"You know what you need to do.."

It's possibly one of the hardest things someone recovering from anorexia will hear. 

In the early days, meals, food, calories, weight targets, blood tests, specific therapy challenges and tasks are set out on a plate for you, they're dictated to you. You really don't KNOW what you need to do. 

You've somehow forgotten everything you ever knew about logic and reason.

A sort of anorexia induced amnesia. 

But from day one I guess I DID know what I'd need to do. Eat, restore weight, work hard. I knew I had to think one thing and do the opposite. I knew I had to run from anorexia.

But I also knew I had no choice, if I wanted to stay outpatient, I knew I had to drink a hundreds of Fortisips, I knew I had to make breakfast and I knew even if I hated every mouthful, even if the world was caving in around me, through hell and high water I knew I had to follow my meal plan.  

I also knew I had to trust my team and what they were telling me. I'd already trusted anorexia and her promises that turned out to be complete lies. She didn't solve anything. 

I knew what I needed to do. I needed to trust in the process. I knew what I needed to do, but fortunately at that point that was dictated, signed and enforced to make me accountable. But I used that 'excuse' to calm anorexia down, I blamed my team and asked anorexia not to be angry at me.  

But now, two and half years into recovery, I DO know what I need to do. I've been learning, practising and doing it for long enough to know and not need to be told again. So they don't. I get told "I know what I need to do.." and they are right. I do. 

I am healthier, I am more aware, I have more of a life again, I am stable. But I am NOT recovered and as much as I hate it or don't feel it (at all) I am not FULLY weight restored. I am not yet fully healthy, either physically or mentally. 

Recovery ticks along. I eat. I am coping with managing the arguments with anorexia and dealing with anxiety. But trusting the process, trusting people, trusting how I feel is harder. Trusting ME is hard.

I will admit, keeping food safe and coping though compensations gives one a false sense of security in recovery. It's easy to say your okay and wave hello from your comfort zone.

Being aware of what I need to do to beat anorexia, escape my comfort zones and challenge myself, but not having Ms. F. dictating food challenges is harder because I know what I need to do.

There is no justification or comprise with anorexia that I HAVE to, I don't, but I NEED to. 

It's painful because it is now the prospect of head on clash. It really is 'Sarah versus Anorexia' and I keep putting that battle off by staying in my bubble. 

I now know what I need to do. I'm just struggling to TRUST that doing it will feel better. So I don't seem to be doing it with any sort of conviction recently, despite knowing and not DOING causing guilt too.

Oh, burger...it felt normal.

"....You need to start eating out more, with people, eating outside your bubble, eating in real life,"  suggested Ms F.  Sarah rolled her eyes and moaned; "But I've never liked eating out, it's not anorexia. I don't want to or care, I just don't see the point." Ms F gave Sarah 'that look' implying that she'd at least have to try and said; "Maybe by doing it more often and trying new things and making it normal, you WILL begin to enjoy it...?"

Knowing deep down that Ms F. is right. Normal non-anorexic and emetophobics actually enjoy eating new foods, in restaurants, with friends. (who'd have thought?) I went ahead and booked at table at The Bear Grill in Stafford.

A new eatery for me, and on my current food recovery work theme of challenging my lingering healthy/unhealthy, safe/unsafe, thin/fat, greedy/non-greedy thinking, it tied in perfectly for Ms F...

 I knew I was going to have to order burger and chips. 

It's okay, their website says; 

"Where once the traditional burger was seen purely as a fast food option, gourmet bear grill burgers are knocking tradition on the head. The Bear Grill have created a nutritious sophisticated product using the best and freshest ingredients available. Innovative and exotic combinations bring together the freshest produce prepared with care and attention to maximise flavour" 

I like this local Staffordshire group of bars and restaurants (I ate at The Swan with my friend Sam recently too)  they've all got fresh, locally produced food, they actually have decent vegetarian options AND even better, they do not print any calories, anywhere on their menus. Hallelujah. 

I want to say I was terrified, I want to tell you how awful it was, that there were tears, panic attacks and near cancellations. Yes, Ana would love that to be what I'm about to say. But she's going to be gravely disappointed. 

Because, well, it all felt surprisingly normal. 

We actually sat on this table too. 

I was looking forward to catching up with N, telling her about work, life and having our usual political rants. I was interested to hear how her PhD was going and having a moan about our usual moans. Normal stuff.

I'd already checked out the menu online (again, thankful no calories to be seen) so I felt prepared, something I've learnt through CBT and found really useful in recovery.) I ordered my Sweet Potato and Bean Burger topped with mango chutney, which is served with chips and salad. I slurped my Diet Coke and waited for my food to be freshly made. 

The usual thoughts were with me all day I shouldn't have that snack because I'm eating out. I won't have supper after (I did), I won't eat all of it (I did), I can't do it before this months weigh in (Ms F cancelled, so actually I have), I need to run because I've eaten out. I DON'T eat CHIPS (well, actually after years of not eating them I've have them twice this week)

I tried all day, and still am trying to be honest, to justify, analyse, work out the possible calories, gather meanings, reasons or rules. I body checked for a 'burger shaped belly' this morning, the eating disordered thoughts are still there before and after, but I accept that. I have anorexia after all. 

But last night, during my burger, it was all rather, well, normal. In fact, it was a really nice dinner. I enjoyed eating it (and would recommend it too). 

