“You can’t move on to the next chapter until
you stop re-reading the last one over and over” ..."Yeah, but..."
It’s something I do and say a lot.
Okay so looking back for a moment, I lost weight last week, which Ana loved but
this week I gained and it’s fairly obvious that Ana really doesn’t like
this little stat! I am not excited by it to be honest although I probably
should be? I can just about accept it (if I don’t think too much about it) I can
accept that it NEEDS to happen. But it is another one of those ‘grey areas’
that I need to embrace.
It’s NOT going to feel amazing to get better, to gain
weight nor will I always feel horrified by it now I am in recovery. It’s not
going to be perfect either, but it DOESN’T need to be. It won’t ever be.
I wish
I knew how to describe how it feels when I ‘do well’ in recovery. I don’t know
how it feels and I can’t define it as good or bad, it’s so strange and I hate
that I can’t put my finger on the feeling, its one those ‘grey’ moments I despise.
I get this indescribable reaction in my head when someone says: “Sarah your diet is nearly back to normal
isn’t that great” I can feel myself thinking, NO, please NO, and the ‘Yeah, but..’ comes in to play.
I guess it is Ana trying to tell me she’d spend so much time and
effort making me ‘different’ and ‘better’ than them and now I am going to be
the same, eat the same, look the same? She wants me to believe that I need to
be more ‘in control’ of my diet than everyone else. I also get the same feeling
when people tell me that my ‘face looks so much better now’ and that my hair
looks healthier and my eyes more sparkly again. I should LOVE comments like
this right? They mean my body is awakening again, I am getting healthier. But no,
Ana is constantly trying to creep in to my thoughts, she wants me to hate
myself, hate being healthy, the same as ‘them’, worse than others, fat and she
hates that I am taking steps away from her and shutting her up. She makes me
look for the “YEAH, BUT…” in every
compliment, accomplishment or recovery challenge I complete. I need to remain
aware that the “Yeah, but..” I think is my eating disorder’s way of getting in
to my thoughts and her way to control my mind-set. It is a new technique Ana
has developed now she doesn’t always have a say over my food.
I think I also use the “Yeah,
but” comments I make on a daily basis also act as a CRY or plea to the people
around me to remember that I am eating now, but for them to not expect too much from
me, to remember that I am still struggling on the inside. That I am still
suffering, even though I am eating. I still have to fight the urge to remind people
I am quite literally eating ten times more that I was three months ago. I need
to stop this negative ‘backwards’ thinking and comparing. Ms F. suggested, try
saying “Yes, I am eating my meal plan food, it’s hard but I am trying hard to
recover too, thank you” every time I feel a YEAH BUT popping up when talking about
food, hunger or portion size.
I need to remember that I don’t need to justify or ‘Yeah, but..”
anything or feel guilty for doing well or for fighting this eating disorder,
because it’s all I can do right now. The one thing is really can’t fall for is
feeling Ana’s guilt, when it is listening to her that has caused this in the
first place. I should NOT have to look for the negatives in my recovery to
soothe her. Every time I look for them and refuse to accept people’s help or complement
it is me soothing my eating disorder. Every time I SOOTHE I am not SOLVING it.
Time to be a little more forward thinking I think...no 'Yeah. buts...' allowed
