Was it something I said?

A passing thought for many from time to time, but possibly one of the consuming thoughts I have on a daily, maybe even hourly basis. It's either something I said, did or didn't do or something I am likely to do or say, because, well I always mess it up.

It's not just a thought or two from time to time though. It's everything and more often or not I just can't let it go. I think I must have annoyed someone about something. I don't stop there though, I then go into overdrive thinking about how I can make up for it, or apologise for myself. 

I don't remember not thinking like this though, like I have 'messed up' or done something wrong, worried that it's likely to have annoyed or inconvenienced other people. These are old school thoughts. Of course they've evolved over time. From worrying about friends, family or colleagues, the basis is the same. It's my fault. 

What I do know and feel still is how anorexia will try and try to convince me this is just the way I am. A woman full of mistakes, a woman likely to make mistakes and make other people think as badly of me as she does.

It's the same fault I feel my body is, the same mistakes I worry about when it comes to eating or just being or running. The same way I look for ways to ease the mistakes or fix them. Undo the wrong I have done. The way I look, dress or act in any given situation or environment. That it's not up to standard. Was I too loud? Did I react quickly enough at work, should I have invited other people or could I have done more to help. 

One of my favourite quotes cut out of The Sunday Times for me by my former therapist is an Eleanor Roosevelt one "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do..." Which I can logically get to. Sometimes people's behaviour, moods, actions, conversations, looks or emails are less about ME and more about them, scrap that. They are mostly always about them, not me. But try telling my brain that. Nah-na. 

It's hard to explain the impact this has one me. I know I can't expect perfection, to never say anything or do anything wrong. I can't be firing on all cylinders, keeping everyone happy all the time. It's not even a people pleasing things, like for some. It's like I just don't want people to hate me or have reason to (what my teenage self would say) "slag me off.." or moan about me. 

But the biggest slagger-offer is mysef. And that is painful, because it actually IS something I said, to myself. 

(Un)comfortably Numb

There are a few things swirling through my head this morning and I need to get them out: 

1) I feel UNCOMFORTABLE in my skin today, clothes are digging in, they feel tighter, It feels like I have to hide my body, I body checked and 'feel' like a 'barrel' and bloated.

2) I feel UNCOMFORTABLE not being able to identify how I feel.

3) Everything feels a little NUMB.

*Yes, feelings are not facts, blah blah. I know this. 

As for the numbness. My best friend and I were trying to get our heads around this one over coffee yesterday morning. We're both on headmeds, and know that can make a difference to this. In taking out the high anxiety or low mood, they leave us both feeling a little middle-ground, a little, well numb. I can see why they're not always given to people recovering from anorexia though, as for every time they take the edge of anxiety - they take the edge of any motivation to see the NEED to eat more, exercise less or keep myself in 'check' with the lessons recovery taught me. 

But this numbness bothers me - and comforts me at the same time.

Reality is that to me, I am being lazy and greedy recently. I've exercised a lot less, not been for a run for more than two months, I've spent more time at home, doing things like watching TV or pottering around. This feels uncomfortable, but I struggle to find the motivation to put on my trainers or go out.

Don't gasp in horror or shock, it's obvious, but I still track calories more than I possibly should do. Recently, I've been more relaxed about seeing the total at the end of the day rise. A good thing you say? In my head it still isn't. Most people would tell me that I don't consume enough per-day, but in all honesty, I hate a) that it's a high as it is - but I don't know why? b) I honestly feel like I am a secret eater, because my weight isn't going down and c) I assume the secret eating 'tops up' and takes me to RDA. I wish sometimes I could just blurt out how much I eat, what I eat, my weight blah, because it would stop the hypothesise of others'. Yes, I still feel like this five years on. 

"But it's good that you put on weight" said the best friend yesterday...well, it STILL doesn't feel like that to me. It feels like, NOTHING. Numb. I don't want to lose, or gain or think about it. So I block it out. Probably not helpful, but what is? I guess it's helpful that I don't ACTUALLY know what I weigh - I stopped my monthly weigh-ins in November, so of by accident, sort of because I don't like seeing it go up. I am not in a dangerous BMI, I am not overweight. I give and shit and don't care at the same time. 

Many of you know that I went back for a few sessions at the EDU, well they've written suggesting that I DONT need the services, and need to decide my next move if anxiety is the issue. The private therapist I was seeing through my employer can't see me anymore - you only get 6 sessions. The general talking therapies counsellor told me I was too complex (it's how I ended up back at EDU). But the thing is, I can't be arse with any of it, because things are sort of comfortable.

But what niggles at me is that they're sort of comfortable, because they're comfortably numb.

Shaking Up and Breaking Up

For someone who doesn't do very well with change, I seem to be shaking up and breaking up left right and centre at the moment. 

I have been in my very own home for a month now already. People are right though, buying a house is one of the most stressful things I've ever done. But my gosh, when I turn the key and sit on my huge chaise sofa, it's nice and comforting to know it's all mine.

That's shake up No.1. The second is my recovery.

I went back to the EDU for the follow up to my review session a fortnight ago. Another go on the scales. I didn't like that at all. It messed with my month system of weighing in the same place, at the same place that I've had going since I was discharged. Despite not wanting to lose weight and actually wanting to get better - It stabs like a knife when its a different weight to 'my weight' and higher, at that. But I guess the fact the number bothered me, and the controls around the scales, is proof enough that I need what's coming next.