I really don't want it to be normal. Part of me hates that it felt normal. It annoys me that I can say I enjoyed the taste of the burger and the evening itself. Part of me despises it's something two normal 28 year old friends would do, on a girls 'date night' to catch up. Part of me is dreading people telling me they're proud of me FOR this too. Why be proud, it's just food? 

I'll leave it to YOU to work out which 'part of me' hates this. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suddenly 'fine' with eating out, I didn't eat the chips. I don't suddenly want to book top tables and the top restaurants and I very much doubt I'd 'go in blind' with out researching and preparing myself.

But sometimes living in recovery is about using the tools and putting them into action, doing challenges and seeing what it stirs up inside. But oh, burger me, I've certainly let Ana down here. 

"Yeah, But...."

“You can’t move on to the next chapter until you stop re-reading the last one over and over” ..."Yeah, but..."

It’s something I do and say a lot.

Okay so looking back for a moment,  I lost weight last week, which Ana loved but this week I gained and it’s fairly obvious that Ana really doesn’t like this little stat! I am not excited by it to be honest although I probably should be? I can just about accept it (if I don’t think too much about it) I can accept that it NEEDS to happen. But it is another one of those ‘grey areas’ that I need to embrace. 

It’s NOT going to feel amazing to get better, to gain weight nor will I always feel horrified by it now I am in recovery. It’s not going to be perfect either, but it DOESN’T need to be. It won’t ever be.

I wish I knew how to describe how it feels when I ‘do well’ in recovery. I don’t know how it feels and I can’t define it as good or bad, it’s so strange and I hate that I can’t put my finger on the feeling, its one those ‘grey’ moments I despise. I get this indescribable reaction in my head when someone says: “Sarah your diet is nearly back to normal isn’t that great” I can feel myself thinking, NO, please NO, and the ‘Yeah, but..’ comes in to play.

I guess it is Ana trying to tell me she’d spend so much time and effort making me ‘different’ and ‘better’ than them and now I am going to be the same, eat the same, look the same? She wants me to believe that I need to be more ‘in control’ of my diet than everyone else. I also get the same feeling when people tell me that my ‘face looks so much better now’ and that my hair looks healthier and my eyes more sparkly again. I should LOVE comments like this right? They mean my body is awakening again, I am getting healthier. But no, Ana is constantly trying to creep in to my thoughts, she wants me to hate myself, hate being healthy, the same as ‘them’, worse than others, fat and she hates that I am taking steps away from her and shutting her up. She makes me look for the “YEAH, BUT…” in every compliment, accomplishment or recovery challenge I complete. I need to remain aware that the “Yeah, but..” I think is my eating disorder’s way of getting in to my thoughts and her way to control my mind-set. It is a new technique Ana has developed now she doesn’t always have a say over my food.

I think I also use the “Yeah, but” comments I make on a daily basis also act as a CRY or plea to the people around me  to remember that I am eating  now, but for them to not expect too much from me, to remember that I am still struggling on the inside. That I am still suffering, even though I am eating. I still have to fight the urge to remind people I am quite literally eating ten times more that I was three months ago. I need to stop this negative ‘backwards’ thinking and comparing. Ms F. suggested, try saying “Yes, I am eating my meal plan food, it’s hard but I am trying hard to recover too, thank you” every time I feel a YEAH BUT popping up when talking about food, hunger or portion size.

I need to remember that I don’t need to justify or ‘Yeah, but..” anything or feel guilty for doing well or for fighting this eating disorder, because it’s all I can do right now. The one thing is really can’t fall for is feeling Ana’s guilt, when it is listening to her that has caused this in the first place. I should NOT have to look for the negatives in my recovery to soothe her. Every time I look for them and refuse to accept people’s help or complement it is me soothing my eating disorder. Every time I SOOTHE I am not SOLVING it. 

Time to be a little more forward thinking I think...no 'Yeah. buts...' allowed

VBDs are the new NBDs...

Right, I need to sort it out. It’s been FAR too easy to accept these ‘no big deal’ slips over the last few days. It’s NOT okay that I avoided the Starbucks coffee, not acceptable that I knew I was able to pull the wool over my friend's eyes because she didn’t know the difference in my head between a Costa coffee and a Starbucks (Yes, the difference is 50 calories!) It is also not okay that I didn’t have a 200+ calorie cereal bar for a snack, when I know too well that my dietician and I discussed that it HAD to be over 200. It’s definitely NOT okay that I skipped supper last night either.

Ana was super quick to get in there and I know it.Truth be told, it totally made me feel better after all the stress of the family, the bloated and fat feeling was squished a little. I let her ‘soothe’ my anxiety like a fool. I fell back to her for that little bit of support because my Mum was in bed and I knew I could. 

I am disappointed. It is such a snowball effect from keeping close company with Ana this week, not full on company, not isolating or destructive company, but 'just enough' to snowball. 

The little ‘no big deals’ add up. Like weighing my food and counting and skipping higher-calorie options, like walking too much, like keeping more active then I am meant to, like putting one less spoon of porridge in my bowl...no biggy right?

It frustrates me how easy it is to let her soothe all those worries away sometimes though. I give her little bits of control here and there and she finds ways to get under my skin and tally up the ‘no big deals’ It’s scary how she can help me pull the wool over some people’s eyes, use their lack of understanding and ignorance to her advantage. These 'no big deals' are the reason I have been so slow in starting any sort of weight restoration and why my liver has been in deterioration. So, they are big deals aren't they? 

