Neither a devout anorexic or without anorexia

If only all the things I make myself do in life outside of my own recovery were enough to fix me. If only they were pure, without corruption from anorexia. 

Trouble is, they're not. They help, gosh, they help. But they're not enough. It's only me that can do that, with HARD work on MY recovery. 

I know I just make myself and do more, which is great, it's rebuilding life I lost to this illness, but half of it is because I do not feel like my life is full enough. That makes me feel rubbish. 

I have learnt ways of coping and managing with anorexia and ignore the feelings that stem from all the 'core beliefs' I haven't dealt with yet, you know the ones I mean, they're the beliefs I REALLY struggle with. 

The feelings and beliefs still tying me to anorexia. 

Being super-busy with work and campaigning has been a welcome to distraction for the past couple of months. I love being busy, it's great. But here come the reality check. 

I'm NOT recovered.

I know now I could probably keep on managing and coping, forever, but by doing this, it means I have to keep anorexia's shackles tied to my ankles, forever. Side of my stage, waiting for me to falter. It's somehow worse, because it's more subtle, people don't notice or panic about me any more because anorexia's left my 'spotlight' again, but she's still here.

Plus the comparison, the jealousy and the feelings I get with being with other people (eating disordered or normal) is not getting easier. I know I shouldn't let myself get caught in the comparison trap, but that is also easier said than done. Right?

The reason that this isn't recovered or an acceptable level of recovery (to me) is that the inner monologue from anorexia, the whisper, still drives me mad. Mainly because positives always end up being negatives. 

I know that distracting myself with 'things' makes life seem much better and makes me feel more positive, which is welcomed, but it always ends up conflicted with the beliefs that I still believe. 

Everything I do is still tarnished by the doubt, fear and negativity of anorexia. 

I feel the meal plan compensations are necessary, I eat, but I carry around the guilt of going against what anorexia would prefer me to do. I do things, but not spontaneously. I can switch my meal plan around, but hearing anorexia means ill always have guilt or over-thinking attached to them if I do not completely side with anorexia. I have no drive to lose weight, but no motivation to gain either. Dare I say it, anorexia still feels fake and that just gets worse the more I cope with life. 

And overcoming these issues won't happen by distracting myself.

It's exhausting balancing it all, there are still lies. I still hide. There are the whispers from other people who are scared to tell me what they REALLY think. There are the therapists that still worry, there are the scales they still use, the charts with undesirable trends and the unhappy organs inside. 

However much I distract myself, however fake I feel, however much I think I am not anorexic or convince myself I am doing what I want. Honestly, I'm not, because anorexia's shackles are still tugging at my ankles. 

Deep down, I know I still follow her rules. Even if not devout in practice these days, they're part of my mantra and I dip in and out, too often. 

Brain roadworks in process, expect delays.

WARNING: Interruptions may occur and overload could cause delays. 

I'm trusting Dr B right now, that having arguments and fighting back is what I need to do to rewire roads my anorexic brain, into a noggin sans eating disorder-skewed thinking.

So, when I tell myself I'm fat, I need to create a 'I am not fat' pathway. When I want to go for a run because I feel lazy, I need to tell myself I am not lazy and need to rest. When I feel ugly, I need to tell myself I am not. When I panic I'm not good enough at work, I need to remind myself I am constantly learning and evolving. When I feel greedy, I need to argue that I'm not. And so on...

But I agree, I am those things, they are real and true to me. I instinctively feel should be responding to those thoughts. But I also know from my science lessons (therapy!) that I shouldn't be acting on them. But they seem such logical routes to me? To fix me, to get me where I need to be. Perfect, maybe.  

This rewiring process is sort of what makes recovery possible, it's creating new pathways for thoughts. It's altering the way all the brains buzzy bits, do their buzzing It's all a bit science-y, but I sort of get the idea, they're like old worn pathways.

I think It's like being adamant that you know a short cut to somewhere, until someone comes along and tells you another way is much better. At first, you think 'no way' you are positive you know the best route. It's only when you TRY it you realise they might be right. It takes some getting used to and a few journeys to feel comfortable, but after a while you learn to accept the new route is much more effective. 

