Let’s just look at where we are!

As much as I try not to look back, reflect and look forward and set myself so many resolutions at this time of year,  truth is I like doing it and I actually find it quite helpful (as long as I don’t beat myself up about not sticking to it midyear and at this time next year!)

In terms of 2017 I guess I achieved quite a lot. I really got into my allotment and feel like I made a success of it, which I am really proud of, and miss it now it’s winter! I finally got my staff contract at the BBC which I’ve been aiming for since I got back to work, I took on more responsibility at work and challenge myself things I couldn’t do which includes taking a radio show to Belgium and going on tour for a week, which challenged me professionally and personally. It’s hard not to see the win in that isn’t it? I challenged myself to make plans and keep the more in 2017 and to not get freaked out about being out of routine. I’m not gonna lie this is not come easy at all and it’s caused me internal anxiety but I feel that this can only get better? I know I have a long way to go and half the stuff that goes on in my head especially last year isn’t healthy and it’s holding me back but it’s all about progress not perfection right?

At the very end of 2017 I went on an unplanned date and it seems to have been the right choice!? It was totally unplanned as I’ve maintained for a long time that I was happy single. But in the last six weeks I have eaten out, I have seen him unexpectedly, I have cooked for him and eating at a restaurant that he chose and I had no idea where I was going all the food I was eating. For those who know what I was like with my ex, after even a year I haven’t cooked for him or let him choose a restaurant. Let’s see how this goes in 2018!

Honestly, I’m not sure how much progress I have made in recovery in 2017, because it all seems very different to how I did in previous years. I know I struggled a lot With the guilt of not running and pulling out of races and doing less exercise. This has meant that I have gained weight and I can see it in my body shape and I’m not gonna lie the end of 2017 has been hard to except my changing body. The beginning of 2018 has not made this any easier. I still feel better when I am exercising and running but I’m not sure why I feel better? So I need to sit with this thought and work out what is going on. I feel like I should be running but I also like running will leave that there for now! I have gone back to yoga and about with is expensive and I feel guilty about spending money on it it’s really bloody good for me.

I am not going to sit here and make recovery resolutions about gaining weight, making progress in mental recovery, or pledge to let anorexia have less control over me, and so on. Because I don’t know where to start!

Mainly because recovery is not that structured any more. I don’t actually think I can plan that any more. I know what I need to work on and I’m very aware of how I still let my eating disorder control me and the bits I think I like. It’s probably going to be a case of riding the waves of 2018 and seeing which ones wash up those habits on different shores. A long time ago I wrote a blog on just keeping swimming and I guess as 2018 starts that’s all I can do.

Recovery Journals Throwbacks (11th & 12th Nov)

I am starting to sort through journals I kept through recovery and these are extracts from this weekend in 2011 and 2012. This was around 3 months then a year into treatment, it highlights the underlying thoughts that carried through and some of which remain 6 years on. 

Friday 11th November 2011 

When will this stop? When will I get a firm grasp on what the HELL is going on in my head and with my body?

I know I felt like this last week to, like there was NO CHANCE I could have LOST weight, but I have. It is yet again more proof that my feelings and anorexic thoughts are pretty much the complete opposite of fact. I don’t understand how I can feel SO certain that I will have gained, or at the very least maintained and then be half a kilo lighter. How can I feel so much fatter and not BE so much fatter? It just mixes up my emotions even more than they were already. I am going to focus on keeping Ana quiet about this loss and really try and use it as ammunition AGAINST her games. I have to, because like Wendy explained, the LOWER MY WEIGHT DROPS, THE WEAKER I BECOME, THE STRONGER ANA’S THOUGHTS AND CONTROL BECOMES. This means that no matter what I do and how much I am trying to eat and recover, Ana is there, creeping up on my, pound by pound.

It was a bit of a wakeup call that Wendy mentioned that both her and Fiona thought I looked thinner and not very well at the moment – because I get conflicting messages from different people saying I look ill, tired or some saying that I look really well and much better. But I suppose I have chosen the pictures people see on FB, to present a Sarah that is okay, coping and getting better, when reality might be very different. There is no hiding from W or F though, and I don’t want to hide either, but it is so much harder than I thought to give over EVERYTHING and bare all too. I do trust that they don’t judge me, but opening up about all the thoughts feel so alien sometimes. It also feels fake sometimes too, because it doesn’t feel like me or my thoughts because I’ve never said them out loud or thought of them in certain ways. But it is me and it is real isn’t it?

WHEN I RELAX ABOUT FOOD, WHEN IT FEELS EASIER TO EAT, WHEN I AM HUNGRY AND NOTICE I IS NOT ME LOSING CONTROL….IT’S ME WINNING

AND MY GOD I need to remember this. I need to remember that it is okay to enjoy food and for it to be easier and less scary to eat. That is a snippet of how people function WITHOUT Ana controlling them. Yes, these moments are still rare for me, but I continue to make myself feel bad and guilty about them when they happened anyway, so they feel like bad feelings and thoughts, not positive ones. Ana has convinced me for so long that these are WEAK feelings, like being hungry. Really, I know I should be embracing these new feelings, I should be glad I am starting to feel them and I should be AIMING to feel them all the time.

Sunday 11th November 2012

I looked chunky and fat next to her, but she said she thought I looked small, thin, underweight, I can't  remember which word she used, and I can't actually say that I believe her at all? I don’t understand why she’s say that when I don’t look thin – when I am NOT underweight anymore. I don’t believe it at all, but she did say it. I like the honesty she has like, that she still thinks certain ways that could be anorexia talking but she KNOWS that and is aware and deals with it, but realistically isn’t a denial frame of mind that she’s ‘perfectly recovered’ but more that she lives life but knows when thoughts aren't helpful – which is sort of inspiring really.

I guess that acts as a reminder that it is ok to struggle sometimes or look back as long as you don’t GO BACK – and struggles mean you just need to be more aware – NOT That everything is going wrong.

I am really trying NOT to focus on bad bits things that could have been better or on trying to work out how much I have eaten. But I do feel tired and LOW tonight – the Sunday blues, I don’t know – maybe it’s a reminder that I don’t have a social life and that I have work to do.

