Pasta Maths...

So, like the creature of habit that I am...I have been having a specific pasta from a specific supermarket since I started eating pasta again, mainly because it seemed to be the lowest calorie and it was small tiny (made for children type) pasta so it took me longer to eat and looked like more.

Today I went to buy it – and before I picked it up I looked at the calorie content of the other wholemeal pasta and it was LOADS higher and stood there with both in my hands I wondered why.

It turn out the reason to blame is the burden of my anorexic life. Cooked vs Dry weight calorie information.

I think it is because on other pasta it is the dry weight and the one I have is the cooked weight, but I have been basing my calories on the DRY weight of the one I brought. So, basically this made me FREAK out whilst I was in the supermarket and then whilst I was walking to the bus the maths was going round and round in my head. I was desperately trying to figure out if I was right or not. I couldn’t let it go; I couldn’t stop wondering if I had totally overeaten EVERY time I have had pasta. I was ANGRY with myself for making a mistake, misreading the calorie rules, the instructions written in front of me. How could I be so stupid NOT to know the numbers?

< Cue Ana starting her usual "You are SUCH an IDIOT" song.>  

Those measurements and numbers really got to me there and then walking down the street; “so 50g dry weight would equal 100g cooked weight and 100g cooked weight would be 100 calories and other pasta dry weight 100g equals 300 calories so…..” and on and on. Then it turned into “and that means this pasta is MORE or less than the others anyway.” I suppose that fact made Ana feel a bit better. But I have NO idea of working it out and no idea how much I have actually consumed. 

Do the numbers in the pasta I've already had matter?

Then I stopped. (literally) It suddenly occurred to me that EVEN if I have eaten ten times more than I thought, or just twice as much, it hasn't made me instantly fat. I haven’t gained lots of weight because I didn't know the exact calorie content, I haven’t ballooned from not knowing exact numbers and I need to learn from this that the numbers DON’T matter, do they?

What I need to do now is FORGET the calories in that meal, forget the numbers related to the pasta. I have been happy with my portion size, measured in a little cup to the same point each time, so why change it. My initial thought was, “well next time I have pasta, I will weigh the same portion size dry and then weigh it cooked” so I can work it out. 

But what will I achieve by doing that? It would only allow Ana to criticize me for the meals I have ALREADY eaten (and enjoyed) and allow her to dictate how much pasta I’d have to sacrifice to keep the calories in the meal to what I THOUGHT they were. But the thing is, I probably still need to INCREASE the portion of pasta I have, and really, this proves that the numbers can go wrong, they aren’t always accurate and they don’t matter as much as Ana makes me believe.

Plus, I really do love pasta! Shh, don’t tell Ana! 

Why Don't I Jump?

MAKE THE JUMP FOR GODS SAKE! 

The books and videos and blogs are right, the EATING IS THE HARDEST PART but it is the part that will make the difference to me right now. It is the difference between THINKING positively – this week has FELT positive in my head but I need to now make FEELING positive in to actually being POSITIVE. But this is going to mean REALLY facing my fears and jumping in.

This is so scary, but everything I have read and watched (both my Jenni Schaefer) has said the same thing, that it is the scariest bit, it is the hardest bit but I HAVE TO JUMP, TRUST MY PARACHUTE will open.

I have been thinking ‘strong’ all day and now it is 9pm and time to actually eat more I get scared and totally back out of it and talk myself out of adding to my calorie totals, convincing myself that 800 calories is fine. This is what I mean when I say I feel strong when I read about it, I know it’s in me to do it, to jump but in reality Ana keeps dragging me back and makes me feel weak. I keep saying I’ll wait till XX time or ‘I’ll do more tomorrow’ but this is Ana keeping me hanging until the next time I get on the scales. I know I need to be less scared of this.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do RIGHT now, why don’t I just jump. What am I ACTUALLY scared of? Why am I falling for her tricks? Why do I feel the need to give her the satisfaction of the number she says she’ll be happy with on Friday *this number used to be 14lbs heavier than I am now remember Sarah* Why do I want to make her stronger?