I am now on a longggg waiting list for another dose of  therapy. This time CBT-E. For four years I never worked to a specific type of treatment. The service itself admits that my emergency admission in 2011 meant I never really got the care I needed, and sort of made-do-and-mended with a range of different approaches.

I got the choice of CAT or CBT-E. I actually wanted to opt for CAT, but I was told the latter would be me best chance of kicking anorexia for good. It's going to be a wait and a half now. Time for me to get into a better place on my own so it's not too much of a shock to the system with calorie increases and challenges when I start up.

I am OVER the swallowing my pride stage. I need to do what I need to do to be freed, completely this time. I am stuck in that bid in the middle, Jenni Shaefer calls it 'Almost Anorexic' I think. Holding on to an unhealthy relationship with food. Letting rules and behaviours I was once a slave to still affect me. The thought of gaining weight still stresses me out, even if eating doesn't. But it's more about the fear of 'shaking up' my routine that bothers me.

So, the breaking up bit? Well, after I year, I decide I needed to break up with C. It wasn't working for me anymore. As good as things were, I found myself torn between so many things, I couldn't add therapy in there too. I need to focus on me again. I need to be free to listen to my head, and not feel more guilt about not being a good-enough girlfriend. I will miss his company, of course. I feel guilty for breaking up with him - but at the end of the day. I need to be authentic. I haven't chosen anorexia over a relationship. I have chosen me.

So, in a way, the shake up and break up actually leads to me making up with myself. Good deal that.

Looking back and thinking forwards

I'm not sure how to explain how it felt walking back to the eating disorders unit on Thursday, I actually made a 'Ughh' noise out loud heading up the driveway towards the outpatient department. Loud enough to wonder if anyone had heard me. It was a completely mixed set of emotions.

In some respects it felt familiar, like going back somewhere steeped in memories would, but in other ways it felt much more clinical and cold than before. I felt out of place and disappointed in myself. I didn't like how even knowing I was going there made anorexia louder, in a 'pride' sort of way. I didn't like that volume. Despite the residue of my eating disorder, I wouldn't say it was a voice which out-shouted my own for the past 18 months. I've been louder, which is why I've made the progress I have done thus far. 

My assessment was with a Dr. I'd not seen at all before, but whom I knew of. She also knew of me. 

I was weighed, measured, attacked by the vampire and had an ECG. The latter was fine, the bloods are pending, I seem to have shrunk 2cm in 2 year and my weight was higher than it was Saturday and lower than the last time they weighed me. 

Too low for them to be happy with. But not low enough to ring alarm bells. A BMI they're not happy with, a BMI which means I have been offered treatment. But I don't think it's my BMI which they're mostly concerned with. The lack of periods is one thing they're keen to change, as is my thinking about myself and  the food rules I still live by. 

It was a lot of the old questionnaires about self esteem, thinking, mood and emotion - the clinical side of things - and the therapy admin. We spoke at length about the care I'd had before - and how the service had changed since. Those people who have followed my blog from Day 1 will know that I have never defined the 'type' of therapy I had. Because I was never told. I ended up with a miss-match cobbled together careplan with no clear 'type' of therapy, no clear boundaries and no one style of work. That was partly because of the faults in the EDU, partly to do with my emergency admission in 2011, and my refusal for IP care, but need for serious support and finally, a little do with my quick move back to work - and ability to NOT focus on therapy. 

Things have changed. I have now been given two options. A course of CBT-E, with hardcore weight-gain, 20 sessions twice weekly and then 20 more one a week. With a focus on weight restoration, weigh-ins every session and then therapy to deal with all the anxiety OR CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) with an expectation but not a focus on WR, dealing with WHY I still think certain ways. Either 16,20 or 32 sessions. Obviously, the first is the one which is clinical proven to help anorexia best - the latter, a good option too. With the amount I have going on in my life, the latter is looking 80/20 most likely for me to go with. Plus, let's not bullshit. I'd be terrified of the first, but also, I have to keep my main focus on work and life. 

The one comment Dr. W made was "I think you owe it to yourself to finish off recovery"...and she's right. For as recovered as I am, I am not free. But what is hard to comprehend is being back there and not feeling like I belong. Being back there at all.  Although what is near-on impossible to get my head round and answer was the parting questions raised...."What do YOU want to get from going back? What purpose do my eating rules serve and am I willing to give therapy another go." 

Who knows? Probably. Maybe? Yes?

Stepping back, swimming forward

Not going backwards, but stepping back in to the eating disorders unit where four hard years were spent swimming through the waves of recovery.

That's what's happening this morning, and honestly, it feels rather strange.

This review has been triggered by starting on anti-anxiety medication, which meant a referral to the EWIS team (the talking therapy/counselling service locally) and the fact that my anxieties are still so wrapped up in the hangover of anorexia - and are "too complicated" for the weekly sessions with their team. Hence, being shipped back to Kinver.

It could be that I walk in the service today and they give me a thumbs up, check the medication is doing okay (I'm still not sure) and let me go. Or they get me talking, realise how much I hold my shit together, how much I cope with DESPITE the negative thoughts and rules I have. I guess you could call it 'functioning' or 'semi-recovered' - whichever, I am not fully recovered. I am aware of that.

