Ana Says I'm Faking It...

..so I must be? Right?

WRONG.

But she’s getting good at trying to tell me that I am faking this, I am not a ‘true friend’ or really anorexic because I am slowly, very slowly leaving her behind. Her new favourite game is to see how long it takes to convince me that I am causing my own problems and my eating disorder – which is usually the same amount of time it takes me to eat a meal or drink a coffee with actual sugar syrup! This is becoming a worse feeling than the guilt of eating.

Take last night for example…Ana was telling me whilst I was making my dinner that that I should put less lentils on my plate, that I should really only eat half of my pitta bread, that that beef tomato is far too big, and I should only eat half. I found the strength to ignore her on all accounts. (Well, I suppose I could have put a few more lentils on my plate, but I did take an extra little mouthful to prove a point!) Whilst I was eating all her thoughts were whizzing around my head, but I ignored and carried on eating until I was finished, and it felt good. Until I let myself think about it.

So, instead of accepting that I enjoyed my dinner and being proud of disobeying her abusive rules, I listened to her and caught up in the confusion over what I had eaten. She has found a way in, that isn’t as obvious as controlling the food I put on my plate or in my mouth. It’s like she’s trying to convince me that I am no longer anorexic because I just ate my dinner. All of it. That I am faking this whole disorder, that I am fraudulent anorexic because I can eat now. The fact I am strong enough to ignore her during (some) meals means I’m ‘cured’.

This is totally the ‘D’ word cropping up, yes, DENIAL isn't it? I know if I listen her and believe her or wasn't aware of what her games are now she has my meal plans to get around, she’d pretty much keep me right here, not challenging myself and under her wicked, wretched watch.

I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself  that my new-found ability to ignore her at times doesn't mean that I no longer have anorexia, it doesn't mean that I am faking this, it doesn’t mean I am dragging it out because I like it (I don’t) it means I am FIGHTING it. 

I need to remind myself to EMBRACE moments when I feel strong and not panic that these moments mean I have lost control over my life, recovery or eating. I need to not let Ana in on these moments and make me feel guilty for having little snippets of freedom from her. Or worse, let her convince me that because I find moments where I feel strong enough to silence her and because I am starting to enjoy and WANT some food, that I am okay.

The more I fight, the stronger I will become, the quiet she’ll be and the easier recovery will get, right?

The Pro Ana Hangover

There are some things that go round and round my head and the only way I can stop them circling is finding a reason and root of those thoughts.

I was doing some of this tornado-style (over) thinking over my lunch this afternoon - a delicious toms on toast with baby leaf salad...

The lunch that caused a whirlwind!

...and it occurred to me that some of the things I was stressing about were not necessarily what I thought about my meal, but more like sort of a 'hangover' from the way I functioned when I was active on a pro-ana site.

I don't talk about this time much and I don't want to dwell on it. It shrunk my world even more than the illness already had, it consumed my thoughts, my time and my internet browsing history. It is something I know I fell into when I was at my weakest, confusing how weak it was making me, with a sense of strength 'Ana' was getting from being on there. It was a time when I didn't want to get better, I didn't want help, I wanted to find happiness in my hunger and destructive willpower and I wanted to be the strongest, most dedicated and successful of Ana's 'friends'. (By the way, I never found it and Ana doesn't like you, she's trying to kill you...)

Now, this hangover is a bitch...

The worst hangover ever!

I used to post my 'meal plans', my plans for the day, how I was going to restrict, cut down from the day before, how I was going to look less greedy, how many 'binge free days' I could tally up. I ACTUALLY cared what these other people thought of my self-destruction. I looked to them to agree with Ana. I wanted to hear that I was fat, that I was greedy and that I needed to do more. You know what, they did do that.

Each time I posted what I had eaten I wanted it to be a little less. I knew those other girls were judging me, thinking I looked greedy and I believed they were glad they weren't as gluttonous as me. It pushed me to eat even less than I was already doing.

So, I'll get to the point.

I am now paranoid that when I say what I have eaten, when I take snapshots of the food I have cooked, when I try new and exciting foods, when I fill out my food diaries for the clinic, that people are judging me, they thing I am greedy. I have a hangover conflict that goes a bit like this…

I am proud of the food I have prepared. Excited about my meals but..

* Terrified of people sniggering at me, thinking I am too greedy and that one day some one is going to make a comment about the sheer amount (in my opinion) of food I eat.

* I am worried I could trigger others with my food ramblings or excitement or portion size. I really don't want to and I would never forgive myself if I did.

* Worried that people will ask me for tips or advice on weight loss - I won't EVER forgive myself for telling people what I did (or didn't do) to lose weight.

* I am worried that I will talk to the wrong people or that people will trick me into listening to Ana again - get in with the 'wrong' crowd. (I am lucky here to have found some amazing #recoverywarriors instead and that I am strong enough to 'block' triggers)

I hope this is NEVER the case. And I hope I continue to expand my diet, my adventures in the kitchen, my love of baking and become more free with my food.I also hope I can inspire others to see they can rediscover food and expand their diets (and lives) instead.

It proves how much of a detrimental effect these sites can have on people suffering with EDs. Others prey on their (our) weaknesses and watch us unravel. But I want to learn from my mistakes, learn from what I have been through and use it to get stronger.

I just wish I could shake this god damn awful hangover! 

Why Don't I Jump?

MAKE THE JUMP FOR GODS SAKE! 

The books and videos and blogs are right, the EATING IS THE HARDEST PART but it is the part that will make the difference to me right now. It is the difference between THINKING positively – this week has FELT positive in my head but I need to now make FEELING positive in to actually being POSITIVE. But this is going to mean REALLY facing my fears and jumping in.

