Oh. My. Weight.

One of the HARDEST things about sharing my recovery openly is that a big part of it has never been open. Most people know what that part it and why it's the 'Great Unshared' of those in recovery.

Sometimes I just want to blurt it all out, why? Because NOT talking about it is exactly what anorexia wants. Whether that's the 'shame' the illness makes me feel for gaining - or the 'secret' happiness of it going down - or for me - the relief of it being EXACTLY the same. 

So, this morning was my monthly 'weigh in day'. Still a date with a big 'X' on my diary which plays on my mind, whether I like that or not. It's a morning I dread and over-think more than I probably should the night before. 

I don't have scales, I get myself out of bed early and go to the local leisure centre to use the digital scales (right outside the 0700am spin class and a bustling gym which makes me feel guilty for not being 'so dedicated to fitness. I'll touch on that soon!)

This morning was no different. Same clothes, same routine. Driving there my mind goes over the same thoughts as last month, and the month before that. I set the 'acceptable gain' I won't freak out about....I allow myself the sneaky excitement that it MIGHT have just gone down 'a little bit' and then the most comfortable thought. Just please be the same. 

I step on the digital scales, pop in my pound coin and '"stay still and stand upright" while the machine measures my height and weight. I don't even look at the screen to see. I wait for the print out instead. I hold on to the handles and measure my body fat, even though I have no faith in what that ACTUALLY measures (I always think maybe it'd have a true reading if it could measure the fat somewhere else. Like my stomach not my fingers?)  

Let me put this next bit in context. **Don't read this paragraph if you're easily triggered. I am just being honest** For the last couple of months I have tracked my intake roughly - and generally day-to-day I don't reach 2000 calories, despite knowing I should be, and not being far off, it's not 2000. For those of you who want to know...it's probably 1600-ish. So, if I am NOT at the 'ideal' recovery weight, and I'm under-eating on a daily basis, and doing about two days of exercise a week (one run and one HIIT/Circuit session) my head is jumbled with thoughts as to why I have gained weight. A little more context. 

Anyone well into their recovery or battling on from a relapse will know what I mean when I explain that it's not like the SCREAMS of anorexia when you first start WR, it's more a mix of a thousand-and-one questions as to WHY it's gone up, just wanting answers. Of course, I know it's anorexia asking them. I also have to consciously remind myself I am still slightly short of where I was when I was discharged - and even then I had a couple of kilos to go to hit the 'ideal' initial WR target. Want a little more context? I'm talking about 0.3kg, a POUND. That's anorexia's magic, all those questions, over 1lb. It makes me analyse what I have done to 'deserve' the gain. 

I don't want lie or hold back but know to protect other people in recovery - I do. It also helps to avoid having to explain myself to people who don't get why this is still an issue a year after discharge and almost five years after stating treatment. But it is. 

So I will have to end this here. A pound. 

Life goes on, and so does exploring recovery.

Isn't it funny how life just goes on, how arriving in a new place, doesn't make the old one disappear? However much we try to stop the world moving sometimes and scream "let me get off!", it just keeps ticking over. That's, as they say. life. 

When I was at my most ill, life stopped. Halted. That 'anorexic mixtape' stuck on loop, over and over and over again, with no respite, the same thing over and over. Treading water, every day, terrified to swim either way.

But one thing that's helping me move from being in treatment, to living life away from life at the eating disorders clinic, is just trying really hard to not call myself recovered, or in recovery, or an 'anorexia survivor'. Just trying to move on with life, explore my new skills now I've finished the swim.

I'm learning to accept recovery is never probably going to have the end point and golden beaches I once dreamt of reaching. The place where it all made sense and life was, well, dare I say perfect, sorted and fixed. It was a mirage I thought I saw in the confusion of anorexia and during the four year swim I've just made to get here.  

This came up in an interview I did with a magazine this afternoon. I was asked to describe where I am at now with anorexia. Am I still in recovery, or have I recovered? It's the first time I've spoken to someone new about my experience since discharge, and I didn't know what to say. In some ways, I HAVE recovered from anorexia, I've recovered my BMI, I've recovered my life, I've recovered my career. I no longer have full-blown clinical anorexia. But have I set up camp here?

Sort of, I've found my plot. But in saying that, I'm suggesting that I have totally overcome anorexia. Out the other side, reached that recovery cove I once referred to. I may have out swam the sharks, I may have reached the other side of the recovery ocean, But it doesn't mean I'm settled here.

Now is where I perhaps rest my arms and legs a little after almost drowning and the epic swim that was treatment. Now is where I start to explore the new place I am in, walk along the shore a little. Now is the time to use the survival skills I've been taught by Dr. B, Mrs. W, Ms F. and others - and make my own way here.