I am not going back for a review with any of the team which treated me in the past, it's a psychiatrist I've not met properly before, which makes me feel a bit strange too. Maybe that's a good thing?

I have no idea what will happen or what they will say. But facts are facts, I left services knowing I had weight still to restore, reality is, my weight is less than May 2015. I left as a singleton, I am now in a relationship which throws loads of emotions into the mix which I have promised the boy I will get on top of so I can let him in more. I still have food rules, I still don't like social occasions much, I still have my own little controlled schedule which I struggle to cope with much change too. Yes, I get it - all these are issues. I am aware of that. But I am struggling to see how hearing someone at the EDU TELL me that, will make me change.

I will give it the benefit of the doubt, and I am writing this down to enable me to go in there with an open mind and honesty.

But it feels so weird, yet familiar to go back....which makes Ana pipe up telling me I LIKE that I am going back, that I somehow want to. So, that makes me MORE dubious that this is the right step back to swim forward. I don't want those thoughts any louder.

Stepping back, swimming forward

Not going backwards, but stepping back in to the eating disorder unit where four hard years were spent swimming through the waves of recovery.

That's what's happening this morning, and it feel rather strange.

The review has been triggered by starting on anti-anxiety medication, which meant a referral to the EWIS team (the talking therapy/counselling service locally) and the fact that my anxieties are still so wrapped up in the hangover of anorexia - and are "too complicated" for the weekly sessions with their team. Hence, being shipped back to Kinver.

It could be that I walk in the service today and they give me a thumbs up, check the medication is doing okay (I'm still not sure) and let me go. Or they get me talking, realise how much I hold my shit together, how much I cope with DESPITE the negative thoughts I have.

I am not going back for a review with any of the team which treated me in the past, it's a psychiatrist I've not met properly before, which makes me feel a bit strange too.

I have no idea what will happen or what they will say. But facts are facts, I left services knowing I had weight still to restore, reality is, my weight is less than May 2015. I left as a singleton, I am now in a relationship which throws loads of emotions into the mix which I have promised the boy I will get on top of so I can let him in more. I still have food rules, I still don't like social occasions much, I still have my own little controlled schedule which I struggle to cope with much change too. Yes, I get it - all these are issues. I am aware of that. But I am struggling to see how hearing someone at the EDU TELL me that, will make me change.

I will give it the benefit of the doubt, and I am writing this down to enable me to go in there with an open mind and honesty.

But it feels so weird, yet familiar to go back....which makes Ana pipe up telling me I LIKE that I am going back, that I somehow want to. So, that makes me MORE dubious that this is the right step back to swim forward. I don't want those thoughts any louder.

While my head quietly spins

I used to suffer from panic attacks, the sort where my body trembled, I could focus on nothing bar the trigger of my panic, it was clear for all to see. I was the girl with anxiety issues and it was obvious. 

In social situations I'd either a) worry for months about going, then not go to avoid panicking or b) I'd go and have to hide or leave after not being able to control the anxiety spin. That was the story of my socialising experiences from the age of 7. Be a meal out, a day out, two-week holiday or a school trip. Of course, I learnt to cope or avoid from an early age, so actually, as much as I know life could have been MORE enjoyable, I'd not been a hermit! 

Things have changed now though. Thankfully, I've not had a full-blown panic attack for years, but that doesn't mean I panic though. I see 'getting though events' as a tick-box, despite craving the enjoyment and for good times to last. So, inside, I might not be filled with terror or paralysing fear of situations, I rarely am, but my GOD I worry.

Wow, do I worry. 

What's worse is I TRY to keep the worry in and cope. I try to be normal. But my head takes me somewhere else. It quietly spins. When most people are embracing the moment, I am worrying about the food I've eaten, what I look like, what I've said, what I am (and what I am not) how I come across. I compare myself to those around me, I envy people's calmness, their clothes, their skin and their lives. Don't tell me I should stop comparing. I know "comparison is the thief of joy..." and all that. 

So what am I trying to say, why does my head quietly spin? That I don't know. But what I do know is that I am REALLY guilty of taking it out on those closest to me. Projection, getting snappy because people can't sense my spinning. I think they should be mind readers, obviously. I wish I didn't do it, and then what's more, I wish I could explain. 

If anyone is the same as me, and has a fairly robust 'brave face' and can turn the confidence on, you'll know what I mean when I say it's sometimes harder than being an outwardly anxious (or avoider) type. It's like I let it all build up, going round and round and round my head then purge the emotions.

I find a quiet moment to try and explain to someone and CAN'T effectively do it, because I don't understand myself sometimes. Not only that, there are thoughts I don't WANT to explain sometimes. I realise this makes me really hard to be around sometimes, I hate it. It's about being in control, I know it is. It's about the fact that my insecurities eat me alive sometimes. It's about seeing myself though negative eyes still. 

Basically sometimes, instead of panic attacks these days, I just let my brain remind me of how I should be.  

Retreating to my bubble

It's hard to explain to other people, but sometimes I just need to retreat into a bubble, garden, space or place and switch off for a while. Not to sit and mope or get lost in my own head, but just do nothing, say nothing, be alone. Switch off. Recharge. 

Some will argue it's running away from the world, to avoid facing up to situations or conversations you'd rather not have. But I'm starting to realise it's not running away, it's just taking time to retreat a bit. But is that okay?

