Let’s just look at where we are!

As much as I try not to look back, reflect and look forward and set myself so many resolutions at this time of year,  truth is I like doing it and I actually find it quite helpful (as long as I don’t beat myself up about not sticking to it midyear and at this time next year!)

In terms of 2017 I guess I achieved quite a lot. I really got into my allotment and feel like I made a success of it, which I am really proud of, and miss it now it’s winter! I finally got my staff contract at the BBC which I’ve been aiming for since I got back to work, I took on more responsibility at work and challenge myself things I couldn’t do which includes taking a radio show to Belgium and going on tour for a week, which challenged me professionally and personally. It’s hard not to see the win in that isn’t it? I challenged myself to make plans and keep the more in 2017 and to not get freaked out about being out of routine. I’m not gonna lie this is not come easy at all and it’s caused me internal anxiety but I feel that this can only get better? I know I have a long way to go and half the stuff that goes on in my head especially last year isn’t healthy and it’s holding me back but it’s all about progress not perfection right?

At the very end of 2017 I went on an unplanned date and it seems to have been the right choice!? It was totally unplanned as I’ve maintained for a long time that I was happy single. But in the last six weeks I have eaten out, I have seen him unexpectedly, I have cooked for him and eating at a restaurant that he chose and I had no idea where I was going all the food I was eating. For those who know what I was like with my ex, after even a year I haven’t cooked for him or let him choose a restaurant. Let’s see how this goes in 2018!

Honestly, I’m not sure how much progress I have made in recovery in 2017, because it all seems very different to how I did in previous years. I know I struggled a lot With the guilt of not running and pulling out of races and doing less exercise. This has meant that I have gained weight and I can see it in my body shape and I’m not gonna lie the end of 2017 has been hard to except my changing body. The beginning of 2018 has not made this any easier. I still feel better when I am exercising and running but I’m not sure why I feel better? So I need to sit with this thought and work out what is going on. I feel like I should be running but I also like running will leave that there for now! I have gone back to yoga and about with is expensive and I feel guilty about spending money on it it’s really bloody good for me.

I am not going to sit here and make recovery resolutions about gaining weight, making progress in mental recovery, or pledge to let anorexia have less control over me, and so on. Because I don’t know where to start!

Mainly because recovery is not that structured any more. I don’t actually think I can plan that any more. I know what I need to work on and I’m very aware of how I still let my eating disorder control me and the bits I think I like. It’s probably going to be a case of riding the waves of 2018 and seeing which ones wash up those habits on different shores. A long time ago I wrote a blog on just keeping swimming and I guess as 2018 starts that’s all I can do.

Postcards from Suffering and Recovery

Wish you {weren't} here...

I usually post when I am feeling 'on top' of my thoughts, drawing upon themes, analogies and issues that therapy's thrown up or that I have happened to 'figure out' in recovery. But I wanted to share something different, in the hope that it helps map the progress that can be made and the difference a year (or two!) can make. 

This first part is from a journal I kept BEFORE recovery, I was was very ill and 'anorexic' but it happened to be a significant day {Choosing to do this today was unplanned, I wasn't sure what looking back would bring} The second part is last year, 10 months into recovery. 

...as for today 28th May 2013 is still happening, I am living it. Recovery is still happening. 

28th May 2011

I don't even know where to start today - I really don't.

I am off work today - I got sent home yesterday afternoon after collapsing and told to have the day off today - everyone thinks its stress - I know I can't make it in to work because I am not able to function properly at the moment - probably because I have eaten XXX or below cals a day for 50 days now. That sounds weird to say/admit to myself. I know this is affecting my life. I know it is.

I had the most honest, open and frank conversation with my housemate/BFF last night - we were up til gone midnight talking about her, her depression, me, my problems with her boyfriend, my problems with work and life and in the middle of it all. I just told her how much weight I'd lost. That was MASSIVE for me. Bigger than anything I thought I was capable of.

I told her about Ana. About how I hadn't pushed her away but that Ana was pushing her away. I hated lying to her - but Ana was making me. Convincing me that if I told my housemate that I'd be a fat bitch again - that I'd gain. That I would have failed at my goals. It was so weird to say it all out loud - and I can't explain how that feels this morning other than I feel SO different.

I have told her that I am not ready to maintain or gain or change the way I am eating - nor have I told her my UGW - or how much more I want to loose - or how close I am. But I will not keep it secret - I will at home be able to relax and measure and count and let Ana carry on making me restrict - but I am not going to let Ana push away her . Does that make sense?

I also admitted that one of my big things is a fear of gluttony and over-eating - which is where my standards of what this is and how it is defined have got more and more restrictive. I hate to think of myself of gluttonous - it makes me feel sick. With my OCD and anxiety issues I am scared of sick - I am scared of people over-eating- I hate it - I hate to think I am going to over-eat or look gluttonous. 

Now I think eating more than XXX kcals is overeating and this is where I am at. I see eating crackers - garlic bread - chips - etc, as gluttony and I believe I am better than this - and eating them is gluttony - does that make sense? I am only JUST today for the first time in 20 years of having ED thoughts realising this, that it's been Ana all along,  it's early days. VERY early days.

I slept the best I have done in a LONG time last night. 

So anyway, today -  Weigh-In  XX  with a VERY slight loss of 0.2lbs. 