This is so scary, but everything I have read and watched (both my Jenni Schaefer) has said the same thing, that it is the scariest bit, it is the hardest bit but I HAVE TO JUMP, TRUST MY PARACHUTE will open.

I have been thinking ‘strong’ all day and now it is 9pm and time to actually eat more I get scared and totally back out of it and talk myself out of adding to my calorie totals, convincing myself that 800 calories is fine. This is what I mean when I say I feel strong when I read about it, I know it’s in me to do it, to jump but in reality Ana keeps dragging me back and makes me feel weak. I keep saying I’ll wait till XX time or ‘I’ll do more tomorrow’ but this is Ana keeping me hanging until the next time I get on the scales. I know I need to be less scared of this.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do RIGHT now, why don’t I just jump. What am I ACTUALLY scared of? Why am I falling for her tricks? Why do I feel the need to give her the satisfaction of the number she says she’ll be happy with on Friday *this number used to be 14lbs heavier than I am now remember Sarah* Why do I want to make her stronger?

Because to RECOVER and to get me BACK I need to JUMP, right now the JUMP is supper tonight. It’s a small jump because I can’t see it taking me to 1200. But a small jump is better than sitting here making ANA stronger isn’t it?

Why Don't You Just Eat?

I don’t know what I’ll do If I get asked again ‘Do you want to get better?’ ‘Do you want a new job?’ or the worst ‘Why can’t you just eat?’ These are the questions I keep getting asked by my family. They keep saying that EVERYONE is getting frustrated and annoyed with me because they say ‘You’re an intelligent girl; you know what you need to do.’ I know I have a degree, I know I haven’t always restricted my diet to the extent I did this year and I know I haven’t always been this underweight, but the sooner they realise I have felt like this for A LOT longer than they have known the better. The sooner they might be able to understand why I CANT JUST EAT.

The hardest thing at the moment is they can only understand the physical sides of anorexia, they keep going on and on about how ‘they don’t believe it’s this psychological.’ That my treatment is focusing too much on all that ‘psychological stuff’ and that I need to just eat. K asked if I ‘get told off’ for maintaining my weight and not gaining this week and she can’t understand why I don’t get ‘in trouble’ for not gaining a huge amount of weight.  

I keep getting asked if I want to get better. YES, of course I do, that’s why I am going to my appointments, it’s why I am going through this battle, it’s why I am sat at my parents, not in my own home. If I didn’t want to get better, I wouldn’t have said anything, I wouldn’t go to meetings and I wouldn’t be drinking Fortisip, eating food or listening to my apparently ‘intelligent self’. I don’t think they are trying to understand (and I don’t expect them to fully understand!) that recovery is an exhausting battle which is trying to restore my weight and health physically but trying to re-build my mental health by teaching me to accept my body, my weight and to build a better relationship with food. Basically, re-teaching the last 10 years of my life.

Dismissing and trivialising of the psychological aspects of anorexia hits me like a bullet, it completely makes me feel pathetic and it makes me feel like I am making it up, that it is trivial and easy to beat. It makes me feel thick and weak for not ‘just getting better’ and it makes me feel like I should know what I want from life. I don’t. I don’t know what I am fighting for, other than health right now. But in order to fight for my health I have to fight off Ana, I have to fight off anxiety, obsessions and fear – and trust that it will be worth it.  I have to leave a place where I feel safe and warm and in control and run and leap in to the freezing cold sea and swim for dear life.

They don’t seem to want to accept that I have presented them with a ‘happy’ me for so long, but I haven’t felt like that inside. I can see that is hard for them, I get that – it’s the way I felt when an old friend told me she had and ED a few years ago and even I hadn’t noticed. It made me feel horrific for not noticing her pain, 

But that’s the biggest danger of eating disorders, they makes you good at ‘sucking it up’ at hiding your feelings and amazing at pretending you’re fine. Because Ana always CONVINCES you and everyone around you, that you ARE fine. It’s just the way I am, I just like to be healthy and in control and I don’t like chocolate. 

I was obviously good at it, because everyone around me isn’t accepting just how long this has been going on. I just wish they'd believe me. 

Blame, Responsibility and Forgiveness

I re-read a post tonight from a fellow Recovery Warrior's blog - recovery, PJ style: blame, responsibility and forgiveness:

It sums up the way I feel too about blame and forgiveness. I spend a lot of time blaming myself for my eating disorder, I spend time blaming MYSELF for not recovering yet and I feel I always cause problems, I blame myself for that and I am constantly trying to make up for causing conflicts. I want people to FORGIVE me for things I do when I feel guilty and most of all I blame myself for the pain and upset I cause by not getting better and not being good enough at recovery. It's NOT productive and it's time I stopped blaming

These tips, points and sort of rules on Blame and Forgiveness are great for a lot of people recovering from and ED. They certainly work for me...I love it when someone else's writing/work/therapy has a positive influence on my own discoveries. So thank you....and here are her thoughts on Blame, Responsibility and Forgiveness

-Blame is of no use. It wastes time and energy and does not fix anything.
-It is possible for no-one to be to blame in a situation.
-Just because the other person is not to blame does not automatically make me to blame by default.
-Taking responsibility is a much more proactive and positive way to reframe my negative thoughts.
-I can be responsible for solving a problem without being to blame for causing it.
-If an altercation occurs which I am not to blame for, I still have the power of forgiveness.
-Forgiveness does not mean having to apologise or feel small.
-Forgiveness simply means letting go of blame.

But my favourite is...

I can still be responsible for my recovery, without being to blame for my illness.