Saturday 12th November 2011

I hate that some mornings, like now, I wake up mega early when I really need the sleep. No matter how hard I try and relax I can’t go back to sleep. What I hate EVEN more is that my thoughts are instantly consumed by food. Today I KNEW I’d be having a sandwich and THEN halloumi cheese later too, food was the first thing I thought about, followed quickly about what time I would ‘allow’ myself to have breakfast. Apparently Ana says 8am! It’s ridiculous and I hate it. I hate that my ED makes food the central focus of my thoughts, but it’s always been that way I think. I don’t remember a time ever when I didn’t worry about the ‘consequences’ of eating something or a time when I didn’t make the food I was going to or the food I just consumed the focal point on my mind. The fear has shifted over time, from sick, to fat, to sick, to greedy. But now, as well as worrying about calorie content and the ‘effect’ the food will have on my weight, my body shape, on the way I appear to others, I still worry about food making me sick. Like I didn’t trust xxx to make my dinner last night, like he wouldn’t do it right because of contamination, the kitchen wasn’t clean enough AND he couldn’t make the correct amount of food. The internal monologue from morning to the moment I fall asleep at night REALLY does my head in.

I keep thinking about calories today too, anything I eat I am thinking about how much more I am eating than before, I keep going over and over the rest of the day, thinking about how much I have left to eat and panicking about it.

In my head I need to realise that me going ‘tomorrow’ will be a ‘better’ day is Ana thinking that tomorrow she’ll get away with sneaking in restricting more, making me eat less because I ‘picked’ today at cake. She convinces me that I can ‘make up for’ being ‘bad’ today \and eating too much. But I know I need to just stick to my meal plan tomorrow. I am worried that tomorrow is the most ‘open’ day on my plan thought and how AN thoughts could take over. But now I have made myself aware of this I NEED to fight it and if I want to get better, that’s my only option.

I just want a new day now please…

Monday 12th November 2012

I feel like I have SO much going on – that I don’t have time or energy to do things I need to – like there aren’t enough hours in the day and that I am going to forget things – and miss things and annoy people and I just feel – a bit all over the place and like I am so busy at signal that I can’t do things – like sort out my doctors note – my benefits and everything. I don’t know how to deal with the stress of all that.

I keep feeling guilty about having two hot chocolates and that’s on my mind now –and just having some cereal with my custard, while I was waiting for it to cook  WHY DID I EAT IT? I don’t understand. It’s so much easier when I don’t – it hurts my head less. I keep thinking when I walk to the station too – to keep myself going and not feel emotional that I feel in a total rush the whole time – I just keep hoping and thinking about burning the calories by walking fast. That’s not good is it? I just don’t want to gain weight and I feel all these things are really important in that.

It’s like loads of plates are spinning and I don’t know which to stop first. Or which to fight and which are ok.

Not okay in my own skin

Thighs that rub together and look chunky in tights. That feeling of a bra digging into flesh on my sides. Clothes hanging to my bloated stomach that has suddenly become a lot more prominent than it was. A face that is round and sides that are square, not narrow. Thicker. Wider. Bigger. Heavier.

And it’s all my fault.

That’s how I feel right now. I’m confused. Because I still don’t my allow myself many pure carbs, I rarely have sweets or chocolate. I can’t remember the last time I ate a slice of cake but hey, I’m fine. Not. I blame myself because I have stupid greedy habits, like needing mints or sugar free hard boiled herbals to calm anxiety about getting ill. I have jars of dried fruits that I pick at and I drink two hot chocolates a night out of habit and fear of being hungry over night (hangover from strict anorexia) and I don’t rub, I don’t exercise regularly and I hate myself for it.

It occurred to me at the till in a shop the other day - when a white chocolate kitKat caught my eye. Not only would I not buy it, ever. But that there is often FEWER calories in my evening meal than that chocolate bar. Really. This was something I was going to write down like a friend suggested to make a stock take of anorexic habits - that’s one. Fear of snacks other than fruit or controlled popcorns or seeds.

I can’t explain the disgust I have for myself for eating the bits I do without measuring. The dried fruits, the booze or the extra spoonful of cereal. I just want to Bin it all. I realise this is anorexia. I just don’t actually think I have the tools to accept this is okay.

I shouldn’t have seen the scales the other day. They’re playing on my mind. I don’t know how I’ve eaten the same and gained 3kg - unless it’s the booze, mints and lack of exercise - in which case my overwhelming instinct is to STOP The extra eating and actually move more again. I say I don’t like skeletal, I don’t. I just don’t like being this size either.

Thought splurges and avoiding urges...

I often talk about anorexia in the past tense, like "because I battled with anorexia..." or "when I was ill with anorexia..." and so on, but I know WHY I do that, NOT because I consider myself over it, or fully recovered as some people say, but because it's like I have to justify my illness or recovery.

It's easier to say 'when I was ill' than it is to start explaining the fact that I am not critically ill, or acutely ill, or in need of hospitalization or treatment - but anorexia is still there. I am not underweight or particularly have 'that' all-so-stigmatized 'look' but I still have anorexic issues.

Like for instance going for my bone scan today, thanks anorexia, my bones are getting progressively more shit. I had to say I haven't has periods for 6 years, explain the whole anorexia thing, explain I wasn't pregnant (I wish, but that would need a male involvement too!) and then get weighed, and seeing 3kg more on the scales than I roughly thought. Great. 

I'd already had a headful of shit this morning. My old urges to BIN all the food because I don't like having things like dried fruit or nuts in the house because I eat them as snacks, grazing. I was letting the thoughts of guilt about the lack of running or general exercise spin - I haven't had time to and couldn't be bothered. 

I woke up and body checked and stood infront of the mirror with my bloated belly sticking out just asking (out loud I add) WHY the fuck I have to have this SHITTY body and stomach and why my legs feel fat and why I don;t have the motivation to improve it. I also know my improvements lead to weight loss and that doesn't end well.

I think of all the changes I could make to improve my mental health and not feel these things, but those improvements are 1) cutting down on the non-planned meals or snacks 2) regular exercise 3) new clothes that hide me 4) a boob job (seriously considering it) and just generally hiding. But I know these are anorexia's solutions.

