It's not you, it's me.

Follow, unfollow, friend request, unfriend, text, ignore, visit, walk away... all things throughout my recovery I've done over and over again. I'm still not sure where I stand on it either. I'm unclear on what is helpful and what holds me back. But I'm starting to figure it out, finally. 

Yes, I'm talking about being friends and surrounding myself with people 'who get me', who 'understand how it feels', who know instantly who or what 'Ana' is and why I still stress over a pick and mix. But really, I keep asking myself just HOW helpful it is to be 'friends' with other people in recovery.

It'a a similar situation as when I used pro-anorexia websites, they got me too. We were there same and they were my 'friends' who understood me, for a while (when I'd lost the plot). It may have been more toxic than talking to people in recovery, but sometimes it's too close for comfort.

The theory is, that as a group we can almost normalise the real abnormal - do non-eating disordered people really write the word **trigger warning** or live in fear of letting their weight or BMI slip out in conversation. Do they really ask 'are you okay hun, I saw you ate more potato'. The answer is No. If I am aiming for non-eating disordered life, surely talking to those with EDs more than others is unhelpful?

I'm guilty of craving the understanding and those conversations now and again, I just want to indulge in purging all the eating disordered craziness I'm dealing with to someone who 'gets' it', but really, how helpful is it to maintain these relationships? Is maintaining them, keeping me in my illness? Yes, I think it is.

Don't get me wrong 'breaking up' isn't easy, you do share a lot with 'recovery buddies' but sometimes on my account it's about approval and acceptance, I want to 'check in' with people and see that I am doing okay, comparatively. But here is the problem. It's NEVER going to be healthy for me to compare to anyone, let alone someone else living with, recovering from or who's beaten an eating disorder. 

Of course, some people I've met during my recovery are now some of my closest friends. They are the ones I usually rant with, they are the ones who know my weight and I don't care that they know it. I know their weight and it doesn't matter. I trust them - because we've shared a bed, hour-long phone calls, spa days and meals out where we've both gone 'fuck, this is normal'. But there were people in the past that I thought were the same, but turned out to be toxic to me and my recovery. I had to let them go as well.

Yes, they left a hole and I craved their 'friendship' for a while afterwards, but at the end of the day, my recovery is about me, and this is the classic cliché of 'it's not you, it's me' and we all need to be selfish on these journeys and in all honesty, I miss my life-long friends who I pushed away for the the understanding from 'recovery buddies.' I prefer days spent with colleagues and friends - not THINKING let alone talking about anorexia. It's not always about the eating disorder now, it's about living. 

Sometimes clichés DO have a place and I am starting to think (again) in recovery, they really do. 

False promises, empty words and little lies

False promises, empty words and little lies, the very nature of anorexia means that whether we like it or not, recovery is littered with them. 

It's probably what I hated most when I was ill, repeatedly lying to friends, family, boyfriends, colleagues and even the women behind the counter at the pharmacy. It became totally normal and acceptable to lie about anything and everything to do with (lack of) food and (too much) exercise. I despise lying.

But I liked it too. It made me feel like I had a 'special secret', the 'key' to happiness. It was mine and the secrecy kept it that way. It's what makes anorexia so damn dangerous. You end up lying to yourself about the illness itself.

Recovery is no different, but oh-so very different at the same time. 

I'm no longer whisked away on the fluffy clouds of denial that Ana convinced me was her happiness, so life is real, recovery is real and the false promises and lies are real. And I know it. 

"I'm going to hit my calorie targets" - Yeah right. Tomorrow? 

"I haven't restricted on my meal plan at all" - Really?

"I don't weigh myself any more." - Puts scales back under the bed 

"I don't LIKE chocolate/butter/cakes/crisps" - But REALLY I do

"I've rested and not exercised today" - Takes off trainers**

They just roll off the tongue don't they? Let's be honest, far too easily sometimes.

It doesn't mean we haven't got the best intentions, it doesn't mean we haven't got our sights set on fully beating our eating disorders. It doesn't mean I don't want full recovery and freedom from anorexia. 

But WHY do some of the false promises and empty words continue this far into recovery? 

I hate that I do it. I hate how some times I still make promises and with the best will in the world, I have no intention of doing them. But there's still something addictive or attractive about saying one thing and doing the other. 

