Fixing Frustrations

I just hate my body, but what I hate that it's so frustrating too.  By 'it' I mean me.

That's frustration with the physical skin I'm living in and frustration with myself that I can't seem to shake of the thoughts. 

Not only that, there's the frustration that I know losing weight wouldn't make it go away - and frustration that I'm endlessly searching for a 'fix' that I know will never find. But still have a glimmer of hope that I could.

I feel like I have no answer or clue how to shake the frustration. And that's frustrating itself. 

I get frustrated with food too. With the freedom to eat. I don't like it. It feels like food controls me more when I eat freely these days. I feel like it's sneaky and greedy and it means I have to fight the next level or not exercising it off. 

It's also extremely frustrating that none of this bothers me enough for it to be a major problem. It's not enough to force me to give up the freedom recovery has given me.

But it is frustrating enough to make little changes and plans. Enough for me to pray I'm 'strong' enough not to 'give in' to cake and chocolate in the run up to Christmas, 'strong' enough to make myself more active and strong enough to fire up my jealousy of other people.

Those other people are those in recovery who seem from the outside to have balance - health and are skinnier than me and seemingly sorted. But also those without eating disordered pasts that don't understand the limbo between fully recovered and fully consumed by anorexia. 

It's all frustratingly unfixable. And I don't even have the answers to fixing those frustrations, let alone the answers to what I want fixing. 

Washing off the stains of anorexia

Frustration, anger, entrapment and guilt. The stains of imperfection remain and I wish they'd scrub off and I'd scrub up.

Unless you're also in recovery from anorexia, I'm sure those words don't automatically get linked to your body. They're probably not the feelings heightened during a Sunday morning shower after a lie in either, But for me, they are.

Every lump, bump and bulge was staring me in the face during my shower this morning. Every single imperfection screaming at me as I stood there, trying to wash off the thoughts and feelings. They've stained my skin, even as they fade. They are still there, and expanding. 

But I'm left feeling totally powerless to change my body, because over the past three years in treatment I know losing weight isn't a real solution. But what is? Is there one? 

I can reel off the textbook therapy answers, that fixing my body, addressing my faults, banishing the fat I see everywhere doesn't fix the mind. Won't ever wash the stain on my brain. 

But when the mind is still looking for a fix. It's hard to not feel frustrated, especially when my bare skin is staring back at me. I'm angry at being in this skin.

Frustrated that I can't fix me. Frustrated that I don't exercise. Frustrated that other people with and without anorexia are fitter, thinner and healthier than me. Frustrated that I feel like I am always going to be less than good enough.

That's where feeling trapped comes in. I feel that frustration which feeds the anger and guilt. But I'm also aware of the motivation, the reality, what other people would say to me. If I make myself feel better in the short term, by agreeing with anorexia, long term, these four emotions trap me more. They'd kill me. 

But then there is the guilt. The guilt for the gains, the guilt for the greed, the guilt for not dedicating more time and energy into channelling the 'willpower' that anorexia still tries to convince me made it all better. Recalling conversations, meals, calories and cakes. Yes, I can only blame myself. It's my fault I am feeling like this at all.

I know better than that. I know it's lies. I know it isn't a real, long lasting and peaceful solution. But in the shower, alone, naked, it's still so raw and real. I still hate being in this skin. I still want a solution. I still want to be better. I still wish I could control the flesh I now know I can't. 

It's not me, it's...

...well, I don't know what it is. But the full body mirror and nakedness after a sun bed didn't help. 

I know what it's not though, it's NOT body dysmorphia. You know why? Because I haven't got BDD, never have had.

I know I'm not overweight, I know I am not 'fat. The number on the scale makes sense, I am not 72kgs, so can't LOOK the same as I did I lost weight. I know this. I see a different shape.

I don't want to look like I did at my lowest. I don't want my spine on show, I don't desire arms the size of a child's and I am not too fussed about a thigh gap. I never was.

The problem is I REALLY don't like what I've got. But then again, how many women do? There bits of my body I wish were more toned. There are bits I'd pinch in and curves I'd like to add to. I get that. Most women are unhappy with some part of their bodies (aren't they?)

The issue I have is my fixation with my stomach. I have to admit, I DO prefer the way it looks at closer to my lowest weight than I do right now. I still spend far too long wishing there was a way of NOT starving but having THAT stomach. 

I just DON'T want the protruding pelvis and muscle wastage in my thighs which gave me the midriff I approved of back then. 

It's just so hard when anorexia made me feel confident in a bikini and recovery really doesn't. But the thing I do know is that, it's not real. That confidence isn't me. It's anorexia and that stomach comes with a whole load contracts I'm not willing to sign. 

I just wish I BELIEVED that when I'm stood in front of a full length mirror. And I wish people believed me when I told them this.

Where's the BODY piece of this jigsaw?

So if I told anyone how I felt about my body today, they'd probably tell me the usual 'it's anorexia making you feel that', 'you need to accept yourself, warts and all' 'you're not fat...' Blah, blah, blah.