I need to be stronger than this, I need to stop kidding myself that I am stronger than her and I need to remember that letting her soothe anxieties means I will be stuck with the bitch for A LOT longer, for an even more tedious and torturous journey.

I keep trying to keep reminding myself that I am going to feel like this feel fat and feel like my stomach looks huge and round and flabby at the moment as my body changes. As my body soaks up the nutrition and goodness I am putting back in it.  I am going to feel full. I am going to be hungry and stuff all at the same time. I am going to crave food or hate food. But I need to remember that  I WONT feel like this forever.

 I need to trust my team on that one because I still can’t see past the weight gains, the fat, and the upward numbers or past my body not being what I want. But more than anything right now, I need to remember that NO BIG DEALS ARE VERY BIG DEALS in recovery. I need to be honest and tell my team about ALL of these moment and put strategies in place to fight them. Everytime.

From now on any moments I find the urge to give in to Ana, those NO BIG DEAL moments have to be quickly transformed in to VERY BIG DEAL moments and I need to act there and then on the switch. Not afterwards, but in the moment.

New Month, New Approach

WOW. Honesty has been OOZING out of me today. It's tough, I get these pangs of guilt to Ana, but that's what I NEED to do. I have 'snitched' on her a lot today and that's what I am going to keep doing, until she no longer TRUSTS me!

I have also taken a MASSIVE leap, jump, skip, run today and put ALL my trust in my recovery team. I SUGGESTED, yes I SUGGESTED that I now need the meal plans they've been hinted at.

I decided that Ana was all too often creeping in on my meal choices, my choice to miss snacks and cut corners with calories and generally making meal time choices a nightmare. Not anymore.

Ms F. and I have worked out all my meals, snacks and suppers until next week and I HAVE to complete the whole lot. There are days I am already terrified about, I know there will be times when Ana gives me massive conflicts and REALLY has a go, but there is NOTHING she can do to alter the food I eat.

I'll now be able to 'agree and disobey' and hopefully 'disagree and disobey' her and I will be able to breakdown the conversations I have with Ana over food, without it affecting my calories/choices and meals.

One of my major problems is seeing food as 'good and bad' and 'healthy and unhealthy' and life in general as 'black and white'. Something I need to change during recovery to enable me to embrace the grey areas, but for now, this meal plan is black and white. That is good.

If I DON'T eat the meals or snacks Ana is winning
If I DO stick to the plan. I win.

It's going to be easy to discuss during sessions. Easy to see where I succeed and to see IF Ana succeeds and it stops Ana being able to blur my thoughts of whether I've had and good or bad week regarding food when I am asked.

Yes, It means I lose control over my meals on a day to day basis. Something I thought I'd never be able to accept, but I need to so I can beat this, so I can recover and so that control doesn't get handed over to my worst enemy, I might have mentioned her....Ana?

P.S. Day 1 of meal plans - SUCCESS! (Just need supper with my Fortisip and it'll be a full house!)

Something Feels Different..

I am not sure WHAT or WHY and finally after 3 weeks of really, really struggling I am starting to FEEL more positive about this recovery thing.

I am getting little flecks of positivity, little moments of hope and more 'lightbulb' moments than I have had since I  recognised my struggles with anorexia and finally asked for help back in May.

I am scared to be happy about this. But I need to go with it, I need to know that this is me awakening and finally getting my head round what it is I need to do to get better. It's like I am getting less scared of jumping, less scared of what will happen on the fall and becoming more able to TRUST that Mrs W, Ms F and my friends and family will be there to catch me.

One statement that came up in my session on Friday with Mrs. W. really helped, more than I can imagine.

"Think of it like this, what have you got to lose? If you restore your weight and REALLY hate it THAT much, you know you are going to be able to lose it again. You know you know how." 

Mrs. W said I should take this thought and use it as a safety net, a comfort blanket keeping me warm as I venture into the unknown.

I KNOW she's saying this, however crazy it sounds, because she is confident that I won't feel worse once I am in 'positive energy' I need to trust her confidence in me, because she must have it, she wouldn't use being 'friends' with Ana if I get scared as motivation if she didn't would she?

What I added myself was that if I DON'T try, if I don't restore weight, I will never know. But if this journey takes me to a place I really hate, and I do fall back to Ana, least I will have tried. What have I got to lose by giving it a go?


You never know, Mrs. W might just be on to something here.....

Why Don't I Jump?

MAKE THE JUMP FOR GODS SAKE! 

The books and videos and blogs are right, the EATING IS THE HARDEST PART but it is the part that will make the difference to me right now. It is the difference between THINKING positively – this week has FELT positive in my head but I need to now make FEELING positive in to actually being POSITIVE. But this is going to mean REALLY facing my fears and jumping in.

This is so scary, but everything I have read and watched (both my Jenni Schaefer) has said the same thing, that it is the scariest bit, it is the hardest bit but I HAVE TO JUMP, TRUST MY PARACHUTE will open.