{I went on to list the calories I had eaten, the calories I had planned, how many I'd undershot it by and what I had burned off. I have taken this out so not to trigger}

NOTE TO ANA - See, I have told someone I feel happier and I can still restrict the way I want to. You don't own me. We are going to be walking around shops and I have gymnastics coaching later - so est. steps burn is about XX cals.  I feel in control today. 

{Later} I'm so scared of being XXlbs again, I really am.  I won't gain that much will I? How will I make sure I don't gain it all back. What if I freak out and pig. What if I go back where I came from? I feel sick. Again - eaten too much. I might as well give up.... Frankie and Bennys - soup and salad I feel so fat. I want to die . I don't think I can do this any more...

28^th May 2012

I just keep thinking I need to send a disclaimer to everyone one of my friends, everyone I meet or will be seeing soon to not to expect me to be thin or thinner that I was the last time they saw me, or to expect me to look like I have anorexia. I just feel like I need to stop them being shocked about the weight gain and stop them being disgusted about how I don’t look thin any more. That way they won’t feel awkward or wonder why I am fat again when they see me. Maybe that way I will be less defensive or negative about looking the way I do and they’ll know why I am fatter again but I can tell them my head is still a mess. Maybe I won’t be as embarrassed about being so chubby now.

Like another thing, I am really starting to HATE that I can feel my bra digging in to my back. I would just like to feel okay in my clothes. Why do I have to be so broad and wide and have such a FAT back. I would just like to be 32 D or something with NO extra fat bulging. Not chubby with back fat.

I know I am playing scenarios out in my head, like being on the beach or at the spa next weekend and I expect or want people to see perfection but if I think about it logically that is ANA trying to tell me that I am letting myself and others down with this body. It is Ana trying to convince me that I was closer to perfection at my lowest weight, that would make people admire my body, be jealous of me for once. That I would have felt the BEST with the BEST body. But I am AWARE that it’s BULLSHIT, because like W said to me, other people don’t see anorexic bodies as perfect, just other anorexics and Ana herself. AGH. 

I don’t know what’s worse; having these sub-conscious thoughts that I want to be thin or my lowest weight being better or the fact that I am aware that they are my ED thoughts trying to convince me that Ana can make me more desirable. I know it’s hard, I know it seems so real and unreal, aware and analysed and unaware all at the same time, but I guess that is recovery, and it is HARD. Right?

But right now I am resenting all those people with eating disorders that are in recovery that stay skinny that they are just lucky, like people without eating disorders that are just skinny that don’t have to deal with looking like I do and what is worse is I know it is going to get worse too.

It is so hard because I DO trust W and F literally, with my life, but I am terrified that they have worried about my quick gain in weight but just aren’t telling me and when people tell me I am doing ‘so well’ with WR I just want to SCREAM and my head SCREAMS so much. It really just feels like the most I have ever messed up, ever.

“Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Never overestimate your power to change others.” Wayne Dyer

“Hope is the surfboard of life: It never sinks, and if you balance well, it gives you a beautiful ride.” Patti Gaulrin

And with that last quote, I know I need to find some sort of balance to enjoy life and balance won’t be at either end of the scales – it is NOT black and white, good or bad, fat or thin. I KNOW this, I KNOW I do. But I don’t believe it. Most of the time, I’d like to think balance is good, healthy is good but I just have hope, not complete sight of it. 

Maybe I will just KNOW when it feels more balanced – rather than being able to pre-empt it? But that doesn’t help me know anything NOW does it? When all I feel is FAT and don’t have much balance in my life at all. I just have a crappy life, no job, no home, I feel lonely, have no money and then I have this weight gain. It all feels VERY negative and not very fairly balanced. It is. 

My recovery is to be continued.....I am a work in progress and the next postcard from recovery will show MORE progress. This much I know. 

"Yeah, But...."

“You can’t move on to the next chapter until you stop re-reading the last one over and over” ..."Yeah, but..."

It’s something I do and say a lot.

Okay so looking back for a moment,  I lost weight last week, which Ana loved but this week I gained and it’s fairly obvious that Ana really doesn’t like this little stat! I am not excited by it to be honest although I probably should be? I can just about accept it (if I don’t think too much about it) I can accept that it NEEDS to happen. But it is another one of those ‘grey areas’ that I need to embrace. 

It’s NOT going to feel amazing to get better, to gain weight nor will I always feel horrified by it now I am in recovery. It’s not going to be perfect either, but it DOESN’T need to be. It won’t ever be.

I wish I knew how to describe how it feels when I ‘do well’ in recovery. I don’t know how it feels and I can’t define it as good or bad, it’s so strange and I hate that I can’t put my finger on the feeling, its one those ‘grey’ moments I despise. I get this indescribable reaction in my head when someone says: “Sarah your diet is nearly back to normal isn’t that great” I can feel myself thinking, NO, please NO, and the ‘Yeah, but..’ comes in to play.

I guess it is Ana trying to tell me she’d spend so much time and effort making me ‘different’ and ‘better’ than them and now I am going to be the same, eat the same, look the same? She wants me to believe that I need to be more ‘in control’ of my diet than everyone else. I also get the same feeling when people tell me that my ‘face looks so much better now’ and that my hair looks healthier and my eyes more sparkly again. I should LOVE comments like this right? They mean my body is awakening again, I am getting healthier. But no, Ana is constantly trying to creep in to my thoughts, she wants me to hate myself, hate being healthy, the same as ‘them’, worse than others, fat and she hates that I am taking steps away from her and shutting her up. She makes me look for the “YEAH, BUT…” in every compliment, accomplishment or recovery challenge I complete. I need to remain aware that the “Yeah, but..” I think is my eating disorder’s way of getting in to my thoughts and her way to control my mind-set. It is a new technique Ana has developed now she doesn’t always have a say over my food.