But I get sick to death of people telling me I don't FEEL fat. I do feel fat, I really do. I also see it. It's real to me. So please, dear GOD can people stop telling me I'm not. I am subjectivity fat, for me.

No, I'm not about to launch a career as a plus-size model (nor am I skeletal enough to strut it down a catwalk at London Fashion Week) but to me, I have lumps, bumps and bulges in more place than I care to have. 

No, thinking this doesn't mean I revert to anorexic behaviours. I haven't skipped my meals or snacks because of my disgust in my own skin today. In fact I faced a fear food I've not had in a very long time. But anyway, you and I both know anorexia's 'ideas' don't help fix anything.

This is where my head gets messiest, where I stop understanding and where despite putting other bits of the puzzle together, there is still a missing jigsaw piece in my recovery.

I poke my stomach or look in the mirror or glance down at my body and I just SIGH. Every single time, I SIGH, I don't know what to do, what to say to people, how to deal with it, how to change it. 

No one else is with me when I try Size 10 jeans on and I pray they're too big, then I have muffin top. No one else is with me when I wake up and already have a bloated round belly resembling someone who's 4 months pregnant. No one is with me when I throw my clothes around my bedroom because every top I try on clings to my stomach. No one is with me when I look at lower weight pictures of myself with rose tinted glasses. No one is with me when I put my running kit on and feel too huge to even run. No one is with me when I endlessly click on dresses on ASOS unable to buy anything because I know it won't look right. No one can hear the constant 'they think I'm too fat' conversations in my head, despite getting on with life (and recovery).

All this. Everyday. I wake up most days and still hope to find the jigsaw piece has turned up. I hope I look in the mirror and think 'Okay, I can deal with that'. Unfortunately, It never turns up.   

I can be SO positive and actually full-on positive sometimes, yet I tell myself such negative things, believe them and think all this at the same time? HOW?

This is the missing piece for me at the moment. I can put together my recovery jigsaw and do my recovery sums. I can see that sticking to my meal plan is a better option than restricting. I fully 100% know that anorexia will never fix this. I also felt awful at my lowest weight, so know losing weight and numbers won't fix it. I know that 1000x sit-ups a day or running every mile I can won't fix it.

So what will? 

My thinking right? Logically, I know that my thinking needs to change, but I can't stop looking at my body for the answers or solutions (or for it to magically change or appear the way I want it to) Nothing anyone says or does CHANGES how I see my body. It just makes me more resentful of it. 

The jigsaw piece I need to find to join this link in my recovery is in the head. But my head is screaming that I'm fat remember, so any suggestions to where the piece is would be more than welcome. 

I really hope I find this piece somewhere soon, it's so frustrating trying to remain positive about the other bits of the puzzle that I've worked hard to put in place, when I can't seem to finish it off. 

I never have liked jigsaws.

Oh, My, Bod.

I’d like to believe I was immune to society’s pressure to look a certain way; I have attempted to convince myself I was for years. But when it boils down to it, something out there has contributed to the way in which I see myself when I look in the mirror. There must have been messages out there that gave me something to judge myself by? Perhaps it’s the constant comparing, the inability to take compliments and my on-going obsession over my ‘worst’ bits that skew what I see? Or perhaps, I need to admit, it’s actually ALL of the above?

Although my disordering eating started BEFORE I placed as much emphasis on ‘how I looked’ (a mix of OCD, anxiety and emetaphobia as a child) my desire to achieve what I see ‘perfection’ in the mirror has most definitely been a factor in developing Anorexia Nervosa.

In my eyes, people around me, whether we’re talking about models, celebrities, friends or strangers has always been prettier, thinner, better dressed, less cellulite, got better hair (you get the picture) than me.  My obsession with comparing my body to others, usually unfavourably, drove me crazy. I believed that being the thinnest, the most ‘in control’ of my body would help me stop comparing and start accepting my body, because it would be perfect. I spent (and still spend) a lot time WISHING my body was different, teeth whiter, hair blonder, tummy flatter, and a lot of time moaning about these things to friends, again and again.

Don’t get me started on compliments. Compliments have equalled lies in my eyes. I don’t see how people could think I was attractive, how they might actually like my lumps and bumps? Weird. I don’t get it, I don’t see it, I don’t feel it. This is the most destructive bit, I don’t feel it, so everyone else it wrong, they’re lying to me. I realise this has to change, it's not a fair trial if I discard evidence is it? I'd make a really bad lawyer. 

I didn’t know what weight would make me happy, what measurements would make me ‘perfect’ and what at all would improve what I saw in the mirror. What do Victoria’s Secrets weigh and measure is a question I have often asked.  Of course, whatever goal I set, it moved when I got there because I wasn’t happy, yes, a lower weight MIGHT equal perfect and therefor happiness.  