After all, explorers don't land in new places and have a ready made camp, do they? It's about arriving on new shores and using the skills picked up along the way to carve a new life. And this is where life, and my recovery is now. Not over, just me, my life, moving on in a new place. 

One of the quotes my recovery tattoo relates to is apt here too.

It's not you, it's me.

Follow, unfollow, friend request, unfriend, text, ignore, visit, walk away... all things throughout my recovery I've done over and over again. I'm still not sure where I stand on it either. I'm unclear on what is helpful and what holds me back. But I'm starting to figure it out, finally. 

Yes, I'm talking about being friends and surrounding myself with people 'who get me', who 'understand how it feels', who know instantly who or what 'Ana' is and why I still stress over a pick and mix. But really, I keep asking myself just HOW helpful it is to be 'friends' with other people in recovery.

It'a a similar situation as when I used pro-anorexia websites, they got me too. We were there same and they were my 'friends' who understood me, for a while (when I'd lost the plot). It may have been more toxic than talking to people in recovery, but sometimes it's too close for comfort.

The theory is, that as a group we can almost normalise the real abnormal - do non-eating disordered people really write the word **trigger warning** or live in fear of letting their weight or BMI slip out in conversation. Do they really ask 'are you okay hun, I saw you ate more potato'. The answer is No. If I am aiming for non-eating disordered life, surely talking to those with EDs more than others is unhelpful?

I'm guilty of craving the understanding and those conversations now and again, I just want to indulge in purging all the eating disordered craziness I'm dealing with to someone who 'gets' it', but really, how helpful is it to maintain these relationships? Is maintaining them, keeping me in my illness? Yes, I think it is.

Don't get me wrong 'breaking up' isn't easy, you do share a lot with 'recovery buddies' but sometimes on my account it's about approval and acceptance, I want to 'check in' with people and see that I am doing okay, comparatively. But here is the problem. It's NEVER going to be healthy for me to compare to anyone, let alone someone else living with, recovering from or who's beaten an eating disorder. 

Of course, some people I've met during my recovery are now some of my closest friends. They are the ones I usually rant with, they are the ones who know my weight and I don't care that they know it. I know their weight and it doesn't matter. I trust them - because we've shared a bed, hour-long phone calls, spa days and meals out where we've both gone 'fuck, this is normal'. But there were people in the past that I thought were the same, but turned out to be toxic to me and my recovery. I had to let them go as well.

Yes, they left a hole and I craved their 'friendship' for a while afterwards, but at the end of the day, my recovery is about me, and this is the classic cliché of 'it's not you, it's me' and we all need to be selfish on these journeys and in all honesty, I miss my life-long friends who I pushed away for the the understanding from 'recovery buddies.' I prefer days spent with colleagues and friends - not THINKING let alone talking about anorexia. It's not always about the eating disorder now, it's about living. 

Sometimes clichés DO have a place and I am starting to think (again) in recovery, they really do. 

Time flies when you're not having fun

As much freedom as recovery brings, it's really NOT fun. 

This week marks two years since I was admitted to my EDU and 'officially' diagnosed with anorexia and it's been one hell of a whirlwind of change, calories, food, weight, therapy, bloods, scans, tears, smiles, giggles and pain. 

If I was an alcoholic who'd been dry for two years or a drug addict who'd been clean for 24 months, then I'd feel like singing it from the roof tops, but for some reason recovery from anorexia doesn't feel like that.

Strictly speaking I haven't been 'clean' for two years, my weight has been down, down, down, up, down, round and round and stayed still for a good chunk of it too. Restrictions, no big deals and walking a little further that I should have done have also happened a little too often too. 

But on the whole, two years in, I've not looked back. Yes, I have had my lapses, but they've not been relapses. I haven't run away, I haven't spent two years messing my team around. However slow it's been at times, I have kept on swimming in the right direction.

(When will I learn it'd been less tiring if I went in a straight line sometimes?)

I had already decided I was never going to live like this again when I 'came out' about my struggles with an eating disorder. I decided I wasn't going to BEHAVE like an anorexic and eventually I hoped and still hope I wont THINK like one. 

I wish I could sit here and honestly believe myself when I talk positively about recovery, how wonderful it is, how much better I feel, how I am learning to love me. But truthfully, I am still not sure. 

Of course, life is BETTER than it was back then. I am healthier. 
But it's not where I want it to be. I just don't know what it is I REALLY want or WHO I AM yet.

I've had constant reminders that whilst anorexia has controlled my life, other people's lives have moved on and this keeps me going too. Two years ago, I didn't have twin niece and nephew, some of my BEST friends have got married and are starting families. People I know have been discharged and recovered. Life goes on as I am still working on getting mine back. 

