While my head quietly spins

I used to suffer from panic attacks, the sort where my body trembled, I could focus on nothing bar the trigger of my panic, it was clear for all to see. I was the girl with anxiety issues and it was obvious. 

In social situations I'd either a) worry for months about going, then not go to avoid panicking or b) I'd go and have to hide or leave after not being able to control the anxiety spin. That was the story of my socialising experiences from the age of 7. Be a meal out, a day out, two-week holiday or a school trip. Of course, I learnt to cope or avoid from an early age, so actually, as much as I know life could have been MORE enjoyable, I'd not been a hermit! 

Things have changed now though. Thankfully, I've not had a full-blown panic attack for years, but that doesn't mean I panic though. I see 'getting though events' as a tick-box, despite craving the enjoyment and for good times to last. So, inside, I might not be filled with terror or paralysing fear of situations, I rarely am, but my GOD I worry.

Wow, do I worry. 

What's worse is I TRY to keep the worry in and cope. I try to be normal. But my head takes me somewhere else. It quietly spins. When most people are embracing the moment, I am worrying about the food I've eaten, what I look like, what I've said, what I am (and what I am not) how I come across. I compare myself to those around me, I envy people's calmness, their clothes, their skin and their lives. Don't tell me I should stop comparing. I know "comparison is the thief of joy..." and all that. 

So what am I trying to say, why does my head quietly spin? That I don't know. But what I do know is that I am REALLY guilty of taking it out on those closest to me. Projection, getting snappy because people can't sense my spinning. I think they should be mind readers, obviously. I wish I didn't do it, and then what's more, I wish I could explain. 

If anyone is the same as me, and has a fairly robust 'brave face' and can turn the confidence on, you'll know what I mean when I say it's sometimes harder than being an outwardly anxious (or avoider) type. It's like I let it all build up, going round and round and round my head then purge the emotions.

I find a quiet moment to try and explain to someone and CAN'T effectively do it, because I don't understand myself sometimes. Not only that, there are thoughts I don't WANT to explain sometimes. I realise this makes me really hard to be around sometimes, I hate it. It's about being in control, I know it is. It's about the fact that my insecurities eat me alive sometimes. It's about seeing myself though negative eyes still. 

Basically sometimes, instead of panic attacks these days, I just let my brain remind me of how I should be.  

Secure in my insecurities

It seems I've been able to free up space in my head from anorexia (which, of course, is what recovery is about.) But it's being quickly replaced by all my old insecurities, worries, anxieties and self-doubts.

It's disheartening to be honest. One can't help but be left thinking 'I thought this was going to be better this side of recovery?' You know, that the insecurities would be significantly less once anorexia took a back seat again? Wishful thinking perhaps, regardless, and true to form, I'm worried they're not. 

Don't get me wrong here, therapy is working. I'm so much more aware of the thoughts and feelings than I was before, which really does help. That awareness means the thoughts bubble away, but don't blow up. But it doesn't mean they haven't stuck around.  

However, instead of constantly worrying about what to eat and what I have eaten recently, or pondering over the number of kilos I weigh, I've defaulted back to worrying about what people think, how to fix things, what I've done wrong and how I can be good enough. I don't know which is worse. 

Obviously the latter is 'older' than the first set of worries, which also make them harder to shift. And like I mentioned in a previous post it's those thoughts that are harder to turn down on that internal mix tape. 

It's like I'm back at square one sometimes. Worrying about upsetting people, worrying about the future, all the what if's, my need to maintain a status quo where things are always going well. It's my obsession with improvement and the fixation on fixing. It's the doubt in myself and the problems I create in my head, then dwell on. It's the competition, the race and the fights I worry are going on around me. It's that constant overwhelming worry that I've done something wrong. It's the lack of trust in things working out. It's the insecurity in me. 

Like I said, the awareness helps. I have the skills I've gained in recovery to challenge these thoughts, to remind myself that the biggest doubter of me, is in fact me. I remind myself that each day is a new day and that people seldom think about others, so I'm probably flying solo in my concerns. I know I can turn things around and as important as learning from mistakes is, I don't need to be perfect, instantly. I know this.

But I still want to be okay. I want everything to be okay. I am okay in some ways.

However, that niggling, self-doubt, that overwhelming feeling of not being good enough lingers. The clash between doing well, starting to believe it'll all work out and being terrified I've messed up or WILL inevitably mess up is mentally exhausting. Especially with the added hangover from anorexia claiming it would sort it all out too. 

I just wish I BELIEVED I was good enough to believe that 'it' (nor me) need fixing, that I was able to 'Let it Be' and just live without being so god damn insecure.