15 December 2014

Fixing Frustrations

I just hate my body, but what I hate that it's so frustrating too.  By 'it' I mean me.

That's frustration with the physical skin I'm living in and frustration with myself that I can't seem to shake of the thoughts. 

Not only that, there's the frustration that I know losing weight wouldn't make it go away - and frustration that I'm endlessly searching for a 'fix' that I know will never find. But still have a glimmer of hope that I could.

I feel like I have no answer or clue how to shake the frustration. And that's frustrating itself. 

I get frustrated with food too. With the freedom to eat. I don't like it. It feels like food controls me more when I eat freely these days. I feel like it's sneaky and greedy and it means I have to fight the next level or not exercising it off. 

It's also extremely frustrating that none of this bothers me enough for it to be a major problem. It's not enough to force me to give up the freedom recovery has given me.

But it is frustrating enough to make little changes and plans. Enough for me to pray I'm 'strong' enough not to 'give in' to cake and chocolate in the run up to Christmas, 'strong' enough to make myself more active and strong enough to fire up my jealousy of other people.

Those other people are those in recovery who seem from the outside to have balance - health and are skinnier than me and seemingly sorted. But also those without eating disordered pasts that don't understand the limbo between fully recovered and fully consumed by anorexia. 

It's all frustratingly unfixable. And I don't even have the answers to fixing those frustrations, let alone the answers to what I want fixing. 

No comments :

Post a Comment