All I am certain of is I am NOT as unhappy, trapped, tortured or restricted by anorexia and her rules as I was back then. But I am still bothered, dragged down and twisted by rules and doubt. I KNOW life has grown with the gains, I know that I am a much nicer person and fuller 28-year-old than I was a 25, 26 and 27 year-old shadow of myself. I'm much more aware. 

I have coped with family fallouts, getting my own place, starting to pick up more work, new people, new places and new foods. I have not been broken by Forisips, weigh ins nor has my body given up on me. I have coped with a change of therapist. I am coping with hard-to-swallow therapy.

I just wish I was truly proud of that.

All these doubts, fat feelings and ambiguity are trademark anorexia, I know they are. I can't just admit that I've done well in 24 months of recovery, and honestly believe it. I'm not SURE I honestly FEEL better yet.

I'm just going to keep swimming. I am going to keep trying and maybe a year (or two) from now I will look back and HONESTLY mean it when I say....

...Well Done Sarah, you rock. 

(NB) I have not included ANY lowest weight images or any that people may find upsetting. Ana also 'says' I was never thin enough to shock you anyway. *bitch* huh?)

Welcome to my (not so) Merry-Go-Round

“If you start cutting corners, you’re just going to end up going around in circles….”

And that circle will keep me trapped with my eating disorder and not enable me to BREAK FREE, break off, jump off or make it stop spinning.

BUT the problem is the circle, the bubble, the merry-go-round or whatever I see it as, seems so much safer than the two options I believe have;

1) To gain weight (and fight anorexia) 

2) To lose weight (and give in to anorexia)

A circle?  It has so many safety bonuses, for a start, at least it’s a circle, when I get to the start, the top or whatever, it is the same the next time around. I know what is coming and part of me is okay with that. It PROTECTS me from those two options. I don't want either. 

I know what's coming. I can prepare.

But there is still a bit of me that does know staying on this merry-go-round forever will make me dizzy.

I will run out of oxygen in this bubble.

I don't WANT that, I don't want this life -Sat here, scared to move. I don't LIKE being dizzy. I despise merry-go-rounds and the way they make me feel. 

I know it is not right, even if it is safe. It is hard to stop the ride, to stop the circling, even though I am well aware that it is really not solving anything staying on the ride. I am not going anywhere, I am not changing or fighting if I just sit here going dizzy.  

There are so many other rides I prefer, that I want to experience, if I could just find the courage to get off this one. 

Are YOU a Recovery Ninja?

If you don't already you NEED to come and join the Recovery Revolution and give eating disorders some POW with Team Recovery. It's a support, awareness and kick-ass network set up by myself, Rachel and Alice in 2012. We're three women on a mission to show that RECOVERY is POSSIBLE and that we can share our journeys, experiences, struggles and positivity to BEAT eating disorders. 

All the links to our Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Pinteret are on the LEFT <<

See you there, Ninja! 

and SHARE this image as much as you can to SPREAD pro-recovery.....POW

Dear Recovery Ninjas...A Little Note

Dear All, 

As I said in a tweet, I cannot express how upset, angry, disgusted and saddened by the recent change in ‘atmosphere’ on Twitter. A place I once felt happy and confident to share my recovery journey with people who truly understood the nature of eating disorders.

Through Twitter I was able to freely express my hurt, my struggles, my downs and of course, my successes along the way. The isolating and lonely nature of anorexia was slowly being broken down by a supportive timeline of people who understand how contradictory and confusing this illness is.

Since using my Twitter account as an additional tool in my recovery journey, I have crossed paths with many inspiring, wonderful and supportive people. Many of whom I now consider friends and some I know will remain friends long after we have made a full recovery. I am thankful every single day for the support they give me, the advice they share and the friendship they have offered.

I am still in what is probably considered the ‘early’ stages of my recovery and every day is a battle with my eating disorder. I am aware that some of my friends are further through this battle and some are even earlier in theirs. I am proud to say that the support from a range of people on Twitter has pushed me forward and kept me on track and I am thankful for their on-going belief.  I am not ‘recovered’ I am not yet a ‘survivor’ of this illness nor can I tell others how ‘recovered’ feels, I don’t know, I am not there yet. All I am is a fighter. I am fighting for my life and my future.

As a journalist and communicator who has worked for over 6 years in the media industry, I knew I needed to focus my attention to ways in which I could communicate my recovery, when I found it hard to vocalise my feelings, whilst helping others. I started to share snippets of my journey on this blog, I write poetry, I take pictures, I talk and I am part of the service user panel at my EDU. Finally, with two amazing ladies, Ally and Rachel, we joined our passion for raising eating disorder awareness and offering an alternative network in the ED community by setting up Team Recovery.