Because to RECOVER and to get me BACK I need to JUMP, right now the JUMP is supper tonight. It’s a small jump because I can’t see it taking me to 1200. But a small jump is better than sitting here making ANA stronger isn’t it?

Talking to Ana

A conversation between Ana and me this morning…

Following an argument with my younger sister and knock on argument with my parents, this is the way the Ana and I sorted this whole thing out. I am going to start doing this more often so I can work out how to shut her up, once and for all...this is a technique used by Jenni Schaefer in her book, and I think it really does help me further separate my thoughts from my eating disordered thoughts.

Ana: Don’t eat your breakfast. They don’t care about you and you don’t need this breakfast now. You didn’t want it anyway did you? I will make you feel better if you don’t eat it.

Me: You’re right, I hate this breakfast. I don’t deserve to eat it anyway, what’s the point?

Ana:  100%, that’s right –don’t eat it. Make a scene – It’ll make them feel bad and guilty for not caring about you and you’ll feel good afterwards for not eating it.

Me: You’re right, I want them to feel bad about this too.

Ana: So stop eating you selfish fat cow.

 <I WALK AWAY FROM THE BOWL – GO DRY MY HAIR READY TO GET OUT THE HOUSE AND GO FOR A WALK.  THEN RETURN TO THE BOWL >

Me: Hang on, You’re not helping me are you? It’s just going to make it worse by causing a scene. And you’re wrong, how does ME not eating make them feel bad? It’s killing me, not them. You’re wrong!”

<I PICK UP THE BOWL AND CARRY ON EATING, THIS TIME OUTSIDE ALONE and CRYING>

Ana: No I am not. I made people listen to you before didn’t I? They can’t hear you. They don’t even CARE that you’re crying

Me: Yes they can hear me. I just need to clear my head and then talk to them about it when I have shut you up.

Ana: Leave a little bit of breakfast then, just for me?

Me: Okay, but just a little.

<I LEAVE SOME BREAKFAST...THEN, WALKING TO COSTA>

Ana: Thank You for that Sarah. Just think, you're burning calories now too. Great! Oh, and when you get to Costa you’ll order an Americano – because you’ve had too much milky coffee recently and there are WAY too many calories in them. You’ve already had too much this morning; you won’t have saved any calories if you do. Plus, today is Sunday; you’re bound to eat too much later too.

Me: Ana, restricting my calories is not going to make them feel worse. They are getting on with their lives and want me to get better too. I am having a coffee light not an Americano, I've burnt cals and deserve it.

Ana: Okay, well you won’t be having a burger with your dinner then or bread with your soup later, unless you like being greedy that is?

Me: Oh, we’ll see about that Ana. By the time I have cleared my head I might feel stronger again. Plus, I know I can’t let other people’s emotions stop my recovery. Including YOU.

<I DRINK COFFEE AND WRITE THIS>

The bad bit of this is I DIDN'T have the burger, this has had an effect on my mood and eating today. I am going to bed under my calories and I feel very low tonight. Let's hope a conversation with her tomorrow goes more my way....

Disagree & Disobey

I am currently reading Jenni Shaefer's amazing book 'Life Without Ed' which Ms. W suggested I read.

Jenni talks about her divorce from a horrible marriage to 'Ed' - I see recovery from my eating disorder and breaking ties with a destructive best friend 'Ana'....I am halfway through the book and so far its the only book I have been able to relate to during my 'road to recovery'.....the one bit of wisdom I NEED to take on board this week.....

During recovery I will learn to 'DISAGREE' with Ana's rules, her habits and her opinions. I can already do this bit. However, the next bit is the one I am still struggling with - DISOBEYING her. I love my post-it note placed strategically in the chapter. Let's hope it follows me to the kitchen....

It's no big deal...is it?

I came across another blog this morning which I have re-read this evening and sometimes in recovery we look for inspiration from others. This is it for me today, mainly because I could have written it myself, it hits home and has made me consider my own 'NBD demons'

Loving Imperfection is worth following.