Thing is the healthy solutions, like chilling the FUCK out don't seem viable when I am stuck in this half recovery. The still feel shit. I know someone will comment about how therapy would help me right now, but you know what - they said no again. So don't try. Plus, I know the techniques, I know I have to be open to change thought paths and habits - but I haven't got the faith in me or anyone else to do that. I know I made mistakes by making these habits way back, the ways of compromising with Ana to make life livable.  I made this bed and I am going to have to lie in it aren't I? 

When anorexia takes over afterthoughts

*trigger warning, I talk about calories, please look after your own recovery*

So, last week I pushed myself and my anxieties and produced an international broadcast for work, high pressure, all my planning and with my own standards to hit. I am proud of our coverage and I don't often say that, but I am. I could pick at the bits that could have gone better, but I'm doing the positive thing and learning from them. You wonder where the negatives are coming from then, right?

Well. Me. Food and body. Calories.

Being on the road, in a hotel and eating in restaurants for most of the week means my head is going round and round about how much I have over eaten in the last 7 days. This is where the negatives begin.



Artichoke and Olive Salad in Folkstone.




Tomato soup and bread






Beligum Goats Cheese, Apple and Olive Salad

It's probably the most I've eaten out consecutively in about 7 years, the least control I've had in the last 7 years, the most causal evening drinks I've had and although I estimated calories each meal and day and kept my usual 'tabs' on myself. I just feel grosse.

I feel like I have ballooned. I am the stereotypical 'been away and gained a stone' woman and I hate every inch of it. Really I do.

In reality I'm guessing I ate around 2000 calories each day. And yes, I was busy, travelling, broadcasting and had long days. Around these meals it was porridge pots for breakfast, fruit and M&S salads for lunch or dinner...Regarless, that all feels excessive for me. It does. I know that's the RDA for a 32 year old woman. But I do usually have around 1500 on a daily basis. And no I don't lose weight on that.




It was hard eating abroad and I did challenge myself to order things and pick at bread and sides. I had salads where I could, soup one evening and no, I was in Belgium and didn't have waffles or more than a sample of chocolate. But I feel crap about my orders in some restaurants which were higher calories than what other people ordered. And even 6 days on, I still feel that sense of regret for consuming more calories than I 'needed' to.




That happened yesterday when I went for Sunday Lunch for a friend's mini hen meal, I had a veggie Pattie with the brioche bun and swapped chips for salad and scrapped the onion rings. But I checked the calories AFTERWARDS and it was 1200 for the meal and trimmings. And I wish I'd ordered a salad. I enjoyed the burger but just got that regrets and the 'maths' afterward today working out what the meal i consumed was. It feels like I made the wrong choice.

I am on leave from work this week and although I want to make the most of the down time and rest and visit people the idea of not having my standard food/meals Is bothering me. I feel the GREED needs to stop.


I don't know if I said. But I weighed myself the other week on my neighbour's scales and my weight was pretty stable. Up slightly. Still under 60kg (my original target when at EDU) and no. I'm still not having periods. But my god. I just see the barrel in the Mirror and feel like in need to cover up my body. Don't even talk to me about the formal dresses I need to buy for a few occasions coming up.




It's almost harder that I know this all so logically now and I don't get highly anxious about ordering or eating food, but that doesn't mean anorexia isn't still there. It is. She is.

Was it something I said?

A passing thought for many from time to time, but possibly one of the consuming thoughts I have on a daily, maybe even hourly basis. It's either something I said, did or didn't do or something I am likely to do or say, because, well I always mess it up.

It's not just a thought or two from time to time though. It's everything and more often or not I just can't let it go. I think I must have annoyed someone about something. I don't stop there though, I then go into overdrive thinking about how I can make up for it, or apologise for myself. 

I don't remember not thinking like this though, like I have 'messed up' or done something wrong, worried that it's likely to have annoyed or inconvenienced other people. These are old school thoughts. Of course they've evolved over time. From worrying about friends, family or colleagues, the basis is the same. It's my fault. 

What I do know and feel still is how anorexia will try and try to convince me this is just the way I am. A woman full of mistakes, a woman likely to make mistakes and make other people think as badly of me as she does.

It's the same fault I feel my body is, the same mistakes I worry about when it comes to eating or just being or running. The same way I look for ways to ease the mistakes or fix them. Undo the wrong I have done. The way I look, dress or act in any given situation or environment. That it's not up to standard. Was I too loud? Did I react quickly enough at work, should I have invited other people or could I have done more to help. 

One of my favourite quotes cut out of The Sunday Times for me by my former therapist is an Eleanor Roosevelt one "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do..." Which I can logically get to. Sometimes people's behaviour, moods, actions, conversations, looks or emails are less about ME and more about them, scrap that. They are mostly always about them, not me. But try telling my brain that. Nah-na. 

It's hard to explain the impact this has one me. I know I can't expect perfection, to never say anything or do anything wrong. I can't be firing on all cylinders, keeping everyone happy all the time. It's not even a people pleasing things, like for some. It's like I just don't want people to hate me or have reason to (what my teenage self would say) "slag me off.." or moan about me. 

But the biggest slagger-offer is mysef. And that is painful, because it actually IS something I said, to myself. 

Oh, it's different now, okay?

One thing I find 'this side' of treatment, and by that I mean I'm no longer in treatment, Is it is much harder to express how I feel and how I get on with life. It's actually now six year since I was referred and labelled with this anorexia nervosa thing.


I'm not going to try and kid anybody that I get on with life without any issues. Quite clearly I do have many. In the same way I have never called myself recovered, like some people have when clearly they're not. But nor do I identify with 'being anorexic' any more. I feel like that chapter has gone. Although, do I actively anorexic behaviours? Yes. By that I mean anorexic behaviours like counting calories and body checking, and so on. And yes my own judgement of myself is that my life isn't 'Stereotypically' what society sees as anorexic. I'm just going on my own experience here.


All I know is I feel and act differently to when I first became very ill. My behaviours, thoughts and life is a world apart from when I was actively in treatment. The structure of treatment at EDU means that is always going to be different. But it's also different from when I was just leaving EDU. I have more life around me, I'm more settled and have routines and structure to my life. But the thing is, If I bared all of my thoughts and habits, many of you'd have me rediagnosed (aside from my BMI!).


If I'm honest, no. I don't 'feel like one of those women' - again, THANKS to society - who live life dictated by anorexia or someone who acts on all those thoughts or feelings. I am not. I am not a wallflower or live consumed. But I am someone, like I've always been that finds way to cope and just gets on with those thoughts and just gets on. Until I cry or splurge like this.