Even before my obsession with the numbers on the scales in more recent years, I suppose I used society’s notion of the ‘perfect body’ as my scale as I was growing up.  I wanted to be top of the scale, but not knowing where I was starting from made that a little tricky.

Of course, like I said, it’s not the only thing that led to my eating disorder, but I do think it plays a large part in halting my recovery. With the help of my therapist and dietician I can start to restore weight and health, start eating a more nutritional diet and working a way out of the control of AN, but it’s me that has to start accepting my body to move forwards.

However, developing a less discorded picture of my own body is proving difficult when every women I know moans about their body, wants to change numerous things, is making 2012 the year they stick to Weight Watchers or getting their teeth whitened. No body seems satisfued with what they've got. But I seem to take that to the extreme, sub consciously/  Plus, those VS models are still there, looking sort of, well, perfect aren’t they?

So where I don’t feel Body Image is ALWAYS directly linked with eating disorders, and no, not EVERY women who has issues with body image (name me a women that doesn’t, hard huh?) DEVELOPS an eating disorder, when both eating and body image are both disordered, it can be a long, hard road to improve your relationship with food and to accept your body for what it is, imperfections and all. I should know. I’m trying now.

Body Checking: Part II

I wanted to share a video from the lovely Arielle Bair (click her name to visit her blog!) from her Wednesday Warrior series on the WeRFreEDomFighters channel about Body Checking and Mirrors because it definitely helps me remember that BODY CHECKING is an ED behaviour which can be as destructive to my recovery as getting on the scales, counting calories or restricting my intake.

I am going to remind myself and watch this video all week to help fight this part of my recovery. 

Body Checks: The New Calorie Counting

Body image, BDD, weight restoration, hatred of 'hippo pictures'......there seems to be a new theme of posts appearing that are moving away from the eating, from the calories and from the food.

This is another layer of my eating disorder being stripped bare and laid out for me to try and get my head round. Hang in there with me, I'm warning you, this one could take a while.........

So, I was sat in my therapist's office on Friday, holding my favourite pink cushion to my stomach, legs twisted and crossed up a blanket (it was EVEN cold on the ward, yes!) and sitting with my arm crossed across my chest, holding on to my cold, hard shoulder bone, you know checking it was still there.

I was brought out of my, "is there more fat on this, do my thighs look chubby today, I can feel my stomach fat, my leggings are digging in" thoughts by Mrs W announcing that she was going to start some work on 'BODY IMAGE' with me to work on my BDD and resistance to weight restoration.

Starting with telling me about the new 'Body Check' journal I have to keep.

Me? Body Check? I automatically wondered why I was having to do that "I don't do that, I don't body check" Unless of course, she's talking about taking pictures of my body or obsessing about old pictures or poking my fat stomach? Oh, those body checks. Right, here goes...

I suppose it was easier to ignore or not notice the checking and my body in general as much when my preoccupation was fully on food and calories. But recently, as my MPs are settling in, and food is out of my control, as I am gaining weight,  these body thoughts are creeping in more and more...they warned me. 

It just shows my inability to think about anything else to do with my ED when I was still restricting, when my whole life was consumed with the eating side of anorexia, the calories, the portions, the scales, the weighing of food, the starving. When I thought I wasn’t REALLY AN, it ‘was just about the food’ that I am just being a fussy eater.  I am realising now, it might not be that, I might be AN! It also reminds me how deep rooted these thoughts are. This plus the general confidence and body image side of things has taken priority over every other single aspect of my life. 

Realistically, the body checking started a LONG time BEFORE the starvation, it's these checks that led me to 'give in' and listen to my ED thoughts and change what I was checking. Am I just vain? Do vain people do this? Why do I do this? (I'd like to add here that I think this is where people think AN sufffers are just self obbsessed and vain and that is all it is - I don't think they consider that we use this as ammunition to HATE ourselves and drive me to starve)  I have always poked, prodded, taken photos to beat myself up about, spent hours, days even, in front of the mirror, hating every inch of my fat, ugly, disguising body. Hours of my life spent in the gym, in the swimming pool, distracted all the time by my fat. Self hate is so deep rooted in me that I don't even know what I look like any more. I have called myself a barrel, podgeo and a hippo for as long as I remember - and ALWAYS CHECKED for the bits of my body that confirm these nicknames. I still do. 

Now in recovery, after destroying my body to stop these daily, hourly, minute by minute checks I am worried about how much is going to come out from this body checking diary thing because today I haven’t recorded it all but it's constant. 

Every time I go to the toilet I hold my stomach and hope it goes down when I pee. I poke my belly and look at my fat belly button and when I pull my leggings or jeans back up I look at how my stomach looks In what I am wearing. I check my hip bones, front and back, I spin around to check how my butt is growing. When I am talking to friends or in sessions I cover my stomach with cushions and clothes and play with my shoulders and collar bone more than I realised I do. I notice when I was sat in Costa that I often sit up straight and feel my spine and hip bones from the back and although I said to Mrs. W that I didn’t think my legs bothered me I noticed how much I touch my knees and feel the tendons and ligaments behind the knee a lot and obsess with out my thighs look all squished and fat when I'm sitting down.