It's like I just need to function in my own world, on my agenda and not have to think past that sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't want this all the time and I don't want to shut people out from my world completely, that's not what I mean. I don't particularly like being alone, I get bored and feel lazy and miss people. But hear me out on this, you might feel it too. 

I know recovery has made me more selfish. But I see it as a positive, we have to be selfish to reclaim our lives from anorexia. It has made me more headstrong in what I do and don't like and how I choose to spend my days. In the past I spent far too long doing things I didn't REALLY want to socially, exercising when anorexia was driving it, and enduring situations I wished I wasn't in. I now know what I want to do now, and my God, I will (or will not!) do it.

I don't want to upset people around me by having this need to retreat to a bubble, but I do worry that it frustrates or annoys them. I accept some family and friends will never understand it (I am lucky my best friend complete gets it and feels the same herself). She explained it as needing to be alone to recharge, where some people need to be around people to do that - we need space. But it doesn't stop me over-analysing it like I am now, because I worry about others. I will always worry. I also think people take it personally sometimes, or think they know better about what's best for me. Generally, they're wrong. I am not being mardy, depressive or selfish. I just need to do my own thing.

And the times they're right? The times it would be better to be around people even if I'm apprehensive?  I am generally aware of it too,  know it's only anxiety or anorexia holding me back and know deep down it's for the best. That's when I pop my own bubble and leave my retreat. 

I'll be honest, some of it is because it's easier to be alone sometimes, because being around people means I have to explain why I still have certain rules or behaviours that are blatantly anorexic. It means that I have to fully understand why they're there too, and I don't. It's sometimes because I am just too anxious about life. Or my self esteem is so low that I think people wouldn't like to be around me anyway. Or it's just a case of control. If I am on my own, I can just function on my own agenda, in my own way. When I retreat I just function in a routine which needs no thought. It's a little bit of tranquillity from constantly trying to set a new order or agenda to make sense of a world I still get worried about.

I also still struggle to switch off, whether it be from work or just generally relax. There is always something on my mind, generally higher level of anxiety than most. But I find other people don't always help ease it, mainly because I get the urge to talk about what's going on in my mind, I tie myself up in knots and then feel worse. I feel like I have been over-doing leaving the bubble when I could do with staying in it, because I've felt I 'should' or actually the bubble annoys me and maybe that's why I've felt run-down?

Basically, sometimes, generally, my mind needs to retreat and can only function in my bubble. 

Ex-haus-ted emotional explainations

I'm finding it really hard to explain emotions and thoughts at the moment. Hard to explain to myself, let alone anyone else. I don't know if it's because I've not been well this week, with a nasty cough or just that I'm still tired after all the hype of Christmas and the stress I was under at work in the run-up to the festivities. I'm just feeling emotionally tied up with emotions, and can't explain it.

It's just getting harder to explain why it's not just a lack of sleep that's exhausting me. It's explaining my emotional reactions that's wearing me out too. Explaining how being positive is tiring sometimes. Just being around people is tiring. It's especially hard to put into context to people I care about, who didn't know me when I was ill - the people I want to let in to my world. Where do you start, right - maybe they should read this whole blog? 

I know, I don't always HAVE to explain, and most of the time it's a completely wasted effort. Not everyone is going to have the time, inclination or capability to understand. Let's be honest, how much can any of us (mental illness or not) tap into each other's emotions and fully 'get it'? Not a lot. 

But when you do add suffering with anxiety and recovering from an eating disorder, it takes the whole emotional explanation thing to another level. I could read all the Pintrest quotes in the world about drowning, feeling low, slipping, giving up. I just don't feel like that. I feel like just need space, time and energy to figure it out - and I'll be okay and able to cope. But I'm guilty of getting a constant compulsion to understand and explain, then explain my responses...

Let's use some current examples shall we?

How do I explain that waking up, and coughing so much that I find myself heaving over the toilet, with vomit in my mouth isn't just an unpleasant start to the day for someone with emetophobia? It sends my head spinning in all-sorts of directions. Which, of course, through years of therapy I try to think logically about - but that alone takes emotional energy. That coughing and being ill makes me anxious, snappy and not the Sarah I know myself to be now. I still don't like not feeling well, not on a normal level, but on an extra imperfection level. It frustrates, angers and bothers me more than it should. It always has - it also bothers me that I need to explain this. 

How do I explain that feeling bloated, 'fat' and horrible in my own skin - and not knowing why - means I don't want to get dressed, let alone let anyone touch, see or hug me? That I am still so unsure of what I look like, how I appear, if I look fat or thin or nothing at all to people. Christ, I don't even know how I look to myself in the mirror. How do I tell people that KNOW my current weight, I know that it's too low, that I still don't have periods, that it dropped since leaving EDU and that I need to do something about it. But I am not. That despite NOT trying to lose weight consciously - I struggle to fully accept I have lost weight at all - and that gaining it back scares me. That I look around and see diets, and peoples' bodies looking amazing from working out and compare, crave and criticize myself...that I still don't like my body - that I am numb to the numbers anyway.  