Her second letter to ED is poignant and hits home, especially the notion of 'No Big Deals' - every time I shrug off not reaching my calories, Ana say's don't worry. Each time I weigh or precisely measure out my food, Ana said, 'Don't worry, it's OK, you get comfort from me' and when I want to miss a meal Ana eggs me on. As I am eating, I feel I am doing enough, it's easy to think 'I'm OK." I haven't REALLY got an ED' I've talked about  feeling like I am 'faking' it and I could TOTALLY eat whatever I wanted if I tried. It's NBD if I count is it? If I chose things because of their calories instead of their taste? and it's totally normal to think about food all day, isn't it? Like I said, NBD?

But realistically these are the final ropes of my ED tied around my hands. This is something I have learnt today.

It's Ana is trying to keep her hold on my life, she's looking for new ways to continue being the sneaky bitch that she is. - trying to tell me that all these habits and rituals around food are 'normal' 

ANA, GIRL, THEY'RE NOT.

 This is what Loving Imperfection said; 

"I always said it was ‘just my personality’ because I truly never believed my eating disorder was ‘that bad’ and I also always wanted to prove how capable and ‘normal’ I was by rebelling against advice, but all the while this was ED’s final hold on me."

and a quote from her second letter to 'Ed' 

"You have taken one of my strongest attributes – determination and you have morphed it into a self hating mask of rebellion. When someone tells you “NO” you fire up in anger and say, “Watch me.” as if there is something to prove. Up until now, I’ve stayed in your revolting command, obliviously covering it all up with “no big deals” and “so whats.” So let me ask you this: If all of these “no big deals” were truly no big deal, then why have I landed here in treatment?

Read more on her blog or follow her on Twitter

She and Her...

My therapist set me a self characterisation task. This was so hard to do this week. I panicked that I was doing it wrong, that I wasn't writing the right things and that sums it all up! I'm not sure what Ms. W will make of it, or what it says about me, but after the week I've had, I am pretty sure I have a long way to go in changing some on my destructive and dysfunctional beliefs....


"She is a complex character with a lot to say. She’s not afraid of speaking up about her opinion or voicing her complaints or comments when she wants to. Although, sometimes you have to sieve what she says for effect or to be contrary, from the bits she really feels or means honestly. Her likes and dislikes can change from day to day or hour to hour and it can sometimes be exhausting to keep up.

On the surface She seems driven and focused on achieving her ambitions and dreams but it is clear to those that know her that more often than not she is trying to convince herself that she knows which path she’d rather be on. This uncertainty in her own thoughts and ambitions can almost seems like she’s out to prove something to everyone around her and to herself.

One of her major struggles is her inability to live in the here and now and accept things for the way they are. She almost seems to live in the past, always dragging up old emotions, blaming herself for things that were sometimes not even her own wrong doing, without even realising she’s doing it. She blames herself for things that sometimes weren’t even her fault and convinces herself they were. If she isn’t playing old events and situations around in her head, she’s planning and worrying about the future. Worried about whether she is ever going to be able to reach her high goals of getting what she wants or whether she is going to mess it all up.

Her need for control is clear for us all to see and she even knows the extent of her desire herself. Al is fine and well until the control is taken away from her and then if that dreaded situation ever occurs, her mood can switch quickly. Her defences go up and her tone becomes less open and chatty and becomes more argumentative and defensive. It almost seems that the loss of control over a situation is too much for her to handle and the barriers go up to protect her weakness.

This can also be seen when she doubts the value of her opinions or if she or her work are criticised. It doesn’t stop there though, she joins in and her habit of being her worst critic comes into action. To those who don’t know her, this is more than likely to be perceived as an inability to take criticism on board, even if it is constructive. But it’s quite the opposite. If you get to really know her you’ll understand that it is because she is her biggest critic and tortures herself for not having done something perfectly in the first place.

Her chatty personality comes across as confident and bubbly on the surface when faced with social events but the internal monologue she is used to hearing paints a very different picture of her. She seems unable to stop comparing herself, physically and socially to anyone who comes into contact with, even her best friends and family. She can almost seem envious or jealous of those around her and her competitiveness ensures she can’t accept being the one no one else envies.