I think I also use the “Yeah, but” comments I make on a daily basis also act as a CRY or plea to the people around me  to remember that I am eating  now, but for them to not expect too much from me, to remember that I am still struggling on the inside. That I am still suffering, even though I am eating. I still have to fight the urge to remind people I am quite literally eating ten times more that I was three months ago. I need to stop this negative ‘backwards’ thinking and comparing. Ms F. suggested, try saying “Yes, I am eating my meal plan food, it’s hard but I am trying hard to recover too, thank you” every time I feel a YEAH BUT popping up when talking about food, hunger or portion size.

I need to remember that I don’t need to justify or ‘Yeah, but..” anything or feel guilty for doing well or for fighting this eating disorder, because it’s all I can do right now. The one thing is really can’t fall for is feeling Ana’s guilt, when it is listening to her that has caused this in the first place. I should NOT have to look for the negatives in my recovery to soothe her. Every time I look for them and refuse to accept people’s help or complement it is me soothing my eating disorder. Every time I SOOTHE I am not SOLVING it. 

Time to be a little more forward thinking I think...no 'Yeah. buts...' allowed

The Pro Ana Hangover

There are some things that go round and round my head and the only way I can stop them circling is finding a reason and root of those thoughts.

I was doing some of this tornado-style (over) thinking over my lunch this afternoon - a delicious toms on toast with baby leaf salad...

The lunch that caused a whirlwind!

...and it occurred to me that some of the things I was stressing about were not necessarily what I thought about my meal, but more like sort of a 'hangover' from the way I functioned when I was active on a pro-ana site.

I don't talk about this time much and I don't want to dwell on it. It shrunk my world even more than the illness already had, it consumed my thoughts, my time and my internet browsing history. It is something I know I fell into when I was at my weakest, confusing how weak it was making me, with a sense of strength 'Ana' was getting from being on there. It was a time when I didn't want to get better, I didn't want help, I wanted to find happiness in my hunger and destructive willpower and I wanted to be the strongest, most dedicated and successful of Ana's 'friends'. (By the way, I never found it and Ana doesn't like you, she's trying to kill you...)

Now, this hangover is a bitch...

The worst hangover ever!

I used to post my 'meal plans', my plans for the day, how I was going to restrict, cut down from the day before, how I was going to look less greedy, how many 'binge free days' I could tally up. I ACTUALLY cared what these other people thought of my self-destruction. I looked to them to agree with Ana. I wanted to hear that I was fat, that I was greedy and that I needed to do more. You know what, they did do that.

Each time I posted what I had eaten I wanted it to be a little less. I knew those other girls were judging me, thinking I looked greedy and I believed they were glad they weren't as gluttonous as me. It pushed me to eat even less than I was already doing.

So, I'll get to the point.

I am now paranoid that when I say what I have eaten, when I take snapshots of the food I have cooked, when I try new and exciting foods, when I fill out my food diaries for the clinic, that people are judging me, they thing I am greedy. I have a hangover conflict that goes a bit like this…

I am proud of the food I have prepared. Excited about my meals but..

* Terrified of people sniggering at me, thinking I am too greedy and that one day some one is going to make a comment about the sheer amount (in my opinion) of food I eat.

* I am worried I could trigger others with my food ramblings or excitement or portion size. I really don't want to and I would never forgive myself if I did.

* Worried that people will ask me for tips or advice on weight loss - I won't EVER forgive myself for telling people what I did (or didn't do) to lose weight.

* I am worried that I will talk to the wrong people or that people will trick me into listening to Ana again - get in with the 'wrong' crowd. (I am lucky here to have found some amazing #recoverywarriors instead and that I am strong enough to 'block' triggers)

I hope this is NEVER the case. And I hope I continue to expand my diet, my adventures in the kitchen, my love of baking and become more free with my food.I also hope I can inspire others to see they can rediscover food and expand their diets (and lives) instead.

It proves how much of a detrimental effect these sites can have on people suffering with EDs. Others prey on their (our) weaknesses and watch us unravel. But I want to learn from my mistakes, learn from what I have been through and use it to get stronger.

I just wish I could shake this god damn awful hangover! 

Counting Calories...

A journal entry I wanted to share highlighting that even with my new food plans I am STILL trying to battle the urges and compulsions to add everything up..all the time.

"I need to remember I need to STOP COUNTING THE CALORIES. Although, if I am honest with myself, I am still having a lot of trouble remembering that.

I am also struggling to not worry that by not counting the calories in everything that It will mean that I will completely OVER eat and get huge. I feel like I SHOULD BE counting calories and totting them up and knowing how many I have eaten at any given moment. To me this feels normal, it feels like it should happen and is just the way eating goes. You know what you've had and how much it is. 

