Let’s just look at where we are!

As much as I try not to look back, reflect and look forward and set myself so many resolutions at this time of year,  truth is I like doing it and I actually find it quite helpful (as long as I don’t beat myself up about not sticking to it midyear and at this time next year!)

In terms of 2017 I guess I achieved quite a lot. I really got into my allotment and feel like I made a success of it, which I am really proud of, and miss it now it’s winter! I finally got my staff contract at the BBC which I’ve been aiming for since I got back to work, I took on more responsibility at work and challenge myself things I couldn’t do which includes taking a radio show to Belgium and going on tour for a week, which challenged me professionally and personally. It’s hard not to see the win in that isn’t it? I challenged myself to make plans and keep the more in 2017 and to not get freaked out about being out of routine. I’m not gonna lie this is not come easy at all and it’s caused me internal anxiety but I feel that this can only get better? I know I have a long way to go and half the stuff that goes on in my head especially last year isn’t healthy and it’s holding me back but it’s all about progress not perfection right?

At the very end of 2017 I went on an unplanned date and it seems to have been the right choice!? It was totally unplanned as I’ve maintained for a long time that I was happy single. But in the last six weeks I have eaten out, I have seen him unexpectedly, I have cooked for him and eating at a restaurant that he chose and I had no idea where I was going all the food I was eating. For those who know what I was like with my ex, after even a year I haven’t cooked for him or let him choose a restaurant. Let’s see how this goes in 2018!

Honestly, I’m not sure how much progress I have made in recovery in 2017, because it all seems very different to how I did in previous years. I know I struggled a lot With the guilt of not running and pulling out of races and doing less exercise. This has meant that I have gained weight and I can see it in my body shape and I’m not gonna lie the end of 2017 has been hard to except my changing body. The beginning of 2018 has not made this any easier. I still feel better when I am exercising and running but I’m not sure why I feel better? So I need to sit with this thought and work out what is going on. I feel like I should be running but I also like running will leave that there for now! I have gone back to yoga and about with is expensive and I feel guilty about spending money on it it’s really bloody good for me.

I am not going to sit here and make recovery resolutions about gaining weight, making progress in mental recovery, or pledge to let anorexia have less control over me, and so on. Because I don’t know where to start!

Mainly because recovery is not that structured any more. I don’t actually think I can plan that any more. I know what I need to work on and I’m very aware of how I still let my eating disorder control me and the bits I think I like. It’s probably going to be a case of riding the waves of 2018 and seeing which ones wash up those habits on different shores. A long time ago I wrote a blog on just keeping swimming and I guess as 2018 starts that’s all I can do.

Secure in my insecurities

It seems I've been able to free up space in my head from anorexia (which, of course, is what recovery is about.) But it's being quickly replaced by all my old insecurities, worries, anxieties and self-doubts.

It's disheartening to be honest. One can't help but be left thinking 'I thought this was going to be better this side of recovery?' You know, that the insecurities would be significantly less once anorexia took a back seat again? Wishful thinking perhaps, regardless, and true to form, I'm worried they're not. 

Don't get me wrong here, therapy is working. I'm so much more aware of the thoughts and feelings than I was before, which really does help. That awareness means the thoughts bubble away, but don't blow up. But it doesn't mean they haven't stuck around.  

However, instead of constantly worrying about what to eat and what I have eaten recently, or pondering over the number of kilos I weigh, I've defaulted back to worrying about what people think, how to fix things, what I've done wrong and how I can be good enough. I don't know which is worse. 

Obviously the latter is 'older' than the first set of worries, which also make them harder to shift. And like I mentioned in a previous post it's those thoughts that are harder to turn down on that internal mix tape. 

It's like I'm back at square one sometimes. Worrying about upsetting people, worrying about the future, all the what if's, my need to maintain a status quo where things are always going well. It's my obsession with improvement and the fixation on fixing. It's the doubt in myself and the problems I create in my head, then dwell on. It's the competition, the race and the fights I worry are going on around me. It's that constant overwhelming worry that I've done something wrong. It's the lack of trust in things working out. It's the insecurity in me. 

