Oh. My. Weight.

One of the HARDEST things about sharing my recovery openly is that a big part of it has never been open. Most people know what that part it and why it's the 'Great Unshared' of those in recovery.

Sometimes I just want to blurt it all out, why? Because NOT talking about it is exactly what anorexia wants. Whether that's the 'shame' the illness makes me feel for gaining - or the 'secret' happiness of it going down - or for me - the relief of it being EXACTLY the same. 

So, this morning was my monthly 'weigh in day'. Still a date with a big 'X' on my diary which plays on my mind, whether I like that or not. It's a morning I dread and over-think more than I probably should the night before. 

I don't have scales, I get myself out of bed early and go to the local leisure centre to use the digital scales (right outside the 0700am spin class and a bustling gym which makes me feel guilty for not being 'so dedicated to fitness. I'll touch on that soon!)

This morning was no different. Same clothes, same routine. Driving there my mind goes over the same thoughts as last month, and the month before that. I set the 'acceptable gain' I won't freak out about....I allow myself the sneaky excitement that it MIGHT have just gone down 'a little bit' and then the most comfortable thought. Just please be the same. 

I step on the digital scales, pop in my pound coin and '"stay still and stand upright" while the machine measures my height and weight. I don't even look at the screen to see. I wait for the print out instead. I hold on to the handles and measure my body fat, even though I have no faith in what that ACTUALLY measures (I always think maybe it'd have a true reading if it could measure the fat somewhere else. Like my stomach not my fingers?)  

Let me put this next bit in context. **Don't read this paragraph if you're easily triggered. I am just being honest** For the last couple of months I have tracked my intake roughly - and generally day-to-day I don't reach 2000 calories, despite knowing I should be, and not being far off, it's not 2000. For those of you who want to know...it's probably 1600-ish. So, if I am NOT at the 'ideal' recovery weight, and I'm under-eating on a daily basis, and doing about two days of exercise a week (one run and one HIIT/Circuit session) my head is jumbled with thoughts as to why I have gained weight. A little more context. 

Anyone well into their recovery or battling on from a relapse will know what I mean when I explain that it's not like the SCREAMS of anorexia when you first start WR, it's more a mix of a thousand-and-one questions as to WHY it's gone up, just wanting answers. Of course, I know it's anorexia asking them. I also have to consciously remind myself I am still slightly short of where I was when I was discharged - and even then I had a couple of kilos to go to hit the 'ideal' initial WR target. Want a little more context? I'm talking about 0.3kg, a POUND. That's anorexia's magic, all those questions, over 1lb. It makes me analyse what I have done to 'deserve' the gain. 

I don't want lie or hold back but know to protect other people in recovery - I do. It also helps to avoid having to explain myself to people who don't get why this is still an issue a year after discharge and almost five years after stating treatment. But it is. 

So I will have to end this here. A pound. 

The never ending number niggles

Don't read into this as me being at war with my body, or hating my weight or even being scared of food or meal times. It's not like that.

What I can't tell is what's bothering me and what my mind is expecting me to do about solving the conflict.

Before being discharged from services back in March I agreed the best solution to the 'to weigh or not to weigh' issue was a monthly weigh in on public scales at the leisure centre or supermarket. That's been working out fine. It means I'm not tempted to 'just check' my weight more regularly and it's the same scales, so I don't worry about 'the right number' and fret over that.

This morning was sixth month of this routine. A routine which I know is more obsessive than it should be. I go at the same time, wear the same clothes and worry that I might need another wee before stepping on, just incase it's not my 'real weight'. (I think in another life I would make a brilliant Scientist with these controlled experiments!) 

I do worry about the numbers. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that. I don't want them to go up, something I wish I could stop making an issue. The thing is, my weight is down since leaving treatment. Not significantly, but enough to leave me with the lingering fear of getting back to where I was when I waved goodbye to my EDU team. Although today, it was up by 0.4kg on last month. And that throws up conflicts I wish I didn't still have.

