Mindfulness, balloons and tangled thoughts

I've always struggled with mindfulness therapies, often finding it hard to 'switch off' and 'be present'. In the past it's almost been like mindfulness makes it worse. It's sometimes opened up a gap for Ana to creep in. Even convincing me I'm not good enough at mindfulness. 

But one of Dr B's approaches is a little bit different. It's called 'mindful inquiry' (he uses a technique called 'The Work' by an American woman Byron Katie) and I'm finding it useful in untangling thoughts and beliefs I've held on to for a VERY long time. 

I like it because it makes me REALLY think about the recordings on my inner mixtape. The broken record making me ill. Are these thoughts REALLY true? Can I prove it? Like REALLY prove it?

I actually feel like it's slowly combing out my tangled thinking.

So, in therapy this week we were talking about a specific belief that causes me a lot of pain and something central to me developing anorexia. It's a belief I've always carried with me for as long as I can recall. One that's become tangled up in so many areas of my life. One I've accepted as truth. 

Okay, so I admit, I am guilty of taking thoughts and making them my truth. Holding on to them, tightly, especially if they prove my own theory that 'I'm not good enough' (at anything) As Mrs W used to say, despite all evidence to the contrary 'all roads lead to Rome' with my thoughts. 

But what if all these thoughts were just balloons? 

I wasn't born holding any balloons, well, at least I presume I wasn't. 

So somewhere along the line I've caught hold of these 'thought balloons' and held on to them. I've felt like I needed them, even when people have suggested they're not a good idea. I know where a few of the balloons have come from, but others, I don't have a clue. 

We all have so many balloons float past our heads, every second of every day. Everyone does, but they only stick with us if we hold on to the string.

I've been holding on to some of my balloons for so long, adding more, trying to let go of others. They've become tangled, tied tightly around my wrist.

The thoughts began to control me, carry me along, whisking me away. 

People have been shouting LET GO for years. 

But it's not that easy. Even if I try letting go of one, it's knotted with another. I know I need to untangle them first. 

That's what I feel therapy is doing for me. It's helping me untie the strings from my wrists, so that I CAN let go of the balloons controlling me and the direction I go. 

After all, I can't fully enjoy life holding on to all these balloons. 

Maybe this makes no sense to anyone else BUT me, but I know my balloons are labelled with 'Not Good Enough' 'You're Fat' 'You could have done better' 'You're not healthy enough' 'You could be fitter' 'You're not as thin as them' 'You're greedy' and so the list goes on... But they're all thoughts that aren't much fun to carry around any more. Trust me.

What Dr. B and Byron Katie's 'Mindful Inquiry' is helping ME do, is identify the balloons I really need to cut from my wrists and questioning how helpful they are and where I picked them up from in the first place. 

I've then got to be brave enough to let go and hope they whisk Ana off instead. Hope she'll chase after the balloons, instead of me. But It's only me that can release them.

It's also building the reassurance that even if these balloon float near by, because I'm now aware of them, I can choose to grab hold, but trust me, I'm done with these balloons, especially if they bring Ana back with them.

NOTES:
Byron Katie's book 'Loving What Is' is helping me alongside the work I'm doing with Dr. B. You can get it on Kindle or order from Amazon if you fancy trying it too. Like I said, I've struggled with mindfulness before, but this makes sense to me. She's also on Twitter @ByronKatie

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy...

So, I maybe drifting, I'm not really sure what I am doing any more, why put in all this effort and why hold on? For What? Dr B. read this to me during my session this morning, it made me cry and I've been left thinking about it....

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, 

The chance to draw back.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), 

There is one elementary truth, 

The ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: 

That the moment one definitely commits oneself, 

Then Providence moves too. 

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. 

A whole stream of events issues from the decision, 

Raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents,

And meetings and material assistance, 

Which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. 

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, 

Begin it. 

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. 

Begin it now.”

Until we TRULY commit to recovery, until we TRULY commit to freedom, peace, to MORE we never TRULY know what we are capable of. But to what and to whom am I committed? 

That's what I need to figure out now. To stop the wandering and drifting. 

I'm committed to recovery, committed to going to clinic, but WHAT am I committed to achieving, what am I trying to do, where am I going and who will I be? Do I need to have more boldness. To let go of EVERYTHING? I think I know the answer, and I guess you do too....

Let Go.

"Letting go gives us freedom

and freedom is the only condition for 

happiness." 

Thich Nhat Hanh

Yes, I need to LET GO.