Shaking Up and Breaking Up

For someone who doesn't do very well with change, I seem to be shaking up and breaking up left right and centre at the moment. 

I have been in my very own home for a month now already. People are right though, buying a house is one of the most stressful things I've ever done. But my gosh, when I turn the key and sit on my huge chaise sofa, it's nice and comforting to know it's all mine.

That's shake up No.1. The second is my recovery.

I went back to the EDU for the follow up to my review session a fortnight ago. Another go on the scales. I didn't like that at all. It messed with my month system of weighing in the same place, at the same place that I've had going since I was discharged. Despite not wanting to lose weight and actually wanting to get better - It stabs like a knife when its a different weight to 'my weight' and higher, at that. But I guess the fact the number bothered me, and the controls around the scales, is proof enough that I need what's coming next.

I am now on a longggg waiting list for another dose of  therapy. This time CBT-E. For four years I never worked to a specific type of treatment. The service itself admits that my emergency admission in 2011 meant I never really got the care I needed, and sort of made-do-and-mended with a range of different approaches.

I got the choice of CAT or CBT-E. I actually wanted to opt for CAT, but I was told the latter would be me best chance of kicking anorexia for good. It's going to be a wait and a half now. Time for me to get into a better place on my own so it's not too much of a shock to the system with calorie increases and challenges when I start up.

I am OVER the swallowing my pride stage. I need to do what I need to do to be freed, completely this time. I am stuck in that bid in the middle, Jenni Shaefer calls it 'Almost Anorexic' I think. Holding on to an unhealthy relationship with food. Letting rules and behaviours I was once a slave to still affect me. The thought of gaining weight still stresses me out, even if eating doesn't. But it's more about the fear of 'shaking up' my routine that bothers me.

So, the breaking up bit? Well, after I year, I decide I needed to break up with C. It wasn't working for me anymore. As good as things were, I found myself torn between so many things, I couldn't add therapy in there too. I need to focus on me again. I need to be free to listen to my head, and not feel more guilt about not being a good-enough girlfriend. I will miss his company, of course. I feel guilty for breaking up with him - but at the end of the day. I need to be authentic. I haven't chosen anorexia over a relationship. I have chosen me.

So, in a way, the shake up and break up actually leads to me making up with myself. Good deal that.

My 'I have a dream...' moment

Recovery seems to take me on a roller coaster ride of experiences in my own personal therapy and more so as I share my journey so publicly. I guess I couldn't get much more public than public speaking, right?

It was my own little Martin Luther King moment, sharing my thoughts and I guess, I do have a 'recovery dream' for everyone else too,  don't I? 

So public speaking is what I did yesterday. I spoke in front of a lecture theatre, about speaking about my recovery. I shared my experience of treatment at my EDU at South Staffordshire and Shropshire NHS Healthcare Trust.'s AGM.

Smiling but feeling sick after my talk

It's another snowball from my epic journalling, setting up this blog and from my 38,000 Tweets that have evolved from moans about Fortisip and meal plan increases, to raising awareness of mental health and moaning about meal plans. Dream, Recover, Live even made it to the ED service display, using my 'Keep Swimming' and 'Recovery Shark' posts as analogies of recovery... (Take that Ana) It still blows my mind that what I write makes any sense, as I just remember in a confused, mixed up state starting this blog to check I was 'recovering' okay and as a space to rant and spill out all my anorexic thoughts back in 2011. 

But back to yesterday. I was TERRIFIED of confusing myself and them. Of messing up, not looking anorexic enough, not having clarity, of saying the right thing, annoying or upsetting my therapists (who were there and Dr B was in the front row!) but, like I said to a room of hundreds of people, if it doesn't scare me, why bother? 

Dr B and me in front row waiting for my talk.

What I couldn't communicate to the professionals and other service users in that room is that Ana was still there with me yesterday, even if they couldn't see it. Even if I seemed confident, that's the point huh?

She was still loud and clear to me. 

Shouting that "I wasn't ever ill enough to have an opinion, that people thought I was too fat, that I needed to prove my eating disorder some how...." I thought it was best to NOT let her speak - practice what I preached and to just smile and say 'thank you' when people said lovely things. (NB. I need to deal with her later!)