The problem is that NOT knowing feels so weird and alien to me and I really can’t get my head round that. I feel sort of irresponsible and out of control not knowing. I need to rewire my brain thought because I need to not care, because for as long as I care this much about the exact calories Ana is going to be listening and watching and waiting just around the corner to trip me up when I have ‘eaten too much’ and praise me for ‘eating too little’

I know I need to trust that Ms. F hasn’t given me a zillion calories to consume per day, although it feels like it. I need to trust that she is in fact giving me enough to restore my health, my liver function and yes, my weight. Her and Mrs W. just want me to get BETTER and RECOVER. 

I just can’t help stressing though because I am, in black and white, eating A LOT more than before, even a lot more than two weeks ago. BUT I NEED TO. I am not on a bloody diet any more, I am not meant to have the purpose of maintaining or losing weight, I am not restricting for Ana anymore. I need to not ‘watch’ what I eat to lose a few pounds; I don’t need to eat to look healthy. I need to embrace recovery and get a grip. 

Life is not a diet any more."

POEM: It's Always Been You

A poem I have written recently about accepting how long I've heard Ana, how long I have be a slave to our 'friendship' and about being AWARE of her voice, as a way of separating myself from her. 

It’s you, it’s always been you

Inside my brain

Making me compare

Causing my pain

The frustration inside

The signs

The symptoms

The thoughts

It's you isn't it?

That makes me compare

That tells me I'm know good

That knife in the back

I thought you understood

The guilt

The shame

The food

The blame

It's always been you

Hearing your voice

Listening

That's not new.

The way you attack

Your plan for me

You waited so long

For them to see.

My need for perfection

My desire for control

Your need for power

My weakened soul

My dreams and life

You rip in two

And to Think I believed

And put my trust in you

New Month, New Approach

WOW. Honesty has been OOZING out of me today. It's tough, I get these pangs of guilt to Ana, but that's what I NEED to do. I have 'snitched' on her a lot today and that's what I am going to keep doing, until she no longer TRUSTS me!

I have also taken a MASSIVE leap, jump, skip, run today and put ALL my trust in my recovery team. I SUGGESTED, yes I SUGGESTED that I now need the meal plans they've been hinted at.

I decided that Ana was all too often creeping in on my meal choices, my choice to miss snacks and cut corners with calories and generally making meal time choices a nightmare. Not anymore.

Ms F. and I have worked out all my meals, snacks and suppers until next week and I HAVE to complete the whole lot. There are days I am already terrified about, I know there will be times when Ana gives me massive conflicts and REALLY has a go, but there is NOTHING she can do to alter the food I eat.

I'll now be able to 'agree and disobey' and hopefully 'disagree and disobey' her and I will be able to breakdown the conversations I have with Ana over food, without it affecting my calories/choices and meals.

One of my major problems is seeing food as 'good and bad' and 'healthy and unhealthy' and life in general as 'black and white'. Something I need to change during recovery to enable me to embrace the grey areas, but for now, this meal plan is black and white. That is good.

If I DON'T eat the meals or snacks Ana is winning
If I DO stick to the plan. I win.

It's going to be easy to discuss during sessions. Easy to see where I succeed and to see IF Ana succeeds and it stops Ana being able to blur my thoughts of whether I've had and good or bad week regarding food when I am asked.

Yes, It means I lose control over my meals on a day to day basis. Something I thought I'd never be able to accept, but I need to so I can beat this, so I can recover and so that control doesn't get handed over to my worst enemy, I might have mentioned her....Ana?

P.S. Day 1 of meal plans - SUCCESS! (Just need supper with my Fortisip and it'll be a full house!)

Something Feels Different..

I am not sure WHAT or WHY and finally after 3 weeks of really, really struggling I am starting to FEEL more positive about this recovery thing.

I am getting little flecks of positivity, little moments of hope and more 'lightbulb' moments than I have had since I  recognised my struggles with anorexia and finally asked for help back in May.

I am scared to be happy about this. But I need to go with it, I need to know that this is me awakening and finally getting my head round what it is I need to do to get better. It's like I am getting less scared of jumping, less scared of what will happen on the fall and becoming more able to TRUST that Mrs W, Ms F and my friends and family will be there to catch me.

One statement that came up in my session on Friday with Mrs. W. really helped, more than I can imagine.

"Think of it like this, what have you got to lose? If you restore your weight and REALLY hate it THAT much, you know you are going to be able to lose it again. You know you know how." 

Mrs. W said I should take this thought and use it as a safety net, a comfort blanket keeping me warm as I venture into the unknown.

I KNOW she's saying this, however crazy it sounds, because she is confident that I won't feel worse once I am in 'positive energy' I need to trust her confidence in me, because she must have it, she wouldn't use being 'friends' with Ana if I get scared as motivation if she didn't would she?

What I added myself was that if I DON'T try, if I don't restore weight, I will never know. But if this journey takes me to a place I really hate, and I do fall back to Ana, least I will have tried. What have I got to lose by giving it a go?


You never know, Mrs. W might just be on to something here.....

JUMP

This is where I am at, this is exactly where I am at. I am avoiding the HARDEST bit. The food. Slightly restricting still. The 'bad list' food.

I keep reading things this week that confirm this and I need to believe it. I need to believe the advice and TRUST everyone around me and trust that my parachute will open...

This video confirms it too. Let's count down to that jump... 3,2,1...and...

Positively Guilty

This is my newest idea to help the Catch-22 situation I am facing in recovery at the moment. Again, inspired from Jenni Scaefers 'Life without Ed' book! Basically, it's all about POSITIVE GUILT.