I count calories to keep myself in check, and instead of cutting them or restricting more if I feel guilty or worried, I just give myself a hard time about it. I have habits rules and ways of dealing with situations. I hate my body. I feel fat and although I don't know my weight anymore, I was in a healthy BMI and I know i've gained, because my clothes don't fit. I feel disgusted with my stomach STILL for instance. I'm pissed off when people thinner than me have a go at my diet or life habits or preach recovery. Yes. I am jealous sometimes that they get to be 'skinny and happy' - they probably aren't. I feel lazy and shit for not exercising or running. Really lazy and I actually miss that freedom. But I can rarely be arsed either. I want people to tell me I am fat or lazy. Self-fulfilling and all that.


Food wise, okay. There was concern over my 450kcal breakfast being my biggest meal. I get that. I have issues and rules and have problems with SO MANY Foods. Loads of problems. I also am generally healthy and it's not wrong to eat the way I want to eat either, I've been vegetarian and pretty much vegan most of my life, and have food issues not related to ED too. But do I get annoyed at myself for what I consider my bad habits? Yes. I hate that I 'trust' nuts, hot chocolates or dried fruit or handfuls of cereal or allow myself to take up an offer of a sweet. Honestly, I miss my fucked up 'will power' I do. I will eat out if I NEED to, but don't always choose to. Then I usually have a salad. I have the same lunches generally - because I trust them. And when I am out of these routines, I spend more time than normal planning and finding ways to control my food. Like tomorrow, work means I can't have my usual lunch at my usual time and that makes me unsettled. And so on....


Despite all this. I get on. Yes. It's disordered. But in my own ordered way. Maybe it'll happen along the way sometime, when it 'clicks' we are they say. When some time passes or someone comes into my life or whatever. But what I do know is that until that moment, I guess life will continue like this? I know no one else can 'fix this' and that annoys me. The ED services I was referred back to earlier this year said I was doing okay and better than most - and I was too 'therapied out' for general NHS bog-standard talking therapies. Apparently.


So just let me find my path...and you find yours. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this?


x

I don't like it. Any of it.

I am gaining weight. I don't like it.
I am letting myself eat more than 12 months ago. I don't like it.
I am letting myself drink more booze. I don't like it.
I am letting myself buy milky coffees most days.
I eat more nuts and dried fruit again....
I don't like my clothes feeling tighter, or having to buy a bigger size.
I don't like my body at all. Particularly my stomach and bloated torso.
I don't like that I let myself do this.
I hate the fact I have stopped exercising so much.

But I am letting myself do all this within rules. I could bullshit myself and say that I don't feel disordered but I am not in the bullshit game. And on the flipside...

I don't like that I still have SO MANY food rules.
I am stopping doing things I like. I don't like it.
I hate that I still count calories. But I do it.
I hate that my negative self talk win.
I hate that my life is still organised by food.
I am too sensitive and I don't like it.

But none of this is all-consuming. Just consuming sometimes. It ebbs and flows and feels like it used to back in the days before anorexia took control. Just frustrated and scathing of myself. Blaming myself for all of this, not knowing how to fix it.

I don't even feel like I can even BE anorexic and know turning that way doesn't fix things in the long run. I don't like not thinking I have options.

I don't like this half life. But the first list means I am stuck here.

Living by the rule book

What I was given yesterday was permission to publish version two of the anorexic rule book that I've learnt to live by. A redrafted edition.

It's not like the edition I lived by back then, not like it was before. By giving me this permission in my head -is basically stating that I am okay and can be 'content' and cope with living within the restrictions this rule book states. It's normal and okay that I still put these controls on my life. What I don't get there is that she can't see that I opened up and said the reason I can't commit to therapy fully, give my self over and burn the book - is not because I am not fed up with the way I'm living, I am. I'm too addicted to the rules and I know they hold me back. But it's about trust. I don't trust anyone at all that it can be different for me. I also need to turn pages carefully because of the commitment I have to my life too. By that I mean work, mortgage and my plans.

It's just yet more proof services take their eye off the ball when you've got a high-functioning mental illness. When you're able to read and live by anorexic rules day to day to cope with life, but when you're able to be a 'rebel' and break the rules from time to time.


It's like eating disorders services are almost relieved that one of me comes along now and then. Self aware enough to write my own rules to cope, with the awareness that going back to volume one is NOT the life I want or need. But still not being able to put the rules down.

Unable to trust myself or my body to cope without them. Worried that living without them would be too much to bear. Apparently, when I can't break the rules any more and my life is governed by them completely, that's when they'll help me put it down.

I was sat there, admitting that I still live by the rule book, still count calories, still hate my body, still hate when I break them, still control everyone and everything I can to stick to them - and still know I'd be better with help to get rid of the book - but nothing.

Apparently, It's my fault for not trusting that burning the book would be the best thing to do. Maybe I needed help lighting the match and watching the pages burn...but I don't have a light, that's why I went back, but they can't help.

So I'll keep the book under my pillow for now. I need it like in needed a security blanket as a child. After all, I am able to break the rules from time to time. So what harm does keeping the book do? Really.

Hmmm.

(Un)comfortably Numb

There are a few things swirling through my head this morning and I need to get them out: 

1) I feel UNCOMFORTABLE in my skin today, clothes are digging in, they feel tighter, It feels like I have to hide my body, I body checked and 'feel' like a 'barrel' and bloated.

2) I feel UNCOMFORTABLE not being able to identify how I feel.

3) Everything feels a little NUMB.

*Yes, feelings are not facts, blah blah. I know this. 

As for the numbness. My best friend and I were trying to get our heads around this one over coffee yesterday morning. We're both on headmeds, and know that can make a difference to this. In taking out the high anxiety or low mood, they leave us both feeling a little middle-ground, a little, well numb. I can see why they're not always given to people recovering from anorexia though, as for every time they take the edge of anxiety - they take the edge of any motivation to see the NEED to eat more, exercise less or keep myself in 'check' with the lessons recovery taught me. 

But this numbness bothers me - and comforts me at the same time.

