Rough Seas and Recovery Sharks

Anyone swimming from anorexia will know severe storms can throw us off course during recovery, send us flying into rocks or pull us to the very bottom in one enormous wave.

But that's not the only danger in crossing this vast ocean of discovery. There are hundreds, thousands, countless obstacles to overcome on this journey. 

Almost a year ago I wrote about the sharks lurking in these waters. Ready, waiting to devour those of us who let fear of swimming towards a calmer shore halt us, leave us treading water in these infested seas. 

Despite recognising the dangers of staying afloat in the same place, I thought I had the energy, knowledge and wisdom to out-swim the sharks. Brave, strong, determined. But it's happened....the sharks have caught up with me and are taking bites out of my body. It's hurting me. 

I've been out here at sea for so long, I've learnt how to survive, endure and live. But I haven't reached the Recovery Shore.

Without realising what treading water would do, I've been dragged backwards through my lack of swimming ahead. I knew floating and missing strokes would wind me back here, but I've given in too many times to the waves crashing over me, without noticing the damage each one caused. 

In some ways, seeing a clearer water, enjoying the sunshine from a strong place and the sharks letting me live a little have lured me into a false sense of security. But they've never really gone, they've just been distracted. 

But they've sensed my fear. And they're back, circling. 

The survival skills learnt out here do put me in a stronger position than before, my stroke is practised and I hope I've learnt a lesson from this attack. It's up to me to swim again. 

I need to remember I've got reasons to swim, nothing waits for me back at the anorexic coast, it's a dark, cold and lonely place. Staying here or being dragged back will pull me down to the bottom of the ocean, with no hope of return. 

What's worse this time, but also what will help me endure the pain of moving again is that I am not obsessed, fascinated or attracted by the sharks and by anorexia or the promises of a paradise back at shore. 

I know those lies, I've not been heading that way. She's not got the same power over me but this is proof that treading water allows her to send her sharks to me. 

But  instead of just 'washing up' at 'recovered', which never happens. I've ended up drifting backwards, getting weaker and forgetting where I was meant to be headed and why. 

That's got to scare me more than swimming through this storm.

(I need to remember why I have my anchor ink too. This storm could be what saves me if I swim on)

Life on the anorexic scale

Anorexia isn’t just ill or recovered. It is a scale. A trapping spectrum.

 Whether you are living with, managing and maintaining anorexia at a BMI* of 14 to keep you out of inpatient treatment, at 18 or at 20 with more subtle behaviours, you remain on that anorexic scale. 

To achieve FULL RECOVERY you need to be OFF that varying scale all together. This is fact. 

Therefore, I am not safe, free, recovered at all. I am on the scale and I want to get off it. 

It's only ever anorexia telling me I am not ‘as anorexic’ as the person keeping their BMI lower than me. I'm not at risk. 

It's only anorexia convincing me I'm not on the anorexic scale, because I have reduced my risks by restoring some weight and not displaying explicitly anorexic behaviours – by eating and not wanting to lose weight, but not wanting to gain either. But the cold hard truth is, I am still on that fucked up, ambivalent anorexic scale. 

*All BMI numbers are random and not used as medically specific examples.

A neat little box of anorexia, food and life?

"Wow, the range of veggie food in here's growing, that's brilliant..."

...But Is it? 

For me, a recovering anorexic, it's much more than that simple observation.

Stood in the refrigerated veggie section of my local supermarket today, I could have challenged myself, expanded my diet, tried new foods. But, I picked up boxes, looked at them. Considered putting them in my basket, but ran away from buying nothing more than my 'usual'. Again.

It’s a lot more than whether I chose to buy them or not. I've been thinking long and hard about what it is that scares me about trying food and expanding my diet, is that more food feels out of control and more variety feels irresponsible, unpredictable, dangerous, almost?

What if I try it?
What if I like it?
What if I want it again?
What if I keep wanting it?
What if keep eating it?
Will I want it every week?
What won't I have if I add this?
What if doing this makes me fat?
Is this food ‘who’ I am?
Do I really want to try ready meals?
Do I want them in my life?
Do I want other foods to juggle?

