Hello, can you hear me?

So this is the point in recovery where people stop worrying, stop listening and forget that anorexia 'exists' at all right? That's got to be it. But why? 

Because, yes, 'life' is going okay, there are positives, I'm full of enthusiasm for work, picking up confidence and building on experiences brick by brick - in the most positive way I can, which takes mammoth effort, but I believe it's worth it.  

I'm trying to talk positively about positive things too, something I've shied away from for a long time. Not make every 'I'm proud' or Well done' in to something negative instead. This is definitely perfectionism recovery in progress. 

I want to have positive news for everyone.  But how about when I drop the 'but my team a concerned and think I'm ignoring the eating disorder recovery thing a bit too much' line?

Silence. 

Followed by 'but focus on work', 'you're doing fine', 'work comes first now', 'you're okay'....or 'you know what you need to do', 'stay focused'...and on and on. So much so, that I convince myself I am fine.

How do I explain the unexplainable to people who didn't REALLY understand anorexia or recovery in the first place? After all, they did tell me 'to stop focusing on recovery so much, that I just needed to doing other things again' when I was dying from anorexia. Sums it up  Plus, how do I explain when I don't know how I even feel about it all, when I'm so blase about the problems I still face?

I understand that to people around me that I am 1000x healthier, happier, more 'Sarah', less dying and more confident than I was two years ago. But I am FAR from healthy, happy, alive and confident. 

Short of yelling my exact weight, my lingering anorexic rules, my detailed blood chemistry or the inside working (or lack of work) of my womb, there's not a lot else I CAN do. But is it even on their radar that I'm not too rosy on the inside, you know?

But what REALLY confuses me is my family telling me I'm looking 'well', that I am doing well, coping THEN seeing a close friend who tells me the polar opposite, pulls me up on possible weight loss and exposes the silent little niggles in me. Who the HELL do I believe and where do I go from here? I was confused as it was.

Do they hear me when I admit I need to strike some balance, get some motivation and stop ignoring recovery, stop ignoring the lack of social life or weight gain? Do they not see that anorexia is by my side? Can they not hear or see her too? Do they not want to?

I know I'm a louder voice than her nowadays and I do a bloody good job at shutting her up to focus on work and little bits of life. But she's still here and recently, I've let her get away with shouting off a little too much. But it only seems to be me listening. Again. 

I've learnt from the past, but it's frustrating and upsetting that they don't seem to have. After all, I am FINE, but I'm not fine too, that's how I got here in the first place. Coping, regardless. 

False promises, empty words and little lies

False promises, empty words and little lies, the very nature of anorexia means that whether we like it or not, recovery is littered with them. 

It's probably what I hated most when I was ill, repeatedly lying to friends, family, boyfriends, colleagues and even the women behind the counter at the pharmacy. It became totally normal and acceptable to lie about anything and everything to do with (lack of) food and (too much) exercise. I despise lying.

But I liked it too. It made me feel like I had a 'special secret', the 'key' to happiness. It was mine and the secrecy kept it that way. It's what makes anorexia so damn dangerous. You end up lying to yourself about the illness itself.

Recovery is no different, but oh-so very different at the same time. 

I'm no longer whisked away on the fluffy clouds of denial that Ana convinced me was her happiness, so life is real, recovery is real and the false promises and lies are real. And I know it. 

"I'm going to hit my calorie targets" - Yeah right. Tomorrow? 

"I haven't restricted on my meal plan at all" - Really?

"I don't weigh myself any more." - Puts scales back under the bed 

"I don't LIKE chocolate/butter/cakes/crisps" - But REALLY I do

"I've rested and not exercised today" - Takes off trainers**

They just roll off the tongue don't they? Let's be honest, far too easily sometimes.

It doesn't mean we haven't got the best intentions, it doesn't mean we haven't got our sights set on fully beating our eating disorders. It doesn't mean I don't want full recovery and freedom from anorexia. 

But WHY do some of the false promises and empty words continue this far into recovery? 

I hate that I do it. I hate how some times I still make promises and with the best will in the world, I have no intention of doing them. But there's still something addictive or attractive about saying one thing and doing the other. 

The empty words, like 'I'm okay' or the other auto-pilot reposes I've developed in recovery just roll off the tongue. It's easier than explaining sometimes, but it's the lies I don't like. 

I continue to tell people there are foods 'Sarah doesn't like' when really it's Ana who doesn't like Sarah liking them. There are still days when I exercise and don't make up the calories. There are snacks and meals I know how to 'cut corners' that no one will pull me up on, so why not try?

The only explanation I can pin down is that it's Ana keeping her claws in my side, keeping her foot in the door, refusing to release the final rope from around my hands and tape from my mouth. 

It's so easy to let the white lies slip through the net by not speaking at all. I'd call them 'her' lies, but I think in recovery WE need to take responsibility for them, not lay all the blame on our disorders. That's the easy option, but it's easy because it means the eating disorder's won. 

Lying our way through recovery WON'T lead to 'RECOVERED'. I am aware of this. But why does it get to me so much when I know other people still lie for their eating disorder? I do it too.

I guess friendships with other eating disordered (or recovered) people are always going to have a certain level of secrecy aren't they? We don't mention weights or reveal all our food rituals or old anorexic habits and BMI is often a no-go subject. 

Or maybe it's just me being me, competitive and comparing. 

But in sickness and in health. In anorexic terms and in recovery. 

I want to be the 'most recovered' and an 'inspiration' but I have this weird jealousy of people who are still counting every calorie and 'giving in to anorexia too. As recovery has gone on and as I've moved away from anorexia, it's less about the latter, I'm aware it's not helpful.

But I still spend far too much time working out if people with eating disorders are lying to me or speaking empty words and firing off false promises.

Maybe I just need to stop thinking about what they're thinking and start considering if it is me who still needs to fill my words a little more. 

We're only ever lying to ourselves and that's never going to hurt anyone but ourselves. 

**NB. I don't weigh myself, use a calorie counting app. The others are still debatable 

Ranting about STILL restoring weight.

I am confident that deep down I DON’T actually want to LOSE weight, because long-term I KNOW it doesn’t give me the life I want, but I am trapped by not wanting to gain weight right now.I just want to stay put, maintain, no more. 

Although, that fear gives Ana strength and makes her voice louder and lies more believable.

I don’t SEE the long term. I can’t conceive that each pound or kilo makes it BETTER when I don’t know HOW it’ll get better, I don’t have a plan, I can’t be sure it will be. I hope it will, but how do I know?

 Because of this, right now each pound and kilo still feels worse. I know it is so short-sighted, but anorexia really does blur the vision. 

The longer I listen, the more I listen out for her, the harder I look for proof for HER, the louder she is and the more shit I feel, it’s just the way it goes with anorexia.