The empty words, like 'I'm okay' or the other auto-pilot reposes I've developed in recovery just roll off the tongue. It's easier than explaining sometimes, but it's the lies I don't like. 

I continue to tell people there are foods 'Sarah doesn't like' when really it's Ana who doesn't like Sarah liking them. There are still days when I exercise and don't make up the calories. There are snacks and meals I know how to 'cut corners' that no one will pull me up on, so why not try?

The only explanation I can pin down is that it's Ana keeping her claws in my side, keeping her foot in the door, refusing to release the final rope from around my hands and tape from my mouth. 

It's so easy to let the white lies slip through the net by not speaking at all. I'd call them 'her' lies, but I think in recovery WE need to take responsibility for them, not lay all the blame on our disorders. That's the easy option, but it's easy because it means the eating disorder's won. 

Lying our way through recovery WON'T lead to 'RECOVERED'. I am aware of this. But why does it get to me so much when I know other people still lie for their eating disorder? I do it too.

I guess friendships with other eating disordered (or recovered) people are always going to have a certain level of secrecy aren't they? We don't mention weights or reveal all our food rituals or old anorexic habits and BMI is often a no-go subject. 

Or maybe it's just me being me, competitive and comparing. 

But in sickness and in health. In anorexic terms and in recovery. 

I want to be the 'most recovered' and an 'inspiration' but I have this weird jealousy of people who are still counting every calorie and 'giving in to anorexia too. As recovery has gone on and as I've moved away from anorexia, it's less about the latter, I'm aware it's not helpful.

But I still spend far too much time working out if people with eating disorders are lying to me or speaking empty words and firing off false promises.

Maybe I just need to stop thinking about what they're thinking and start considering if it is me who still needs to fill my words a little more. 

We're only ever lying to ourselves and that's never going to hurt anyone but ourselves. 

**NB. I don't weigh myself, use a calorie counting app. The others are still debatable 

VBDs are the new NBDs...

Right, I need to sort it out. It’s been FAR too easy to accept these ‘no big deal’ slips over the last few days. It’s NOT okay that I avoided the Starbucks coffee, not acceptable that I knew I was able to pull the wool over my friend's eyes because she didn’t know the difference in my head between a Costa coffee and a Starbucks (Yes, the difference is 50 calories!) It is also not okay that I didn’t have a 200+ calorie cereal bar for a snack, when I know too well that my dietician and I discussed that it HAD to be over 200. It’s definitely NOT okay that I skipped supper last night either.

Ana was super quick to get in there and I know it.Truth be told, it totally made me feel better after all the stress of the family, the bloated and fat feeling was squished a little. I let her ‘soothe’ my anxiety like a fool. I fell back to her for that little bit of support because my Mum was in bed and I knew I could. 

I am disappointed. It is such a snowball effect from keeping close company with Ana this week, not full on company, not isolating or destructive company, but 'just enough' to snowball. 

The little ‘no big deals’ add up. Like weighing my food and counting and skipping higher-calorie options, like walking too much, like keeping more active then I am meant to, like putting one less spoon of porridge in my bowl...no biggy right?

It frustrates me how easy it is to let her soothe all those worries away sometimes though. I give her little bits of control here and there and she finds ways to get under my skin and tally up the ‘no big deals’ It’s scary how she can help me pull the wool over some people’s eyes, use their lack of understanding and ignorance to her advantage. These 'no big deals' are the reason I have been so slow in starting any sort of weight restoration and why my liver has been in deterioration. So, they are big deals aren't they? 

I need to be stronger than this, I need to stop kidding myself that I am stronger than her and I need to remember that letting her soothe anxieties means I will be stuck with the bitch for A LOT longer, for an even more tedious and torturous journey.

I keep trying to keep reminding myself that I am going to feel like this feel fat and feel like my stomach looks huge and round and flabby at the moment as my body changes. As my body soaks up the nutrition and goodness I am putting back in it.  I am going to feel full. I am going to be hungry and stuff all at the same time. I am going to crave food or hate food. But I need to remember that  I WONT feel like this forever.

