When's a habit a behaviour or a decision a deal?

It'll come as no surprise that I've always been a creature of habit. But when a large chunk of your life has been spent with unhealthy habits, sometimes the comfort of said habits is actually doing more harm than help. 

What I still struggle with is the internal debate on where the line is on habits and eating disordered behaviours actually comes. With the routine and habits that on one hand I see as 'just getting on with life' but on the other are maintaining a semi-recovered status quo. 

Remember those 'no big deals' I battled early in recovery? The NDB habits which Ms. F and Mrs W. challenged everyday when I altered, switched or left bits off my meal plan? Well I guess I should have challenged them more back then, because they're so natural to do.

It's not like the behaviours - or habits - cause me distress or upset though. But I wouldn't know if challenging them does, because I don't do it very often. That's the thing. I do just get on with life. But does that life include controlling my diet, avoiding high calorie 'junk' food and having rules around when I am 'allowed' or 'not allowed' to 'treat' myself by eating out or adding a bread roll? Yes. 

So how is that recovered I hear you ask? Easy, it's not, because I am not free to eat what I want, when I fancy it. I am not free from guilt and I feel like I need to 'earn' those treats. Do I feel guilty for eating or bad when people point out how much, or what I eat or if I think people look 'healthier' than me. Yes. 

But on the other hand, do I WANT to include most of the foods I don't have in my diet? No not really. So this is the conundrum I am in. With no 'weight restoration' plan or dietitian setting out 'challenges' to test anorexia, I don't - or feel the urge to - I just have these habits. My diet. 

I do jut get on with life, but life where I eat lots of salads and 'meat' (Quorn) and have the same 400 calorie breakfast, similar lunches and rotated dinners everyday. I have basket loads of fruit a week and pile my plate with veggies. I eat the same suppers, custard or soya yoghurt with dried fruit and granola for supper. Every. Single. Day. Unless of course, I eat out with colleagues or friends. Once or twice a month. There's some calories I don't count, some things I don't even think about anymore, but I wish I had tried harder to erase the mental calorie 'rough guide' I started when I stopped obsessing. Because that's my guide everyday.

Like I've mentioned in previous posts since discharge, I never hit the golden target weight I was first set, I was a kilo or two under (but in a healthy BMI for a year). And since starting life outside the EDU, my weight's not plummeted, but I have not gained over that number either. The thought of the month I get on the scales and I am that target, scares me. I know this is not right, ok?

But then again, are these just all habits I'm stuck with in an 'anorexia hangover' - or are they behaviours that still control my life? This is the debate I still have. The deals I still do? I don't know. I just get on with living with them and try to ignore food thoughts - and don't really tell people HOW I feel anymore. I just fit them in my routine and try to cope. 

Oh, burger...it felt normal.

"....You need to start eating out more, with people, eating outside your bubble, eating in real life,"  suggested Ms F.  Sarah rolled her eyes and moaned; "But I've never liked eating out, it's not anorexia. I don't want to or care, I just don't see the point." Ms F gave Sarah 'that look' implying that she'd at least have to try and said; "Maybe by doing it more often and trying new things and making it normal, you WILL begin to enjoy it...?"

Knowing deep down that Ms F. is right. Normal non-anorexic and emetophobics actually enjoy eating new foods, in restaurants, with friends. (who'd have thought?) I went ahead and booked at table at The Bear Grill in Stafford.

A new eatery for me, and on my current food recovery work theme of challenging my lingering healthy/unhealthy, safe/unsafe, thin/fat, greedy/non-greedy thinking, it tied in perfectly for Ms F...

 I knew I was going to have to order burger and chips. 

It's okay, their website says; 

"Where once the traditional burger was seen purely as a fast food option, gourmet bear grill burgers are knocking tradition on the head. The Bear Grill have created a nutritious sophisticated product using the best and freshest ingredients available. Innovative and exotic combinations bring together the freshest produce prepared with care and attention to maximise flavour" 

I like this local Staffordshire group of bars and restaurants (I ate at The Swan with my friend Sam recently too)  they've all got fresh, locally produced food, they actually have decent vegetarian options AND even better, they do not print any calories, anywhere on their menus. Hallelujah. 

I want to say I was terrified, I want to tell you how awful it was, that there were tears, panic attacks and near cancellations. Yes, Ana would love that to be what I'm about to say. But she's going to be gravely disappointed. 

Because, well, it all felt surprisingly normal. 

We actually sat on this table too. 

I was looking forward to catching up with N, telling her about work, life and having our usual political rants. I was interested to hear how her PhD was going and having a moan about our usual moans. Normal stuff.

I'd already checked out the menu online (again, thankful no calories to be seen) so I felt prepared, something I've learnt through CBT and found really useful in recovery.) I ordered my Sweet Potato and Bean Burger topped with mango chutney, which is served with chips and salad. I slurped my Diet Coke and waited for my food to be freshly made. 

