Rough Seas and Recovery Sharks

Anyone swimming from anorexia will know severe storms can throw us off course during recovery, send us flying into rocks or pull us to the very bottom in one enormous wave.

But that's not the only danger in crossing this vast ocean of discovery. There are hundreds, thousands, countless obstacles to overcome on this journey. 

Almost a year ago I wrote about the sharks lurking in these waters. Ready, waiting to devour those of us who let fear of swimming towards a calmer shore halt us, leave us treading water in these infested seas. 

Despite recognising the dangers of staying afloat in the same place, I thought I had the energy, knowledge and wisdom to out-swim the sharks. Brave, strong, determined. But it's happened....the sharks have caught up with me and are taking bites out of my body. It's hurting me. 

I've been out here at sea for so long, I've learnt how to survive, endure and live. But I haven't reached the Recovery Shore.

Without realising what treading water would do, I've been dragged backwards through my lack of swimming ahead. I knew floating and missing strokes would wind me back here, but I've given in too many times to the waves crashing over me, without noticing the damage each one caused. 

In some ways, seeing a clearer water, enjoying the sunshine from a strong place and the sharks letting me live a little have lured me into a false sense of security. But they've never really gone, they've just been distracted. 

But they've sensed my fear. And they're back, circling. 

The survival skills learnt out here do put me in a stronger position than before, my stroke is practised and I hope I've learnt a lesson from this attack. It's up to me to swim again. 

I need to remember I've got reasons to swim, nothing waits for me back at the anorexic coast, it's a dark, cold and lonely place. Staying here or being dragged back will pull me down to the bottom of the ocean, with no hope of return. 

What's worse this time, but also what will help me endure the pain of moving again is that I am not obsessed, fascinated or attracted by the sharks and by anorexia or the promises of a paradise back at shore. 

I know those lies, I've not been heading that way. She's not got the same power over me but this is proof that treading water allows her to send her sharks to me. 

But  instead of just 'washing up' at 'recovered', which never happens. I've ended up drifting backwards, getting weaker and forgetting where I was meant to be headed and why. 

That's got to scare me more than swimming through this storm.

(I need to remember why I have my anchor ink too. This storm could be what saves me if I swim on)

The Recovery Make Up School

Recovery feels more and more like I've got a big box of cosmetics to use when I need. Say you were to get a big spot before a date or a girls night out - make up helps, right? 

You know you can cover it up with concealer - foundation and powder - add some lippy, blow a kiss, tada, good to go. 

(Especially if a makeup artist has taught me apply to it correctly!)   

It makes that damn blemish less red and that concealer has made those ghastly black eyes less noticeable. For now.

The imperfections are are pain, but they're no longer stopping me embracing bits of life, getting out three, I can cover it up and get on with things. For a while.

But I know the spot is there - even if I'm concealing it from the potential new boyfriend or the friends with perfect skin - but you can't keep make up on ALL the time.

Even if on the surface I look improved. Inside I know I will need to deal with that spot at some point, I will need to catch up on sleep and give my skin some serious TLC to make it go away.

I know how - exfoliate - spot cream - stop blocking my pores with the make up to cover it up. 

They're learnt behaviours and techniques which enable me to cover up and control this problem and not miss out in bits of life, that without make up I would. Or it at least makes me a little more confident.

But all the makeup in the world won't solve it, make it go. 

Make up is a extremely handy tool for a short term cover up, a lift, a boost for a single night out or that fix for a blemish on a first date.

As are the learnt techniques or behaviours and known coping strategies in recovery.  BUT what I must remember, like applying make up to clogged up skin, it's not resolving the problem underneath.

In some ways it's actually adding to it. Not helping it to heal.

Walking around in life, getting on with things, thinking all is okay when I can cope, manage and control anorexia isn't the solution.

But it's addictive to just cope, easier, but knowing what I am doing day to day to enable me cope with anorexia, eventually becomes part of the problem if I'm not careful.

Maybe it's time to take the make to off before it gets worse and do what I need to do to clear it all. 

For good.