I, like many other anorexics, have massive issues with 'guilt' and battling the should of/could of type thoughts. So basically this is about rewarding guilt when I feel GUILTY about recovering. 

I am focusing on the guilt I feel for leaving Ana, the guilt I feel for eating. Because they are POSITIVE guilts. Those guilty feelings for eating what I want are only guilty to Ana.

So every time I start to feel guilty about having 'junk' or 'bad' food, every time I get the guilt-trip from Ana about my calorie total - and then STILL have supper and every time I have guilty feelings about having chosen higher calories foods, when I could have restricted,  I get a heart. 

Those heart represent me building my health, strength and beating Ana. In recovery I a GOING to feel guilty for 'beteraying' Ana but these are positive guilts. 

I need as many hearts as I can get - and I need to finish they day feeling guilty about betraying Ana, instead of feeling guilty for betraying my health and for betraying recovery. I am aiming for AT LEAST a heart a day...

I Miss......

I'm thinking a lot about London today and my old life and how I used to be. It’s not what I am meant to be doing, because yet again its dwelling on the past, but there is so much I miss right now.

I miss being able to pop to Oxford Street on wondering around, I miss random trips to the V&A museum and National Portrait Gallery, I miss being able to be happy about the most random things and ringing my mum about the funniest things I notice when I’m around London. In excitement about something happening on the South Bank. I miss earning money and spending it without feeling guilty. I miss going to Selfridges food hall to look for delicious treats and to spoil myself and friends and not counting the calories in jelly beans.

I miss wondering around Brent Cross and Westfield and dreaming about what I’d buy, but now I wonder round town wondering how many calories I burnt and what I am NOT going to eat. I miss the buzz of excitement I got when I realised I didn’t need to use a map to find my way around the underground. I miss how grown up I felt. I miss it being the norm to go to the pub on press night for a few Malibu’s and just order nuts and crisps with the boys, because I wanted them and it was a ritual! I miss how I was confident to walk to Kings Cross or hail a cab home at midnight. To my OWN home. I miss how I relied on NO ONE I could sort everything out myself, paid my rent, I brought my shopping, food I liked. I ruled my life.

I was INDEPENDENT. 

I had a career, I had my life and I had my friends. I didn’t mind going for days without speaking to my parents or months without coming home. I decided what I did and when I did it. I didn’t need to answer questions or feel guilty for not getting dressed on my days off and sitting around. I miss how exciting everything felt. I miss telling my parents things, rather than asking them. I miss having lots to talk about and to be proud of and even more I miss having things to look forward to. I miss randomly to gigs , finding new bands or wondering around Soho and China Town on a Saturday night.

Most of all I miss me. I miss my drive, my determination and my inability to accept second best. I miss my creativity, my excitement for art, architecture and design, for writing and for publishing. I miss my excitement for noticing little things around London, like finding Pudding Lane’ or buildings I had never noticed before and then my thirst to find out more about them.

During all these memories I know I enjoyed them, but I know I also felt I could be better, I could be skinnier, I could be more in control, I could be closer to perfect. I could have earned more, ate less, live in a nicer flat, have a better boyfriend. But I suppose I was so distracted by all these amazing things, and anorexia didn't have the upper hand that I could push these thoughts aside and get distracted by life and little amazing things. I distracted myself from myself to keep strong. 

“I might be fat, but I can go to Selfridges at Christmas and feel warm inside sipping a gingerbread latte (with cream) and being happy because I love shopping or I might not be perfect but I love to people watch and dream sitting in Starbucks with a good book” I was either busy enjoying or stressing about life and didn't give Ana chance to butt in too much, although she was there her thoughts did NOT CONSUME my life like now. I suppose the problem was always going to be when living like this caught up with me. This year it has. 

Ana has taken all this from me and given me noting in return, other than a stupid number on the scales and an unhealthy need for control. She hasn’t even given me the perfect body or the confidence she promised for all that time. She definitely hasn’t given me the ability to appreciate life or made me anymore likely to fall in love. She has managed to twist the once positive parts of my personality and made them in to her best weapons against me. I need to get these back. I need to use my determination, my control, my drive, in my favour not hers. I know I do.

If I am EVER going to have ANY independence ever again, if I am EVER going to live MY life again I need to. I want to feel excited again about stupid things, to relax, to be random and silly with friends without the inner monologue from Ana stopping me being me. I want to be independent again; I want to be able to ring my friends with good news, with exciting things to tell them and without having to feel like it’s an effort to concentrate on what they are saying. I don’t want to feel like I have to moan, but I do. I want to make plans to see friends without feeling like it’s an effort.

I think today I am starting to realise just how much of my life, my soul, my personality I have given to Ana in my quest to be perfect and fix everything with my weight and body, how much I have given to have this ‘control’ and how much I have sacrificed to be thin.

Truth is I have lost everything and that alone make me feel unarmed and weak and pathetic in this fight. How was I stupid enough to give all that up? For Ana? I need to find a way to get my weapons back to help fight Ana and get my life back. And to stop that bitch using my own strengths against me.

Eating Disorders, OCD & Anxiety

This week's video from one of my favourite Recovery Warriors, Arielle, is relevant to the way in which my anxiety, OCD and ED work together. How one (or two) can lead to, be a result of, and maintain the other(s).