The usual thoughts were with me all day I shouldn't have that snack because I'm eating out. I won't have supper after (I did), I won't eat all of it (I did), I can't do it before this months weigh in (Ms F cancelled, so actually I have), I need to run because I've eaten out. I DON'T eat CHIPS (well, actually after years of not eating them I've have them twice this week)

I tried all day, and still am trying to be honest, to justify, analyse, work out the possible calories, gather meanings, reasons or rules. I body checked for a 'burger shaped belly' this morning, the eating disordered thoughts are still there before and after, but I accept that. I have anorexia after all. 

But last night, during my burger, it was all rather, well, normal. In fact, it was a really nice dinner. I enjoyed eating it (and would recommend it too). 

I really don't want it to be normal. Part of me hates that it felt normal. It annoys me that I can say I enjoyed the taste of the burger and the evening itself. Part of me despises it's something two normal 28 year old friends would do, on a girls 'date night' to catch up. Part of me is dreading people telling me they're proud of me FOR this too. Why be proud, it's just food? 

I'll leave it to YOU to work out which 'part of me' hates this. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suddenly 'fine' with eating out, I didn't eat the chips. I don't suddenly want to book top tables and the top restaurants and I very much doubt I'd 'go in blind' with out researching and preparing myself.

But sometimes living in recovery is about using the tools and putting them into action, doing challenges and seeing what it stirs up inside. But oh, burger me, I've certainly let Ana down here. 

A neat little box of anorexia, food and life?

"Wow, the range of veggie food in here's growing, that's brilliant..."

...But Is it? 

For me, a recovering anorexic, it's much more than that simple observation.

Stood in the refrigerated veggie section of my local supermarket today, I could have challenged myself, expanded my diet, tried new foods. But, I picked up boxes, looked at them. Considered putting them in my basket, but ran away from buying nothing more than my 'usual'. Again.

It’s a lot more than whether I chose to buy them or not. I've been thinking long and hard about what it is that scares me about trying food and expanding my diet, is that more food feels out of control and more variety feels irresponsible, unpredictable, dangerous, almost?

What if I try it?
What if I like it?
What if I want it again?
What if I keep wanting it?
What if keep eating it?
Will I want it every week?
What won't I have if I add this?
What if doing this makes me fat?
Is this food ‘who’ I am?
Do I really want to try ready meals?
Do I want them in my life?
Do I want other foods to juggle?

How will more new, or resurrected foods, fit with my life, my structure, my meals, and my plan? I guess it feels overwhelming to have more food, more variety, and more options.

It’s like I can't figure out where new foods fit in to my plan, how? Do I trust them, do I trust me? Why do I WANT to add or try more foods, isn't it just easier and better and safer to just stick with what I eat now? I have variety (more variety than I have EVER had in my life, actually) So why add more? I'm fine, healthy, I eat carbs don't I, I hit the recommended number of calories a day, just look at the things I DO eat, so what's the point? 

It throws up a ridiculous amount of uncertainty, but I need to remind myself that the desire for it to FIT in with my 'plan' as it stands and my way of thinking about food isn't just down to me is it? Really? 

I want Ana to accept it and say it's okay for me to add more variety, calories, bigger meals. I want Ana to be okay with me adding more to life too, but she doesn't want that either. SHE'S NOT GOING TO IS SHE? 

It doesn't fit my PLAN or my thinking, my meal plan or rules not because all of them are still governed to an extent by anorexia. It’s a reminder that my meal plan and my need to control it all so closely are maintaining my eating disorder, not pushing my recovery.

They don’t FREE me at all. It is all still part of my eating disorder’s control OVER ME.

That’s why it feels uncomfortable, strange, bad, naughty almost, to even LOOK or consider buying these foods or any new food, let alone EAT it. Whether it’s a different packet of rice with 50 more calories, a yoghurt that’s got 10 more calories per 100g in it or a lasagne that’s got two whole DAYS worth of old 'anorexic calories' in it.

This is WHY I can't FIT these things into my life right now, it’s why I DON’T try them. It's why I constantly pick up and put down new foods, probably 90% of foods in the supermarket, every time I look. I just stare at these things sort of longingly on the shelves, all the foods I dismiss immediately because of their calorie content, whether I like them or not, whether I want to try them or not. It’s not always because I don’t want to TRY it, it’s because I feel like I CAN'T try it. 

This is more proof that I am not recovered or living freely or purely by MY rulebook. This is more evidence that I am not yet living a life I would live without anorexia, it’s not yet my 'third position', despite me thinking I am already there. 