I also need to be HONEST with myself here, because I feel guilty because I know I take more picture’s of my body than I let on to Mrs. W too. It might not be a lot compared to how many I used to take when I was losing weight, but I know I take more pictures that other people probably do. To ‘check’ what I look like. But I suppose more than that I spend a long time looking back at old photographs, ones I took of myself specifically because of my ED, for my own thinspro for my ED and weight loss and also looking at pictures of days out before and during losing weight to try and figure out what I think about my body.

To put it in perspective, I don’t actually have enough space in my journal or time to write them all down. To write how often I look at my stomach, or glance in the mirror and tell myself I look awful and ugly or think about how thin my hair looks, the condition of my skin all my fat and everything. Every time I look in the mirror I give myself some sort of grief about how I look or I worry about how I look. Too fat but too ill as well and you know, not perfect. NBD right?

It's these new NBD moments of checking my body, always, always the bits I hate the most, which keep the spiral of self-hate alive. They are the NBD moments that make gaining weight scary, they are the checks that my ED drives my to do. They are the check, the preoccupation and the obbsession which should tell me I'm still battling AN, despite eating. The Body Check NBDs are the biggest NBDs now and this is where the real hard work starts. 

Anyway, I need to remember that every time I go looking for the bits I hate I figure out the same thing, I hate it. Not really a productive way to spend my life is it? I know the answer. 

A picture speaks a thousand words...

..but it doesn't tell you what's going on behind the eyes

and those words could very well be lies.

So before you see what you think you see,

Close your eyes and listen to me. 

I did promise myself I would stop looking back, stop being overly reminiscent, dragging up the past. I promise, I'm slowly learning there is no need. There is only a need to look (and move) forward in recovery. 

However, when talking about 'goal weights' and goals in general I needed to take a look back and think about times when I have perhaps been 'happier' with my body, my weight, myself. Cue plugging in my external hard drive and opening up a folder in Pictures labelled - Ana & Me. 

It's not a folder I wanted to open this early in my recovery, it's full of weight loss pictures, thinspro, pictures of food (lack of food) and my old journals. It could have been a trigger, it could have pushed me back to her life, rules and made me go backwards. 

The reason to this crazy behaviour was something Mrs W and I spoke about last week. How would I feel about setting my old UGW as my target for restoration now? Would it feel different now I am not on a one-track mission to create 'Anorexia's perfect body' would it be the ultimate kick in the bitches teeth to make that my first recovery goal? (Yes, I still need to restore to G1)

Well, I opened up the folder 'UGW Reached' and you know what my first reaction was? Oh, I look really fat. FAT, yes, FAT. I looked straight at my stomach, my thighs, my sides. (N.B my weight plummeted past my original UGW earlier in the summer) No, that weight wouldn't make me happy. I hate that picture. I hate all these pictures. Every picture documenting my fight with AN, every new bone showing, every pound lost, every half pound loss. A set of pictures illustrating my spiralling mental health, the shut down of my life and my pain. But I can't stop looking and looking and looking.

I had to snap out of it, close the folder and rethink this idea... 

The next thing I did was look at old pictures, of happy times, from uni, from London, pictures of times when my mind told me I was fat, but I was happy enough in other areas of my life to tell Ana to zip it and leave me alone. Cue another set of emotions... 

On the outside I look happy, I am smiling, I am with friends, I am even eating cake and sweets and chips in some, but this is what I mean. These pictures hurt EVEN more than the 'Ana and Me' ones, because I don't look back and think of the fun, I look back and see FAT. I see the pain behind my eyes, I see my imperfections and I see all the things I used as ammunition to allow my fall to Ana. 

I saw one photo this morning and had to burn it. It was horrific and the abuse my ED launched at my when I saw it hurt. Instead of seeing me at my nieces 2nd birthday, I saw fat, I saw hippo, I wondered why noone told me to lose weight, I wondered how the guy I was seeing at the time EVER found me attractive. I hated it. So I burned it. 

So, there isn't get a conclusion to this, I don't know how I feel or how much a photograph really proves about happiness, I think it might even say less than the scales, in my eyes at least.

I just need to stop looking back at photo's and memories at the moment. Maybe I'll open up (and burn) more when the time feels right. 

Body Gossiping about Body Image...

As part of Body Gossip's Body Image Advent I have been thinking about my own issues surrounding my ED and my Body Image.....

I’d like to believe I was immune to society’s pressure to look a certain way; I have attempted to convince myself I was for years. But when it boils down to it, something out there has contributed to the way in which I see myself when I look in the mirror. Perhaps it’s the constant comparing, the inability to take compliments and my on-going obsession over my ‘worst’ bits that skew what I see? Or perhaps, I need to admit, it’s actually ALL of the above?