 I need to trust my team on that one because I still can’t see past the weight gains, the fat, and the upward numbers or past my body not being what I want. But more than anything right now, I need to remember that NO BIG DEALS ARE VERY BIG DEALS in recovery. I need to be honest and tell my team about ALL of these moment and put strategies in place to fight them. Everytime.

From now on any moments I find the urge to give in to Ana, those NO BIG DEAL moments have to be quickly transformed in to VERY BIG DEAL moments and I need to act there and then on the switch. Not afterwards, but in the moment.

Why Don't I Jump?

MAKE THE JUMP FOR GODS SAKE! 

The books and videos and blogs are right, the EATING IS THE HARDEST PART but it is the part that will make the difference to me right now. It is the difference between THINKING positively – this week has FELT positive in my head but I need to now make FEELING positive in to actually being POSITIVE. But this is going to mean REALLY facing my fears and jumping in.

This is so scary, but everything I have read and watched (both my Jenni Schaefer) has said the same thing, that it is the scariest bit, it is the hardest bit but I HAVE TO JUMP, TRUST MY PARACHUTE will open.

I have been thinking ‘strong’ all day and now it is 9pm and time to actually eat more I get scared and totally back out of it and talk myself out of adding to my calorie totals, convincing myself that 800 calories is fine. This is what I mean when I say I feel strong when I read about it, I know it’s in me to do it, to jump but in reality Ana keeps dragging me back and makes me feel weak. I keep saying I’ll wait till XX time or ‘I’ll do more tomorrow’ but this is Ana keeping me hanging until the next time I get on the scales. I know I need to be less scared of this.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do RIGHT now, why don’t I just jump. What am I ACTUALLY scared of? Why am I falling for her tricks? Why do I feel the need to give her the satisfaction of the number she says she’ll be happy with on Friday *this number used to be 14lbs heavier than I am now remember Sarah* Why do I want to make her stronger?

Because to RECOVER and to get me BACK I need to JUMP, right now the JUMP is supper tonight. It’s a small jump because I can’t see it taking me to 1200. But a small jump is better than sitting here making ANA stronger isn’t it?

I Miss......

I'm thinking a lot about London today and my old life and how I used to be. It’s not what I am meant to be doing, because yet again its dwelling on the past, but there is so much I miss right now.

I miss being able to pop to Oxford Street on wondering around, I miss random trips to the V&A museum and National Portrait Gallery, I miss being able to be happy about the most random things and ringing my mum about the funniest things I notice when I’m around London. In excitement about something happening on the South Bank. I miss earning money and spending it without feeling guilty. I miss going to Selfridges food hall to look for delicious treats and to spoil myself and friends and not counting the calories in jelly beans.

I miss wondering around Brent Cross and Westfield and dreaming about what I’d buy, but now I wonder round town wondering how many calories I burnt and what I am NOT going to eat. I miss the buzz of excitement I got when I realised I didn’t need to use a map to find my way around the underground. I miss how grown up I felt. I miss it being the norm to go to the pub on press night for a few Malibu’s and just order nuts and crisps with the boys, because I wanted them and it was a ritual! I miss how I was confident to walk to Kings Cross or hail a cab home at midnight. To my OWN home. I miss how I relied on NO ONE I could sort everything out myself, paid my rent, I brought my shopping, food I liked. I ruled my life.

I was INDEPENDENT. 

I had a career, I had my life and I had my friends. I didn’t mind going for days without speaking to my parents or months without coming home. I decided what I did and when I did it. I didn’t need to answer questions or feel guilty for not getting dressed on my days off and sitting around. I miss how exciting everything felt. I miss telling my parents things, rather than asking them. I miss having lots to talk about and to be proud of and even more I miss having things to look forward to. I miss randomly to gigs , finding new bands or wondering around Soho and China Town on a Saturday night.

Most of all I miss me. I miss my drive, my determination and my inability to accept second best. I miss my creativity, my excitement for art, architecture and design, for writing and for publishing. I miss my excitement for noticing little things around London, like finding Pudding Lane’ or buildings I had never noticed before and then my thirst to find out more about them.