I can't fit, and will never be able to fit this stuff, new foods, new people, new experiences in to THIS life. They will never fit in to anorexia’s routine, rules or plan for me. 

Yes, okay, until now I have been able to squeeze all this stuff into her plan, gradually increasing the 'acceptable' calories in the Quorn or Linda McCartney products I eat, the number of calories in a meal or the number of slices of bread I 'can' have.

But it is getting to the point where I need a new box, because I can't squeeze any more life in to this one. It just doesn't fit in here. 

It’s like my anorexic box is bursting at the seams with bits of ‘life’ I’ve crammed in here. 

It feels so all over the place and in consistent and conflicting because sometimes I can't find the life bits from the anorexic bits in this VERY messy place.

Honestly? Even figuring this out terrifies me, and I realise there is a MASSIVE difference between recognising WHY it doesn't fit with my plan or structure and changing that – but at least it’s making a little more sense. But now I need to accept that a full, happy, healthy life will NEVER fit in Ana’s rigid box.

Standing Still equals Staying Ill

One of the hardest things I am learning to accept in recovery is the concept of continual CHANGE and the constant moves FORWARD that are essential in putting space between myself and my eating disorder. 

There is no time to sit still, no chance to catch your breath sometimes, but I suppose I can save that for when Ana gives up trying to convince me her life is happier and more fulfilled. I already know she's an expert liar, I just wish she'd give up trying to fool me. 

There's been a lot of change recently. CHANGES in my WEIGHT, CHANGES in my BODY, CHANGES to my MEAL PLANS and the most exciting is CHANGES in my THOUGHTS towards recovery...

The most relevant quote here would be “DO IT NOW; DON’T PUT THINGS OFF. IF NOT NOW, WHEN?” this can be applied to food, weight and recovery in general. 

I am still struggling with the weekly-WI's but my NEW theory. It's like getting waxed, the outcome will be worth it eventually, but my gosh it hurts. Doing it slowly and putting pulling off the little strips makes it feel 10 x worse than if you just GO for it and rip it off. So, prolonging the fact that to recover I have no choice to gain weight or not, recovery requires it. So I need to just DO IT, restore my weight to a healthy number and work with my team to help my head catch up. 

Finally, I have restored enough weight to PROVE to my team and to ME that I can do this. The trend has completed  a 360 and is now pointing in the right direction (away from Ana!) Although I am under NO illusion that there is a LONG old road ahead of me, it feels good to be making progress and for my hard work with food to be paying off health-wise. It's taken me 6 months of intense work with my Team at the EDU to get my weight back above my admission weight. But I have done it. Something else I've learnt in the last four weeks? They weren't lying, even little steps out of a 'dangerous' BMI make you feel so much more ALIVE and it DOES make everything a little less, well,  blurred. 

Same with food. I am learning to accept that there would NEVER be a right time for me to eat certain foods in Ana’s world. I would go FOREVER without another bite if she had a say right?

So every challenge, every new meal, every new food and every construct, rule I break and lie I see,  is me turning my back on my disordered behaviours in my disordered world. The more times I can turn my back, the more times I can disobey Ana, the closer a full recovery gets. 

This concept is helping me face challenges head on and realise that I shouldn't feel guilty or like I am 'messing everything up' because I'm not. I am fixing things the only plan I am messing up is HERS for MY life. And what was that plan? It was to strip me of everything, including life itself. 

‘THE LONGER I SEE AND ACCPET MY BODY THE WAY IT IS, THE MORE ‘NORMAL’ IT BECOMES’

Another reason to keep moving, to keep restoring weight and accept the changes in my body HOWEVER hard it is to do...

I was reminded by Mrs W recently that when she first assessed me I said that I ‘knew my legs were too skinny and I don’t want them to be’ This was a massive wake-up call too because now I think they look FAT and I don’t like them getting bigger. It reminded me that it is EASY to accept a body that isn’t healthy, one I never thought Id have, easy to stand still and avoid CHANGE. 

It’s a body that I’ve got used to seeing and one Ana has convinced me is BETTER or more PERFECT than the one I’ll have if I am Weight Restored, even if it isn’t healthy.The age old Ana lie that I often believe is "I’m not THAT skinny anyway" I can see how easy it could be to get caught here if I am here too long.

I need to remind myself  on a daily basis that my body IS going to have to CHANGE it HAS to if my life is going to CHANGE and if I want to make a run for it from Ana. The sooner I can really ‘feel’ like it is getting better, the sooner I can get used to a new, healthier body and work towards reducing the negativity about it. 

Without accepting the CHANGE in my body, I wont be able to CHANGE my life from one controlled by food and Ana to one that I control and one in which I start to regain parts of my life that my eating disorder has slowly taken from me....

Now, if none of that is reason to keep moving, I don't know what is......as they say, no rest for the wicked!