Reality is that to me, I am being lazy and greedy recently. I've exercised a lot less, not been for a run for more than two months, I've spent more time at home, doing things like watching TV or pottering around. This feels uncomfortable, but I struggle to find the motivation to put on my trainers or go out.

Don't gasp in horror or shock, it's obvious, but I still track calories more than I possibly should do. Recently, I've been more relaxed about seeing the total at the end of the day rise. A good thing you say? In my head it still isn't. Most people would tell me that I don't consume enough per-day, but in all honesty, I hate a) that it's a high as it is - but I don't know why? b) I honestly feel like I am a secret eater, because my weight isn't going down and c) I assume the secret eating 'tops up' and takes me to RDA. I wish sometimes I could just blurt out how much I eat, what I eat, my weight blah, because it would stop the hypothesise of others'. Yes, I still feel like this five years on. 

"But it's good that you put on weight" said the best friend yesterday...well, it STILL doesn't feel like that to me. It feels like, NOTHING. Numb. I don't want to lose, or gain or think about it. So I block it out. Probably not helpful, but what is? I guess it's helpful that I don't ACTUALLY know what I weigh - I stopped my monthly weigh-ins in November, so of by accident, sort of because I don't like seeing it go up. I am not in a dangerous BMI, I am not overweight. I give and shit and don't care at the same time. 

Many of you know that I went back for a few sessions at the EDU, well they've written suggesting that I DONT need the services, and need to decide my next move if anxiety is the issue. The private therapist I was seeing through my employer can't see me anymore - you only get 6 sessions. The general talking therapies counsellor told me I was too complex (it's how I ended up back at EDU). But the thing is, I can't be arse with any of it, because things are sort of comfortable.

But what niggles at me is that they're sort of comfortable, because they're comfortably numb.

Riding the recovery waves

I'm here, I'm still here, swimming, promise.

A few people have messaged me asking if I was okay, seeing how the new meds were going, checking that I'm still swimming forward. Thank you for reaching out, all of you. I've been riding waves. 

I'm still swimming, I'm still staying afloat, but it's not been plain sailing. There have been some rough seas and I'm not quiet out of the riptide yet. I'm just thankful, I guess, that I have the strength and skills to keep my stroke going through this. Navigating each wave as it hits me. 

So, what's going on in these waters? 

Well, the first few weeks on the headmeds saw me up and down, feeling emotional and paranoid. I thought I'd made the wrong choice to be honest, should an anti-anxiety drug REALLY be making me worry MORE about what people thought of me? I thought not. However, 50 days in, and I seem to have gotten used to them. Although, I really don't feel much different. I am still worried about the same things, still not fully confident in embracing challenges to anorexic rules, still worried about gaining weight and still not able to relax. 

I went for a session at my local well-being clinic, for some counselling -  that was part of the deal at the Doctors. I get meds and a booster shot of 'How do you feel about that..." And to be honest, blah, they were honest, given the therapy I had at the EDU, there was VERY little they could help me with. I think the word was, "too complex" with anxiety still so connected with the hangover of anorexia, that I was too much for their little brains! So, here goes the referral BACK to EDU. Hmmm. 

That is where I am at. Waiting for my assessment back at the clinic I swore I'd never walk back into. With a psychiatrist I haven't seen before, but am aware of. It all feels a little strange. Weird because I don't feel like I need to go there. Yes, my weight is lower than when I was last there - but am I in the same place? No way. I have bought a house, kept up work, been in a relationship for almost a year and I have been running and not running in balance. Much better.

On the outside. On the inside, underwater, what thoughts often creep up? Well, I worry about my imperfections still, I don't like not planning my food, I very rarely eat out, I still haven't let the boyfriend cook me dinner, I still count calories and worry about over-eating. I don't like change and I don't like surprises. I still worry about what people think of me, still don't like my body. I can be too thin and too fat at the same time. All of the above. In waves.

And that is how I am 'ok' and not at the same time. I am not drowning in anyone of those thoughts. They are not always at the front of my mind, but they come and go in waves. Splashing me in the face and making my nose tingle like when I used to somersault in the water as a little girl. It's little reminders that I haven't fully stepped out of the ocean and on to the shore - however close I get, I just stay in here for one more minute. Just in case.

Maybe this time, a little more help - and my beach hut, warm towel and ice cream cone will be ready at the other side. And I'll walk in and enjoy it? 

Riding the recovery waves

I'm here, I'm still here, swimming, promise.

A few people have messaged me asking if I was okay, seeing how the new meds were going, checking that I'm still swimming forward. Thank you for reaching out, all of you. I've been riding waves. 

I'm still swimming, I'm still staying afloat, but it's not been plain sailing. There have been some rough seas and I'm not quiet out of the riptide yet. I'm just thankful, I guess, that I have the strength and skills to keep my stroke going through this. Navigating each wave as it hits me. 

So, what's going on in these waters? 

Well, the first few weeks on the headmeds saw me up and down, feeling emotional and paranoid. I thought I'd made the wrong choice to be honest, should an anti-anxiety drug REALLY be making me worry MORE about what people thought of me? I thought not. However, 50 days in, and I seem to have gotten used to them. Although, I really don't feel much different. I am still worried about the same things, still not fully confident in embracing challenges to anorexic rules, still worried about gaining weight and still not able to relax. 

I went for a session at my local well-being clinic, for some counselling -  that was part of the deal at the Doctors. I get meds and a booster shot of 'How do you feel about that..." And to be honest, blah, they were honest, given the therapy I had at the EDU, there was VERY little they could help me with. I think the word was, "too complex" with anxiety still so connected with the hangover of anorexia, that I was too much for their little brains! So, here goes the referral BACK to EDU. Hmmm. 

That is where I am at. Waiting for my assessment back at the clinic I swore I'd never walk back into. With a psychiatrist I haven't seen before, but am aware of. It all feels a little strange. Weird because I don't feel like I need to go there. Yes, my weight is lower than when I was last there - but am I in the same place? No way. I have bought a house, kept up work, been in a relationship for almost a year and I have been running and not running in balance. Much better.

On the outside. On the inside, underwater, what thoughts often creep up? Well, I worry about my imperfections still, I don't like not planning my food, I very rarely eat out, I still haven't let the boyfriend cook me dinner, I still count calories and worry about over-eating. I don't like change and I don't like surprises. I still worry about what people think of me, still don't like my body. I can be too thin and too fat at the same time. All of the above. In waves.