How will more new, or resurrected foods, fit with my life, my structure, my meals, and my plan? I guess it feels overwhelming to have more food, more variety, and more options.

It’s like I can't figure out where new foods fit in to my plan, how? Do I trust them, do I trust me? Why do I WANT to add or try more foods, isn't it just easier and better and safer to just stick with what I eat now? I have variety (more variety than I have EVER had in my life, actually) So why add more? I'm fine, healthy, I eat carbs don't I, I hit the recommended number of calories a day, just look at the things I DO eat, so what's the point? 

It throws up a ridiculous amount of uncertainty, but I need to remind myself that the desire for it to FIT in with my 'plan' as it stands and my way of thinking about food isn't just down to me is it? Really? 

I want Ana to accept it and say it's okay for me to add more variety, calories, bigger meals. I want Ana to be okay with me adding more to life too, but she doesn't want that either. SHE'S NOT GOING TO IS SHE? 

It doesn't fit my PLAN or my thinking, my meal plan or rules not because all of them are still governed to an extent by anorexia. It’s a reminder that my meal plan and my need to control it all so closely are maintaining my eating disorder, not pushing my recovery.

They don’t FREE me at all. It is all still part of my eating disorder’s control OVER ME.

That’s why it feels uncomfortable, strange, bad, naughty almost, to even LOOK or consider buying these foods or any new food, let alone EAT it. Whether it’s a different packet of rice with 50 more calories, a yoghurt that’s got 10 more calories per 100g in it or a lasagne that’s got two whole DAYS worth of old 'anorexic calories' in it.

This is WHY I can't FIT these things into my life right now, it’s why I DON’T try them. It's why I constantly pick up and put down new foods, probably 90% of foods in the supermarket, every time I look. I just stare at these things sort of longingly on the shelves, all the foods I dismiss immediately because of their calorie content, whether I like them or not, whether I want to try them or not. It’s not always because I don’t want to TRY it, it’s because I feel like I CAN'T try it. 

This is more proof that I am not recovered or living freely or purely by MY rulebook. This is more evidence that I am not yet living a life I would live without anorexia, it’s not yet my 'third position', despite me thinking I am already there. 

I can't fit, and will never be able to fit this stuff, new foods, new people, new experiences in to THIS life. They will never fit in to anorexia’s routine, rules or plan for me. 

Yes, okay, until now I have been able to squeeze all this stuff into her plan, gradually increasing the 'acceptable' calories in the Quorn or Linda McCartney products I eat, the number of calories in a meal or the number of slices of bread I 'can' have.

But it is getting to the point where I need a new box, because I can't squeeze any more life in to this one. It just doesn't fit in here. 

It’s like my anorexic box is bursting at the seams with bits of ‘life’ I’ve crammed in here. 

It feels so all over the place and in consistent and conflicting because sometimes I can't find the life bits from the anorexic bits in this VERY messy place.

Honestly? Even figuring this out terrifies me, and I realise there is a MASSIVE difference between recognising WHY it doesn't fit with my plan or structure and changing that – but at least it’s making a little more sense. But now I need to accept that a full, happy, healthy life will NEVER fit in Ana’s rigid box.

Why doesn't it FEEL better?

I was reminded by MrsW of an analogy of an abused wife or girlfriend leaving her partner this week and I need to CONSTANTLY think about this and not turn back...

She may leave her husband and escape the physical abuse, she’s in a safer place physically, but she doesn’t just automatically feel better. 

There's still the fear, nightmares, dread.

She may feel worse. She doesn’t have a house, a home, a partner, alone, scared, unsettled, unsure of the future and everything else. 

There’s regret for choosing an unknown path. 

She still believes what her abuser’s told her – she’s useless, pathetic, not good enough, undeserving. He tells her she'll not making it alone.

But she HAS made progress - She's STRONG for leaving. 

She is taking steps to a future, freedom. It’s not automatically going to FEEL that way, but it is happening.

And it’s same with anorexia.

I’ve chosen this path, I don’t know where it leads, recovery doesn’t feel better for a long time, my eating disorder is still convincing me I’m wrong, that I’m not worthy and a fraud, but it’s a step, it is progress.

 I’d be a fool to return to constant beatings and lies. Like she'd be a fool to return to him.