denial' paragraph!) then it's kind of obvious that the food I'm putting in has a lot of work to be doing!

It also means that even though I am eating what sometimes feels like a day-long-eat-a-thon to me, I might still feel that ever-dreaded 'H' word, Hungry. I still struggle with the fact I shouldn't feel hungry and that feeling hungry EVEN though I've eaten more, leads to greed, which leads to fat. and Ta Da, Ana jumps in. 

But like a friend on Twitter pointed out this morning when eating more ReadyBrek than last week felt easier than Ana said it should, like I'd eaten TOO much, that I didn't NEED to increase;  "Remember, she'd say anything was too much - proof that she lies" very wise words don't you think? 

Which brings me to a common theme. Denial - see 'Ana Says I'm Faking It'  ....Ana still leads me to believe, if I was REALLY anorexic, I'd find it hard to finish each meal. If I was REALLY anorexic that I'd ignore hunger and look at calories. Oh, the denial right? I should be wise enough to believe that I am am REALLY anorexic, but an anorexic who's chosen recovery. This doesn't mean I am NOT anorexic. 

My body lives in fear that I will stop feeding it again. It is scared that it if doesn't act, doesn't speak up and tell me it NEEDS more, I won't bother. It's worried that if it doesn't keep getting food whilst it can that it will stop living again. I need to stop underestimating the intelligence of this lump of mass I have here, because it's pretty smart, it remembers. I just hope it forgives too! 

It's like a child at Christmas, excited all of December, for that one magical day, it's can't wait. Then when it comes, they never want it to end, worried life will never be that magical again. But it will be, next time. I just need to make sure my body knows that it happens with every meal, not once a year...!

The excitement on Xmas eve, I remember it well!

I never was good at long distance...

I keep thinking about why I am here now after everything. A new way of looking at it I figured out when I was talking about everything during a really deep session with my psychotherapist.  

"I have ended up here because I have finally stopped running from my feelings"

There was only ever going to be so much I could do to distract myself from how I felt about myself, how much I could distract from how SHIT I felt about myself. 


Quite simply that  I couldn't keep myself busy forever. Running between journalism and gymnastics, shopping, visiting people, going out, partying, reading, men, men, men, watching TV (more shopping) and working my ass off in the gym whenever I could. It would end in me burning out physically and psychologically in the end, and it did. 


I have always avoided being honest about how I really felt about myself, how jealous I get, how much I envied others, their lives and bodies. How I wanted to be perfect, wanted to be the best, wanted more from myself. I need to accept that this was always anorexia and the physical side effects of my eating disorder have only been on show since I have stopped running from these feelings and thoughts. 


I got tired of running away from ‘her’ tired of keeping up the front and tired of hiding behind everything I want to be or want to have. Whenever I felt really bad about my body or life, I'd spend hours wondering around Westfield or Selfridge's buying shoes and having facials, to distract from the real feelings. Never clothes, I hated my size and trying them on, Hmm!


In the last 12 months my ED has taken full control of my life and my life has been consumed by anorexia, but in the past, the behaviours and thoughts and feelings have come in waves and just kept getting stronger and stronger each time. Until they got too fast and strong to run from any more.


I need to accept that my life has become the way it has now because I have been running for so long


If I ever needed proof that I need to sit still, psychically and emotionally. It’s right here. I need to be honest, truthful, mindful and aware about everything if I am going to solve what I have been running from. If I don’t speak the truth now I might not get another chance. I will just be running forever, running from my feelings rather than dealing with them or being led to believe that ‘they aren't that much of a problem.' or that I don't really have AN or I am NOT as bad as the next girl who's fussy with food. 


 I need to SIT, be STILL and accept that I need to not distract myself or keep denying that I have a ‘real’ problem and remember that I never did like running long distance.....

Ana Says I'm Faking It...

..so I must be? Right?

WRONG.

But she’s getting good at trying to tell me that I am faking this, I am not a ‘true friend’ or really anorexic because I am slowly, very slowly leaving her behind. Her new favourite game is to see how long it takes to convince me that I am causing my own problems and my eating disorder – which is usually the same amount of time it takes me to eat a meal or drink a coffee with actual sugar syrup! This is becoming a worse feeling than the guilt of eating.

Take last night for example…Ana was telling me whilst I was making my dinner that that I should put less lentils on my plate, that I should really only eat half of my pitta bread, that that beef tomato is far too big, and I should only eat half. I found the strength to ignore her on all accounts. (Well, I suppose I could have put a few more lentils on my plate, but I did take an extra little mouthful to prove a point!) Whilst I was eating all her thoughts were whizzing around my head, but I ignored and carried on eating until I was finished, and it felt good. Until I let myself think about it.

