What I've learnt about recovery at Christmas

"It's the most wonderful time of the year...."

But it can also be one of the hardest if you're recovering from an eating disorder. The types of food around us, the amount of food around us, the talk of 'Christmas binges' and gaining weight seems to be constant. Then, even before Boxing Day is out, people turn their attention to diets. 

I love Christmas but I hate it too, so these might not work for everyone, but they help me. 

1) Write a festive food plan

Even six years into my own recovery, I dread the 'unorganised' and out of routine eating. So, to combat that I write a special Christmas meal plan for the 24th - 26th December when I am around people and eating at parties when I am not in control or in my usual routine. Of course, ideally I would be okay with food and going with the flow, but I am not. I am also sure I am not alone in this. I try to stick to my usual pattern of eating - Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner with 2 or 3 snacks. I find that helps me not spin 'what have I eaten...have I over eaten.." around my head and allows me to relax more. I do this for Xmas eve, the big day and Boxing Day. 

My plan looks a little like this; In our family the big Christmas dinner is at 1pm. So, I have my breakfast as usual and add some fruit and nuts from around the house to it. I usually see my starter at dinner as my Mid Morning snack, my main meal is my Christmas dinner and the Christmas pudding is my afternoon snack. Then we have a 'tea time' buffet - which generally I add a vegan option to for myself - and some salad. Then for supper, if I can, I let myself have something sweet. I struggle with 'unhealthy' in my head still, so I take it as it comes. Of course , I DO eat more on Christmas Day, than usual...but...

2) Remind yourself it's just a day (or two) 

...that leads me on to this. It is JUST A DAY or I am not going to lie though, I look forward to the 27th and getting back to a stable eating routine. This is how I cope, not necessarily the 'right or wrong' way. Keep it in perspective, and breathe. I repeat to myself, one day eating more than usual will NOT make me fat or greedy, that it is okay. 

3) Pace and portion for yourself

I try whatever I do to not compare my eating to other people around Christmas. Being vegan means I eat differently anyway but also my eating disorder makes me feel different too.  But also, because I am sticking to a plan and NOT overeating beyond comfort I need to remind myself that getting hungry at teatime dosen't make me greedy, it is just because I am eating regularly. If it helps, serve your own food, we do this anyway and I only put what I usually eat on my plate.  

4) Take some timeout 

I find the whole Yule a little overwhelming with people and food, so don't feel bad for needing some space. I used to journal a lot, and found some Christmas Days I wrote pages and pages to calm down and put things in to perspective. If you need to, go find a quiet space and read a new book or old favorite. You don't need to be 24/7 party mode, if you need a break from the festivities, then have one. I have recently taken up yoga again, so I am going to make sure I get to a class between Xmas and New Year.

5) Phone a friend (or helpline)

Even if it is a text message or quick SOS call, just knowing someone else 'gets it' and knows what you're dealing with, it'll help off load (and maybe approach the next tip!) For me, it's my best friend who also has mental health problems. We know we can text each other what we're faced with. If I am sick of getting offered food I don't want for the 100th time - and she's struggling with socializing, I KNOW she's there.

If you haven't got someone close to you there IS someone to talk to the Samaritans are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week over the Christmas period. You can call them on 08457 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org

6) Try to use your voice

Tensions can be fraught at Christmas, aren't they? Most families will have a debate or bicker or two. It's tempting just to sit and suck it up - to hear lots of uncomfortable conversations and not tell people how unhelpful they are. But if you can, and it won't cause WW3 to break out, just politely say that you don't find it helpful to hear here about the calories in foods, or to listen to how people are going to drop the weight in the new year. I know I am one who CAN speak up, and does. 

7) It doesn't have to be perfect.

I am guilty of wanting Christmas to be 'just so', for everyone to be happy, for things to go to plan and for everyone to have a good time. But that just isn't the case. In 2011 I had the WORST Christmas ever, I was dying, I was in crisis and I had arguments about food and threw my Fortisip at my Mum. I've seen this since as the 'reset' button and since then I have just tried to enjoy moments and appreciate little things. 

8) Be a big kid

I am lucky to be an Aunty so I take the chance to play with their new toys, spend QT with the little ones and have lots of cuddles. How about picking up a game and getting the family to play? It's the little things that make Christmas after all....

YOU CAN DO THIS! Merry Christmas! 

*** GET SUPPORT FROM BEAT ***

Helpline opening times

1 December - 24 December: 3-10pm

Christmas Day: 6-10pm

Boxing Day: 6-10pm

27 December - 2 January: 3-10pm

During this time you can contact our Helpline Advisors by:

Picking up the phone and calling 0808 801 0611 for the Adult Helpline, 0808 801 0711 for the Youthline

Sending an email to help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk or the Youthline fyp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk

Accessing our one-to-one chat service

Sending a direct message on Twitter to @BeatEDSupport

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/christmas-services-2018

Thought splurges and avoiding urges...