I have been thinking ‘strong’ all day and now it is 9pm and time to actually eat more I get scared and totally back out of it and talk myself out of adding to my calorie totals, convincing myself that 800 calories is fine. This is what I mean when I say I feel strong when I read about it, I know it’s in me to do it, to jump but in reality Ana keeps dragging me back and makes me feel weak. I keep saying I’ll wait till XX time or ‘I’ll do more tomorrow’ but this is Ana keeping me hanging until the next time I get on the scales. I know I need to be less scared of this.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do RIGHT now, why don’t I just jump. What am I ACTUALLY scared of? Why am I falling for her tricks? Why do I feel the need to give her the satisfaction of the number she says she’ll be happy with on Friday *this number used to be 14lbs heavier than I am now remember Sarah* Why do I want to make her stronger?

Because to RECOVER and to get me BACK I need to JUMP, right now the JUMP is supper tonight. It’s a small jump because I can’t see it taking me to 1200. But a small jump is better than sitting here making ANA stronger isn’t it?

Positively Guilty

This is my newest idea to help the Catch-22 situation I am facing in recovery at the moment. Again, inspired from Jenni Scaefers 'Life without Ed' book! Basically, it's all about POSITIVE GUILT.

I, like many other anorexics, have massive issues with 'guilt' and battling the should of/could of type thoughts. So basically this is about rewarding guilt when I feel GUILTY about recovering. 

I am focusing on the guilt I feel for leaving Ana, the guilt I feel for eating. Because they are POSITIVE guilts. Those guilty feelings for eating what I want are only guilty to Ana.

So every time I start to feel guilty about having 'junk' or 'bad' food, every time I get the guilt-trip from Ana about my calorie total - and then STILL have supper and every time I have guilty feelings about having chosen higher calories foods, when I could have restricted,  I get a heart. 

Those heart represent me building my health, strength and beating Ana. In recovery I a GOING to feel guilty for 'beteraying' Ana but these are positive guilts. 

I need as many hearts as I can get - and I need to finish they day feeling guilty about betraying Ana, instead of feeling guilty for betraying my health and for betraying recovery. I am aiming for AT LEAST a heart a day...

I Miss......

I'm thinking a lot about London today and my old life and how I used to be. It’s not what I am meant to be doing, because yet again its dwelling on the past, but there is so much I miss right now.

I miss being able to pop to Oxford Street on wondering around, I miss random trips to the V&A museum and National Portrait Gallery, I miss being able to be happy about the most random things and ringing my mum about the funniest things I notice when I’m around London. In excitement about something happening on the South Bank. I miss earning money and spending it without feeling guilty. I miss going to Selfridges food hall to look for delicious treats and to spoil myself and friends and not counting the calories in jelly beans.

I miss wondering around Brent Cross and Westfield and dreaming about what I’d buy, but now I wonder round town wondering how many calories I burnt and what I am NOT going to eat. I miss the buzz of excitement I got when I realised I didn’t need to use a map to find my way around the underground. I miss how grown up I felt. I miss it being the norm to go to the pub on press night for a few Malibu’s and just order nuts and crisps with the boys, because I wanted them and it was a ritual! I miss how I was confident to walk to Kings Cross or hail a cab home at midnight. To my OWN home. I miss how I relied on NO ONE I could sort everything out myself, paid my rent, I brought my shopping, food I liked. I ruled my life.

I was INDEPENDENT. 

I had a career, I had my life and I had my friends. I didn’t mind going for days without speaking to my parents or months without coming home. I decided what I did and when I did it. I didn’t need to answer questions or feel guilty for not getting dressed on my days off and sitting around. I miss how exciting everything felt. I miss telling my parents things, rather than asking them. I miss having lots to talk about and to be proud of and even more I miss having things to look forward to. I miss randomly to gigs , finding new bands or wondering around Soho and China Town on a Saturday night.

Most of all I miss me. I miss my drive, my determination and my inability to accept second best. I miss my creativity, my excitement for art, architecture and design, for writing and for publishing. I miss my excitement for noticing little things around London, like finding Pudding Lane’ or buildings I had never noticed before and then my thirst to find out more about them.

During all these memories I know I enjoyed them, but I know I also felt I could be better, I could be skinnier, I could be more in control, I could be closer to perfect. I could have earned more, ate less, live in a nicer flat, have a better boyfriend. But I suppose I was so distracted by all these amazing things, and anorexia didn't have the upper hand that I could push these thoughts aside and get distracted by life and little amazing things. I distracted myself from myself to keep strong. 

“I might be fat, but I can go to Selfridges at Christmas and feel warm inside sipping a gingerbread latte (with cream) and being happy because I love shopping or I might not be perfect but I love to people watch and dream sitting in Starbucks with a good book” I was either busy enjoying or stressing about life and didn't give Ana chance to butt in too much, although she was there her thoughts did NOT CONSUME my life like now. I suppose the problem was always going to be when living like this caught up with me. This year it has. 

Ana has taken all this from me and given me noting in return, other than a stupid number on the scales and an unhealthy need for control. She hasn’t even given me the perfect body or the confidence she promised for all that time. She definitely hasn’t given me the ability to appreciate life or made me anymore likely to fall in love. She has managed to twist the once positive parts of my personality and made them in to her best weapons against me. I need to get these back. I need to use my determination, my control, my drive, in my favour not hers. I know I do.

If I am EVER going to have ANY independence ever again, if I am EVER going to live MY life again I need to. I want to feel excited again about stupid things, to relax, to be random and silly with friends without the inner monologue from Ana stopping me being me. I want to be independent again; I want to be able to ring my friends with good news, with exciting things to tell them and without having to feel like it’s an effort to concentrate on what they are saying. I don’t want to feel like I have to moan, but I do. I want to make plans to see friends without feeling like it’s an effort.