How does someone who's still not fully-recovered from anorexia explain that she needs her safe eating zone. That eating out with unknown calories or in front of people just seems too much? That I don't want to try new foods, let someone cook for me or eat 'junk food' because I'm under the weather. Because that alone causes stress and more anxiety than I was already feeling. That I count calories, but don't. Related to the needed weight-gain, how do I explain that I fully understand HOW to eat to restore weight - what foods I NEED to increase in my diet, but knowing and doing are two VERY different things. How do I explain the difference between what I DON'T eat, WISH I ate or used to eat, then didn't, then did again, then stopped eating again - let alone why? I don't even know myself what' going on there. We KNOW this whole food game is a tricky one. 

How do I explain that office politics exhaust me? That people taking about changes exhausts me. All that change, and trying to work-out people's emotional reactions to it exhausts me. I know I can't control other peoples' feelings - nor do I want to - but it still wears me out trying to establish where I fit into that. When I don't fully understand something - or my role, or how something works - I exhaust myself trying to figure it out. On top of that, I worry about the poor way I react to this stress sometimes. I am still learning HOW best to explain that I am okay, and not - this is work-in-progress here too. 

When someone 'gets' why these things are 'big' to deal with in my mind, when no explanation is needed, when they don't even have to ask. I can be with them, I can cope Sometimes even then, I just need to be alone with my mind, to clear the space in my head. Don't we all?

But with my life NOW, compared to when I was in treatment it's so much harder to do that. Back then my walls were SO high, that it was easy to find that empty space. I didn't see people, I lived alone, I didn't need (or want) to be around others - let alone share my emotions with them. I don't want the walls that high again, it was agony. That's where I'm smarter that anorexia nowadays. But it's really hard to adjust to letting people through the door. That's BEFORE I even begin to explain all this to them, or adjust to taking in their emotional reactions too - which I end up feeling is all my fault* (*here begins the spiral into blame and disliking myself)

Now, when I constantly feel like I need to explain the inexplicable before I understand it myself - I tie myself in knots. I don't even know where to start sometimes. I just end up draining myself even more. I haven't got the emotional energy to do that at the moment. 

Yes, all this is so emotionally exhausting. Yet it's not something sleep will ever fix - but something I keep trying to explain....and so it continues. And so I keep coughing. 

Secure in my insecurities

It seems I've been able to free up space in my head from anorexia (which, of course, is what recovery is about.) But it's being quickly replaced by all my old insecurities, worries, anxieties and self-doubts.

It's disheartening to be honest. One can't help but be left thinking 'I thought this was going to be better this side of recovery?' You know, that the insecurities would be significantly less once anorexia took a back seat again? Wishful thinking perhaps, regardless, and true to form, I'm worried they're not. 

Don't get me wrong here, therapy is working. I'm so much more aware of the thoughts and feelings than I was before, which really does help. That awareness means the thoughts bubble away, but don't blow up. But it doesn't mean they haven't stuck around.  

However, instead of constantly worrying about what to eat and what I have eaten recently, or pondering over the number of kilos I weigh, I've defaulted back to worrying about what people think, how to fix things, what I've done wrong and how I can be good enough. I don't know which is worse. 

Obviously the latter is 'older' than the first set of worries, which also make them harder to shift. And like I mentioned in a previous post it's those thoughts that are harder to turn down on that internal mix tape. 

It's like I'm back at square one sometimes. Worrying about upsetting people, worrying about the future, all the what if's, my need to maintain a status quo where things are always going well. It's my obsession with improvement and the fixation on fixing. It's the doubt in myself and the problems I create in my head, then dwell on. It's the competition, the race and the fights I worry are going on around me. It's that constant overwhelming worry that I've done something wrong. It's the lack of trust in things working out. It's the insecurity in me. 

Like I said, the awareness helps. I have the skills I've gained in recovery to challenge these thoughts, to remind myself that the biggest doubter of me, is in fact me. I remind myself that each day is a new day and that people seldom think about others, so I'm probably flying solo in my concerns. I know I can turn things around and as important as learning from mistakes is, I don't need to be perfect, instantly. I know this.

But I still want to be okay. I want everything to be okay. I am okay in some ways.

However, that niggling, self-doubt, that overwhelming feeling of not being good enough lingers. The clash between doing well, starting to believe it'll all work out and being terrified I've messed up or WILL inevitably mess up is mentally exhausting. Especially with the added hangover from anorexia claiming it would sort it all out too. 

I just wish I BELIEVED I was good enough to believe that 'it' (nor me) need fixing, that I was able to 'Let it Be' and just live without being so god damn insecure. 

Why NOT talk about eating disorders?

Ilona and I asked what we should talk about in our first joint vlog and people asked us WHY we go public with our struggles with mental health and recovery from eating disorders. 

Why do we talk so openly about it?

In a chatty, waffly, rambling way, we hope we answer that. But, really? Why not, after all it is #TimeToTalk isn't it? 

Are YOU ready to start YOUR conversation about mental health?

It's TIME TO CHANGE

My old friend 'Emet'

"Emetophobia (from the Greek etmos, to vomit, and φόβος (phóbos), meaning "fear") is an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting. This specific phobia can also include subcategories of what causes the anxiety, including a fear of vomiting in public, a fear of seeing vomit, a fear of watching the action of vomiting or fear of being nauseated.^[1]"

Not only am I battling anorexia, a lot of my issues with anxiety around food stem from a phobia I have been having therapy for since I was 7 years old. Emetophobia. 