I often talk about anorexia in the past tense, like "because I battled with anorexia..." or "when I was ill with anorexia..." and so on, but I know WHY I do that, NOT because I consider myself over it, or fully recovered as some people say, but because it's like I have to justify my illness or recovery.

It's easier to say 'when I was ill' than it is to start explaining the fact that I am not critically ill, or acutely ill, or in need of hospitalization or treatment - but anorexia is still there. I am not underweight or particularly have 'that' all-so-stigmatized 'look' but I still have anorexic issues.

Like for instance going for my bone scan today, thanks anorexia, my bones are getting progressively more shit. I had to say I haven't has periods for 6 years, explain the whole anorexia thing, explain I wasn't pregnant (I wish, but that would need a male involvement too!) and then get weighed, and seeing 3kg more on the scales than I roughly thought. Great. 

I'd already had a headful of shit this morning. My old urges to BIN all the food because I don't like having things like dried fruit or nuts in the house because I eat them as snacks, grazing. I was letting the thoughts of guilt about the lack of running or general exercise spin - I haven't had time to and couldn't be bothered. 

I woke up and body checked and stood infront of the mirror with my bloated belly sticking out just asking (out loud I add) WHY the fuck I have to have this SHITTY body and stomach and why my legs feel fat and why I don;t have the motivation to improve it. I also know my improvements lead to weight loss and that doesn't end well.

I think of all the changes I could make to improve my mental health and not feel these things, but those improvements are 1) cutting down on the non-planned meals or snacks 2) regular exercise 3) new clothes that hide me 4) a boob job (seriously considering it) and just generally hiding. But I know these are anorexia's solutions.

Thing is the healthy solutions, like chilling the FUCK out don't seem viable when I am stuck in this half recovery. The still feel shit. I know someone will comment about how therapy would help me right now, but you know what - they said no again. So don't try. Plus, I know the techniques, I know I have to be open to change thought paths and habits - but I haven't got the faith in me or anyone else to do that. I know I made mistakes by making these habits way back, the ways of compromising with Ana to make life livable.  I made this bed and I am going to have to lie in it aren't I? 

Living by the rule book

What I was given yesterday was permission to publish version two of the anorexic rule book that I've learnt to live by. A redrafted edition.

It's not like the edition I lived by back then, not like it was before. By giving me this permission in my head -is basically stating that I am okay and can be 'content' and cope with living within the restrictions this rule book states. It's normal and okay that I still put these controls on my life. What I don't get there is that she can't see that I opened up and said the reason I can't commit to therapy fully, give my self over and burn the book - is not because I am not fed up with the way I'm living, I am. I'm too addicted to the rules and I know they hold me back. But it's about trust. I don't trust anyone at all that it can be different for me. I also need to turn pages carefully because of the commitment I have to my life too. By that I mean work, mortgage and my plans.

It's just yet more proof services take their eye off the ball when you've got a high-functioning mental illness. When you're able to read and live by anorexic rules day to day to cope with life, but when you're able to be a 'rebel' and break the rules from time to time.


It's like eating disorders services are almost relieved that one of me comes along now and then. Self aware enough to write my own rules to cope, with the awareness that going back to volume one is NOT the life I want or need. But still not being able to put the rules down.

Unable to trust myself or my body to cope without them. Worried that living without them would be too much to bear. Apparently, when I can't break the rules any more and my life is governed by them completely, that's when they'll help me put it down.

I was sat there, admitting that I still live by the rule book, still count calories, still hate my body, still hate when I break them, still control everyone and everything I can to stick to them - and still know I'd be better with help to get rid of the book - but nothing.

Apparently, It's my fault for not trusting that burning the book would be the best thing to do. Maybe I needed help lighting the match and watching the pages burn...but I don't have a light, that's why I went back, but they can't help.

So I'll keep the book under my pillow for now. I need it like in needed a security blanket as a child. After all, I am able to break the rules from time to time. So what harm does keeping the book do? Really.

Hmmm.

Oh. My. Weight.

One of the HARDEST things about sharing my recovery openly is that a big part of it has never been open. Most people know what that part it and why it's the 'Great Unshared' of those in recovery.

Sometimes I just want to blurt it all out, why? Because NOT talking about it is exactly what anorexia wants. Whether that's the 'shame' the illness makes me feel for gaining - or the 'secret' happiness of it going down - or for me - the relief of it being EXACTLY the same. 

So, this morning was my monthly 'weigh in day'. Still a date with a big 'X' on my diary which plays on my mind, whether I like that or not. It's a morning I dread and over-think more than I probably should the night before. 