During all these memories I know I enjoyed them, but I know I also felt I could be better, I could be skinnier, I could be more in control, I could be closer to perfect. I could have earned more, ate less, live in a nicer flat, have a better boyfriend. But I suppose I was so distracted by all these amazing things, and anorexia didn't have the upper hand that I could push these thoughts aside and get distracted by life and little amazing things. I distracted myself from myself to keep strong. 

“I might be fat, but I can go to Selfridges at Christmas and feel warm inside sipping a gingerbread latte (with cream) and being happy because I love shopping or I might not be perfect but I love to people watch and dream sitting in Starbucks with a good book” I was either busy enjoying or stressing about life and didn't give Ana chance to butt in too much, although she was there her thoughts did NOT CONSUME my life like now. I suppose the problem was always going to be when living like this caught up with me. This year it has. 

Ana has taken all this from me and given me noting in return, other than a stupid number on the scales and an unhealthy need for control. She hasn’t even given me the perfect body or the confidence she promised for all that time. She definitely hasn’t given me the ability to appreciate life or made me anymore likely to fall in love. She has managed to twist the once positive parts of my personality and made them in to her best weapons against me. I need to get these back. I need to use my determination, my control, my drive, in my favour not hers. I know I do.

If I am EVER going to have ANY independence ever again, if I am EVER going to live MY life again I need to. I want to feel excited again about stupid things, to relax, to be random and silly with friends without the inner monologue from Ana stopping me being me. I want to be independent again; I want to be able to ring my friends with good news, with exciting things to tell them and without having to feel like it’s an effort to concentrate on what they are saying. I don’t want to feel like I have to moan, but I do. I want to make plans to see friends without feeling like it’s an effort.

I think today I am starting to realise just how much of my life, my soul, my personality I have given to Ana in my quest to be perfect and fix everything with my weight and body, how much I have given to have this ‘control’ and how much I have sacrificed to be thin.

Truth is I have lost everything and that alone make me feel unarmed and weak and pathetic in this fight. How was I stupid enough to give all that up? For Ana? I need to find a way to get my weapons back to help fight Ana and get my life back. And to stop that bitch using my own strengths against me.

Yellow Eggs and Red Sauce

Sitting at breakfast this morning, E and K have scrambled egg on toast. The doorstep toast is warm and the butter is melting nicely, the eggs are scrambled perfectly and look like little egg clouds floating in the jug. The condiments are put in the centre of the breakfast bar, more butter, salt, pepper and tomato ketchup. 

Where's your red sauce? 

Tomato ketchup is delicious on scrambled egg (so I’m told!) as E drizzles the RED sauce on his breakfast; K adds salt to her eggs. “I WISH I could put RED sauce on my eggs, I could just eat that, I bet it’s really tasty” She says. So, on overhearing this, I ask “why don’t you then?” Pause. “Well its RED sauce on YELLOW egg isn’t it? If red and yellow go together I WON’T be able to eat it, I just COULDN'T!” Pause.

My Dad, E,  pushes and pushes for K to try adding RED sauce to YELLOW egg, trying to persuade her that it is (as she suspects) extremely tasty. “Go on, just put some on if you want it.” He suggests. Even sacrificing a slice of his own breakfast for the cause in an attempt for her to try the mixture. They both suspect that it would REALLY complete her breakfast. But it’s no good.  The yellow and red together thing is too much for her to handle. There is NOWAY, no matter HOW tasty it may be, or not matter how much she’d love to, that K will add RED sauce to YELLOW eggs.

This conversation was all too familiar to me. It’s usually me in the ‘Why CAN’T you JUST eat more of what you know will be tasty?” Why CAN’T I just eat more substantial meals, or have full-fat cheese or whole milk? Why can’t I have pasta two nights in a row or eat a slice of cake I’ve lovingly baked for everyone? It doesn’t even work when people sacrifice what I suspect is a yummy sweet, just so I could perhaps TRY it. Nope, it’s just too much sometimes.

It’s what it’s like for me. It’s not a choice, it’s not something I can ‘just do’ and in the same way that there is NOTHING physically stopping K putting tomato ketchup on her eggs, there is nothing PHYSICALLY stopping me eating more, stopping me eating high calorie foods, foods with a higher fat content. I have those foods there in front of me, ready and waiting.  I wish I could eat them, like K wishes she could put red sauce on yellow eggs, but it is a fear holding us back. It can seem irrational to those around us, that can’t understand WHY if you like the taste of something, if you WANT something that you CAN have, why don’t you just do it?  