WATCH IT HERE

I have suffered from OCD and Anxiety most of my life but only been diagnosed with anorexia in my twenties. My ANX and OCD have always surrounded body image, food, will-power and control. Through lots of therapy and support I manage to control my OCD and ANX, but find it hard to control my ED.

It's hard to separate the three and try and figure out if my anxieties and obbsessions with food, health, calories, weight and body were always an ED or whether these teamed with my perfectionism, self esteem and control issues lead to my anorexia.

Which ever way round it is, the three have a massive impact of my life and all three are hard to overcome.

Click the links above this or below to watch the video on Arielles website.

Arielle says;

"Actively Arielle: A Voice With A Commitment: Eating Disorders, OCD, and Anxiety: This week I discuss these 3 and how they are linked. I also discuss ways of dealing with anxiety, and disclose a bit of personal information..."

Yellow Eggs and Red Sauce

Sitting at breakfast this morning, E and K have scrambled egg on toast. The doorstep toast is warm and the butter is melting nicely, the eggs are scrambled perfectly and look like little egg clouds floating in the jug. The condiments are put in the centre of the breakfast bar, more butter, salt, pepper and tomato ketchup. 

Where's your red sauce? 

Tomato ketchup is delicious on scrambled egg (so I’m told!) as E drizzles the RED sauce on his breakfast; K adds salt to her eggs. “I WISH I could put RED sauce on my eggs, I could just eat that, I bet it’s really tasty” She says. So, on overhearing this, I ask “why don’t you then?” Pause. “Well its RED sauce on YELLOW egg isn’t it? If red and yellow go together I WON’T be able to eat it, I just COULDN'T!” Pause.

My Dad, E,  pushes and pushes for K to try adding RED sauce to YELLOW egg, trying to persuade her that it is (as she suspects) extremely tasty. “Go on, just put some on if you want it.” He suggests. Even sacrificing a slice of his own breakfast for the cause in an attempt for her to try the mixture. They both suspect that it would REALLY complete her breakfast. But it’s no good.  The yellow and red together thing is too much for her to handle. There is NOWAY, no matter HOW tasty it may be, or not matter how much she’d love to, that K will add RED sauce to YELLOW eggs.

This conversation was all too familiar to me. It’s usually me in the ‘Why CAN’T you JUST eat more of what you know will be tasty?” Why CAN’T I just eat more substantial meals, or have full-fat cheese or whole milk? Why can’t I have pasta two nights in a row or eat a slice of cake I’ve lovingly baked for everyone? It doesn’t even work when people sacrifice what I suspect is a yummy sweet, just so I could perhaps TRY it. Nope, it’s just too much sometimes.

It’s what it’s like for me. It’s not a choice, it’s not something I can ‘just do’ and in the same way that there is NOTHING physically stopping K putting tomato ketchup on her eggs, there is nothing PHYSICALLY stopping me eating more, stopping me eating high calorie foods, foods with a higher fat content. I have those foods there in front of me, ready and waiting.  I wish I could eat them, like K wishes she could put red sauce on yellow eggs, but it is a fear holding us back. It can seem irrational to those around us, that can’t understand WHY if you like the taste of something, if you WANT something that you CAN have, why don’t you just do it?  

It’s not even a case of not eating now, because I am eating and to me I am eating a lot. Almost five times more than in the grip of my anorexia, five times more calories, five times more food. I’m Five times BETTER than at my worst and better at battling the fears.  My calories are very nearly back to normal (okay, with the help of Fortisip) but I still can’t JUST EAT high-calorie foods, foods I have labelled ‘bad’ for most of my life and foods that I have fears around. I wish I could help people understand that I have this fear, this barrier, and this power stopping me with EVERY bite. 

The foods I have now re-introduced in to my diet were once dangled in front of me, teasing me, but I just couldn’t eat them. Every bite of food I now eat was once K’s red sauce and yellow yolk situation, each one I now eat required me to face my fear front on and put it in my mouth. Each food I still won’t touch is going to require me to be brave enough to just face it and eat it. Each time E and K see me eat something new, something on my ‘bad’ and ‘fear food’ list, they need to remember it’s like K facing her fear head on and adding the sauce to her breakfast, which today, she didn't. I was just too much. 

Too much to handle 

Yes, to other people my fears probably seem ‘irrational’ - food is, so I'm told, to be enjoyed. It's the same way I can’t understand why red sauce can’t be put on yellow egg yolks. 

When I attempted to explain this concept this morning I was greeted with ‘Yes, but, at least I am eating.” Au contraire, dearest K, you’re not. You are denying yourself the red sauce on your eggs, despite knowing it’ll be tasty. It maybe be on a different scale. But the concept is the same! Right? Well, apparently not.

But when K says she CAN’T put it on her eggs, despite really wanting to, I am able to apply my fears of gaining weight, of food and of fat and understand that when she says she CAN’T enjoy ketchup on eggs, she just CAN’T at that point in time. Not only that, she can’t explain WHY she can’t. And so she goes without something she KNOWS she would enjoy, and the eggs go without the sauce.

It’s exactly the same concept. Why can I see it and they can’t? 

Why Don't You Just Eat?