It used to dramatically affect my everyday life and led to daily panic attacks throughout my childhood and teenage years. Its direct association with food and eating was the first reason I was referred to the EDU in 1993, then in 1995, 2000. I have had extensive counselling, therapy, CBT and battles with Emet and as I have grown up, it affected my life less as I've gotten older, I suppose, mainly because I learnt how to control the anxiety and panic attacks and 'faced the fear.' during my years at university and in my working life. It doesn't 'go away' and I could think of nothing worse than vomiting (especially in public) and the thought of being sick or feeling sick fills me with dread if I stick with the thoughts too much. 

It has direct links with restrictive anorexia and can, in some cases, lead to people suffering with Emet being wrongly diagnosed with a clinical eating disorder, but in my case it's all mixed up. 

Although my Emet hasn't 'caused' my clinical diagnosis of Anorexia Nervosa. They are intrinsically linked by food and diet, yes, but they are not the same thing. In going over old notes with my current therapist (at the same unit) I have started to realise that I used my EMET to HIDE my struggles with AN as 'Ana' became a louder voice.

However, now in recovery I am tackling the left over anxiety and habits linked to well-engrained obsessions (and compulsions) with food. They are all still present and cause problems as I am recovering. It's a case of 'balancing' the phobia, OCD behaviour and AN at the same time - what a juggle ehy?

A few problems are: 

-My list of 'Emet' SAFE foods are my AN 'Bad' foods.

This means I 'blamed' my EMET for the conflict I used to feel about not 'listening and following' Ana - I was tied to my safe options and gave myself a hard-time about not leaving them - and this lead to Ana telling me I was TOO WEAK to listen to her.

-I 'banned' so many foods throughout my life, I don't actually know which as AN or Emet choices.

-I get set in a rigid structure with food and meals 

-I don't mind eating the 'same old foods' I always have.

-I am scared of 'new' foods making me sick

-I have deep rooted 'good and bad' foods

-I find it hard to separate my AN thoughts, OCD habits and EMET anxieties.
-I have always had 'disordered eating'  

and a long, long list of other conflicts that make sessions with my therapists multifacial to say the least! 

Why Don't I Jump?

MAKE THE JUMP FOR GODS SAKE! 

The books and videos and blogs are right, the EATING IS THE HARDEST PART but it is the part that will make the difference to me right now. It is the difference between THINKING positively – this week has FELT positive in my head but I need to now make FEELING positive in to actually being POSITIVE. But this is going to mean REALLY facing my fears and jumping in.

This is so scary, but everything I have read and watched (both my Jenni Schaefer) has said the same thing, that it is the scariest bit, it is the hardest bit but I HAVE TO JUMP, TRUST MY PARACHUTE will open.

I have been thinking ‘strong’ all day and now it is 9pm and time to actually eat more I get scared and totally back out of it and talk myself out of adding to my calorie totals, convincing myself that 800 calories is fine. This is what I mean when I say I feel strong when I read about it, I know it’s in me to do it, to jump but in reality Ana keeps dragging me back and makes me feel weak. I keep saying I’ll wait till XX time or ‘I’ll do more tomorrow’ but this is Ana keeping me hanging until the next time I get on the scales. I know I need to be less scared of this.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do RIGHT now, why don’t I just jump. What am I ACTUALLY scared of? Why am I falling for her tricks? Why do I feel the need to give her the satisfaction of the number she says she’ll be happy with on Friday *this number used to be 14lbs heavier than I am now remember Sarah* Why do I want to make her stronger?

Because to RECOVER and to get me BACK I need to JUMP, right now the JUMP is supper tonight. It’s a small jump because I can’t see it taking me to 1200. But a small jump is better than sitting here making ANA stronger isn’t it?

Positively Guilty

This is my newest idea to help the Catch-22 situation I am facing in recovery at the moment. Again, inspired from Jenni Scaefers 'Life without Ed' book! Basically, it's all about POSITIVE GUILT.

I, like many other anorexics, have massive issues with 'guilt' and battling the should of/could of type thoughts. So basically this is about rewarding guilt when I feel GUILTY about recovering. 

I am focusing on the guilt I feel for leaving Ana, the guilt I feel for eating. Because they are POSITIVE guilts. Those guilty feelings for eating what I want are only guilty to Ana.

So every time I start to feel guilty about having 'junk' or 'bad' food, every time I get the guilt-trip from Ana about my calorie total - and then STILL have supper and every time I have guilty feelings about having chosen higher calories foods, when I could have restricted,  I get a heart. 

Those heart represent me building my health, strength and beating Ana. In recovery I a GOING to feel guilty for 'beteraying' Ana but these are positive guilts. 

I need as many hearts as I can get - and I need to finish they day feeling guilty about betraying Ana, instead of feeling guilty for betraying my health and for betraying recovery. I am aiming for AT LEAST a heart a day...

Eating Disorders, OCD & Anxiety

This week's video from one of my favourite Recovery Warriors, Arielle, is relevant to the way in which my anxiety, OCD and ED work together. How one (or two) can lead to, be a result of, and maintain the other(s).

WATCH IT HERE

I have suffered from OCD and Anxiety most of my life but only been diagnosed with anorexia in my twenties. My ANX and OCD have always surrounded body image, food, will-power and control. Through lots of therapy and support I manage to control my OCD and ANX, but find it hard to control my ED.

It's hard to separate the three and try and figure out if my anxieties and obbsessions with food, health, calories, weight and body were always an ED or whether these teamed with my perfectionism, self esteem and control issues lead to my anorexia.