I don't try to lose weight, but I don't try to gain either. Anyone who's had anorexia will know the temptation to lose weight is there. The secret hope that stress, or a busy life or the day when you ate a little less meant you lost 'a little' or at least stayed the same. That 0.4kg, 400g, half a pound, bothers me. Not significantly. It just niggles away. Makes me blame myself. That I've eaten too much somewhere this month, that despite running and exercising I have gained weight, when other people eat more than me and lose it. I just want to know why. Have an answer. 

It's not like I'm sat here crying or tearing my hair out - or even changed my breakfast when I got back. I have no intentions of doing that. But it just annoys me. Confirms that I still let my weight get on my nerves, like it always have. In a resentful not hateful way. 

Truth is I AM Conflicted over the benefits of even knowing or if I should confide in a friend about the real numbers and the loss since discharge. No one's noticed, so it's not an issue. I'm not restricting my diet in a way that makes it hollow, I'm generally getting on with life? Plus, I don't really know what to say or the response I'm expecting? Someone will pipe up about 'the need to fully gain weight' and 'recovery being about a healthy weight for your body' and I'm very aware of the rhetoric. I'm  aware that I still hate the idea of weight gain. I'm also aware of the 100 reasons 300g difference in a month is fuck all. 

I'm aware of all that, what I don't know is if this allure of losing weight or the fear of gaining will ever go away after a lifetime of blaming myself for the littlest issue. 

Number Numbness

Somehow in recovery somewhere, I've gotten lost in a number numbness, a sort of numerical fog that won't lift. 

One of the first lessons I was taught in recovery and still hear lots is 'You are not a number' and that you can't measure your worth in calories, kilos or clothes sizes. All very true.

It's not even that. It's different. I know I am not defined by my weight. 

But I've realised after being weighed last week - seeing a smaller number - and following six months of the numbers slowly creeping down. I've slipped into a disconnected number numbness. 

Let's clear a few things up; I have NO drive to lose weight, at all. 

I don't want to be 'thin' or underweight.

I am not jealous of people's low weights/BMI.

I don't have a BMI that 'bothers' me.

I've been an adult healthy weight.

I don't add up my daily calories total.

I don't weigh all my food out. 

I don't know the calorie content of all my meals. 

I have clothes in all sizes and accept that.

But something is not right, that's become clear over the last six months where my weight has dropped without me WANTING it to or me consciously TRYING to. It has just happened. 

I am TOO disconnected from the scales.

It doesn't even make me feel good. I feel NOTHING about my weight. The numbers don't mean ANYTHING to me. They don't represent anything to me and they don't represent success or achievement. So what does this all mean?

Again, I've been told it's about balance, it's needing to care enough to be concious about what the scales say, but not consumed by it. It's about knowing I'm getting enough calories but not counting them. It's about noticing if my clothes feel looser, but not body checking. But all those things are double edged swords, depending if I let anorexic thoughts creep in. The problem is, because I'm not fully weight restored, I NEED to be concious that I NEED to gain more weight, I need to eat ENOUGH calories. 

It's like I've overdosed on numbers over the past three years in treatment, to the point that they don't mean anything to me now. 

To be honest, the numbness is driving me insane. I just wish I was numb enough to add the EXTRA to restore weight fully, but something is stopping me just letting go. And I can't feel it. Too much too numb. 

Wow, Have you lost weight?

I know, I know, I'm recovering from anorexia, it's not about losing weight and being complimented for  it, that of course is the last thing anyone will say to me. But that still doesn't stop me wishing that I could hear it again.

When you've spend most of your life, like I have, holding the belief that the biggest compliment anyone could pass was suggesting I'd dropped a few pounds AND you could notice AND it looked good, it's hard not to crave it.

Call it shallow, call it silly, call it what you wish, but those words still hold importance in my head.

It's also linked to the growing green-eyes I'm getting towards anyone who dares tell me they're on a diet, losing weight of just 'not that hungry' recently. The same goes for the people who tell me they're 'eating healthy' or giving up carbs or wheat or gluten or any other part of their diets in a bid to shed a few pounds. 

