Washing off the stains of anorexia

Frustration, anger, entrapment and guilt. The stains of imperfection remain and I wish they'd scrub off and I'd scrub up.

Unless you're also in recovery from anorexia, I'm sure those words don't automatically get linked to your body. They're probably not the feelings heightened during a Sunday morning shower after a lie in either, But for me, they are.

Every lump, bump and bulge was staring me in the face during my shower this morning. Every single imperfection screaming at me as I stood there, trying to wash off the thoughts and feelings. They've stained my skin, even as they fade. They are still there, and expanding. 

But I'm left feeling totally powerless to change my body, because over the past three years in treatment I know losing weight isn't a real solution. But what is? Is there one? 

I can reel off the textbook therapy answers, that fixing my body, addressing my faults, banishing the fat I see everywhere doesn't fix the mind. Won't ever wash the stain on my brain. 

But when the mind is still looking for a fix. It's hard to not feel frustrated, especially when my bare skin is staring back at me. I'm angry at being in this skin.

Frustrated that I can't fix me. Frustrated that I don't exercise. Frustrated that other people with and without anorexia are fitter, thinner and healthier than me. Frustrated that I feel like I am always going to be less than good enough.

That's where feeling trapped comes in. I feel that frustration which feeds the anger and guilt. But I'm also aware of the motivation, the reality, what other people would say to me. If I make myself feel better in the short term, by agreeing with anorexia, long term, these four emotions trap me more. They'd kill me. 

But then there is the guilt. The guilt for the gains, the guilt for the greed, the guilt for not dedicating more time and energy into channelling the 'willpower' that anorexia still tries to convince me made it all better. Recalling conversations, meals, calories and cakes. Yes, I can only blame myself. It's my fault I am feeling like this at all.

I know better than that. I know it's lies. I know it isn't a real, long lasting and peaceful solution. But in the shower, alone, naked, it's still so raw and real. I still hate being in this skin. I still want a solution. I still want to be better. I still wish I could control the flesh I now know I can't. 

The LIVE (+Recover) Leg

Something is happening at the moment. I've gathered some pace. Something has clicked which is helping me let go and push on through these final stages of this journey. Let me fill you in, probably easiest by using the very title of my blog. 

Firstly, I DREAM of fully recovering from anorexia, I always have. I dream of trusting myself and others, I dream of having confidence in myself (and in my failures), I dream of being at peace with my body and life. I dream of winning. I still dream of all this, and more. 

Then if we look at RECOVER. That's been the aim since August 2011, the goal of the past three years. I've learnt to RECOVER in my own way, with my own team and at my own pace. It's still the goal. To recover, means to be a healthy adult BMI. To recover is to menstruate and have a fully-functioning liver. The latter two are still work in progress. To recover is to eat mindfully, normally and with out anxiety. I will come back to this one. I also want to TALK about recovery less, and speak to fewer people with EDs or recovering. 

and to LIVE. I think this is what I've been doing recently. And having spent the past three years in the RECOVER zone, this move to LIVE (+recover) makes me feel uncomfortable at times. Unsettled and uneasy too. It's like my new found ability to NOT have a meal plan, to NOT feel the need to write my food down, my ability to EAT OUT without as much anxiety. The reduction in dependence on my EDU team, the fewer hours spent thinking about anorexia or recovery. Or just my ability to COPE with being more social, working or talking - and living- is making me feel on edge. 

It's a strange sensation after such a tunnel-vision life for so long - you know, to be living not existing. It doesn't feel like me. But more than once in recent weeks I've been alone and thought - 'What the FUCK am I doing holding on to anorexia?' - out of nowhere thought, hell, Sarah. get out of this RECOVER trap and LIVE. Now. 

As you can imagine if you also have anorexia, these bursts of positivity towards recovering (and yes, I mean towards full weight restoration too) scare the hell out of me as well. I pull on the brakes and shout WAIT. There is a lot of doubt, why, how, why now, is this okay? What am I going on too?

I can't say I trust myself, I can't say I like or accept my body. I don't really feel good enough. Everyone else seems that little bit better than me. I am not sure where I stand with exercise or the drive to win/achieve/burn or race - or who (and what) drives those urges. I am still unsure and doubtful of my future 'peace prospects' and I am skill struggling to 'think' and act' out of some of my comfort zones. I really do need to work on some of the underlying layers some more. 

But one thing I do know, is I have shifted from RECOVER (+ Live) to the final leg of this journey and I am safely in the LIVE (+Recover) zone and I am not looking back. As I pour a cocktail of life, I think I'll take a slice of recovery to  add to this living beverage, thank you.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy...

So, I maybe drifting, I'm not really sure what I am doing any more, why put in all this effort and why hold on? For What? Dr B. read this to me during my session this morning, it made me cry and I've been left thinking about it....

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, 

The chance to draw back.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), 

There is one elementary truth, 

The ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: 

That the moment one definitely commits oneself, 

Then Providence moves too. 

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. 

A whole stream of events issues from the decision, 

Raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents,

And meetings and material assistance, 

Which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. 

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, 

Begin it. 

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. 

Begin it now.”

Until we TRULY commit to recovery, until we TRULY commit to freedom, peace, to MORE we never TRULY know what we are capable of. But to what and to whom am I committed? 

That's what I need to figure out now. To stop the wandering and drifting. 

I'm committed to recovery, committed to going to clinic, but WHAT am I committed to achieving, what am I trying to do, where am I going and who will I be? Do I need to have more boldness. To let go of EVERYTHING? I think I know the answer, and I guess you do too....