She might not be the prettiest the richest or the most ‘career’ successful of her friends, but she is also not the one with a husband, house or child. Most of the people around her can accept their ‘place’ in society and accept themselves, but not Sarah. She can’t accept any of it. It is almost as though she doesn’t feel good enough in any of these areas, never mind achieving her goals of being the one they envy.

At 26 years old, she has only recently realised the extent to which she has managed to keep up her internal conflict of control and self-doubt whilst portraying a driven, independent and confident women on the surface. It is only after unpeeling some of her layers that you realise that those moments of defensive comments or the times her mood switches or that day she snapped, were pockets of herself hate seeping to the surface in moments of weakness. They are the moments when you realise that she is not she strong as she seems"

I don’t want her life, but I can’t shut Ana up?

I have chosen to recover, but I am not recovered. I am therefore IN RECOVERY and ‘Ana’ is still wittering on in my ear.

I’m really struggling with this concept over the last day or so. In a round-about way I came to the conclusion that this is my biggest battle in recovery so far. I’m in a place right now which is a lot like limbo. I also can't deal with idea that there is no end date to this battle, I can't say, I am going to be better by.... "XX" or make plans for 'after' my ED - because I don't know when 'after' will be?

Ana also keeps mentioning a friend of mine who is currently suffering from bulimia. Each time I speak to the said friend, who is having treatment, but hasn’t ‘chosen’ to recover yet, Ana won’t shut up. She taps in to my thoughts about the friend and it starts her off. She makes me feel like I am a traitor to her and her lifestyle.

It’s like jealously that Ana is still friends with my friend and that my friend is still able to listen to her. At the same time I am horrified that my friend can’t see past Ana’s games and lies. That she doesn’t ‘want’ to recover.  I told my Mrs. W about her during my session this week, and she agrees that the friend is most definitely a trigger. 

Maybe it’s a weird jealously because I still crave the safety and comfort of the control that Ana had and gave through her rigid lifestyle. Slipping under her control is easier than the battle isn't it? But it's not better. I can still think of it and still have a taste of it, yet I can see beyond them and want more from life than what those games can offer?

She wouldn’t shut up when I was choosing my lunch today either. She makes me compare how much I ate for lunch yesterday, and makes me feel good about myself if I eat less today. She makes me wait until I am REALLY hungry until I eat, she still loves it when I miss a dedicated ‘snack time’ or each time I choose a small cappuccino over a large. Every time she’s left unchallenged when she talk, talk, talks, she’s winning.  I am trying to challenge her EVERY time I hear her.

But the hardest thing to fight is the confusion she causes. Even trying to get these thoughts out is a challenge. I want to get better, I want my hair to stop falling out, I want to clear my head from thoughts about food, I want to be free from counting, games and weighing. BUT I am not able to face it head on; I am not able to go above and beyond. I can’t let go of all control and I can’t seem to strip Ana of her voice or stop all of her games just yet. I try and try to do it, but always seem to fall back to looking for the calories or counting or feeling guilty for going against her rules.

I don’t like the fact I still let her control thoughts and behaviours but I hate the thought of not hearing her at all. Even though signs tell me I WONT lose control, it doesn’t stop the FEAR of losing control is overwhelming. 

Defining Recovery: The 'Official' Bit...

So, after writing down how I would define recovery, what I will feel when I am recovered and all of the things that will be different when 'Ana' has vanished, I wondered  how recovery is defined clincally. What will 'Team Recovery' want to see before they agree I am recovered?

Then I came across this on FEAST website...and I realised how far I have to go to tick all these little boxes - They are 25 keys to kicking Ana aren't they really?

