I know, I know, I'm recovering from anorexia, it's not about losing weight and being complimented for it, that of course is the last thing anyone will say to me. But that still doesn't stop me wishing that I could hear it again.
When you've spend most of your life, like I have, holding the belief that the biggest compliment anyone could pass was suggesting I'd dropped a few pounds AND you could notice AND it looked good, it's hard not to crave it.
Call it shallow, call it silly, call it what you wish, but those words still hold importance in my head.
It's also linked to the growing green-eyes I'm getting towards anyone who dares tell me they're on a diet, losing weight of just 'not that hungry' recently. The same goes for the people who tell me they're 'eating healthy' or giving up carbs or wheat or gluten or any other part of their diets in a bid to shed a few pounds.
I've got the defense tools to keep me on the recovery staight and narrow with my own meal plan. Different rules, I know diets don't work, they'll regain what the lose, it's balance, blah, blah, blah. But why is it so hard to hear?
It's harder now I'm closer to a healthy set weight, it's been hard for the last year since I've been in a healthy BMI. Sat freezing, shivering in three jumpers, severely underweight I could listen to people's weight loss tales, but that's because I KNEW, I was aware I was killing my body, starving it and it needed all the Fortisips and peanut butter it could get to repair, but now? There are blurred lines.
Unless I'm totally off my head, most women love hearing they look like they've lost weight and look good for it.
I know most of my friends and family would agree. I guess society plays a part in this and the multi-million pound diet industry dreams of it long being this way, but this is what I don't like, going AGAISNT the grain especially when it makes recovery even harder.
I don't want to be different to everyone else, I don't want to be going up when everyone else is going down, I don't even want to be maintaining when everyone else is getting the kicks I once did. I'm not sure if it's rose tinted anorexia blurred glasses clouding my memories of how weight loss felt on the scales or what but...
...it's hard to swallow when I feel like the only person in the world who's never going to hear those magic words ever again, especially when I feel humongous. Sod what society tells me, I know this is about how I feel.
Sarah. I can relate to this all too well. It is difficult to change beliefs that have been with us for a long time and probably built up for all sorts of reasons. One thing though to bear in mind is that the way in which a person without an eating disorder goes on a diet and loses weight is very different to the way someone with anorexia does so - it isn't done with the same single minded drive and it doesn't have the same meaning to them. But yes, hearing those conversations is hard! You are doing so well and it's having the AWARENESS of what's going on internally for you, that then gives you the choice about whether to really 'agree' with that or not. Keep swimming :)
ReplyDeleteI also can completely relate to this, I find it so difficult to hear when people are on diets or telling me how they are losing weight. As my friend kindly informed whilst I was an inpatient "whilst you have been gaining weight, I have been losing it, and I am SO happy about it", it is safe to say that I felt completely poo, or when my sister tells me it is time for lunch and then afternoon snack when she hasn't eaten anything since breakfast or when people told me they had a good gym session. It is the worse feeling and I become the green eye monster, but one of my fellow inpatients and good friends told me for most people it is torture and a hassle to lose weight, they don't thrive on it in the same way we do. They just want to finish it so they can start eating again. People like losing weight but not the process of it, so we have to remind ourselves that for us we wouldn't stop at a few lbs or kgs, for people with eating disorders, we would kill ourselves. So enjoy the compliments when people tell you how good you look now, trust me those compliments are not telling you that you look fat, they congratulating you on your achievements and saying YES YOU'RE WINNING!!
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