I've got the defense tools to keep me on the recovery staight and narrow with my own meal plan. Different rules, I know diets don't work, they'll regain what the lose, it's balance, blah, blah, blah. But why is it so hard to hear? 

It's harder now I'm closer to a healthy set weight, it's been hard for the last year since I've been in a healthy BMI. Sat freezing, shivering in three jumpers, severely underweight I could listen to people's weight loss tales, but that's because I KNEW, I was aware I was killing my body, starving it and it needed all the Fortisips and peanut butter it could get to repair, but now? There are blurred lines. 

Unless I'm totally off my head, most women love hearing they look like they've lost weight and look good for it.

I know most of my friends and family would agree. I guess society plays a part in this and the multi-million pound diet industry dreams of it long being this way, but this is what I don't like, going AGAISNT the grain especially when it makes recovery even harder.

I don't want to be different to everyone else, I don't want to be going up when everyone else is going down, I don't even want to be maintaining when everyone else is getting the kicks I once did. I'm not sure if it's rose tinted anorexia blurred glasses clouding my memories of how weight loss felt on the scales or what but...

...it's hard to swallow when I feel like the only person in the world who's never going to hear those magic words ever again, especially when I feel humongous. Sod what society tells me, I know this is about how I feel. 

Ranting about STILL restoring weight.

I am confident that deep down I DON’T actually want to LOSE weight, because long-term I KNOW it doesn’t give me the life I want, but I am trapped by not wanting to gain weight right now.I just want to stay put, maintain, no more. 

Although, that fear gives Ana strength and makes her voice louder and lies more believable.

I don’t SEE the long term. I can’t conceive that each pound or kilo makes it BETTER when I don’t know HOW it’ll get better, I don’t have a plan, I can’t be sure it will be. I hope it will, but how do I know?

 Because of this, right now each pound and kilo still feels worse. I know it is so short-sighted, but anorexia really does blur the vision. 

The longer I listen, the more I listen out for her, the harder I look for proof for HER, the louder she is and the more shit I feel, it’s just the way it goes with anorexia.

Keeping Quiet

I have made the decision as part of, 'New Year, New Sare' that am going to STOP telling people my weight and progress and say I am doing what is required or not, because their all so often patronising ‘oh well done’ responses. They just really confuse me more than I benefit from gaining their approval or commendation for my recovery. From now on  I am going to say;

‘I am doing what is required’
If I have gained weight and then acceptably maintained when I am allowed

Or

‘I need to fight harder’
If I lose weight because I need them to know I must fight more and might need their help if I ask

I need to take this step because I can’t keep going over and over my recovery, my sessions with Ms F or my emotions surrounding weigh ins and weight restoration because most people just don’t understand how the scales going up can be bad and good and how them going down can feel both negative and positive.
I am often faced with the question 'How I can want to get better' if I feel positive when I lose weight and not feel over-joyed with the scales reflecting me getting better. I can't ever explain to some people how restoring weight DOESN’T feel like I am getting better sometimes. 

I need to remember first and foremost that this is MY recovery and that is all that matters at the end of the day. I sometimes get an urge to gush it all out, tell everyone everything for a fear that  if it’s spiralling in my head between sessions, that I'll get more and more confused.

However, as a result of feeling so mixed, it often comes out confused, mixed up and making no sense to me, never mind anyone else, which ends up being more detrimental that the whirlwind of thoughts in the first place.

Most people don’t understand how I can separate Ana and Sarah and how in terms of recovery, weigh ins and weight restoration. They can't grasp that my thoughts and opinion on all three can quickly swing from HER thoughts and MY own ‘non-disordered’, logical opinion in the same breath. Jesus, I can’t even keep up sometimes.

It is becoming more hassle and upsetting than it is supportive to explain because I just end up sounding like I don’t want to get better, pessimistic and confused. Because in all honesty, I am mixed up about it, still sat in the middle of disordered and recovered thoughts about the scales.

I need to stop seeking the reassurance from the people around me, stop trying to work out if they are pleased with me, stop needing to know that I am doing the right thing and accept that none of them can really give me that.

I need to focus on ME.