So, instead of accepting that I enjoyed my dinner and being proud of disobeying her abusive rules, I listened to her and caught up in the confusion over what I had eaten. She has found a way in, that isn’t as obvious as controlling the food I put on my plate or in my mouth. It’s like she’s trying to convince me that I am no longer anorexic because I just ate my dinner. All of it. That I am faking this whole disorder, that I am fraudulent anorexic because I can eat now. The fact I am strong enough to ignore her during (some) meals means I’m ‘cured’.

This is totally the ‘D’ word cropping up, yes, DENIAL isn't it? I know if I listen her and believe her or wasn't aware of what her games are now she has my meal plans to get around, she’d pretty much keep me right here, not challenging myself and under her wicked, wretched watch.

I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself  that my new-found ability to ignore her at times doesn't mean that I no longer have anorexia, it doesn't mean that I am faking this, it doesn’t mean I am dragging it out because I like it (I don’t) it means I am FIGHTING it. 

I need to remind myself to EMBRACE moments when I feel strong and not panic that these moments mean I have lost control over my life, recovery or eating. I need to not let Ana in on these moments and make me feel guilty for having little snippets of freedom from her. Or worse, let her convince me that because I find moments where I feel strong enough to silence her and because I am starting to enjoy and WANT some food, that I am okay.

The more I fight, the stronger I will become, the quiet she’ll be and the easier recovery will get, right?

POEM: The Longer This Goes On

A poem I wrote to remind me of the importance of ignoring the last little bits of Ana's games. How detrimental these little games can be and how they get under my skin.

I need to keep fighting. I need to keep snitching on her to my EDU team and those NBDs need to get switched to VBDs...every time.

The Longer It Goes On

The longer it goes on,

The harder it gets,

The longer I stall,

The less I forget.

The fuller I feel,

And the less I weigh,

The harder it gets,

To keep her away.

The more I hold on,

And the longer I stall,

The harder it gets,

And harder I’ll fall.

I don’t want to listen,

And I don’t want to care,

But whenever I try,

I still feel her there.

There when I think,

There when I talk,

There on the scales

And there when I walk.

She’s there when I try,

And there when I don’t

There when I eat

And there when I won’t.

I take steps away,

I run, jump and hide,

I block out her voice

But she’s hiding inside.

Waiting to grab me,

Waiting for control,

Stood there judging me,

Waiting for my soul.

I’m speaking my truth

And exposing her rules,

I’m trying to fight

And using the tools.

The tools I have,

And the strength I can find

To get back my body

And retrieve my mind. 

(c) S. Robertson 2011

Bella Reminds Me Of Someone..?

....dying, weak, pale and skeletal, being eaten from the inside by a demon?

As a Twilight fan I queued for my midnight screening last night of Breaking Dawn Part 1. Those of you who have read the book and now seen the film will know the story. Bella finds she is pregnant with Edward's child/vampire/immortal featus after having sex on their honeymoon on the Isle of Esmee.

A 'being' inside of her, sucking the life out of her, making her weak, killing her. Her resistance to help from the people who love her, her determination to let 'it' control her and her unwillingness to listen to those around her, as they have to watch her slowly dying as a result.

For anyone else suffering with or attempting recovering from Anorexia Nervosa will probably agree, it all sounds very familiar.

Scenes from the film, showing Bella becoming thinner, more emaciated, weaker and less coherent really, really hit home for me, it shocked me and has been playing on my mind since.

As I was sat counting my days' calories, wondering if I looked greedy or fat trying 3 pick and mix sweets, as I worried about tomorrow and the day after on my meal plans, got anxious about seeing what I was seeing and as my session at the clinic earlier that day sunk in, I realised that what Bella and Edwards unborn 'child' was doing to her, is what Ana is doing to me.

The scenes were really hard to watch. It was hard to watch her becoming weaker and more skeletal. The pain in Edward and Jacob's eyes as they watched the girl they loved dying from her determination to keep hold of something that was killing her. Seeing her lying on a hospital bed, too weak to move.

Watching her get in to the bath, her spine and shoulder blades showing, her collar bone prominent, was a little too close to home for me. It shocked me and reminded me of what I have to look at in the mirror every day at the moment. It reminded me of how much damage I have done to my body in my quest for perfection. Bella didn't look beautiful in that scene nor did she represent life. She didn't look perfect. She looked ill, weak and she represented death.

I thought of all the girls who have already lost their lives to anorexia, all the girls who were so determined to keep hold of Ana, striving for Ana's perfect, those who listened to her for too long, lost their lives striving for comfort from something or someone who was ultimately sucking the life out of them. 

It choked me.

It also reminded me that it could be me, it could be any of the Recovery Warriors I look to for support and those I hope I give support to, it could be the girls who go to the clinic I go to, the girls who are IP, those who are OP, the women who suffer with AN their whole lives. It could be me.