Which ever way round it is, the three have a massive impact of my life and all three are hard to overcome.

Click the links above this or below to watch the video on Arielles website.

Arielle says;

"Actively Arielle: A Voice With A Commitment: Eating Disorders, OCD, and Anxiety: This week I discuss these 3 and how they are linked. I also discuss ways of dealing with anxiety, and disclose a bit of personal information..."

My Recovery Playlist

I am jumping on the Recovery Playlist bandwagon which other Recovery Warrior bloggers have spoken about in the last couple of days. (No Matter What My Size and ED Bites) I can't find one song, but a whole playlist of them...

Music has ALWAYS played a massive part in my life. Like many other people, we create a soundtrack to our lives, with music that defines times and places and brings back memories. Music that inspires and touches us.

Over the last week or so, I have randomly burst in to tears with my ipod playing through my 'Recovery' playlist in iTunes. I have also smiled, laughed and been sent into deep thought at some points.  The lyrics, the songs, the messages and my interpretation of them REALLY do help my recovery. Even if I do look slightly strange walking along crying sometimes...and even if some of the artists and songs aren't usually my style!

The Playlist (which keeps growing!)

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts
MGMT - Time to Pretend
MGMT - Kids
Arcade Fire - My Body is a Cage
Katy Perry - Firework
Lady Gaga - Hair
Lady Gaga - Born this Way
Demi Lovato - Skyscraper
Coldplay - Every Teardrop is a Waterfall
Coldplay - Fix You
John Lennon - Imagine
Adam Lambert - Whadda You Want From Me
The Killers - Human
Jessie J - Who's Laughing Now
Jessie J - Nobodys Perfect

Some of these were already my faves, some weren't, some remind me of times when I felt strong and others make me feel better about feeling weak....Whichever one they are, they are helping me right now!

Check them out.....

Yellow Eggs and Red Sauce

Sitting at breakfast this morning, E and K have scrambled egg on toast. The doorstep toast is warm and the butter is melting nicely, the eggs are scrambled perfectly and look like little egg clouds floating in the jug. The condiments are put in the centre of the breakfast bar, more butter, salt, pepper and tomato ketchup. 

Where's your red sauce? 

Tomato ketchup is delicious on scrambled egg (so I’m told!) as E drizzles the RED sauce on his breakfast; K adds salt to her eggs. “I WISH I could put RED sauce on my eggs, I could just eat that, I bet it’s really tasty” She says. So, on overhearing this, I ask “why don’t you then?” Pause. “Well its RED sauce on YELLOW egg isn’t it? If red and yellow go together I WON’T be able to eat it, I just COULDN'T!” Pause.

My Dad, E,  pushes and pushes for K to try adding RED sauce to YELLOW egg, trying to persuade her that it is (as she suspects) extremely tasty. “Go on, just put some on if you want it.” He suggests. Even sacrificing a slice of his own breakfast for the cause in an attempt for her to try the mixture. They both suspect that it would REALLY complete her breakfast. But it’s no good.  The yellow and red together thing is too much for her to handle. There is NOWAY, no matter HOW tasty it may be, or not matter how much she’d love to, that K will add RED sauce to YELLOW eggs.

This conversation was all too familiar to me. It’s usually me in the ‘Why CAN’T you JUST eat more of what you know will be tasty?” Why CAN’T I just eat more substantial meals, or have full-fat cheese or whole milk? Why can’t I have pasta two nights in a row or eat a slice of cake I’ve lovingly baked for everyone? It doesn’t even work when people sacrifice what I suspect is a yummy sweet, just so I could perhaps TRY it. Nope, it’s just too much sometimes.

It’s what it’s like for me. It’s not a choice, it’s not something I can ‘just do’ and in the same way that there is NOTHING physically stopping K putting tomato ketchup on her eggs, there is nothing PHYSICALLY stopping me eating more, stopping me eating high calorie foods, foods with a higher fat content. I have those foods there in front of me, ready and waiting.  I wish I could eat them, like K wishes she could put red sauce on yellow eggs, but it is a fear holding us back. It can seem irrational to those around us, that can’t understand WHY if you like the taste of something, if you WANT something that you CAN have, why don’t you just do it?  

It’s not even a case of not eating now, because I am eating and to me I am eating a lot. Almost five times more than in the grip of my anorexia, five times more calories, five times more food. I’m Five times BETTER than at my worst and better at battling the fears.  My calories are very nearly back to normal (okay, with the help of Fortisip) but I still can’t JUST EAT high-calorie foods, foods I have labelled ‘bad’ for most of my life and foods that I have fears around. I wish I could help people understand that I have this fear, this barrier, and this power stopping me with EVERY bite. 

The foods I have now re-introduced in to my diet were once dangled in front of me, teasing me, but I just couldn’t eat them. Every bite of food I now eat was once K’s red sauce and yellow yolk situation, each one I now eat required me to face my fear front on and put it in my mouth. Each food I still won’t touch is going to require me to be brave enough to just face it and eat it. Each time E and K see me eat something new, something on my ‘bad’ and ‘fear food’ list, they need to remember it’s like K facing her fear head on and adding the sauce to her breakfast, which today, she didn't. I was just too much. 