I don't have scales, I get myself out of bed early and go to the local leisure centre to use the digital scales (right outside the 0700am spin class and a bustling gym which makes me feel guilty for not being 'so dedicated to fitness. I'll touch on that soon!)

This morning was no different. Same clothes, same routine. Driving there my mind goes over the same thoughts as last month, and the month before that. I set the 'acceptable gain' I won't freak out about....I allow myself the sneaky excitement that it MIGHT have just gone down 'a little bit' and then the most comfortable thought. Just please be the same. 

I step on the digital scales, pop in my pound coin and '"stay still and stand upright" while the machine measures my height and weight. I don't even look at the screen to see. I wait for the print out instead. I hold on to the handles and measure my body fat, even though I have no faith in what that ACTUALLY measures (I always think maybe it'd have a true reading if it could measure the fat somewhere else. Like my stomach not my fingers?)  

Let me put this next bit in context. **Don't read this paragraph if you're easily triggered. I am just being honest** For the last couple of months I have tracked my intake roughly - and generally day-to-day I don't reach 2000 calories, despite knowing I should be, and not being far off, it's not 2000. For those of you who want to know...it's probably 1600-ish. So, if I am NOT at the 'ideal' recovery weight, and I'm under-eating on a daily basis, and doing about two days of exercise a week (one run and one HIIT/Circuit session) my head is jumbled with thoughts as to why I have gained weight. A little more context. 

Anyone well into their recovery or battling on from a relapse will know what I mean when I explain that it's not like the SCREAMS of anorexia when you first start WR, it's more a mix of a thousand-and-one questions as to WHY it's gone up, just wanting answers. Of course, I know it's anorexia asking them. I also have to consciously remind myself I am still slightly short of where I was when I was discharged - and even then I had a couple of kilos to go to hit the 'ideal' initial WR target. Want a little more context? I'm talking about 0.3kg, a POUND. That's anorexia's magic, all those questions, over 1lb. It makes me analyse what I have done to 'deserve' the gain. 

I don't want lie or hold back but know to protect other people in recovery - I do. It also helps to avoid having to explain myself to people who don't get why this is still an issue a year after discharge and almost five years after stating treatment. But it is. 

So I will have to end this here. A pound. 

The never ending number niggles

Don't read into this as me being at war with my body, or hating my weight or even being scared of food or meal times. It's not like that.

What I can't tell is what's bothering me and what my mind is expecting me to do about solving the conflict.

Before being discharged from services back in March I agreed the best solution to the 'to weigh or not to weigh' issue was a monthly weigh in on public scales at the leisure centre or supermarket. That's been working out fine. It means I'm not tempted to 'just check' my weight more regularly and it's the same scales, so I don't worry about 'the right number' and fret over that.

This morning was sixth month of this routine. A routine which I know is more obsessive than it should be. I go at the same time, wear the same clothes and worry that I might need another wee before stepping on, just incase it's not my 'real weight'. (I think in another life I would make a brilliant Scientist with these controlled experiments!) 

I do worry about the numbers. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that. I don't want them to go up, something I wish I could stop making an issue. The thing is, my weight is down since leaving treatment. Not significantly, but enough to leave me with the lingering fear of getting back to where I was when I waved goodbye to my EDU team. Although today, it was up by 0.4kg on last month. And that throws up conflicts I wish I didn't still have.

I don't try to lose weight, but I don't try to gain either. Anyone who's had anorexia will know the temptation to lose weight is there. The secret hope that stress, or a busy life or the day when you ate a little less meant you lost 'a little' or at least stayed the same. That 0.4kg, 400g, half a pound, bothers me. Not significantly. It just niggles away. Makes me blame myself. That I've eaten too much somewhere this month, that despite running and exercising I have gained weight, when other people eat more than me and lose it. I just want to know why. Have an answer. 

It's not like I'm sat here crying or tearing my hair out - or even changed my breakfast when I got back. I have no intentions of doing that. But it just annoys me. Confirms that I still let my weight get on my nerves, like it always have. In a resentful not hateful way. 

Truth is I AM Conflicted over the benefits of even knowing or if I should confide in a friend about the real numbers and the loss since discharge. No one's noticed, so it's not an issue. I'm not restricting my diet in a way that makes it hollow, I'm generally getting on with life? Plus, I don't really know what to say or the response I'm expecting? Someone will pipe up about 'the need to fully gain weight' and 'recovery being about a healthy weight for your body' and I'm very aware of the rhetoric. I'm  aware that I still hate the idea of weight gain. I'm also aware of the 100 reasons 300g difference in a month is fuck all. 

I'm aware of all that, what I don't know is if this allure of losing weight or the fear of gaining will ever go away after a lifetime of blaming myself for the littlest issue.