However, take a lifetime of well trodden paths of negative self-talk that are SO easy to take and SO often used and try convincing me to take new ones. THANKS but no thanks - but I KNOW I need to take them. 

Right now, there are so many arguments I let happen with out challenging a new way, there are so many thoughts that need sending in a new direction and I don't. Add to that a sort of pick-and-mix culture I've dug myself into a hole with and it leads me up another dead end, with no progress. 

I won't get into the arguments I am winning and losing, but let's just say I have so many paths to check out that I've sort of just paused at a crossroads.

The problem is, I've been at the same crossroads with my thinking (even if I haven't been acting on all of anorexia's commands) for the last 12 months, same weight, same old arguments, same issues. I have pushed on in some ways, but the new thought paths haven't taken shape. 

I know anorexia's catching me up, sneaking up behind me, I can hear her. Even if I don't do what she says, it gets harder to ignore. I need to chose a pathway she doesn't know, but I've got so much going on, I don't know which way to run. 

Ps. I'm not as good at map reading as I let on sometimes. I need to take a look at this before getting lost and recovery doesn't have a personal satnav to help, just advice from people who walked the path before.

Mindfulness, balloons and tangled thoughts

I've always struggled with mindfulness therapies, often finding it hard to 'switch off' and 'be present'. In the past it's almost been like mindfulness makes it worse. It's sometimes opened up a gap for Ana to creep in. Even convincing me I'm not good enough at mindfulness. 

But one of Dr B's approaches is a little bit different. It's called 'mindful inquiry' (he uses a technique called 'The Work' by an American woman Byron Katie) and I'm finding it useful in untangling thoughts and beliefs I've held on to for a VERY long time. 

I like it because it makes me REALLY think about the recordings on my inner mixtape. The broken record making me ill. Are these thoughts REALLY true? Can I prove it? Like REALLY prove it?

I actually feel like it's slowly combing out my tangled thinking.

So, in therapy this week we were talking about a specific belief that causes me a lot of pain and something central to me developing anorexia. It's a belief I've always carried with me for as long as I can recall. One that's become tangled up in so many areas of my life. One I've accepted as truth. 

Okay, so I admit, I am guilty of taking thoughts and making them my truth. Holding on to them, tightly, especially if they prove my own theory that 'I'm not good enough' (at anything) As Mrs W used to say, despite all evidence to the contrary 'all roads lead to Rome' with my thoughts. 

But what if all these thoughts were just balloons? 

I wasn't born holding any balloons, well, at least I presume I wasn't. 

So somewhere along the line I've caught hold of these 'thought balloons' and held on to them. I've felt like I needed them, even when people have suggested they're not a good idea. I know where a few of the balloons have come from, but others, I don't have a clue. 

We all have so many balloons float past our heads, every second of every day. Everyone does, but they only stick with us if we hold on to the string.

I've been holding on to some of my balloons for so long, adding more, trying to let go of others. They've become tangled, tied tightly around my wrist.

The thoughts began to control me, carry me along, whisking me away. 

People have been shouting LET GO for years. 

But it's not that easy. Even if I try letting go of one, it's knotted with another. I know I need to untangle them first. 

That's what I feel therapy is doing for me. It's helping me untie the strings from my wrists, so that I CAN let go of the balloons controlling me and the direction I go. 

After all, I can't fully enjoy life holding on to all these balloons. 

Maybe this makes no sense to anyone else BUT me, but I know my balloons are labelled with 'Not Good Enough' 'You're Fat' 'You could have done better' 'You're not healthy enough' 'You could be fitter' 'You're not as thin as them' 'You're greedy' and so the list goes on... But they're all thoughts that aren't much fun to carry around any more. Trust me.

What Dr. B and Byron Katie's 'Mindful Inquiry' is helping ME do, is identify the balloons I really need to cut from my wrists and questioning how helpful they are and where I picked them up from in the first place. 

I've then got to be brave enough to let go and hope they whisk Ana off instead. Hope she'll chase after the balloons, instead of me. But It's only me that can release them.

It's also building the reassurance that even if these balloon float near by, because I'm now aware of them, I can choose to grab hold, but trust me, I'm done with these balloons, especially if they bring Ana back with them.