It’s not even a case of not eating now, because I am eating and to me I am eating a lot. Almost five times more than in the grip of my anorexia, five times more calories, five times more food. I’m Five times BETTER than at my worst and better at battling the fears.  My calories are very nearly back to normal (okay, with the help of Fortisip) but I still can’t JUST EAT high-calorie foods, foods I have labelled ‘bad’ for most of my life and foods that I have fears around. I wish I could help people understand that I have this fear, this barrier, and this power stopping me with EVERY bite. 

The foods I have now re-introduced in to my diet were once dangled in front of me, teasing me, but I just couldn’t eat them. Every bite of food I now eat was once K’s red sauce and yellow yolk situation, each one I now eat required me to face my fear front on and put it in my mouth. Each food I still won’t touch is going to require me to be brave enough to just face it and eat it. Each time E and K see me eat something new, something on my ‘bad’ and ‘fear food’ list, they need to remember it’s like K facing her fear head on and adding the sauce to her breakfast, which today, she didn't. I was just too much. 

Too much to handle 

Yes, to other people my fears probably seem ‘irrational’ - food is, so I'm told, to be enjoyed. It's the same way I can’t understand why red sauce can’t be put on yellow egg yolks. 

When I attempted to explain this concept this morning I was greeted with ‘Yes, but, at least I am eating.” Au contraire, dearest K, you’re not. You are denying yourself the red sauce on your eggs, despite knowing it’ll be tasty. It maybe be on a different scale. But the concept is the same! Right? Well, apparently not.

But when K says she CAN’T put it on her eggs, despite really wanting to, I am able to apply my fears of gaining weight, of food and of fat and understand that when she says she CAN’T enjoy ketchup on eggs, she just CAN’T at that point in time. Not only that, she can’t explain WHY she can’t. And so she goes without something she KNOWS she would enjoy, and the eggs go without the sauce.

It’s exactly the same concept. Why can I see it and they can’t? 

Needs, Should and Don't

A few things I need to take from today's session and use to keep focused and why recovery is worth it.

I don't need to pretend I am okay
I don't need to pretend that it's easy.
I can't ignore that it's there
I can't ignore that it's not an issue
I shouldn't ignore these thoughts
I shouldn't forget about mistakes
I need ackknowledge my achievements
I need to live for now.

Be mindful and focused on RECOVERY.

A recovery that DOESN'T need to BE PERFECT
A recovery that IS NOT going to be LINEAR
A recovery that is UNIQUE to ME
A recovery that needs FOCUS and DRIVE
A recovery which needs PERSEVERANCE and PATIENCE

As long as I am still going in the right direction, it's okay
As long as I make little changes, it's okay
As long as I am becoming more aware, it's okay

Recovery is HARD, WORTH IT and POSSIBLE.

Talking to Ana

A conversation between Ana and me this morning…

Following an argument with my younger sister and knock on argument with my parents, this is the way the Ana and I sorted this whole thing out. I am going to start doing this more often so I can work out how to shut her up, once and for all...this is a technique used by Jenni Schaefer in her book, and I think it really does help me further separate my thoughts from my eating disordered thoughts.

Ana: Don’t eat your breakfast. They don’t care about you and you don’t need this breakfast now. You didn’t want it anyway did you? I will make you feel better if you don’t eat it.

Me: You’re right, I hate this breakfast. I don’t deserve to eat it anyway, what’s the point?

Ana:  100%, that’s right –don’t eat it. Make a scene – It’ll make them feel bad and guilty for not caring about you and you’ll feel good afterwards for not eating it.

Me: You’re right, I want them to feel bad about this too.

Ana: So stop eating you selfish fat cow.

 <I WALK AWAY FROM THE BOWL – GO DRY MY HAIR READY TO GET OUT THE HOUSE AND GO FOR A WALK.  THEN RETURN TO THE BOWL >

Me: Hang on, You’re not helping me are you? It’s just going to make it worse by causing a scene. And you’re wrong, how does ME not eating make them feel bad? It’s killing me, not them. You’re wrong!”