SIGNS OF RECOVERY

Published by Cris Haltom in the EATING DISORDER SURVIVAL GUIDE, May 25, 2006

1. Eating occurs at regular intervals and is guided primarily by physical rather than emotional hunger.
2. Metabolic rate, if measured, is restored and maintained at a healthful level.
3. The ability to recognize and respond to hunger as a guide for eating appropriately has returned.
4. Weight for height based on age and gender is restored to a healthful range.
5. For females, menstruation is achieved or restored and maintained without oral contraceptives.
6. Skin health, dental health,thermoregulation, hair growth, and digestion/ absorption functions are restored to normal. - I can't wait! 
7. Healthy body composition (lean body mass and body fat) is restored and maintained.
8. Caloric and nutrient intake is appropriate for maintaining a healthy weight and body composition. - 2000? Maybe one day.....
9. Purging behavior, e.g., self-induced vomiting and laxative or enema use, is absent.
10. Use of diet pills or appetite suppressants is absent.
11. Excessive exercise is absent.
12. Binge eating behavior is absent or rare.
13. The ability to tolerate a wide variety of foods so that a good balance of high- quality protein, carbohydrates, fatty acids, minerals, and vitamins is maintained.
14. The ability to tolerate natural shifts in weight (one to several pounds) related to such factors such as hydration changes, illness, and season of the year.
15. The ability to tolerate 'spontaneous' natural eating - especially out in public. - This is going to be my stumbling block - I can feel that No15 will be the last ticked off.
16. Weight gain does not deter from eating well.
17. Acceptance of genetically-determined body type, size and shape.
18. The percentage of waking hours spent obsessing about weight, food, and/or body image is reduced to 15% or less. - Only 85% to go ehy?
19. The ability to effectively cope with problems in ways other than through disordered eating behaviors.
20. After physical health is restored, the ability to understand and resolve, other than through disordered eating, the issues underlying and driving disordered eating.
21. The ability to recognize signs of relapse and to seek appropriate help if relapse occurs.
22. Triggers for relapse thinking or behaviors can be identified.
23. The family as a whole has moved beyond food and weight preoccupation.
24. The family as a whole is able to identify, explore, and cope with normal adolescent issues.
25. The family as a whole has created a healthy culture around food and regular meals.

POETRY: Spotlight

This is a poem I wrote this Summer and wanted to share. It is my attempt at explaining how I have felt Ana in me for years and felt her presence for longer than many people think. It's theme of dance and stage is relevant to me and her desire for my spotlight, is her desire to control my life and my desire to win my life back....

Spotlight.

You thought you’d done it,

And pushed me off stage,
You thought you’d beaten me,
And locked this cage.

I know you’ve been there. Watching,
Waiting for my fall,
I’ve heard you sometimes,
Singing your tempting call.

Your idea of a perfect duet,
Lured me straight in,
You waited for my loneliness,
So your dance could begin.

You knew I’d always heard you,
Always. Such a long time ago,
Your rules were so familiar,
But I was happy with my solo.

You’re the girl I could hear,
Telling me I’m no good,
And the hands that embodied me,
What I shouldn’t eat, what I should.

I’ll give it to you though,
You’ve waited such a long time,
To push me off my stage,
And encapsulate what’s mine.

That’s what you do though,
You wait on the side,
You waited until I was quiet
And stepped in with pride.

My thoughts and your rules,
Take over control,
You’re constant abuse
Dents and damages my soul.

You knew I was unhappy
Dancing this stage on my own,
Your whispers became louder
And your seeds were sewn.

Despite your dance being clear,
I was a fool to believe,
The control was mine,
When you were so near.

Every mirror, every picture,
Every thought, every meal
You’d tell me it’s my fault,
And how I should feel.

As you came a little closer,
I accepted you in,
I welcomed your friendship,
And let your control begin.

You allowed me to rest,
And stop playing my game,
All the things I hated
But had stayed the same.

You showed me your dance,
And sang me your song,
It all looked so perfect,
I must have been wrong.

I felt so guilty,
For keeping you so long,
Waiting side of stage,
Quietly singing your song.

Your dance looked so perfect,
And your song so sweet,
Your rules, my obsessions
Your shoes on my feet.

Having you on stage,
Dancing my dance,
Your rules, your numbers,
Id given you a chance.

You shared my stage,
And followed my steps,
But you stole my light,
And forward you crept.

But enough is enough girl,
I am awakening again,
I can see your faults
And have felt your pain.

Your drugs are wearing off,
And your feet look sore,
I can see you’re struggling
Towards the stage door.

Your control is slipping,
And your time is up,
Your dance is becoming weaker
And the box office is shut.

It’s time for my solo,
My moment to shine,
So tie up your shoes, Ana,
This spotlight is mine