The Concept of a Recovery Ninja

I suppose this is the complete flip side to the concept of pro-ana (support?) right?

A Recovery Ninja is the Buffy to the demon, the Batman to the Joker and any other good guy to the baddy analogy you'd like to insert here.

Let's get Ana Slaying!

After being so involved in such a destructive online world when I was in the depths of my eating disorder I become scared of talking openly about my ED online since entering recovery. Anxious about coming across triggering websites, meeting people who would enhance the feelings I still feel and about talking to people that I would then become competitive with over my ED.

I have been up and down and round and round, following people, blocking people, poking them, deleting them as friends. Always scared that one thing could trigger me, one thing could trap me in the same games I was hooked on playing before. There is so must pro-ana and thinspo on the internet, its everywhere. Pintrest, Tumblr, Facebook, Forums, Sites and Blogs, I am sometimes scared to read comments or click on pictures, just in case. The we have Twitter....

..I don't openly talk about my ED online anywhere other than here and on Twitter. I wasn't going to at all until one recovery rant started and that was that. As soon as I used the hashtag #recovery #eatingdisorder and #ana - I discovered a whole new world.

Initially I started following 'Tweeps' and allowed them to follow me, always scared of whether it was the right things to be doing. Whether it was constructive to my recovery or whether I was making a big mistake entering another 'ED' world on the WWW. I sometimes still worry...

But recently I have found so much love, support and inspiration from a group of Recovery Ninjas whom I trust, who I believe in and who inspire me to keep going in this battle. They are my Buffy. They help me fight my demons, whilst fighting their own. We all have bad days, we all have good days, we take hits and we do some serious fighting too.

Eating Disorders can make even the strongest of people feel vulnerable lonely and misunderstood. All the qualities that drew me and my illness in to the pro world, but funnily they are also the feelings I get sometimes in recovery and are the ones that are smashed by the Tweets of other people going through this too. The ninjas and warriors I talk to are fighters, they are winners and they are just down right amazing recovery advocates.

It's nice to have found a group of people that 'get it' and don't want to make me worse, aren't setting me up to compete and are there through the day (and night) to help me fight. I use Twitter to rant, cry, laugh and share my triumphs and affirmations and hope that I can help everyone else too. Tonight I was touched when some Ninjas said I was inspirational. Me? Inspirational?

My gosh, I certainly don't feel inspirational, I am just fighting as hard as I can, making mistakes, learning from them, not doing enjoy, worrying too much and struggling with life. But in all of this I have one goal that keeps me going. Freedom from Ana and the desire to keep going in the right direction.

We need to remember that everyone's personal Ed is different, everyone's recovery is different. We are all different, different ages, nationalities, personalities and different people. We have different ups and contrasting downs but one thing we do share is the desire to kick some serious ED ass. 


This is for you #RecoveryWarriors. You are amazing. 

The Pro Ana Hangover

There are some things that go round and round my head and the only way I can stop them circling is finding a reason and root of those thoughts.

I was doing some of this tornado-style (over) thinking over my lunch this afternoon - a delicious toms on toast with baby leaf salad...

The lunch that caused a whirlwind!

...and it occurred to me that some of the things I was stressing about were not necessarily what I thought about my meal, but more like sort of a 'hangover' from the way I functioned when I was active on a pro-ana site.

I don't talk about this time much and I don't want to dwell on it. It shrunk my world even more than the illness already had, it consumed my thoughts, my time and my internet browsing history. It is something I know I fell into when I was at my weakest, confusing how weak it was making me, with a sense of strength 'Ana' was getting from being on there. It was a time when I didn't want to get better, I didn't want help, I wanted to find happiness in my hunger and destructive willpower and I wanted to be the strongest, most dedicated and successful of Ana's 'friends'. (By the way, I never found it and Ana doesn't like you, she's trying to kill you...)

Now, this hangover is a bitch...

The worst hangover ever!

I used to post my 'meal plans', my plans for the day, how I was going to restrict, cut down from the day before, how I was going to look less greedy, how many 'binge free days' I could tally up. I ACTUALLY cared what these other people thought of my self-destruction. I looked to them to agree with Ana. I wanted to hear that I was fat, that I was greedy and that I needed to do more. You know what, they did do that.

Each time I posted what I had eaten I wanted it to be a little less. I knew those other girls were judging me, thinking I looked greedy and I believed they were glad they weren't as gluttonous as me. It pushed me to eat even less than I was already doing.

So, I'll get to the point.

I am now paranoid that when I say what I have eaten, when I take snapshots of the food I have cooked, when I try new and exciting foods, when I fill out my food diaries for the clinic, that people are judging me, they thing I am greedy. I have a hangover conflict that goes a bit like this…

I am proud of the food I have prepared. Excited about my meals but..

* Terrified of people sniggering at me, thinking I am too greedy and that one day some one is going to make a comment about the sheer amount (in my opinion) of food I eat.

* I am worried I could trigger others with my food ramblings or excitement or portion size. I really don't want to and I would never forgive myself if I did.

* Worried that people will ask me for tips or advice on weight loss - I won't EVER forgive myself for telling people what I did (or didn't do) to lose weight.

* I am worried that I will talk to the wrong people or that people will trick me into listening to Ana again - get in with the 'wrong' crowd. (I am lucky here to have found some amazing #recoverywarriors instead and that I am strong enough to 'block' triggers)

I hope this is NEVER the case. And I hope I continue to expand my diet, my adventures in the kitchen, my love of baking and become more free with my food.I also hope I can inspire others to see they can rediscover food and expand their diets (and lives) instead.

It proves how much of a detrimental effect these sites can have on people suffering with EDs. Others prey on their (our) weaknesses and watch us unravel. But I want to learn from my mistakes, learn from what I have been through and use it to get stronger.

I just wish I could shake this god damn awful hangover! 

Confessions from Ana #1

"I loved that you found a pro-ana site that hooked you in. It made my job that little bit easier."


love Ana x

Explanation from me:

This confessional moment is a big step for me. Since being in recovery I have almost felt 'guilty' (common guilt about everything again!) about how I still feel weak for getting absolutely hooked on a pro-ana forum.

In fact, I feel guilty for ever being considered the once holy accolade of 'thinspo' and for posting my food diaries, my tips and my pictures of my body wasting away...

I have saved my diaries from this time of my life - all of them. My forum journals and my pictures, my goals, my food diaries and when I am strong enough I will edit them and publish to illustrate the changes anorexia caused in my personality.

Despite this, I still have pangs of Guilt for being anti-pro-ana - like I am a fraud for hating the sites much - when I adored it so much, for so long. I have mixed feelings about the girls I know are still trapped there. I want them to escape....

I used to think I'd never get 'addicted' to anything like that. But it proves how Ana can change you, how she can make you weak and alter your ability to
make rational and informed decisions.

I need to join in and help raise awareness of these sites. The pro-ana twitters, the advocates of Ana. If they got me... I dread to think how they could destroy others lives.