And that is how I am 'ok' and not at the same time. I am not drowning in anyone of those thoughts. They are not always at the front of my mind, but they come and go in waves. Splashing me in the face and making my nose tingle like when I used to somersault in the water as a little girl. It's little reminders that I haven't fully stepped out of the ocean and on to the shore - however close I get, I just stay in here for one more minute. Just in case.

Maybe this time, a little more help - and my beach hut, warm towel and ice cream cone will be ready at the other side. And I'll walk in and enjoy it? 

In Sickness and in (less) Health

Well, when I say in health, I sort of mean less health, more illness. 

Since the start of the year I've been getting a cough and cold and feeling totally exhausted and wiped-out more that I ever have, well, at least in a very long time. But why?

If I take a moment for a reality check, I'll tell you where my finger points. My weight?

It can't be complete coincidence that since Autumn my weight dropped and THEN I started getting viruses can it? That my weight dropped and I ended up needing an ambulance at work is it? As much as part of my head (the anorexic part) thinks all this is a load of BS. I need to get a grip here.

I DESPISE being ill. I mean, sickness, obviously with emetophobia, but generally feeling under-the-weather or having coughs and colds really increases my anxiety. Therefore, I've always been thankful that I've never been that prone to picking up bugs. Until now. 

It's one thing after another, and I know there are loads of nasty ones around this Winter. Not the type that knock you off your feet for a week viruses, but the lingering type, which strike when you've had a few nights bad sleep or a rough day. Yep, those. 

Well, I am ill again and it's got me thinking. I get PLENTY of fruit and vegetables in, I take my vits etc, I am obsessed with my hand sanitiser and cleaning down my desk. So, it must be my body, unable to fight things off as well as it used to. 

I resent being ill. Like really hate it. Because I can't explain or manage my anxiety well when I feel like this either, I just want to be alone. It's like I am disgusted at being ill and scared that I'll pass it on - or that I will get more ill if someone is here. So, I stay alone THEN get anxious that I am alone and feel really vulnerable and lonely. 

I guess I need to find a way to restore some weight soon, like five kilos. Because I want to have the health to get my trainers back on, because running has been hard since my chesty cough, and because I just need to NOT get ill this much. But seriously, I am not sure HOW to do that anymore. 

It's a bitter pill (or Lemsip) to swallow but I need to if I am going to be fully well at some point this year. I've got to do it somehow. Because if I got something like a serious tummy bug (worst.fear.ever) I'd end up in hospital, because my weight would drop from the fear of eating. 

I am leaving myself vulnerable and open to more illness and less health if I don't. And I know it. 

The downs and ups of life and scales

Or should I be more honest, and say the downs?  Yes, Let's go with that for now. Not downs, as in emotionally, but downs, drops, falls in weight. 

Let me set the scene again, I stopped seeing my dietician Ms. F more than 18 months ago now, I left the eating disorders unit a year later, back in May 2015. Fully discharged after three months of step-down sessions. Back in 2011 when I was admitted in a blur of anorexia, and started the long, long road of recovery, a target weight of 60-odd kilos was floated around, knowing realistically, ideally in their eyes it'd be a bit more.

The bit between August '11 and now is pretty much what this blog is. Let's not go over and over all that and let's fast forward to now shall we?  

When I left the EDU and waved farewell to Dr. B we put plans in place for monitoring my weight, without falling down the trap of getting scales at home. That's been successful and works for me. Once a month I get up and go to the leisure centre and jump on the public scales. Yes, there is still a routine there, I won't eat before hand, I do wear the same outfit and it plays on my mind the week and days before, but it doesn't consume me. 

But it's when we dig down to the facts, numbers, digits and what that means to me, it's where it's less clear than the routine I've now established to gain them.

When I last stepped on the scales at Kinver, my weight wasn't 'quite' where they would have liked it. I stepped off and was very blase with Dr B about being able to push on, fully recover and do the last bit myself. Not blase in a 'I'll get away with anything I want' rebellious, let anorexia takeover way - I don't want that. But more-so in a 'it doesn't matter...it'll happen as life happens' sort of way. Quite frankly, I didn't care. But also had a niggle of 'I'm fine at this weight thank you...' For now at least.

But that's the thing. I was fine at that weight, but I'm no longer that weight. 

It's lower. Whether I like it or not, whether it's intentional or not, whether I think I look it or not, whether I feel it or not. It is lower. 

Now, it's NOT been intentional, but I'm not kidding myself, I feel better about it being lower, than I know I would if it had gone UP the same amount. I haven't consciously sat down, colluded with anorexia and had an urge to LOSE weight. At all. That much I know. But that's also dangerous, because I can quite happily live like that, because I don't feel restrictive and restricted. 

Do I like it? I don't like the fact that I know other people will judge me, and whether they are honest to my face about it. It's just easier to swallow than gains. 

As for thinking I look and feel five kilos lighter than a year ago? Not. a. Chance. 

I just don't, In fact, over Christmas my weight went down slightly again, a few grammes, but still down. But I spent some of December feeling the old, greedy, gluttonous, unhealthy, piggy thoughts. But it was down. Do I BELIEVE the number. Well I am not blind I can SEE a lower number on my little print out, I know the digits are fewer than the ones in November. I get it. But I also don't. 

I have always fallen into the trap that I think LOWER weigh-ins are the anomalies, this has been the case throughout recovery. Gains felt forever, losses felt temporary. I still have this mindset about  my weight and that's how I've wound up here I think. Every month I've told myself it wouldn't be the case next month, so I just carried on the same. Not restricting more, not counting calories any more closely, not eating more, not reducing exercise, but also not increasing it. I KNOW there are things Ms F. and I worked hard to put back in my diet, which since leaving I've not eaten in a 'no big deal' way, I am aware this is how it's dropped. That's were I'm realistic in how recovered I am.

Every month just believing because I DON'T FEEL or SEE anything BETTER or THINNER or LIGHTER in the mirror, because I don't feel any different in my own skin, or feel any more comfortable in my own skin. 

I've just carried on as I was - not trapped, clinging on to ED, but not massively challenging or moving any further away either. Just generally keeping things the same. 

But if we take the cold hard numbers. They are down. I'm not out, but they are down. But the thing is now, what am I going to do about it? Hm.