But, for those of you that weren't there, but wondered what I might have said about the journey (so far) to freedom from anorexia and my experiences, this is what I said: 

 "The reason I am stood in front of you, sharing my battles with mental health and talk about my recovery from anorexia today is because early on in my recovery this time around I realised that one of the reasons I got as ill as I did, is because I ALLOWED ANOREXIA TO SILENCE ME – I allowed my illness to convince me I wasn’t being HEARD – so I figured out the best antidote to that would probably be SHARING and TALKING about my recovery journey.

Anorexia is such a complicated illness, lots still doesn’t make sense – even to me and it’s my MIND doing the thinking, but I guess all the ‘ingredients’ that lie behind my eating disorder and fuel it are battles I’ve faced most of my life.  The issues I still have to fight now, today, even preparing this talk – I worry it’s not good enough, that I’ll mess it up, I will say the wrong thing, I don’t look anorexic  enough anymore, that it hasn’t REALLY happened to me, I don’t KNOW ENOUGH about anorexia and recovery to stand up here and talk. It scares me….

But that EXACTLY is WHY I AM DOING IT because believing these thoughts for the last 20 years is how I got to crisis point in 2011, it’s why I’ve spent my life ‘looking’ for what would fix me and it’s why my therapists here have the lovely job of helping me UNTANGLE all these issues.

I’m not sure where to start with the underlying issues of my eating disorder – like I said – they’re rather entwined. I’ve suffered from emetaphobia, anxiety and obsessions, restrictions and fears with food since I was 7 years old. Add to that a need for control, perfectionism, competitiveness from being a gymnast, low self-esteem, drive to exercise, poor body image…the list goes on, but I can't remember NOT thinking these things.  I’m surprised I wasn’t diagnosed with anorexia back in 1992, especially as it was clear my diet was highly restrictive, and I was terrified of eating. but because my BMI was never low enough through my childhood, teens and early 20s – I wasn’t diagnosed with anorexia until I was 26.

NO ONE HEARD ME……..Not at CAHMS, not when my GP referred me here at 14 and then at 17. Not at uni – and not at an NHS Trust in London 5 years ago when I actually told my doctor I hated my weight and body so much I couldn’t think of anything else.

Not once did anyone tell me losing weight wouldn’t solve my problems – no one ever really mentioned anorexia. I ate. I was a healthy weight, I was repeatedly told ‘I just had low self-esteem and a fear of sick and terrified of some foods.’ I WAS FINE. Wrong. Huh?

Despite all this somehow my motto of ‘hope being stronger than fear’ has got me through. I went to Bournemouth University and graduated with a degree in journalism, went on to live and work as a journalist in London, had relationships, survived Glastonbury, been on holiday….in recovery I’ve returned to journalism. I’ve developed ways of coping with life, getting though but always WONDERED if that voice was right – I just needed to be thinner, better, more in control of my life, of something.

So maybe it was the food I had been doing wrong? I thought maybe if I change the food I would change how I felt about myself? That is when I thought I’d found the magic after all. Finally - no one else mattered -  I was focused determined, finally it was working, I was losing weight. It was the food all along I knew it. That was in December 2010. But I wasn't ill – I had just found something that made me feel good enough and great. It was my secret. What I didn't realise is that niggling voice tarnishing the good times I've had in my life and then consuming the low times was actually anorexia all along. I just could see or believe this then.

The honeymoon period didn’t last long to be honest– my world began to crumble around me – I scared myself – I couldn’t cope with the secrets and lies and I definitely couldn’t keep up with work in London. I started to notice as the weight on the scales got less. So did my life.  I needed to speak and I needed someone to finally HEAR me.

That’s where this service finally HEARD ME. They listened to the screams from behind the cracks in the walls anorexia had built around me. I literally screamed down the phone that I needed help and if I didn’t get help now I’d not bother. I’d die….Luckily for me, they listened and they acted.

Since August 2011, my team here have kept the window of opportunity wedged open – despite anorexia trying to slam it shut along the way. But finally they HEARD ME, so I knew I had to KEEP TALKING and revealing the lies and secrets of anorexia to Wendy Bell,  Fiona Preston and David Bishop. Even at times when I’ve not felt ill enough for their help – I have learnt to TRUST that I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t, they believe me.

It's a constant battle to out-scream the voice that’s screaming I’m not good enough or ill enough. But that's where I found the best antidote to anorexia - However loud she wants to be I'm determined to be louder. This is why I talk about my recovery, this is why talk about eating disorders.  I tell people, I speak about it and I expose the lies. It’s why I keep fighting.