I think today I am starting to realise just how much of my life, my soul, my personality I have given to Ana in my quest to be perfect and fix everything with my weight and body, how much I have given to have this ‘control’ and how much I have sacrificed to be thin.

Truth is I have lost everything and that alone make me feel unarmed and weak and pathetic in this fight. How was I stupid enough to give all that up? For Ana? I need to find a way to get my weapons back to help fight Ana and get my life back. And to stop that bitch using my own strengths against me.

Why Don't You Just Eat?

I don’t know what I’ll do If I get asked again ‘Do you want to get better?’ ‘Do you want a new job?’ or the worst ‘Why can’t you just eat?’ These are the questions I keep getting asked by my family. They keep saying that EVERYONE is getting frustrated and annoyed with me because they say ‘You’re an intelligent girl; you know what you need to do.’ I know I have a degree, I know I haven’t always restricted my diet to the extent I did this year and I know I haven’t always been this underweight, but the sooner they realise I have felt like this for A LOT longer than they have known the better. The sooner they might be able to understand why I CANT JUST EAT.

The hardest thing at the moment is they can only understand the physical sides of anorexia, they keep going on and on about how ‘they don’t believe it’s this psychological.’ That my treatment is focusing too much on all that ‘psychological stuff’ and that I need to just eat. K asked if I ‘get told off’ for maintaining my weight and not gaining this week and she can’t understand why I don’t get ‘in trouble’ for not gaining a huge amount of weight.  

I keep getting asked if I want to get better. YES, of course I do, that’s why I am going to my appointments, it’s why I am going through this battle, it’s why I am sat at my parents, not in my own home. If I didn’t want to get better, I wouldn’t have said anything, I wouldn’t go to meetings and I wouldn’t be drinking Fortisip, eating food or listening to my apparently ‘intelligent self’. I don’t think they are trying to understand (and I don’t expect them to fully understand!) that recovery is an exhausting battle which is trying to restore my weight and health physically but trying to re-build my mental health by teaching me to accept my body, my weight and to build a better relationship with food. Basically, re-teaching the last 10 years of my life.

Dismissing and trivialising of the psychological aspects of anorexia hits me like a bullet, it completely makes me feel pathetic and it makes me feel like I am making it up, that it is trivial and easy to beat. It makes me feel thick and weak for not ‘just getting better’ and it makes me feel like I should know what I want from life. I don’t. I don’t know what I am fighting for, other than health right now. But in order to fight for my health I have to fight off Ana, I have to fight off anxiety, obsessions and fear – and trust that it will be worth it.  I have to leave a place where I feel safe and warm and in control and run and leap in to the freezing cold sea and swim for dear life.

They don’t seem to want to accept that I have presented them with a ‘happy’ me for so long, but I haven’t felt like that inside. I can see that is hard for them, I get that – it’s the way I felt when an old friend told me she had and ED a few years ago and even I hadn’t noticed. It made me feel horrific for not noticing her pain, 

But that’s the biggest danger of eating disorders, they makes you good at ‘sucking it up’ at hiding your feelings and amazing at pretending you’re fine. Because Ana always CONVINCES you and everyone around you, that you ARE fine. It’s just the way I am, I just like to be healthy and in control and I don’t like chocolate. 

I was obviously good at it, because everyone around me isn’t accepting just how long this has been going on. I just wish they'd believe me. 

Needs, Should and Don't

A few things I need to take from today's session and use to keep focused and why recovery is worth it.

I don't need to pretend I am okay
I don't need to pretend that it's easy.
I can't ignore that it's there
I can't ignore that it's not an issue
I shouldn't ignore these thoughts
I shouldn't forget about mistakes
I need ackknowledge my achievements
I need to live for now.

Be mindful and focused on RECOVERY.

A recovery that DOESN'T need to BE PERFECT
A recovery that IS NOT going to be LINEAR
A recovery that is UNIQUE to ME
A recovery that needs FOCUS and DRIVE
A recovery which needs PERSEVERANCE and PATIENCE

As long as I am still going in the right direction, it's okay
As long as I make little changes, it's okay
As long as I am becoming more aware, it's okay

Recovery is HARD, WORTH IT and POSSIBLE.

POEM: If I Were Thin

A poem written after a session at the EDU with Ms. F and after a day thinking about HOW I got here, what keeps me here and the thought processes that have been with me my whole life. Through my work at the EDU and with my psychotherapist I am becoming more aware of my attachment, addiction to and hate for Ana.

If I Were Thin

Unattainable goals
The desire for control
The spiralling jealousy
Which plagues my soul

The constant abuse
Delivered inside
That nobody else hears
And from which I can't hide

The mirror is shattered
From the hurtful song
I can't look and like
Everything is wrong

I'm not the prettiest or smartest
The richest or most thin
And all of the blame
Comes from within

Have I caused this harm?
And done too much wrong
By caring too much
And hearing your song

Have I slipped too far?
And played for too long
why can't I let go?
And silence your song

My desire to be best
For them to hear my pain
Confusion and exhaustion
It drives me insane

I craved perfection
To be better than you
To be the one they envied
To follow things through

By being the thinnest
I’d feel confident within
Id stop comparing,
If I were thin

Tennis with Ana...

