"You know what you need to do.."

It's possibly one of the hardest things someone recovering from anorexia will hear. 

In the early days, meals, food, calories, weight targets, blood tests, specific therapy challenges and tasks are set out on a plate for you, they're dictated to you. You really don't KNOW what you need to do. 

You've somehow forgotten everything you ever knew about logic and reason.

A sort of anorexia induced amnesia. 

But from day one I guess I DID know what I'd need to do. Eat, restore weight, work hard. I knew I had to think one thing and do the opposite. I knew I had to run from anorexia.

But I also knew I had no choice, if I wanted to stay outpatient, I knew I had to drink a hundreds of Fortisips, I knew I had to make breakfast and I knew even if I hated every mouthful, even if the world was caving in around me, through hell and high water I knew I had to follow my meal plan.  

I also knew I had to trust my team and what they were telling me. I'd already trusted anorexia and her promises that turned out to be complete lies. She didn't solve anything. 

I knew what I needed to do. I needed to trust in the process. I knew what I needed to do, but fortunately at that point that was dictated, signed and enforced to make me accountable. But I used that 'excuse' to calm anorexia down, I blamed my team and asked anorexia not to be angry at me.  

But now, two and half years into recovery, I DO know what I need to do. I've been learning, practising and doing it for long enough to know and not need to be told again. So they don't. I get told "I know what I need to do.." and they are right. I do. 

I am healthier, I am more aware, I have more of a life again, I am stable. But I am NOT recovered and as much as I hate it or don't feel it (at all) I am not FULLY weight restored. I am not yet fully healthy, either physically or mentally. 

Recovery ticks along. I eat. I am coping with managing the arguments with anorexia and dealing with anxiety. But trusting the process, trusting people, trusting how I feel is harder. Trusting ME is hard.

I will admit, keeping food safe and coping though compensations gives one a false sense of security in recovery. It's easy to say your okay and wave hello from your comfort zone.

Being aware of what I need to do to beat anorexia, escape my comfort zones and challenge myself, but not having Ms. F. dictating food challenges is harder because I know what I need to do.

There is no justification or comprise with anorexia that I HAVE to, I don't, but I NEED to. 

It's painful because it is now the prospect of head on clash. It really is 'Sarah versus Anorexia' and I keep putting that battle off by staying in my bubble. 

I now know what I need to do. I'm just struggling to TRUST that doing it will feel better. So I don't seem to be doing it with any sort of conviction recently, despite knowing and not DOING causing guilt too.

The Recovery Make Up School

Recovery feels more and more like I've got a big box of cosmetics to use when I need. Say you were to get a big spot before a date or a girls night out - make up helps, right? 

You know you can cover it up with concealer - foundation and powder - add some lippy, blow a kiss, tada, good to go. 

(Especially if a makeup artist has taught me apply to it correctly!)   

It makes that damn blemish less red and that concealer has made those ghastly black eyes less noticeable. For now.

The imperfections are are pain, but they're no longer stopping me embracing bits of life, getting out three, I can cover it up and get on with things. For a while.

But I know the spot is there - even if I'm concealing it from the potential new boyfriend or the friends with perfect skin - but you can't keep make up on ALL the time.

Even if on the surface I look improved. Inside I know I will need to deal with that spot at some point, I will need to catch up on sleep and give my skin some serious TLC to make it go away.

I know how - exfoliate - spot cream - stop blocking my pores with the make up to cover it up. 

They're learnt behaviours and techniques which enable me to cover up and control this problem and not miss out in bits of life, that without make up I would. Or it at least makes me a little more confident.

But all the makeup in the world won't solve it, make it go. 

Make up is a extremely handy tool for a short term cover up, a lift, a boost for a single night out or that fix for a blemish on a first date.

As are the learnt techniques or behaviours and known coping strategies in recovery.  BUT what I must remember, like applying make up to clogged up skin, it's not resolving the problem underneath.

In some ways it's actually adding to it. Not helping it to heal.

Walking around in life, getting on with things, thinking all is okay when I can cope, manage and control anorexia isn't the solution.

But it's addictive to just cope, easier, but knowing what I am doing day to day to enable me cope with anorexia, eventually becomes part of the problem if I'm not careful.

Maybe it's time to take the make to off before it gets worse and do what I need to do to clear it all. 

For good.