All at different stages of recovery and with our own stories, we put our heads together to come up with a pro-recovery project which we hoped would inspire, raise awareness and support people in their own unique recovery journeys. We were inspired by the growing support network forming on Twitter at the end of 2011, and knew that #RecoveryNinja tag was a new way of expressing a FIGHT against eating disorders; much in the same was as our American friends use the term #RecoveryWarrior.  The concept of being a Ninja and fighting eating disorders developed in to a brand we coined ‘Team Recovery’ and so the idea of POW was also developed to fit with the branding of a Ninja, Fighter, Warrior, Slayer in recovery.

During Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2012 we launched the ‘Team Recovery’ pro-recovery project with the strapline: “Calling all Recovery Ninjas! Help spread pro-recovery online with Team Recovery and give eating disorders some pow, because they CAN be beaten.” and a mission statement reading: “Giving eating disorders some POW by raising awareness, myth busting and increasing the presence of pro-recovery online. Team Recovery is a support network co-founded by Rachel Lauren Cowey, Sarah Robertson and Alice McPheason to help spread #ProRecovery on social networking sites after all three girls were fed up of the presence of pro-eating disorder sites online. Inspired by the ever-growing support network of 'Recovery Tweeters' and their on-going support and fights for freedom from eating disorders”

We are thankful to the ‘tweeters’ who contributed to the development of Team Recovery and the ideas they continue to put forward to help the project grow and the support they give Ally, Rachel and I. We have had a huge amount of positive feedback from people in recovery, from charities and from a range of  professionals in the eating disorder field. The growing support for our project, and similar projects we are aligned with, allows us to create a platform on which we can help reduce the stigma of eating disorders and give people in recovery a voice, which then helps those who are still trapped by theirs.

We also  recognise that everyone is unique in their recovery, what works for some doesn't always work for others, but from using the experiences of so many 'ninja's' we hope that we can cover a wide spectrum of experience. Of course, there are also people who do not agree with associating themselves with a 'community' or 'group' of people such as Team Recovery, and we would never try and influence or force people to follow our accounts or be 'part of' something the were not comfortable with. Team recovery is not a clique, nor does it have a hierarchy of Ninjas.

Unfortunately, in recent weeks individuals have taken on a view that Team Recovery and Recovery Ninjas are belittling or ridiculing or influencing peoples individual recovery and I would personally like to take this opportunity to assure followers and supporters of @_teamrecovery that the personal opinions of Rachel, Ally and I are in no way the same as those of the Team Recovery project. However, the bullying that has occurred on Twitter amongst some of our followers has been of a personal nature and I will not tolerate myself or my friends being publically ridiculed for their recovery. There have been some hurtful and disgusting tweets from some people which have made people with low self-esteem feel isolated and ashamed of their recovery methods or feel uncomfortable tweeting their achievements, when personally I feel people should be proud of their POW moments, their successes and their wins against their eating disorders. 

As a 27 year old, educated and experienced professional I certainly DO NOT appreciate being referred to as ‘young, naïve or impressionable, nor do I feel like I am pushing my own views, recovery or problems on to those less impressionable and more vulnerable than myself.  I also do not appreciate the attack on my friends in such a personal and nasty manner. Their comments, opinions and tweets being taken out of context on numerous occasions and used against them in attacks of bullying which CAN NOT be tolerated, and if were to occur in a workplace would be sackable offences. 

I do not believe there is a ‘pecking order’ a ‘clique’ or a ‘ranking’ on Twitter, nor do I feel I ‘follow’ others or that I am ‘followed’ or ‘worshiped’. The people I communicate with on Twitter, through my personal account, are those people who have become friends of mine, and with whom I share common interests, outside of our recovery/eating disorders.

 I also made the free choice to un-follow or disassociate myself with people who I felt were not supportive of me, who’s tweets I found unhelpful and those people who I felt were at different stages of their eating disorder or recovery than me. Much in the same way I delete people from my Facebook if I seldom speak to them or feel I have no connection or friendship with. This is a free choice for anyone using social networking, to protect themselves.

I hope that those people who find the positive work of Team supportive can separate themselves from this attack from people who are no longer supportive of the project. Ally, Rach and I will continue to develop the project, continue to raise awareness and offer support through our association with professionals, other pro-recovery projects and through spreading positive messages. 

Finally, I am deeply sorry on any personal level if any of the recent ‘arguments’ comments or attacks on Twitter have affected your recovery in any negative way and I am thankful for the love and support of my friends and personally I am going to continue to fight for freedom from my eating disorder, one day at a time. Like a #RecoveryNinja, I will continue to give it some #Pow, it is up to you whether you do the same or unfollow my personal account. 

Thank you

Sarah xx