Although my disordering eating started BEFORE I placed as much emphasis on ‘how I looked’ (a mix of OCD and emetaphobia as a child) my desire to achieve what I see ‘perfection’ has most definitely been a factor in developing Anorexia Nervosa.

In my eyes, people around me, whether we’re talking about models, celebrities, friends or strangers, they have always been prettier, thinner, better dressed, got less cellulite and have better hair (you get the picture) than me.  My obsession with comparing my body to others, usually unfavourably, drove me crazy. I believed that being the thinnest, the most ‘in control’ of my body would help me stop comparing and start accepting my body, because it would be perfect. I spent (and still spend) a lot time WISHING my body was different, teeth whiter, hair blonder, tummy flatter, and a lot of time moaning about these things to friends, again and again.

 I didn’t know what weight would make me happy, what measurements would make me ‘perfect’ and what at all would improve what I saw in the mirror. What do Victoria’s Secrets weigh and measure is a question I have often asked.  Of course, whatever goal I set, it moved when I got there because I wasn’t happy, yes, a lower weight MIGHT equal perfect and therefor happiness. I hate to admit it, but even before my obsession with the numbers on the scales in more recent years, I suppose I used society’s notion of the ‘perfect body’ as my scale as I was growing up.  I wanted to be top of the scale, but not knowing where I was starting from made that a little tricky.

 I could reel off to you all the things I HATE about my body, all the things I hated at a heavier weight too (they are the same by the way) You could try and tell me differently, you could attempt to give me a compliment, but it's falling on deaf ears. If I can't see it, you MUST be lying. I still do. I don't feel I look like I have an ED, I don't look anorexic? Emaciated? Why would she use that adjective for me? I'm not the 'E' word, I'm just a bit thinner that before? This is BDD. This is how I think.

Of course, like I said, my BDD not the only thing that has led to my eating disorder, but I do think it plays a large part in halting my recovery. With the help of my therapist and dietician I can start to restore weight and health, start eating a more nutritional diet and working a way out of the control of AN, but it’s me that has to start accepting my body to move forwards. 

However, developing a less discorded picture of my own body is proving difficult when every women I know moans about their body, wants to change numerous things, is making 2012 the year they stick to Weight Watchers or getting their teeth whitened. Plus, those VS models are still there aren’t they?

So where I don’t feel Body Image is ALWAYS directly linked with eating disorders, and not EVERY women who has issues with body image DEVELOPS an eating disorder, when both eating and body image are both disordered, it can be a long, hard road to improve your relationship with food and to accept your body for what it is, imperfections and all. I should know. I’m trying now. 

POEM: If I Were Thin

A poem written after a session at the EDU with Ms. F and after a day thinking about HOW I got here, what keeps me here and the thought processes that have been with me my whole life. Through my work at the EDU and with my psychotherapist I am becoming more aware of my attachment, addiction to and hate for Ana.

If I Were Thin

Unattainable goals
The desire for control
The spiralling jealousy
Which plagues my soul

The constant abuse
Delivered inside
That nobody else hears
And from which I can't hide

The mirror is shattered
From the hurtful song
I can't look and like
Everything is wrong

I'm not the prettiest or smartest
The richest or most thin
And all of the blame
Comes from within

Have I caused this harm?
And done too much wrong
By caring too much
And hearing your song

Have I slipped too far?
And played for too long
why can't I let go?
And silence your song

My desire to be best
For them to hear my pain
Confusion and exhaustion
It drives me insane

I craved perfection
To be better than you
To be the one they envied
To follow things through

By being the thinnest
I’d feel confident within
Id stop comparing,
If I were thin

Thoughts are thoughts...

Thoughts are thoughts, but it is the way I act on them that’ll mean the difference between recovery and living with my eating disorder.

It can work both ways I suppose, I can THINK that I am doing enough and my true self is in control and NOT actually challenge myself enough to restore my weight and recover.

AND 

 I can have ANOREXIC thoughts, distinguish that it’s Ana and I can choose to challenge them and work towards recovery OR I can choose to act upon her rules and restrict or measure or weigh.

In both cases it’s acting on these thoughts that can make the difference in recovery or in continuing to live with my eating disorder holding the reigns.

Take today for example. I thought that I ‘Don’t need to eat an apple after my appointment because I am going for a coffee in an hour, and that could be my mid-morning snack.’ I distinguished that this was an anorexic thought, because a) I was hungry and b) I need to have BOTH at the moment to help increase my calories. So I ACTED on this by buying an apple and eating it. Then I went for my coffee, and thought ‘You only need a small coffee not a medium like usual, because there is SO much milk in that and it might make you feel heavy and sick’ at this moment in the queue in Costa, I could choose to act on this thought as Sarah or Ana. Unfortunately in this case I ordered a small coffee. I made a choice ANA wanted, which isn’t helping with my goal of restoring my weight.