I don’t know what I’ll do If I get asked again ‘Do you want to get better?’ ‘Do you want a new job?’ or the worst ‘Why can’t you just eat?’ These are the questions I keep getting asked by my family. They keep saying that EVERYONE is getting frustrated and annoyed with me because they say ‘You’re an intelligent girl; you know what you need to do.’ I know I have a degree, I know I haven’t always restricted my diet to the extent I did this year and I know I haven’t always been this underweight, but the sooner they realise I have felt like this for A LOT longer than they have known the better. The sooner they might be able to understand why I CANT JUST EAT.

The hardest thing at the moment is they can only understand the physical sides of anorexia, they keep going on and on about how ‘they don’t believe it’s this psychological.’ That my treatment is focusing too much on all that ‘psychological stuff’ and that I need to just eat. K asked if I ‘get told off’ for maintaining my weight and not gaining this week and she can’t understand why I don’t get ‘in trouble’ for not gaining a huge amount of weight.  

I keep getting asked if I want to get better. YES, of course I do, that’s why I am going to my appointments, it’s why I am going through this battle, it’s why I am sat at my parents, not in my own home. If I didn’t want to get better, I wouldn’t have said anything, I wouldn’t go to meetings and I wouldn’t be drinking Fortisip, eating food or listening to my apparently ‘intelligent self’. I don’t think they are trying to understand (and I don’t expect them to fully understand!) that recovery is an exhausting battle which is trying to restore my weight and health physically but trying to re-build my mental health by teaching me to accept my body, my weight and to build a better relationship with food. Basically, re-teaching the last 10 years of my life.

Dismissing and trivialising of the psychological aspects of anorexia hits me like a bullet, it completely makes me feel pathetic and it makes me feel like I am making it up, that it is trivial and easy to beat. It makes me feel thick and weak for not ‘just getting better’ and it makes me feel like I should know what I want from life. I don’t. I don’t know what I am fighting for, other than health right now. But in order to fight for my health I have to fight off Ana, I have to fight off anxiety, obsessions and fear – and trust that it will be worth it.  I have to leave a place where I feel safe and warm and in control and run and leap in to the freezing cold sea and swim for dear life.

They don’t seem to want to accept that I have presented them with a ‘happy’ me for so long, but I haven’t felt like that inside. I can see that is hard for them, I get that – it’s the way I felt when an old friend told me she had and ED a few years ago and even I hadn’t noticed. It made me feel horrific for not noticing her pain, 

But that’s the biggest danger of eating disorders, they makes you good at ‘sucking it up’ at hiding your feelings and amazing at pretending you’re fine. Because Ana always CONVINCES you and everyone around you, that you ARE fine. It’s just the way I am, I just like to be healthy and in control and I don’t like chocolate. 

I was obviously good at it, because everyone around me isn’t accepting just how long this has been going on. I just wish they'd believe me. 

Blame, Responsibility and Forgiveness

I re-read a post tonight from a fellow Recovery Warrior's blog - recovery, PJ style: blame, responsibility and forgiveness:

It sums up the way I feel too about blame and forgiveness. I spend a lot of time blaming myself for my eating disorder, I spend time blaming MYSELF for not recovering yet and I feel I always cause problems, I blame myself for that and I am constantly trying to make up for causing conflicts. I want people to FORGIVE me for things I do when I feel guilty and most of all I blame myself for the pain and upset I cause by not getting better and not being good enough at recovery. It's NOT productive and it's time I stopped blaming

These tips, points and sort of rules on Blame and Forgiveness are great for a lot of people recovering from and ED. They certainly work for me...I love it when someone else's writing/work/therapy has a positive influence on my own discoveries. So thank you....and here are her thoughts on Blame, Responsibility and Forgiveness

-Blame is of no use. It wastes time and energy and does not fix anything.
-It is possible for no-one to be to blame in a situation.
-Just because the other person is not to blame does not automatically make me to blame by default.
-Taking responsibility is a much more proactive and positive way to reframe my negative thoughts.
-I can be responsible for solving a problem without being to blame for causing it.
-If an altercation occurs which I am not to blame for, I still have the power of forgiveness.
-Forgiveness does not mean having to apologise or feel small.
-Forgiveness simply means letting go of blame.

But my favourite is...

I can still be responsible for my recovery, without being to blame for my illness.

Needs, Should and Don't

A few things I need to take from today's session and use to keep focused and why recovery is worth it.

I don't need to pretend I am okay
I don't need to pretend that it's easy.
I can't ignore that it's there
I can't ignore that it's not an issue
I shouldn't ignore these thoughts
I shouldn't forget about mistakes
I need ackknowledge my achievements
I need to live for now.

Be mindful and focused on RECOVERY.

A recovery that DOESN'T need to BE PERFECT
A recovery that IS NOT going to be LINEAR
A recovery that is UNIQUE to ME
A recovery that needs FOCUS and DRIVE
A recovery which needs PERSEVERANCE and PATIENCE

As long as I am still going in the right direction, it's okay
As long as I make little changes, it's okay
As long as I am becoming more aware, it's okay

Recovery is HARD, WORTH IT and POSSIBLE.

Talking to Ana

A conversation between Ana and me this morning…

Following an argument with my younger sister and knock on argument with my parents, this is the way the Ana and I sorted this whole thing out. I am going to start doing this more often so I can work out how to shut her up, once and for all...this is a technique used by Jenni Schaefer in her book, and I think it really does help me further separate my thoughts from my eating disordered thoughts.

Ana: Don’t eat your breakfast. They don’t care about you and you don’t need this breakfast now. You didn’t want it anyway did you? I will make you feel better if you don’t eat it.