It hasn’t always been easy to SHARE what’s going on my head – but there is real truth In the quote about ‘speaking the truth, even if your voice shakes’ because the more I wrote, spoke or shared, the more sense things made. I have found my voice, so I better keep using it.

I started sharing my journal with my therapist, when Wendy left, the word count was actually more than 500,000.  I then started reading other peoples recovery blogs, and was inspired enough to start turning my own journal entries into a blog, and then I began tweeting about my battles, thoughts and recovery – outing anorexia’s lies to the world tweet by tweet. Even the rants or moans or complaints that I was having. It was amazing and empowering and inspiring to find so many other people saying ME TOO about eating disorders online and I started to realise how anorexia and I weren’t in an ‘exclusive’ relationship.

I want to understand my illness.  I want to outsmart it and to explain it. I hope that by exposing the debates and lies in as many ways I can, I will help other people realise they are under the same anorexic spell.

I hope that sharing my story shows people how I was seduced by anorexia’s promises of perfecting my life – of fixing me. How the promise were built on lies – and seriously flawed. I also hope it will enable people to be HEARD before anorexia’s walls are too high. I hope by speaking about my battles I’m able to remind professionals, teachers, friends and parents to really LISTEN to people who are trying to whisper over anorexia’s screams, even if they look okay on the outside.

I'm not sure sometimes how long a full recovery will take, or whether I’ll ever really understand it or be able to explain it all without tying myself up in knots. BUT what I am sure of is that I will keep shouting as loud as I can, in my own therapy, through my writing or in 140 characters on Twitter. If nothing else, it makes more sense out in the open than it does in my head.

I’m sure that with the help of my team at the eating disorder here, I can write a positive final chapter to my own story and complete my recovery. That my competitive spirit will pull through, and I will win.

Then, I hope I’ll move on to a brand new book encouraging and inspiring others to TALK, BEFORE an eating disorder ties them up in knots and silences them too.  Not only that, I want to help to make sure that when they are brave enough to out-shout anorexia, they’re HEARD.

…..Please, can you all play your part and make sure you re-tweet me when I get there!

Thank you."

My blog on the service display

 

Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2013

This week is Eating Disorders Awareness Week and I am going to attempt to blog, vlog and tweet as much as I can about my inspirational songs, poems, quotes and 'truths' about eating disorders and recovery. 

But spread the word and remember....

If you think someone YOU know is suffering from an Eating Disorder, speak up, say something ,talk about it  AS MUCH as you can and make sure people don't keep these secreting illnesses, secret. 

Please visit my eating disorder awareness and support group Team Recovery for more help

Welcome to my (not so) Merry-Go-Round

“If you start cutting corners, you’re just going to end up going around in circles….”

And that circle will keep me trapped with my eating disorder and not enable me to BREAK FREE, break off, jump off or make it stop spinning.

BUT the problem is the circle, the bubble, the merry-go-round or whatever I see it as, seems so much safer than the two options I believe have;

1) To gain weight (and fight anorexia) 

2) To lose weight (and give in to anorexia)

A circle?  It has so many safety bonuses, for a start, at least it’s a circle, when I get to the start, the top or whatever, it is the same the next time around. I know what is coming and part of me is okay with that. It PROTECTS me from those two options. I don't want either. 

I know what's coming. I can prepare.

But there is still a bit of me that does know staying on this merry-go-round forever will make me dizzy.

I will run out of oxygen in this bubble.

I don't WANT that, I don't want this life -Sat here, scared to move. I don't LIKE being dizzy. I despise merry-go-rounds and the way they make me feel. 

I know it is not right, even if it is safe. It is hard to stop the ride, to stop the circling, even though I am well aware that it is really not solving anything staying on the ride. I am not going anywhere, I am not changing or fighting if I just sit here going dizzy.  

There are so many other rides I prefer, that I want to experience, if I could just find the courage to get off this one. 

Are YOU a Recovery Ninja?

If you don't already you NEED to come and join the Recovery Revolution and give eating disorders some POW with Team Recovery. It's a support, awareness and kick-ass network set up by myself, Rachel and Alice in 2012. We're three women on a mission to show that RECOVERY is POSSIBLE and that we can share our journeys, experiences, struggles and positivity to BEAT eating disorders. 

All the links to our Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Pinteret are on the LEFT <<

See you there, Ninja! 

and SHARE this image as much as you can to SPREAD pro-recovery.....POW

Go on, name your price, do me a deal.