This is a habit I have gotten into, challenging Ana with one thing, then restricting because I have already challenged her and I back off and keep her happy. I am becoming more and more aware of this each time I go through my food diaries with my dietitian. Meal by meal or day by day, it's the same habit. I think this is the first step – being AWARE of the thoughts and who is driving them, the step I need to take now is ACTING on them.

I have another challenge tonight too. One of my goals this week is to eat a jacket potato with beans. The anorexic thoughts I have already had about this since leaving the clinic today are;

1) There are SO many calories in that meal
2) You don’t NEED beans, just have the potato plain with salad
3) What could I have instead that ‘sort of challenges me’ but is safer in terms of cal content
4) Just have beans and no potato
5) If that takes me to XX calories, then don’t snack later, it’s ok.
6) Is it bad to eat potato at dinner because it’s late?
7) You don’t like baked beans
8) They’ll make you bloated and grosse
9) Beans are a waste of calories

And there are probably more that I haven’t noticed, which are all Ana trying to talk me out of eating the dinner I NEED to eat and decided earlier I would try tonight. Now, I have the choice to cook and eat this dinner and make it POSITIVE or to listen to ANA and not work towards recovery. These are just two examples of the clouds of thoughts I feel around EVERY drink, snack and meal.

No wonder my head is muddled and obsessed and preoccupied with thoughts about food and eating. If the theory is right, the more I challenge Ana and go against her, the quicker and less significant these thoughts will become….the more I think them, want to challenge them, go through the process and then let her win by acting in her favour, the harder and longer the fight will be. She ISN’T getting weaker if I don’t turn my back each time…

 I have also been told again and again, it is a trait of anorexia to see life as black and white, good and bad and success and failure and I for one am so guilty of doing this. I know I am. Or not feeling like I am doing well enough in recovery and beating myself up about it and then just 'not bothering' or convincing myself that this is all just fake and I could snap out of it. The proof is in the pudding (How ironic?) though, because when I do just try and ‘be normal’ or attempt to convince myself I can snap out of it. I freak out. I ‘run away’ from the challenge and back into Ana’s arms each time I freak out and DON’T try something. That’s my eating disorder RIGHT there. ...

I know it’s all about listening, reasoning and challenging Ana that will eventually mean 'recovery.’ And my gosh, it seems she needs a lot of challenging right now, I better start ACTING on it and showing her who’s in control.

Anorexia and the Minnesota Starvation Experiment...

ANOREXIA, BULIMIA & THE MINNESOTA STARVATION EXPERIMENT  < Read it Here

I was told to read this study a while ago by my therapist and I did. I re-read it this afternoon to remind myself that some of the behaviours I still find distressing or upsetting in recovery are a result of semi-starvation. Not always Ana. With restoring weight these habits, obsessions and symptoms with fade...

Physiologist Ancel Keys led the starvation experiment

I know in order to figure of the psychological roots of my anorexia and to be mentally strong enough to distance myself from Ana I need my body to NOT be in semi-starvation. Until I have restored enough weight and consuming enough calories, I am going to feel unable to cope with the stress of therapy.

POEM: I Wish...

I wish I knew a way out,
A way to gain and grow,
I didn't want this life,
The thoughts,
But how was I to know?
I didn't want to be this way,
To lose everything I had,
My house, my job,
My dreams my goals,
To feel so lost and sad.
I wanted to be perfect,
And happy in my skin.
The thing I wish
I knew before,
And believed today,
is that
Happy isn't thin.

Don't Believe EVERYTHING you THINK...

I have the destructive habit of taking MY OWN opinion of me, my body, my life and now my recovery and ignoring everyone else's views.

The biggest problem is that I always come out bottom.

Weightless blog wrote about this today and how cognitive distortions can lead to negative emotions and contribute to eating disorders. They defined cognitive distortions as as “a biased way of thinking about oneself or one’s environment, including one’s body image, weight or appearance”

This relates directly to the work I am doing at clinic on' rewiring' my thoughts and learning to accept that MY perception is not always right. In fact, it is usual wrong, especially if I partake in my habit of dispelling all the evidence around me to ensure I maintain my OWN view of myself.

At the end of their post they ask... Which of these cognitive distortions do you relate to most?
The answer...I can relate to all of them, too well. They are all too familiarly and exactly what I am working on in recovery at the moment. I couldn't pick one that I do more than another, and they are SO destructive. To break these cognitive distortions will to break free from my eating disorder.

This is especially destructive when I have ALWAYS compared my self unfavourably to everyone around me. It's a habit I need to break if I am to be completely free from Ana.

Perfectionism = Control + Fear

I need to know that I wasn't perfect, I am not perfect, Recovery can't be perfect, Every day doesn't have to be perfect and nothing is pure or perfect...

The desire for perfectionism is a combination of my desire of control and my fear of what happens if the control is lost, or if I'll never be perfect.

Perfectionism can be destructive. Mine is.

Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.