The thing is, Bella has Edward to catch her last breath, he could help her with his venom, give her immortality. Save her. What I need to remember, and what I hope other people striving for recovery remember, is that we don't have Edward Cullen to save us.

We just have our own courage, strength and the support of our therapists, dieticians, friends and family to make sure our inner demon doesn't kill us.

Keep strong and listen to the people standing around, watching the life being pulled from us and remember how hard it was to watch Bella lying, dying. I will.

Feeling Hungry?

A recovery affirmation for a Wednesday afternoon from the depths of my journal...

"WHEN I RELAX ABOUT FOOD, WHEN IT FEELS EASIER TO EAT, WHEN I AM HUNGRY AND NOTICE IT IS NOT ME LOSING CONTROL….IT’S ME WINNING" 

AND MY GOD.... I need to remember this and never forget it.  I need to remember that it is okay to enjoy food and for it to be easier and less scary to eat.

That is a snippet of how people function WITHOUT Ana controlling them isn't it?  Yes, these moments are still very rare for me, but I continue to make myself feel bad and guilty about them when they happen anyway, so they feel like bad feelings and thoughts, not positive ones. This is me doing this. This is Ana twisting it. 

Ana has convinced me for so long that these are WEAK feelings, like being hungry.

Really, I know I should be embracing these new feelings, I should be glad I am starting to feel them and I should be AIMING to feel them all the time. Let's see how that goes shall we?

Counting Calories...

A journal entry I wanted to share highlighting that even with my new food plans I am STILL trying to battle the urges and compulsions to add everything up..all the time.

"I need to remember I need to STOP COUNTING THE CALORIES. Although, if I am honest with myself, I am still having a lot of trouble remembering that.

I am also struggling to not worry that by not counting the calories in everything that It will mean that I will completely OVER eat and get huge. I feel like I SHOULD BE counting calories and totting them up and knowing how many I have eaten at any given moment. To me this feels normal, it feels like it should happen and is just the way eating goes. You know what you've had and how much it is. 

The problem is that NOT knowing feels so weird and alien to me and I really can’t get my head round that. I feel sort of irresponsible and out of control not knowing. I need to rewire my brain thought because I need to not care, because for as long as I care this much about the exact calories Ana is going to be listening and watching and waiting just around the corner to trip me up when I have ‘eaten too much’ and praise me for ‘eating too little’

I know I need to trust that Ms. F hasn’t given me a zillion calories to consume per day, although it feels like it. I need to trust that she is in fact giving me enough to restore my health, my liver function and yes, my weight. Her and Mrs W. just want me to get BETTER and RECOVER. 

I just can’t help stressing though because I am, in black and white, eating A LOT more than before, even a lot more than two weeks ago. BUT I NEED TO. I am not on a bloody diet any more, I am not meant to have the purpose of maintaining or losing weight, I am not restricting for Ana anymore. I need to not ‘watch’ what I eat to lose a few pounds; I don’t need to eat to look healthy. I need to embrace recovery and get a grip. 

Life is not a diet any more."

Dearest Body...

Dearest Body,

I know we have never really gotten on have we? I have always given you such a hard time about the way you look on the outside and hated that you wouldn't change for me in an instant.

You have NEVER been good enough for me, never met my high standards and perfect criteria. I have wanted to trade you in so many times over the last 20 years.

I have always bitched about you, poked, prodded and grabbed you, called you names and demanded an upgrade to a better, more perfect, desired model.

But the thing I am sorry about now though is never acknowledging what a good job you were doing on the inside. You really were doing a good job of keeping me healthy weren't you? Despite me not always giving you the high quality nutrition you deserve.

In my efforts to transform you in to some sort of perfection I thought I'd be happy with, I have messed that up though haven't I?

You're obviously having a hard time coping at the moment, I can tell. But I am really, really sorry and I am trying my hardest to sort that out for us.

I promise I will try and begin to accept you for you. I will start to take better care of you, without taking advice from Ana. I hope one day we can be friends, I really do.

Love, S x

POEM: It's Always Been You

A poem I have written recently about accepting how long I've heard Ana, how long I have be a slave to our 'friendship' and about being AWARE of her voice, as a way of separating myself from her. 

It’s you, it’s always been you

Inside my brain

Making me compare

Causing my pain

The frustration inside

The signs

The symptoms

The thoughts

It's you isn't it?

That makes me compare

That tells me I'm know good

That knife in the back

I thought you understood

The guilt

The shame

The food

The blame

It's always been you

Hearing your voice

Listening

That's not new.

The way you attack

Your plan for me

You waited so long

For them to see.

My need for perfection

My desire for control

Your need for power

My weakened soul

My dreams and life

You rip in two

And to Think I believed

And put my trust in you