“If you start cutting corners, you’re just going to end up going around in circles….”
And that circle will keep me trapped with my eating disorder and not enable me to BREAK FREE, break off, jump off or make it stop spinning.
BUT the problem
is the circle, the bubble, the merry-go-round or whatever I see it as, seems so much safer than the two
options I believe have;
1) To gain weight (and fight anorexia)
2) To lose weight (and give in to anorexia)
A circle? It has so many safety bonuses, for a start, at least it’s a
circle, when I get to the start, the top or whatever, it is the same the next
time around. I know what is coming and part of me is okay with that. It PROTECTS me from those two options. I don't want either.
I know what's coming. I can prepare.
But there
is still a bit of me that does know staying on this merry-go-round forever will
make me dizzy.
I will run out of oxygen in this bubble.
I don't WANT that, I don't want this life -Sat here, scared to move. I don't LIKE being dizzy. I despise merry-go-rounds and the way they make me feel.
I know it is not right,
even if it is safe. It is hard to stop the ride, to stop the circling, even
though I am well aware that it is really not solving anything staying on the ride. I am
not going anywhere, I am not changing or fighting if I just sit here going dizzy.
There are so many other rides I prefer, that I want to experience, if I could just find the courage to get off this one.
Love you. Thank you. You're ace. x
ReplyDeleteYou CAN find the courage to jump off the merry go round and see what awaits. You have a huge amount of resourcefulness and bravery (Team Recovery is proof of that!). Going in circles gives an illusion of safety but it isn't really safe. When you do jump, you will find that you have everything you need to cope. I am trying to do the same, and I know it is hard, but it will be worth it.
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