- David M. Burns-

POEM: You

There are experiences in life I witness, see or hear which stick with me and I can't shake them from my mind. This happened to me yesterday after my appointment at the clinic. As I walked away from my session with Miss. F, full of ideas to help in the battles with Ana I saw a girl.

A girl, who probably wasn't much older than me, although she looked 20 years older. She is an inpatient at the same clinic I am getting treated at and seeing her struggling to walk down the corridor has stuck with me. I can't shake the image of her from my head, nor can I stop thinking about how ill, frail and old she looked.

I wanted to stop, hug her, tell her it'd be okay, tell her she's worth more than that life. But I didn't. And I realised that I need to do the same to myself. I need to remind myself that this is the extent of Ana's games and when I try and convince myself 'I am nothing like her', I need to also remind myself that I am.

As I went to bed last night I took this with me and I wrote a poem about her to try and explain how it made me feel seeing her, especially at the start of a week where I need to turn around my recovery, psychically and psychologically after a tough week last week. This is for you.

You 

You looked so frail,

Your face so old,

To our destructive friend Ana,

Your soul you’ve sold.

It shocked me to see,

Your delicate frame,

But it’s easy to deny,

Our thoughts are the same.

You’re tight in the grasp,

Of the same evil bitch,

But, me, I’m freer,

With the chance to fix.

Your life she has taken,

The control is not yours,

But the damage, your pain,

Still happens indoors.

I caught a glimpse,

Of pain in your eye,

It’s not a life you’d have chosen,

And neither did I.

Your delicate frame,

Covered in a mountain of clothes,

This is not the perfect,

That you or I chose.

Your legs were so tiny,

And your arms weak and thin,

I’m intrigued to know,

What you feel within.

There is a pain that links us,

We saw at a glance,

You looked at me softly,

And saw Ana’s dance.

I don’t want to become,

The girl that I saw,

I know life is worth living,

And I am worth more.

As you struggled towards me,

The look that you gave,

Your eyes were so empty,

Your body, A slave.

The sight of your legs,

The skin on your face,

Tells a tragic story,

Of Ana’s embrace.

Your life seemed shattered,

And your dreams ripped in two,

And I’m going to bed,

With nightmares of you.

I can’t erase this moment,

It’s stuck in my head,

It’s all I can think of,

As I lie in my bed.

Your fragile bones,

Clear for me to see,

The struggle you showed,

The look you gave me.

Seeing you suffer,

Has made me see,

If I don’t fight harder,

You will be me.

She and Her...

My therapist set me a self characterisation task. This was so hard to do this week. I panicked that I was doing it wrong, that I wasn't writing the right things and that sums it all up! I'm not sure what Ms. W will make of it, or what it says about me, but after the week I've had, I am pretty sure I have a long way to go in changing some on my destructive and dysfunctional beliefs....


"She is a complex character with a lot to say. She’s not afraid of speaking up about her opinion or voicing her complaints or comments when she wants to. Although, sometimes you have to sieve what she says for effect or to be contrary, from the bits she really feels or means honestly. Her likes and dislikes can change from day to day or hour to hour and it can sometimes be exhausting to keep up.

On the surface She seems driven and focused on achieving her ambitions and dreams but it is clear to those that know her that more often than not she is trying to convince herself that she knows which path she’d rather be on. This uncertainty in her own thoughts and ambitions can almost seems like she’s out to prove something to everyone around her and to herself.

One of her major struggles is her inability to live in the here and now and accept things for the way they are. She almost seems to live in the past, always dragging up old emotions, blaming herself for things that were sometimes not even her own wrong doing, without even realising she’s doing it. She blames herself for things that sometimes weren’t even her fault and convinces herself they were. If she isn’t playing old events and situations around in her head, she’s planning and worrying about the future. Worried about whether she is ever going to be able to reach her high goals of getting what she wants or whether she is going to mess it all up.

Her need for control is clear for us all to see and she even knows the extent of her desire herself. Al is fine and well until the control is taken away from her and then if that dreaded situation ever occurs, her mood can switch quickly. Her defences go up and her tone becomes less open and chatty and becomes more argumentative and defensive. It almost seems that the loss of control over a situation is too much for her to handle and the barriers go up to protect her weakness.

This can also be seen when she doubts the value of her opinions or if she or her work are criticised. It doesn’t stop there though, she joins in and her habit of being her worst critic comes into action. To those who don’t know her, this is more than likely to be perceived as an inability to take criticism on board, even if it is constructive. But it’s quite the opposite. If you get to really know her you’ll understand that it is because she is her biggest critic and tortures herself for not having done something perfectly in the first place.

Her chatty personality comes across as confident and bubbly on the surface when faced with social events but the internal monologue she is used to hearing paints a very different picture of her. She seems unable to stop comparing herself, physically and socially to anyone who comes into contact with, even her best friends and family. She can almost seem envious or jealous of those around her and her competitiveness ensures she can’t accept being the one no one else envies.