Today has been epic in terms of emotions. I could not begin to count the number of different feelings/thoughts/emotions I have felt today. I have been in an all-day emotionally tiring tennis rally with my eating disorder...

It's Me vs Ana in this match...

...So, in relation to my earlier post, I am going to pick up where I left off, where I was about to serve for the day's match, by attempting to make a higher calorie dinner than I have been used to, face a 'fear' food - yes, baked beans - and see if I could take some points from under Ana's nose...and...

I had the jacket potato and baked beans (picture evidence!) which I TOTALLY needed to do. I need to now remember that was a point won against Ana which I need to keep doing BUT it is not the end of the world if every attempt at challenging Ana isn’t as successful. 

I need to remind myself that there is no need for perfectionism EVERYTIME when I am taking a shot at her. I did check online for the calories of a small potato, but I had already eaten it. It is recognising the thoughts but making positive and healthy choices even if they are harder than settling for the anorexic choices. 

Hello, Jacket and Beans!

I am not going to let myself feel guilty for making a ‘recovery’ choice right now or for taking a step AWAY from her. That'd be like feeling guilty for beating your biggest rival in a game of tennis wouldn't it? How stupid! 

I also feel like I convince myself that it was easy to do what I just did – as with everything in my life in the past I haven’t actually admitted to anyone that I find something’s hard and challenging – so now it feels that I have convinced myself that if it isn’t easy next time then I have failed. It’s like I try and forget how hard it was to do what I did tonight, and how long it’s taken me to eat that meal and how long the beans have been in the cupboard before I opened them tonight. I want it to be easy, so I am good at it. Though, I suppose every time I do it, it will be easier and I will get better at it? Like practising my serve, the more I practice the easier it'll be to serve an ace?

I also read something really helpful written by another recovered/ing anorexic tonight  A post by Kate Peoples on her blog 'Small Steps Upward'  -  that totally made sense and really helped me get some clarity and was like a well-needed cheerleader in today's match! 

This comes with its own problems though – I feel like I should have thought of this before, and I am rubbish for not realising that this is how I felt – and now I am copying her! Anyway, it was about TRUSTING your therapists/team and I came to the conclusion that at this crossroad I have the choice to trust everyone at the EDU that they are not lying to me, they know exactly what they are talking about and are experienced professionals that want to see me get better OR I can put my trust in Ana and carry on living a half hearted, restricted and disordered life? I just need to go for it, have faith that it is all going to be okay in the end. It’s terrifying but it will be worth it to be free and get on with my life. Like trusting world class coaches and ignoring the other players trying to trick me, right?

I also figured that I need to take recovery step by step – not panic about it all at once, which I keep doing. I first need to restore weight, just do it, be healthier and THEN Take time to deal with the emotions about my weight, body and anxieties AFTERWARDS. It's like worrying about the final at Wimbledon when I am only just getting though the second round isn't it? 

It’s REALLY not going to work that way – I need to remember that the sooner I restore my weight, the sooner I can work towards FEELING better about myself and work towards a healthier and happier me. The longer I stick where I am on the scales and with my intake, the longer I will feel like crap. Like, I'd feel crap if I got knocked out in this game because I listened to the other players telling me what to do, not my coach!

What a day! Emotional tennis in my head with Ana, but I think I won that game? New balls please! 

Thoughts are thoughts...

Thoughts are thoughts, but it is the way I act on them that’ll mean the difference between recovery and living with my eating disorder.

It can work both ways I suppose, I can THINK that I am doing enough and my true self is in control and NOT actually challenge myself enough to restore my weight and recover.

AND 

 I can have ANOREXIC thoughts, distinguish that it’s Ana and I can choose to challenge them and work towards recovery OR I can choose to act upon her rules and restrict or measure or weigh.

In both cases it’s acting on these thoughts that can make the difference in recovery or in continuing to live with my eating disorder holding the reigns.

Take today for example. I thought that I ‘Don’t need to eat an apple after my appointment because I am going for a coffee in an hour, and that could be my mid-morning snack.’ I distinguished that this was an anorexic thought, because a) I was hungry and b) I need to have BOTH at the moment to help increase my calories. So I ACTED on this by buying an apple and eating it. Then I went for my coffee, and thought ‘You only need a small coffee not a medium like usual, because there is SO much milk in that and it might make you feel heavy and sick’ at this moment in the queue in Costa, I could choose to act on this thought as Sarah or Ana. Unfortunately in this case I ordered a small coffee. I made a choice ANA wanted, which isn’t helping with my goal of restoring my weight.

This is a habit I have gotten into, challenging Ana with one thing, then restricting because I have already challenged her and I back off and keep her happy. I am becoming more and more aware of this each time I go through my food diaries with my dietitian. Meal by meal or day by day, it's the same habit. I think this is the first step – being AWARE of the thoughts and who is driving them, the step I need to take now is ACTING on them.