Me: You’re right, I hate this breakfast. I don’t deserve to eat it anyway, what’s the point?

Ana:  100%, that’s right –don’t eat it. Make a scene – It’ll make them feel bad and guilty for not caring about you and you’ll feel good afterwards for not eating it.

Me: You’re right, I want them to feel bad about this too.

Ana: So stop eating you selfish fat cow.

 <I WALK AWAY FROM THE BOWL – GO DRY MY HAIR READY TO GET OUT THE HOUSE AND GO FOR A WALK.  THEN RETURN TO THE BOWL >

Me: Hang on, You’re not helping me are you? It’s just going to make it worse by causing a scene. And you’re wrong, how does ME not eating make them feel bad? It’s killing me, not them. You’re wrong!”

<I PICK UP THE BOWL AND CARRY ON EATING, THIS TIME OUTSIDE ALONE and CRYING>

Ana: No I am not. I made people listen to you before didn’t I? They can’t hear you. They don’t even CARE that you’re crying

Me: Yes they can hear me. I just need to clear my head and then talk to them about it when I have shut you up.

Ana: Leave a little bit of breakfast then, just for me?

Me: Okay, but just a little.

<I LEAVE SOME BREAKFAST...THEN, WALKING TO COSTA>

Ana: Thank You for that Sarah. Just think, you're burning calories now too. Great! Oh, and when you get to Costa you’ll order an Americano – because you’ve had too much milky coffee recently and there are WAY too many calories in them. You’ve already had too much this morning; you won’t have saved any calories if you do. Plus, today is Sunday; you’re bound to eat too much later too.

Me: Ana, restricting my calories is not going to make them feel worse. They are getting on with their lives and want me to get better too. I am having a coffee light not an Americano, I've burnt cals and deserve it.

Ana: Okay, well you won’t be having a burger with your dinner then or bread with your soup later, unless you like being greedy that is?

Me: Oh, we’ll see about that Ana. By the time I have cleared my head I might feel stronger again. Plus, I know I can’t let other people’s emotions stop my recovery. Including YOU.

<I DRINK COFFEE AND WRITE THIS>

The bad bit of this is I DIDN'T have the burger, this has had an effect on my mood and eating today. I am going to bed under my calories and I feel very low tonight. Let's hope a conversation with her tomorrow goes more my way....

It's no big deal...is it?

I came across another blog this morning which I have re-read this evening and sometimes in recovery we look for inspiration from others. This is it for me today, mainly because I could have written it myself, it hits home and has made me consider my own 'NBD demons'

Loving Imperfection is worth following.

Her second letter to ED is poignant and hits home, especially the notion of 'No Big Deals' - every time I shrug off not reaching my calories, Ana say's don't worry. Each time I weigh or precisely measure out my food, Ana said, 'Don't worry, it's OK, you get comfort from me' and when I want to miss a meal Ana eggs me on. As I am eating, I feel I am doing enough, it's easy to think 'I'm OK." I haven't REALLY got an ED' I've talked about  feeling like I am 'faking' it and I could TOTALLY eat whatever I wanted if I tried. It's NBD if I count is it? If I chose things because of their calories instead of their taste? and it's totally normal to think about food all day, isn't it? Like I said, NBD?

But realistically these are the final ropes of my ED tied around my hands. This is something I have learnt today.

It's Ana is trying to keep her hold on my life, she's looking for new ways to continue being the sneaky bitch that she is. - trying to tell me that all these habits and rituals around food are 'normal' 

ANA, GIRL, THEY'RE NOT.

 This is what Loving Imperfection said; 

"I always said it was ‘just my personality’ because I truly never believed my eating disorder was ‘that bad’ and I also always wanted to prove how capable and ‘normal’ I was by rebelling against advice, but all the while this was ED’s final hold on me."

and a quote from her second letter to 'Ed' 

"You have taken one of my strongest attributes – determination and you have morphed it into a self hating mask of rebellion. When someone tells you “NO” you fire up in anger and say, “Watch me.” as if there is something to prove. Up until now, I’ve stayed in your revolting command, obliviously covering it all up with “no big deals” and “so whats.” So let me ask you this: If all of these “no big deals” were truly no big deal, then why have I landed here in treatment?

Read more on her blog or follow her on Twitter

Anorexia and the Minnesota Starvation Experiment...

ANOREXIA, BULIMIA & THE MINNESOTA STARVATION EXPERIMENT  < Read it Here

I was told to read this study a while ago by my therapist and I did. I re-read it this afternoon to remind myself that some of the behaviours I still find distressing or upsetting in recovery are a result of semi-starvation. Not always Ana. With restoring weight these habits, obsessions and symptoms with fade...

Physiologist Ancel Keys led the starvation experiment

I know in order to figure of the psychological roots of my anorexia and to be mentally strong enough to distance myself from Ana I need my body to NOT be in semi-starvation. Until I have restored enough weight and consuming enough calories, I am going to feel unable to cope with the stress of therapy.

POEM: I Wish...

I wish I knew a way out,
A way to gain and grow,
I didn't want this life,
The thoughts,
But how was I to know?
I didn't want to be this way,
To lose everything I had,
My house, my job,
My dreams my goals,
To feel so lost and sad.
I wanted to be perfect,
And happy in my skin.
The thing I wish
I knew before,
And believed today,
is that
Happy isn't thin.