She might not be the prettiest the richest or the most ‘career’ successful of her friends, but she is also not the one with a husband, house or child. Most of the people around her can accept their ‘place’ in society and accept themselves, but not Sarah. She can’t accept any of it. It is almost as though she doesn’t feel good enough in any of these areas, never mind achieving her goals of being the one they envy.

At 26 years old, she has only recently realised the extent to which she has managed to keep up her internal conflict of control and self-doubt whilst portraying a driven, independent and confident women on the surface. It is only after unpeeling some of her layers that you realise that those moments of defensive comments or the times her mood switches or that day she snapped, were pockets of herself hate seeping to the surface in moments of weakness. They are the moments when you realise that she is not she strong as she seems"

Confessions from Ana #1

"I loved that you found a pro-ana site that hooked you in. It made my job that little bit easier."


love Ana x

Explanation from me:

This confessional moment is a big step for me. Since being in recovery I have almost felt 'guilty' (common guilt about everything again!) about how I still feel weak for getting absolutely hooked on a pro-ana forum.

In fact, I feel guilty for ever being considered the once holy accolade of 'thinspo' and for posting my food diaries, my tips and my pictures of my body wasting away...

I have saved my diaries from this time of my life - all of them. My forum journals and my pictures, my goals, my food diaries and when I am strong enough I will edit them and publish to illustrate the changes anorexia caused in my personality.

Despite this, I still have pangs of Guilt for being anti-pro-ana - like I am a fraud for hating the sites much - when I adored it so much, for so long. I have mixed feelings about the girls I know are still trapped there. I want them to escape....

I used to think I'd never get 'addicted' to anything like that. But it proves how Ana can change you, how she can make you weak and alter your ability to
make rational and informed decisions.

I need to join in and help raise awareness of these sites. The pro-ana twitters, the advocates of Ana. If they got me... I dread to think how they could destroy others lives.

Guilt vs Guilt

Ana’s guilt for choosing to recover or the guilt I feel for not ‘wanting to recover’ enough when I don’t meet my calories. I am not sure which is worse sometimes. 

The guilt of not gaining and having to tell people I've not done well. The guilty little kicks Ana gets from maintaining or losing. 

I feel both, it depends what time it is, or what I have eaten or what I am a going to eat. 

Defining Recovery: The 'Official' Bit...

So, after writing down how I would define recovery, what I will feel when I am recovered and all of the things that will be different when 'Ana' has vanished, I wondered  how recovery is defined clincally. What will 'Team Recovery' want to see before they agree I am recovered?

Then I came across this on FEAST website...and I realised how far I have to go to tick all these little boxes - They are 25 keys to kicking Ana aren't they really?

SIGNS OF RECOVERY

Published by Cris Haltom in the EATING DISORDER SURVIVAL GUIDE, May 25, 2006

1. Eating occurs at regular intervals and is guided primarily by physical rather than emotional hunger.
2. Metabolic rate, if measured, is restored and maintained at a healthful level.
3. The ability to recognize and respond to hunger as a guide for eating appropriately has returned.
4. Weight for height based on age and gender is restored to a healthful range.
5. For females, menstruation is achieved or restored and maintained without oral contraceptives.
6. Skin health, dental health,thermoregulation, hair growth, and digestion/ absorption functions are restored to normal. - I can't wait! 
7. Healthy body composition (lean body mass and body fat) is restored and maintained.
8. Caloric and nutrient intake is appropriate for maintaining a healthy weight and body composition. - 2000? Maybe one day.....
9. Purging behavior, e.g., self-induced vomiting and laxative or enema use, is absent.
10. Use of diet pills or appetite suppressants is absent.
11. Excessive exercise is absent.
12. Binge eating behavior is absent or rare.
13. The ability to tolerate a wide variety of foods so that a good balance of high- quality protein, carbohydrates, fatty acids, minerals, and vitamins is maintained.
14. The ability to tolerate natural shifts in weight (one to several pounds) related to such factors such as hydration changes, illness, and season of the year.
15. The ability to tolerate 'spontaneous' natural eating - especially out in public. - This is going to be my stumbling block - I can feel that No15 will be the last ticked off.
16. Weight gain does not deter from eating well.
17. Acceptance of genetically-determined body type, size and shape.
18. The percentage of waking hours spent obsessing about weight, food, and/or body image is reduced to 15% or less. - Only 85% to go ehy?
19. The ability to effectively cope with problems in ways other than through disordered eating behaviors.
20. After physical health is restored, the ability to understand and resolve, other than through disordered eating, the issues underlying and driving disordered eating.
21. The ability to recognize signs of relapse and to seek appropriate help if relapse occurs.
22. Triggers for relapse thinking or behaviors can be identified.
23. The family as a whole has moved beyond food and weight preoccupation.
24. The family as a whole is able to identify, explore, and cope with normal adolescent issues.
25. The family as a whole has created a healthy culture around food and regular meals.