What's the price of not having to restore any more weight then? Will paying it make me happy or YOU happy. What is it that makes ME happy. I dare you to do me a deal, Ana. Let's weigh it up.

I am struggling at the moment with the WR / I don't know ME limbo / Why is it FAIR that I can't be recovered at this weight / frustration at not knowing, anything. 

So, I KNOW there is a price to pay for staying at this weight. I know there is, well there are big prices all round. So, let's add up the cost...bear with me. 

I'm not having periods, so, firstly it’s the price of not having children
It’s the price of having my own family. 

It's my health.

It’s not working, it's my career.
It’s not exercising.
It's not allowing myself to fall in love or to be loved.

It’s being left here, in limbo UNRECOVERED

It’s continuing to live a life focused on weight, food, calories.
It’s defining my happiness alongside my eating disorder’s happiness
It's forever measuring my worth in kilos on the scales.
It’s maintaining and managing my eating disorder, not beating it.
It's always eating from a MP
It's being scared
It's being CONTROLLED not IN CONTROL.

So if I don't want to pay these prices, it’s why I need to let go of ALL behaviours,  it’s why I need to stop comparing myself, my life, and my recovery. It's knowing that happiness is worth MORE than paying with these things to make Ana happy, so what's stopping me? 

It’s why, as painful as it is, I need to think LONG and HARD about what SARAH likes, wants and what makes SARAH happy. Not Ana.... Is it being scared of not knowing ME that stops me?

It’s just so had when that’s so ambiguous, when I don’t have a clue what REALLY makes SARAH happy, when the other definition of happiness is SO clear, that clear goal makes Ana’s promises seem attainable. I know her promises of happiness, success and worth are so defined on a scale, but I also know that SHE LIES,

So then, tell me,  why does it still always feel so real? Its seems easier to see it through her eyes, but I suppose that is the problem and how she pulls people back time and time again, why recovery is so hard, because giving up and not figuring out what SARAH likes is the EASY option and I am AWARE that it’s a trick because I KNOW nothing comes for free, nothing that seems that easy.

I DON’T want to live half a life or be like this forever, stuck in limbo, forever. But the part of me is terrified of being fat, ugly and a failure in REAL life. Sarah is scared. This fear teams up with Ana and making her life look desirable DESPITE me actually being aware it’s not. See the battle in my head?

I need to NOT hate this awareness as much as I do though, I need to stop resenting my awareness or drive to recover,  because as hard as it is and as horrible as it is hearing Ana and knowing they are lies, wanting to believe them, wishing they were real or the answer, its the awareness that these are LIES that is SAVING me right now. 

That, and knowing that my team WONT let Ana trick me, I am not alone trying to figure this all out. 

So...I need to stand up. And stop paying for something I know wont make me happy. I need to stop letting her in with behaviours and NBDs. I know I need to stop making deals or wishing I could stay super skinny and ‘controlled’ and watch what I eat AND be RECOVERED, because it is just not EVER going to possible, EVER. I just don’t think I can fully grasp or accept this concept yet, but I am aware I need to.

I am scared, anxious, whatever, of NOT REALLY KNOWING SARAH but knowing that until I let go of ALL of Ana, I am not giving myself the chance to know me. I need to LET GO and LET IT BE and accept I am in the process of finding out, but as painful as limbo is, I CAN’T RUSH. I just need to be.

I need to stop making deals, thinking there must be a way of paying, thinking there's some sort of 'Super Flash Sale' that's going to start that allows me the best bits of Ana for free, as a gift and a loyalty card bonus or special event, because that's not ever going to be the case....there is ALWAYS a price to pay for this weight. It's RECOVERY. It's me. 

Break The Silence

Support #EDAW2012 and talk about YOUR experiences with eating disorders. Breaking the Silence helps raise awareness and reduces the stigma of eating disorders....

Please follow @_TeamRecovery on Twitter and 'Like' Team Recovery on Facebook and show your support and help END Eating Disorders....

EDAW2012

.....how will you 'Break the Silence' and increase awareness of eating disorders?

 I am going to try and write a blog post everyday this week, however long or short about my own experiences and hope it helps at least one person....

...it's time that EDs were better understood and people felt supported enough to speak up about suffering, confront a friend or talk to their parents about how they REALLY feel.

The B-EAT Website has more tips and hints and help for Eating Disorders sufferers and carers...