<I PICK UP THE BOWL AND CARRY ON EATING, THIS TIME OUTSIDE ALONE and CRYING>

Ana: No I am not. I made people listen to you before didn’t I? They can’t hear you. They don’t even CARE that you’re crying

Me: Yes they can hear me. I just need to clear my head and then talk to them about it when I have shut you up.

Ana: Leave a little bit of breakfast then, just for me?

Me: Okay, but just a little.

<I LEAVE SOME BREAKFAST...THEN, WALKING TO COSTA>

Ana: Thank You for that Sarah. Just think, you're burning calories now too. Great! Oh, and when you get to Costa you’ll order an Americano – because you’ve had too much milky coffee recently and there are WAY too many calories in them. You’ve already had too much this morning; you won’t have saved any calories if you do. Plus, today is Sunday; you’re bound to eat too much later too.

Me: Ana, restricting my calories is not going to make them feel worse. They are getting on with their lives and want me to get better too. I am having a coffee light not an Americano, I've burnt cals and deserve it.

Ana: Okay, well you won’t be having a burger with your dinner then or bread with your soup later, unless you like being greedy that is?

Me: Oh, we’ll see about that Ana. By the time I have cleared my head I might feel stronger again. Plus, I know I can’t let other people’s emotions stop my recovery. Including YOU.

<I DRINK COFFEE AND WRITE THIS>

The bad bit of this is I DIDN'T have the burger, this has had an effect on my mood and eating today. I am going to bed under my calories and I feel very low tonight. Let's hope a conversation with her tomorrow goes more my way....

We're Over Girl...

...you're one of those evil friends who has self-gain on the brain. You're selfish and a complete B*TCH.

You're one of those friends who tells you you're not good enough
You're one of those friends who bullies you in to thinking the same as them
You're one of those friends who makes you lie
You're one of those friends who tells you everyone else hates you.
You're one of those friends who steals from you
You're one of those friends who just takes over, all the time.
You're one of those friends who no one else likes
You're one of those friends that NEVER goes away.

So, really, Ana, you're not a very good friend at all, are you?

Tennis with Ana...

Today has been epic in terms of emotions. I could not begin to count the number of different feelings/thoughts/emotions I have felt today. I have been in an all-day emotionally tiring tennis rally with my eating disorder...

It's Me vs Ana in this match...

...So, in relation to my earlier post, I am going to pick up where I left off, where I was about to serve for the day's match, by attempting to make a higher calorie dinner than I have been used to, face a 'fear' food - yes, baked beans - and see if I could take some points from under Ana's nose...and...

I had the jacket potato and baked beans (picture evidence!) which I TOTALLY needed to do. I need to now remember that was a point won against Ana which I need to keep doing BUT it is not the end of the world if every attempt at challenging Ana isn’t as successful. 

I need to remind myself that there is no need for perfectionism EVERYTIME when I am taking a shot at her. I did check online for the calories of a small potato, but I had already eaten it. It is recognising the thoughts but making positive and healthy choices even if they are harder than settling for the anorexic choices. 

Hello, Jacket and Beans!

I am not going to let myself feel guilty for making a ‘recovery’ choice right now or for taking a step AWAY from her. That'd be like feeling guilty for beating your biggest rival in a game of tennis wouldn't it? How stupid! 

I also feel like I convince myself that it was easy to do what I just did – as with everything in my life in the past I haven’t actually admitted to anyone that I find something’s hard and challenging – so now it feels that I have convinced myself that if it isn’t easy next time then I have failed. It’s like I try and forget how hard it was to do what I did tonight, and how long it’s taken me to eat that meal and how long the beans have been in the cupboard before I opened them tonight. I want it to be easy, so I am good at it. Though, I suppose every time I do it, it will be easier and I will get better at it? Like practising my serve, the more I practice the easier it'll be to serve an ace?

I also read something really helpful written by another recovered/ing anorexic tonight  A post by Kate Peoples on her blog 'Small Steps Upward'  -  that totally made sense and really helped me get some clarity and was like a well-needed cheerleader in today's match! 