I have another challenge tonight too. One of my goals this week is to eat a jacket potato with beans. The anorexic thoughts I have already had about this since leaving the clinic today are;

1) There are SO many calories in that meal
2) You don’t NEED beans, just have the potato plain with salad
3) What could I have instead that ‘sort of challenges me’ but is safer in terms of cal content
4) Just have beans and no potato
5) If that takes me to XX calories, then don’t snack later, it’s ok.
6) Is it bad to eat potato at dinner because it’s late?
7) You don’t like baked beans
8) They’ll make you bloated and grosse
9) Beans are a waste of calories

And there are probably more that I haven’t noticed, which are all Ana trying to talk me out of eating the dinner I NEED to eat and decided earlier I would try tonight. Now, I have the choice to cook and eat this dinner and make it POSITIVE or to listen to ANA and not work towards recovery. These are just two examples of the clouds of thoughts I feel around EVERY drink, snack and meal.

No wonder my head is muddled and obsessed and preoccupied with thoughts about food and eating. If the theory is right, the more I challenge Ana and go against her, the quicker and less significant these thoughts will become….the more I think them, want to challenge them, go through the process and then let her win by acting in her favour, the harder and longer the fight will be. She ISN’T getting weaker if I don’t turn my back each time…

 I have also been told again and again, it is a trait of anorexia to see life as black and white, good and bad and success and failure and I for one am so guilty of doing this. I know I am. Or not feeling like I am doing well enough in recovery and beating myself up about it and then just 'not bothering' or convincing myself that this is all just fake and I could snap out of it. The proof is in the pudding (How ironic?) though, because when I do just try and ‘be normal’ or attempt to convince myself I can snap out of it. I freak out. I ‘run away’ from the challenge and back into Ana’s arms each time I freak out and DON’T try something. That’s my eating disorder RIGHT there. ...

I know it’s all about listening, reasoning and challenging Ana that will eventually mean 'recovery.’ And my gosh, it seems she needs a lot of challenging right now, I better start ACTING on it and showing her who’s in control.

POEM: I Wish...

I wish I knew a way out,
A way to gain and grow,
I didn't want this life,
The thoughts,
But how was I to know?
I didn't want to be this way,
To lose everything I had,
My house, my job,
My dreams my goals,
To feel so lost and sad.
I wanted to be perfect,
And happy in my skin.
The thing I wish
I knew before,
And believed today,
is that
Happy isn't thin.

Counting Calories...

...Like HoldingOn's video describes so well,  a big part of my anorexia and my recovery is consumed with counting calories.

Even now, when I am restoring weight, I am still counting. Every 1,3,5, or 10 calories makes a difference to my day, my anxiety levels, my life. I am FED UP with these numbers consuming me.

They stop me relaxing, they take over my thoughts as soon as I wake up, when I am in the supermarket. They are the reason I make some really bizarre meal choices and the reason I can't relax about some foods. Calorie counting DESTROYS social events, I withdraw from the table, eaten up by counting, adding and comparing calories. The anxiety levels caused by not knowing the calorie content of something drive me insane and the endless hours searching for the calorie content of food takes over my life. If I am not counting the calories consumed, I am counting the calories I've burnt. I needed total CONTROL over the calories that touch my lips, every single last one. Now that is easing, but I can't be carefree, and every 'nearly' carefree moment is followed by a manic look for the content.

The adding, the counting, the comparing from minute to minute, day to day. It is TOTALLY EXHAUSTING. 

I don't know why I bother, the totals NEVER make Ana happy any more either. So no one is happy when I am counting calories....I have already taken steps to STOP COUNTING:

1) Taken off all calorie counting apps from my phone.
2) Binned my personal food diary, and only use the clinic forms
3) Challenging myself to NOT count some foods
4) Relaxing about calorie content of fruit and veg
5) Not weighing all my foods

She and Her...

My therapist set me a self characterisation task. This was so hard to do this week. I panicked that I was doing it wrong, that I wasn't writing the right things and that sums it all up! I'm not sure what Ms. W will make of it, or what it says about me, but after the week I've had, I am pretty sure I have a long way to go in changing some on my destructive and dysfunctional beliefs....


"She is a complex character with a lot to say. She’s not afraid of speaking up about her opinion or voicing her complaints or comments when she wants to. Although, sometimes you have to sieve what she says for effect or to be contrary, from the bits she really feels or means honestly. Her likes and dislikes can change from day to day or hour to hour and it can sometimes be exhausting to keep up.

On the surface She seems driven and focused on achieving her ambitions and dreams but it is clear to those that know her that more often than not she is trying to convince herself that she knows which path she’d rather be on. This uncertainty in her own thoughts and ambitions can almost seems like she’s out to prove something to everyone around her and to herself.

One of her major struggles is her inability to live in the here and now and accept things for the way they are. She almost seems to live in the past, always dragging up old emotions, blaming herself for things that were sometimes not even her own wrong doing, without even realising she’s doing it. She blames herself for things that sometimes weren’t even her fault and convinces herself they were. If she isn’t playing old events and situations around in her head, she’s planning and worrying about the future. Worried about whether she is ever going to be able to reach her high goals of getting what she wants or whether she is going to mess it all up.

Her need for control is clear for us all to see and she even knows the extent of her desire herself. Al is fine and well until the control is taken away from her and then if that dreaded situation ever occurs, her mood can switch quickly. Her defences go up and her tone becomes less open and chatty and becomes more argumentative and defensive. It almost seems that the loss of control over a situation is too much for her to handle and the barriers go up to protect her weakness.

This can also be seen when she doubts the value of her opinions or if she or her work are criticised. It doesn’t stop there though, she joins in and her habit of being her worst critic comes into action. To those who don’t know her, this is more than likely to be perceived as an inability to take criticism on board, even if it is constructive. But it’s quite the opposite. If you get to really know her you’ll understand that it is because she is her biggest critic and tortures herself for not having done something perfectly in the first place.