Too much to handle 

Yes, to other people my fears probably seem ‘irrational’ - food is, so I'm told, to be enjoyed. It's the same way I can’t understand why red sauce can’t be put on yellow egg yolks. 

When I attempted to explain this concept this morning I was greeted with ‘Yes, but, at least I am eating.” Au contraire, dearest K, you’re not. You are denying yourself the red sauce on your eggs, despite knowing it’ll be tasty. It maybe be on a different scale. But the concept is the same! Right? Well, apparently not.

But when K says she CAN’T put it on her eggs, despite really wanting to, I am able to apply my fears of gaining weight, of food and of fat and understand that when she says she CAN’T enjoy ketchup on eggs, she just CAN’T at that point in time. Not only that, she can’t explain WHY she can’t. And so she goes without something she KNOWS she would enjoy, and the eggs go without the sauce.

It’s exactly the same concept. Why can I see it and they can’t? 

Needs, Should and Don't

A few things I need to take from today's session and use to keep focused and why recovery is worth it.

I don't need to pretend I am okay
I don't need to pretend that it's easy.
I can't ignore that it's there
I can't ignore that it's not an issue
I shouldn't ignore these thoughts
I shouldn't forget about mistakes
I need ackknowledge my achievements
I need to live for now.

Be mindful and focused on RECOVERY.

A recovery that DOESN'T need to BE PERFECT
A recovery that IS NOT going to be LINEAR
A recovery that is UNIQUE to ME
A recovery that needs FOCUS and DRIVE
A recovery which needs PERSEVERANCE and PATIENCE

As long as I am still going in the right direction, it's okay
As long as I make little changes, it's okay
As long as I am becoming more aware, it's okay

Recovery is HARD, WORTH IT and POSSIBLE.

Thoughts are thoughts...

Thoughts are thoughts, but it is the way I act on them that’ll mean the difference between recovery and living with my eating disorder.

It can work both ways I suppose, I can THINK that I am doing enough and my true self is in control and NOT actually challenge myself enough to restore my weight and recover.

AND 

 I can have ANOREXIC thoughts, distinguish that it’s Ana and I can choose to challenge them and work towards recovery OR I can choose to act upon her rules and restrict or measure or weigh.

In both cases it’s acting on these thoughts that can make the difference in recovery or in continuing to live with my eating disorder holding the reigns.

Take today for example. I thought that I ‘Don’t need to eat an apple after my appointment because I am going for a coffee in an hour, and that could be my mid-morning snack.’ I distinguished that this was an anorexic thought, because a) I was hungry and b) I need to have BOTH at the moment to help increase my calories. So I ACTED on this by buying an apple and eating it. Then I went for my coffee, and thought ‘You only need a small coffee not a medium like usual, because there is SO much milk in that and it might make you feel heavy and sick’ at this moment in the queue in Costa, I could choose to act on this thought as Sarah or Ana. Unfortunately in this case I ordered a small coffee. I made a choice ANA wanted, which isn’t helping with my goal of restoring my weight.

This is a habit I have gotten into, challenging Ana with one thing, then restricting because I have already challenged her and I back off and keep her happy. I am becoming more and more aware of this each time I go through my food diaries with my dietitian. Meal by meal or day by day, it's the same habit. I think this is the first step – being AWARE of the thoughts and who is driving them, the step I need to take now is ACTING on them.

I have another challenge tonight too. One of my goals this week is to eat a jacket potato with beans. The anorexic thoughts I have already had about this since leaving the clinic today are;

1) There are SO many calories in that meal
2) You don’t NEED beans, just have the potato plain with salad
3) What could I have instead that ‘sort of challenges me’ but is safer in terms of cal content
4) Just have beans and no potato
5) If that takes me to XX calories, then don’t snack later, it’s ok.
6) Is it bad to eat potato at dinner because it’s late?
7) You don’t like baked beans
8) They’ll make you bloated and grosse
9) Beans are a waste of calories

And there are probably more that I haven’t noticed, which are all Ana trying to talk me out of eating the dinner I NEED to eat and decided earlier I would try tonight. Now, I have the choice to cook and eat this dinner and make it POSITIVE or to listen to ANA and not work towards recovery. These are just two examples of the clouds of thoughts I feel around EVERY drink, snack and meal.

No wonder my head is muddled and obsessed and preoccupied with thoughts about food and eating. If the theory is right, the more I challenge Ana and go against her, the quicker and less significant these thoughts will become….the more I think them, want to challenge them, go through the process and then let her win by acting in her favour, the harder and longer the fight will be. She ISN’T getting weaker if I don’t turn my back each time…

 I have also been told again and again, it is a trait of anorexia to see life as black and white, good and bad and success and failure and I for one am so guilty of doing this. I know I am. Or not feeling like I am doing well enough in recovery and beating myself up about it and then just 'not bothering' or convincing myself that this is all just fake and I could snap out of it. The proof is in the pudding (How ironic?) though, because when I do just try and ‘be normal’ or attempt to convince myself I can snap out of it. I freak out. I ‘run away’ from the challenge and back into Ana’s arms each time I freak out and DON’T try something. That’s my eating disorder RIGHT there. ...

I know it’s all about listening, reasoning and challenging Ana that will eventually mean 'recovery.’ And my gosh, it seems she needs a lot of challenging right now, I better start ACTING on it and showing her who’s in control.

OCD Awareness Week...

For more information or support visit OCD-UK or join the Facebook group