This comes with its own problems though – I feel like I should have thought of this before, and I am rubbish for not realising that this is how I felt – and now I am copying her! Anyway, it was about TRUSTING your therapists/team and I came to the conclusion that at this crossroad I have the choice to trust everyone at the EDU that they are not lying to me, they know exactly what they are talking about and are experienced professionals that want to see me get better OR I can put my trust in Ana and carry on living a half hearted, restricted and disordered life? I just need to go for it, have faith that it is all going to be okay in the end. It’s terrifying but it will be worth it to be free and get on with my life. Like trusting world class coaches and ignoring the other players trying to trick me, right?

I also figured that I need to take recovery step by step – not panic about it all at once, which I keep doing. I first need to restore weight, just do it, be healthier and THEN Take time to deal with the emotions about my weight, body and anxieties AFTERWARDS. It's like worrying about the final at Wimbledon when I am only just getting though the second round isn't it? 

It’s REALLY not going to work that way – I need to remember that the sooner I restore my weight, the sooner I can work towards FEELING better about myself and work towards a healthier and happier me. The longer I stick where I am on the scales and with my intake, the longer I will feel like crap. Like, I'd feel crap if I got knocked out in this game because I listened to the other players telling me what to do, not my coach!

What a day! Emotional tennis in my head with Ana, but I think I won that game? New balls please! 

Thoughts are thoughts...

Thoughts are thoughts, but it is the way I act on them that’ll mean the difference between recovery and living with my eating disorder.

It can work both ways I suppose, I can THINK that I am doing enough and my true self is in control and NOT actually challenge myself enough to restore my weight and recover.

AND 

 I can have ANOREXIC thoughts, distinguish that it’s Ana and I can choose to challenge them and work towards recovery OR I can choose to act upon her rules and restrict or measure or weigh.

In both cases it’s acting on these thoughts that can make the difference in recovery or in continuing to live with my eating disorder holding the reigns.

Take today for example. I thought that I ‘Don’t need to eat an apple after my appointment because I am going for a coffee in an hour, and that could be my mid-morning snack.’ I distinguished that this was an anorexic thought, because a) I was hungry and b) I need to have BOTH at the moment to help increase my calories. So I ACTED on this by buying an apple and eating it. Then I went for my coffee, and thought ‘You only need a small coffee not a medium like usual, because there is SO much milk in that and it might make you feel heavy and sick’ at this moment in the queue in Costa, I could choose to act on this thought as Sarah or Ana. Unfortunately in this case I ordered a small coffee. I made a choice ANA wanted, which isn’t helping with my goal of restoring my weight.

This is a habit I have gotten into, challenging Ana with one thing, then restricting because I have already challenged her and I back off and keep her happy. I am becoming more and more aware of this each time I go through my food diaries with my dietitian. Meal by meal or day by day, it's the same habit. I think this is the first step – being AWARE of the thoughts and who is driving them, the step I need to take now is ACTING on them.

I have another challenge tonight too. One of my goals this week is to eat a jacket potato with beans. The anorexic thoughts I have already had about this since leaving the clinic today are;

1) There are SO many calories in that meal
2) You don’t NEED beans, just have the potato plain with salad
3) What could I have instead that ‘sort of challenges me’ but is safer in terms of cal content
4) Just have beans and no potato
5) If that takes me to XX calories, then don’t snack later, it’s ok.
6) Is it bad to eat potato at dinner because it’s late?
7) You don’t like baked beans
8) They’ll make you bloated and grosse
9) Beans are a waste of calories

And there are probably more that I haven’t noticed, which are all Ana trying to talk me out of eating the dinner I NEED to eat and decided earlier I would try tonight. Now, I have the choice to cook and eat this dinner and make it POSITIVE or to listen to ANA and not work towards recovery. These are just two examples of the clouds of thoughts I feel around EVERY drink, snack and meal.

No wonder my head is muddled and obsessed and preoccupied with thoughts about food and eating. If the theory is right, the more I challenge Ana and go against her, the quicker and less significant these thoughts will become….the more I think them, want to challenge them, go through the process and then let her win by acting in her favour, the harder and longer the fight will be. She ISN’T getting weaker if I don’t turn my back each time…

 I have also been told again and again, it is a trait of anorexia to see life as black and white, good and bad and success and failure and I for one am so guilty of doing this. I know I am. Or not feeling like I am doing well enough in recovery and beating myself up about it and then just 'not bothering' or convincing myself that this is all just fake and I could snap out of it. The proof is in the pudding (How ironic?) though, because when I do just try and ‘be normal’ or attempt to convince myself I can snap out of it. I freak out. I ‘run away’ from the challenge and back into Ana’s arms each time I freak out and DON’T try something. That’s my eating disorder RIGHT there. ...