Ex-haus-ted emotional explainations

I'm finding it really hard to explain emotions and thoughts at the moment. Hard to explain to myself, let alone anyone else. I don't know if it's because I've not been well this week, with a nasty cough or just that I'm still tired after all the hype of Christmas and the stress I was under at work in the run-up to the festivities. I'm just feeling emotionally tied up with emotions, and can't explain it.

It's just getting harder to explain why it's not just a lack of sleep that's exhausting me. It's explaining my emotional reactions that's wearing me out too. Explaining how being positive is tiring sometimes. Just being around people is tiring. It's especially hard to put into context to people I care about, who didn't know me when I was ill - the people I want to let in to my world. Where do you start, right - maybe they should read this whole blog? 

I know, I don't always HAVE to explain, and most of the time it's a completely wasted effort. Not everyone is going to have the time, inclination or capability to understand. Let's be honest, how much can any of us (mental illness or not) tap into each other's emotions and fully 'get it'? Not a lot. 

But when you do add suffering with anxiety and recovering from an eating disorder, it takes the whole emotional explanation thing to another level. I could read all the Pintrest quotes in the world about drowning, feeling low, slipping, giving up. I just don't feel like that. I feel like just need space, time and energy to figure it out - and I'll be okay and able to cope. But I'm guilty of getting a constant compulsion to understand and explain, then explain my responses...

Let's use some current examples shall we?

How do I explain that waking up, and coughing so much that I find myself heaving over the toilet, with vomit in my mouth isn't just an unpleasant start to the day for someone with emetophobia? It sends my head spinning in all-sorts of directions. Which, of course, through years of therapy I try to think logically about - but that alone takes emotional energy. That coughing and being ill makes me anxious, snappy and not the Sarah I know myself to be now. I still don't like not feeling well, not on a normal level, but on an extra imperfection level. It frustrates, angers and bothers me more than it should. It always has - it also bothers me that I need to explain this. 

How do I explain that feeling bloated, 'fat' and horrible in my own skin - and not knowing why - means I don't want to get dressed, let alone let anyone touch, see or hug me? That I am still so unsure of what I look like, how I appear, if I look fat or thin or nothing at all to people. Christ, I don't even know how I look to myself in the mirror. How do I tell people that KNOW my current weight, I know that it's too low, that I still don't have periods, that it dropped since leaving EDU and that I need to do something about it. But I am not. That despite NOT trying to lose weight consciously - I struggle to fully accept I have lost weight at all - and that gaining it back scares me. That I look around and see diets, and peoples' bodies looking amazing from working out and compare, crave and criticize myself...that I still don't like my body - that I am numb to the numbers anyway.  

How does someone who's still not fully-recovered from anorexia explain that she needs her safe eating zone. That eating out with unknown calories or in front of people just seems too much? That I don't want to try new foods, let someone cook for me or eat 'junk food' because I'm under the weather. Because that alone causes stress and more anxiety than I was already feeling. That I count calories, but don't. Related to the needed weight-gain, how do I explain that I fully understand HOW to eat to restore weight - what foods I NEED to increase in my diet, but knowing and doing are two VERY different things. How do I explain the difference between what I DON'T eat, WISH I ate or used to eat, then didn't, then did again, then stopped eating again - let alone why? I don't even know myself what' going on there. We KNOW this whole food game is a tricky one. 

How do I explain that office politics exhaust me? That people taking about changes exhausts me. All that change, and trying to work-out people's emotional reactions to it exhausts me. I know I can't control other peoples' feelings - nor do I want to - but it still wears me out trying to establish where I fit into that. When I don't fully understand something - or my role, or how something works - I exhaust myself trying to figure it out. On top of that, I worry about the poor way I react to this stress sometimes. I am still learning HOW best to explain that I am okay, and not - this is work-in-progress here too. 

When someone 'gets' why these things are 'big' to deal with in my mind, when no explanation is needed, when they don't even have to ask. I can be with them, I can cope Sometimes even then, I just need to be alone with my mind, to clear the space in my head. Don't we all?

But with my life NOW, compared to when I was in treatment it's so much harder to do that. Back then my walls were SO high, that it was easy to find that empty space. I didn't see people, I lived alone, I didn't need (or want) to be around others - let alone share my emotions with them. I don't want the walls that high again, it was agony. That's where I'm smarter that anorexia nowadays. But it's really hard to adjust to letting people through the door. That's BEFORE I even begin to explain all this to them, or adjust to taking in their emotional reactions too - which I end up feeling is all my fault* (*here begins the spiral into blame and disliking myself)

Now, when I constantly feel like I need to explain the inexplicable before I understand it myself - I tie myself in knots. I don't even know where to start sometimes. I just end up draining myself even more. I haven't got the emotional energy to do that at the moment. 

Yes, all this is so emotionally exhausting. Yet it's not something sleep will ever fix - but something I keep trying to explain....and so it continues. And so I keep coughing. 

When's a habit a behaviour or a decision a deal?

It'll come as no surprise that I've always been a creature of habit. But when a large chunk of your life has been spent with unhealthy habits, sometimes the comfort of said habits is actually doing more harm than help. 

What I still struggle with is the internal debate on where the line is on habits and eating disordered behaviours actually comes. With the routine and habits that on one hand I see as 'just getting on with life' but on the other are maintaining a semi-recovered status quo. 

Remember those 'no big deals' I battled early in recovery? The NDB habits which Ms. F and Mrs W. challenged everyday when I altered, switched or left bits off my meal plan? Well I guess I should have challenged them more back then, because they're so natural to do.

It's not like the behaviours - or habits - cause me distress or upset though. But I wouldn't know if challenging them does, because I don't do it very often. That's the thing. I do just get on with life. But does that life include controlling my diet, avoiding high calorie 'junk' food and having rules around when I am 'allowed' or 'not allowed' to 'treat' myself by eating out or adding a bread roll? Yes. 

So how is that recovered I hear you ask? Easy, it's not, because I am not free to eat what I want, when I fancy it. I am not free from guilt and I feel like I need to 'earn' those treats. Do I feel guilty for eating or bad when people point out how much, or what I eat or if I think people look 'healthier' than me. Yes. 