NOTES:
Byron Katie's book 'Loving What Is' is helping me alongside the work I'm doing with Dr. B. You can get it on Kindle or order from Amazon if you fancy trying it too. Like I said, I've struggled with mindfulness before, but this makes sense to me. She's also on Twitter @ByronKatie

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy...

So, I maybe drifting, I'm not really sure what I am doing any more, why put in all this effort and why hold on? For What? Dr B. read this to me during my session this morning, it made me cry and I've been left thinking about it....

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, 

The chance to draw back.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), 

There is one elementary truth, 

The ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: 

That the moment one definitely commits oneself, 

Then Providence moves too. 

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. 

A whole stream of events issues from the decision, 

Raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents,

And meetings and material assistance, 

Which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. 

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, 

Begin it. 

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. 

Begin it now.”

Until we TRULY commit to recovery, until we TRULY commit to freedom, peace, to MORE we never TRULY know what we are capable of. But to what and to whom am I committed? 

That's what I need to figure out now. To stop the wandering and drifting. 

I'm committed to recovery, committed to going to clinic, but WHAT am I committed to achieving, what am I trying to do, where am I going and who will I be? Do I need to have more boldness. To let go of EVERYTHING? I think I know the answer, and I guess you do too....

A picture speaks a thousand words...

..but it doesn't tell you what's going on behind the eyes

and those words could very well be lies.

So before you see what you think you see,

Close your eyes and listen to me. 

I did promise myself I would stop looking back, stop being overly reminiscent, dragging up the past. I promise, I'm slowly learning there is no need. There is only a need to look (and move) forward in recovery. 

However, when talking about 'goal weights' and goals in general I needed to take a look back and think about times when I have perhaps been 'happier' with my body, my weight, myself. Cue plugging in my external hard drive and opening up a folder in Pictures labelled - Ana & Me. 

It's not a folder I wanted to open this early in my recovery, it's full of weight loss pictures, thinspro, pictures of food (lack of food) and my old journals. It could have been a trigger, it could have pushed me back to her life, rules and made me go backwards. 

The reason to this crazy behaviour was something Mrs W and I spoke about last week. How would I feel about setting my old UGW as my target for restoration now? Would it feel different now I am not on a one-track mission to create 'Anorexia's perfect body' would it be the ultimate kick in the bitches teeth to make that my first recovery goal? (Yes, I still need to restore to G1)

Well, I opened up the folder 'UGW Reached' and you know what my first reaction was? Oh, I look really fat. FAT, yes, FAT. I looked straight at my stomach, my thighs, my sides. (N.B my weight plummeted past my original UGW earlier in the summer) No, that weight wouldn't make me happy. I hate that picture. I hate all these pictures. Every picture documenting my fight with AN, every new bone showing, every pound lost, every half pound loss. A set of pictures illustrating my spiralling mental health, the shut down of my life and my pain. But I can't stop looking and looking and looking.

I had to snap out of it, close the folder and rethink this idea... 

The next thing I did was look at old pictures, of happy times, from uni, from London, pictures of times when my mind told me I was fat, but I was happy enough in other areas of my life to tell Ana to zip it and leave me alone. Cue another set of emotions... 

On the outside I look happy, I am smiling, I am with friends, I am even eating cake and sweets and chips in some, but this is what I mean. These pictures hurt EVEN more than the 'Ana and Me' ones, because I don't look back and think of the fun, I look back and see FAT. I see the pain behind my eyes, I see my imperfections and I see all the things I used as ammunition to allow my fall to Ana. 

I saw one photo this morning and had to burn it. It was horrific and the abuse my ED launched at my when I saw it hurt. Instead of seeing me at my nieces 2nd birthday, I saw fat, I saw hippo, I wondered why noone told me to lose weight, I wondered how the guy I was seeing at the time EVER found me attractive. I hated it. So I burned it. 

So, there isn't get a conclusion to this, I don't know how I feel or how much a photograph really proves about happiness, I think it might even say less than the scales, in my eyes at least.

I just need to stop looking back at photo's and memories at the moment. Maybe I'll open up (and burn) more when the time feels right.