I know it’s all about listening, reasoning and challenging Ana that will eventually mean 'recovery.’ And my gosh, it seems she needs a lot of challenging right now, I better start ACTING on it and showing her who’s in control.

POEM: You

There are experiences in life I witness, see or hear which stick with me and I can't shake them from my mind. This happened to me yesterday after my appointment at the clinic. As I walked away from my session with Miss. F, full of ideas to help in the battles with Ana I saw a girl.

A girl, who probably wasn't much older than me, although she looked 20 years older. She is an inpatient at the same clinic I am getting treated at and seeing her struggling to walk down the corridor has stuck with me. I can't shake the image of her from my head, nor can I stop thinking about how ill, frail and old she looked.

I wanted to stop, hug her, tell her it'd be okay, tell her she's worth more than that life. But I didn't. And I realised that I need to do the same to myself. I need to remind myself that this is the extent of Ana's games and when I try and convince myself 'I am nothing like her', I need to also remind myself that I am.

As I went to bed last night I took this with me and I wrote a poem about her to try and explain how it made me feel seeing her, especially at the start of a week where I need to turn around my recovery, psychically and psychologically after a tough week last week. This is for you.

You 

You looked so frail,

Your face so old,

To our destructive friend Ana,

Your soul you’ve sold.

It shocked me to see,

Your delicate frame,

But it’s easy to deny,

Our thoughts are the same.

You’re tight in the grasp,

Of the same evil bitch,

But, me, I’m freer,

With the chance to fix.

Your life she has taken,

The control is not yours,

But the damage, your pain,

Still happens indoors.

I caught a glimpse,

Of pain in your eye,

It’s not a life you’d have chosen,

And neither did I.

Your delicate frame,

Covered in a mountain of clothes,

This is not the perfect,

That you or I chose.

Your legs were so tiny,

And your arms weak and thin,

I’m intrigued to know,

What you feel within.

There is a pain that links us,

We saw at a glance,

You looked at me softly,

And saw Ana’s dance.

I don’t want to become,

The girl that I saw,

I know life is worth living,

And I am worth more.

As you struggled towards me,

The look that you gave,

Your eyes were so empty,

Your body, A slave.

The sight of your legs,

The skin on your face,

Tells a tragic story,

Of Ana’s embrace.

Your life seemed shattered,

And your dreams ripped in two,

And I’m going to bed,

With nightmares of you.

I can’t erase this moment,

It’s stuck in my head,

It’s all I can think of,

As I lie in my bed.

Your fragile bones,

Clear for me to see,

The struggle you showed,

The look you gave me.

Seeing you suffer,

Has made me see,

If I don’t fight harder,

You will be me.

Confessions from Ana #1

"I loved that you found a pro-ana site that hooked you in. It made my job that little bit easier."


love Ana x

Explanation from me:

This confessional moment is a big step for me. Since being in recovery I have almost felt 'guilty' (common guilt about everything again!) about how I still feel weak for getting absolutely hooked on a pro-ana forum.

In fact, I feel guilty for ever being considered the once holy accolade of 'thinspo' and for posting my food diaries, my tips and my pictures of my body wasting away...

I have saved my diaries from this time of my life - all of them. My forum journals and my pictures, my goals, my food diaries and when I am strong enough I will edit them and publish to illustrate the changes anorexia caused in my personality.

Despite this, I still have pangs of Guilt for being anti-pro-ana - like I am a fraud for hating the sites much - when I adored it so much, for so long. I have mixed feelings about the girls I know are still trapped there. I want them to escape....

I used to think I'd never get 'addicted' to anything like that. But it proves how Ana can change you, how she can make you weak and alter your ability to
make rational and informed decisions.

I need to join in and help raise awareness of these sites. The pro-ana twitters, the advocates of Ana. If they got me... I dread to think how they could destroy others lives.