But on the other hand, do I WANT to include most of the foods I don't have in my diet? No not really. So this is the conundrum I am in. With no 'weight restoration' plan or dietitian setting out 'challenges' to test anorexia, I don't - or feel the urge to - I just have these habits. My diet. 

I do jut get on with life, but life where I eat lots of salads and 'meat' (Quorn) and have the same 400 calorie breakfast, similar lunches and rotated dinners everyday. I have basket loads of fruit a week and pile my plate with veggies. I eat the same suppers, custard or soya yoghurt with dried fruit and granola for supper. Every. Single. Day. Unless of course, I eat out with colleagues or friends. Once or twice a month. There's some calories I don't count, some things I don't even think about anymore, but I wish I had tried harder to erase the mental calorie 'rough guide' I started when I stopped obsessing. Because that's my guide everyday.

Like I've mentioned in previous posts since discharge, I never hit the golden target weight I was first set, I was a kilo or two under (but in a healthy BMI for a year). And since starting life outside the EDU, my weight's not plummeted, but I have not gained over that number either. The thought of the month I get on the scales and I am that target, scares me. I know this is not right, ok?

But then again, are these just all habits I'm stuck with in an 'anorexia hangover' - or are they behaviours that still control my life? This is the debate I still have. The deals I still do? I don't know. I just get on with living with them and try to ignore food thoughts - and don't really tell people HOW I feel anymore. I just fit them in my routine and try to cope. 

Farewell, it's been emotional. But I'm not.

Almost four years after being shipped back to my home town under the cloud of confusion of the deadly downfall into my eating disorder, I'm here. I've reached the eve of my farewell to the hospital that's helped me save my life. 

I had no idea it would take so long, after all, back then I didn't even believe that I was ill at all, let alone be as ill as I was. Four years ago my eating disorder had swallowed my entire life. I was desperate, trapped, holding on to something I thought was the answer to all my worries, problems and desires all wrapped into one. Oh, how wrong I was. 

It's been a rocky road, like anyone who's recovered from anorexia will understand - and anyone who's supported a friend or family though recovery will recall. It makes my head spin to sit here tonight to try and sum it up, it's almost impossible, so I won't really begin. It's been horrible, painful, agonising, confusing, amazing, eye opening, exhilarating and extremely emotional. And everything in between. 

Although on the eve of my discharge from the unit, I'm feeling anything BUT emotional about it. 

I always thought I'd be feeling like I understood myself at this point, like I'd really hit a milestone, that discharge would be like a dissertation or something. Like I'd get a big tick, a mark, feedback on how I'd performed. That I could call it a success. Complete. But it's not like that.

My appointment is actually before work tomorrow, I'll probably go, be asked how I've been during my three months without treatment (I've done okay actually) I'll ask lots of questions, be asked lots too - and not really know how to answer. Then that will be that I guess, 

To be honest, I feel guilty about not being as upset or emotional about not seeing them again. My gosh, when Mrs W left, I was an emotional wreck. but I guess that's the whole point, back then my life was my eating disorder, then my life was my recovery and now that level of emotion has gone from the process. 

Life has sort of been cross fading from the last four years into my future. 

I was always told I would begin to use the tools I've been taught by my team on my own eventually. I never believed them. But now it's starting to make sense. The more I use them, the better skilled I'll become at getting through life, carving my own way. There is a sense deep down that the reason I'm not nervous about moving on is because I don't think my use of these tools have REALLY been tested yet - so I don't really know how I will react. But I will live and learn how to soon enough I guess.

I know that I've not had to deal with weight gain on my own yet, I still don't eat the foods I find challenging very often. I know that I avoid stressful food situations and need to be in control of most of my meals. But as a friend said to me earlier today, I am aware of my behaviour, and know what I am doing and where the line is. And he's right. I fully understand when the tools need to be used. It's only when I step through the next entrance, only when I walk this path that I'll learn how to use them like a pro. 

So, whether tomorrow ends up being an emotional affair or not, it will finally be farewell. A door closing on that chapter of my life. That much I know. 

Is it about time I turned a page?

I've been contemplating the corner of this page for a while not sure if I dare peak ahead or not, but I think I know what the next chapter starts with already...

"Life isn't perfect and recovery isn't a destination" Would be probably be the title of the chapter, or something along those lines. 

Although what makes me feel a tad sick is the fact I've always held on to the hope that I would swim ashore some place in recovery and everything would be sorted. I wouldn't hate my body, I'd eat what I wanted and not compare myself to others. But the longer I've been on this journey, the more I've come to understand that might never all arrive at once. 

I'll get to the point. I've always been kept afloat, or encouraged to keep turning pages, by Mrs W, Ms F. and for the past 18 months by Dr. B, which I've needed thus far. I've needed them to read to me at times too. However, it's felt recently more like I am just not bothering to read at all. 

So am I wasting their time, when they could be reading to someone else, someone who needs that comforting sound of being read to more than I?

I do pick up the book and focus sometimes, go over the punchlines and headlines to get me through, but I sort of know the chapters and pages by heart now. I can recite them when I get the time. The thing that's keeping me where I am, are the niggling thoughts that I haven't REALLY understood every page I've read up to now. Even when I have, I can't say I like those chapters or want to refer back to them. Let me explain...

..I still don't particularly like the idea of this 'free' eating thing, and I still know the calorie content book more word-for-word than the mindful eating manta. I feel guilty about enjoying foods. I can't say I like my body, and yes, I still think I need a way to fix it. I still get anxious about mistakes and mishaps and if I wanted children tomorrow I couldn't have them. 

That aside, I don't FEEL anorexic now. I don't think 'anorexically', I am a healthy BMI, although not 'quite' at mid-range target (Yes, that's a BMI of 22ish) and I generally focus on other parts of life for 90 per cent of the time. Which makes reading chapters with Dr B feel like I'm wasting his time when I see him. Like I already know the end of the story anyway.

However, the reason I'm not turning the corner is I also feel like I am reading ahead and that closing the book fully would mean I crave rereading it. It also feels like a bit of a disappointment. Like I was hoping the final chapter would be the best, and yet it's not feeling that way. I sort of also feel I have skim read a chapter or two, and never quite finished the book....

Despite being sick of the same old story, and reading 10 other books at the same time, putting down the recovery book NOW would make me feel like there was always more I could ha.........................