Like I said, the awareness helps. I have the skills I've gained in recovery to challenge these thoughts, to remind myself that the biggest doubter of me, is in fact me. I remind myself that each day is a new day and that people seldom think about others, so I'm probably flying solo in my concerns. I know I can turn things around and as important as learning from mistakes is, I don't need to be perfect, instantly. I know this.

But I still want to be okay. I want everything to be okay. I am okay in some ways.

However, that niggling, self-doubt, that overwhelming feeling of not being good enough lingers. The clash between doing well, starting to believe it'll all work out and being terrified I've messed up or WILL inevitably mess up is mentally exhausting. Especially with the added hangover from anorexia claiming it would sort it all out too. 

I just wish I BELIEVED I was good enough to believe that 'it' (nor me) need fixing, that I was able to 'Let it Be' and just live without being so god damn insecure. 

Jog on

"I run because it makes me happy, reduces anxiety and helps my recovery...and definitely not to burn calories...."

How many times have we heard this from someone trying to recover from anorexia? I am guilty myself of spinning the line on more than one occasion. I'm not being a hypocrite here, just being honest - I've lived this 'phase' of recovery. But luckily for me and my health I called my own bullshit on running, before I wound back completely at square one. 

Yes, okay, I abused exercise during my crash, burn-out and free fall into my illness, and some people didn't, and never have. We are all different on different journeys, yeah, we know that. But I really can't get my head around just how many recovering anorexics claim that they've some how miraculously snapped out of calorie-driven, low weight, walk-anywhere-to-burn-10-calories frame of mind  into 'running brings me freedom' state of peace and tranquillity in the space of weeks. If you have, gosh, I'm all ears. 

I'm sorry, I just don't buy it. You're HONESTLY telling me that on your 5, 10 or 25k runs you don't think about calories, losing 'just a little bit' or the fact that you know the training run you're doing at your 17.5BMI is burning, oh, roughly say, 356 calories? (More if you take the route that's slightly uphill?) Lets be honest, we both know you're not eating and EXTRA 356 calories to replace that energy you've used either are you? 

It's not only the inner monologue, but the comparing and competing ones too. Correct me if I am wrong, but anorexia is a tad competitive as illnesses go, isn't it? Don't you think I'll take your 5k Color Run and raise you a Great North Run comes into it too? Your 'recovery buddy' runs a 10k and you sign up to your local half marathon? Coincidence? 

I know I do it. I know I see 'friends' post pictures of their trainers, medals and finishers tee's and think 'Sarah you lazy bitch' get your trainers on and go and beat them. Show them you are harder, faster, stronger, better...do it, you can do it. But then I shake myself. I am in recovery. Not recovered.

I am okay with my truth right now, I'm glad I found it after a dabble at running more often. Trust me,  I'd love to be out there, pounding the pavements with you, running races and you know what? When I do run, I can run. I used to run  - fast. I will also run again, October actually, but this time I won't train alone and I will be replacing every last calorie I burn with each step, I've learnt the hard way how anorexia can ruin running. Twice.

But actually, back to honesty. I know my truth right now. I know when I run I eat less, because I feel like I should. When I run, I don't replace the calories used during said run. I take too much notice of times, calories burnt, splits and what distances others' are doing too. 

Everytime I see your training run, your race day pictures or your 'I'm super-recovery girl' now posts, I don't push myself to compete with you any more. I sit back, and remind myself of my truth and hope that you listen to yours too. And listen hard, before you run straight back to the eating disorders ward, with the others who thought they could jog on with anorexia as their coach. 

NB* This isn't to say some people CAN'T run healthily and fight off the 'anorexic coach' during recovery. Some people do, but we will all know our own paths and truths. I know mine, I'm still looking for a new running coach, any offers?