Her chatty personality comes across as confident and bubbly on the surface when faced with social events but the internal monologue she is used to hearing paints a very different picture of her. She seems unable to stop comparing herself, physically and socially to anyone who comes into contact with, even her best friends and family. She can almost seem envious or jealous of those around her and her competitiveness ensures she can’t accept being the one no one else envies.

She might not be the prettiest the richest or the most ‘career’ successful of her friends, but she is also not the one with a husband, house or child. Most of the people around her can accept their ‘place’ in society and accept themselves, but not Sarah. She can’t accept any of it. It is almost as though she doesn’t feel good enough in any of these areas, never mind achieving her goals of being the one they envy.

At 26 years old, she has only recently realised the extent to which she has managed to keep up her internal conflict of control and self-doubt whilst portraying a driven, independent and confident women on the surface. It is only after unpeeling some of her layers that you realise that those moments of defensive comments or the times her mood switches or that day she snapped, were pockets of herself hate seeping to the surface in moments of weakness. They are the moments when you realise that she is not she strong as she seems"

Guilt vs Guilt

Ana’s guilt for choosing to recover or the guilt I feel for not ‘wanting to recover’ enough when I don’t meet my calories. I am not sure which is worse sometimes. 

The guilt of not gaining and having to tell people I've not done well. The guilty little kicks Ana gets from maintaining or losing. 

I feel both, it depends what time it is, or what I have eaten or what I am a going to eat. 

My Recovery Commandments

Just because it's Sunday and there are certain things that I really need to pledge to myself if I am going to beat Ana. These are the things that I promise myself, they are the things I am so positive about when I am sat in the chair at clinic, and then fail to achieve on a daily basis.  These are my Recovery Commandments which I'm going to attempt to pledge and keep this week. I'm sure a lot of you feel this too.

1) I shall meet my daily calorie targets, not get 'close' and be content
2) I shall remember that 'restoring' weight is restoring health
3) 'Normal Eaters' eat when they're hungry. I need to as well
4) I shall make sure food choice are mine not 'Ana's'
5) I shall be honest about my intake, for better or worse.
6) I shall try and release some control every day
7) I shall not snap at people who are trying to help me recover
8) I shall remind myself what I am living and eating for. Life
9) I shall not time my meals, obsess about other choices or count when eating
10) I shall silence Ana when she speaks

If I can do ANY of these on a daily basis and maybe even ALL of them one day - I know I'll be a step closer to recovery and being free of my phobias, anxieties, OCDS & most of all free from Ana.

Defining Recovery: The 'Official' Bit...

So, after writing down how I would define recovery, what I will feel when I am recovered and all of the things that will be different when 'Ana' has vanished, I wondered  how recovery is defined clincally. What will 'Team Recovery' want to see before they agree I am recovered?

Then I came across this on FEAST website...and I realised how far I have to go to tick all these little boxes - They are 25 keys to kicking Ana aren't they really?

SIGNS OF RECOVERY

Published by Cris Haltom in the EATING DISORDER SURVIVAL GUIDE, May 25, 2006

1. Eating occurs at regular intervals and is guided primarily by physical rather than emotional hunger.
2. Metabolic rate, if measured, is restored and maintained at a healthful level.
3. The ability to recognize and respond to hunger as a guide for eating appropriately has returned.
4. Weight for height based on age and gender is restored to a healthful range.
5. For females, menstruation is achieved or restored and maintained without oral contraceptives.
6. Skin health, dental health,thermoregulation, hair growth, and digestion/ absorption functions are restored to normal. - I can't wait! 
7. Healthy body composition (lean body mass and body fat) is restored and maintained.
8. Caloric and nutrient intake is appropriate for maintaining a healthy weight and body composition. - 2000? Maybe one day.....
9. Purging behavior, e.g., self-induced vomiting and laxative or enema use, is absent.
10. Use of diet pills or appetite suppressants is absent.
11. Excessive exercise is absent.
12. Binge eating behavior is absent or rare.
13. The ability to tolerate a wide variety of foods so that a good balance of high- quality protein, carbohydrates, fatty acids, minerals, and vitamins is maintained.
14. The ability to tolerate natural shifts in weight (one to several pounds) related to such factors such as hydration changes, illness, and season of the year.
15. The ability to tolerate 'spontaneous' natural eating - especially out in public. - This is going to be my stumbling block - I can feel that No15 will be the last ticked off.
16. Weight gain does not deter from eating well.
17. Acceptance of genetically-determined body type, size and shape.
18. The percentage of waking hours spent obsessing about weight, food, and/or body image is reduced to 15% or less. - Only 85% to go ehy?
19. The ability to effectively cope with problems in ways other than through disordered eating behaviors.
20. After physical health is restored, the ability to understand and resolve, other than through disordered eating, the issues underlying and driving disordered eating.
21. The ability to recognize signs of relapse and to seek appropriate help if relapse occurs.
22. Triggers for relapse thinking or behaviors can be identified.
23. The family as a whole has moved beyond food and weight preoccupation.
24. The family as a whole is able to identify, explore, and cope with normal adolescent issues.
25. The family as a whole has created a healthy culture around food and regular meals.