29 September 2011

I don’t want her life, but I can’t shut Ana up?

I have chosen to recover, but I am not recovered. I am therefore IN RECOVERY and ‘Ana’ is still wittering on in my ear.

I’m really struggling with this concept over the last day or so. In a round-about way I came to the conclusion that this is my biggest battle in recovery so far. I’m in a place right now which is a lot like limbo. I also can't deal with idea that there is no end date to this battle, I can't say, I am going to be better by.... "XX" or make plans for 'after' my ED - because I don't know when 'after' will be?

Ana also keeps mentioning a friend of mine who is currently suffering from bulimia. Each time I speak to the said friend, who is having treatment, but hasn’t ‘chosen’ to recover yet, Ana won’t shut up. She taps in to my thoughts about the friend and it starts her off. She makes me feel like I am a traitor to her and her lifestyle.

It’s like jealously that Ana is still friends with my friend and that my friend is still able to listen to her. At the same time I am horrified that my friend can’t see past Ana’s games and lies. That she doesn’t ‘want’ to recover.  I told my Mrs. W about her during my session this week, and she agrees that the friend is most definitely a trigger. 

Maybe it’s a weird jealously because I still crave the safety and comfort of the control that Ana had and gave through her rigid lifestyle. Slipping under her control is easier than the battle isn't it? But it's not better. I can still think of it and still have a taste of it, yet I can see beyond them and want more from life than what those games can offer?

She wouldn’t shut up when I was choosing my lunch today either. She makes me compare how much I ate for lunch yesterday, and makes me feel good about myself if I eat less today. She makes me wait until I am REALLY hungry until I eat, she still loves it when I miss a dedicated ‘snack time’ or each time I choose a small cappuccino over a large. Every time she’s left unchallenged when she talk, talk, talks, she’s winning.  I am trying to challenge her EVERY time I hear her.

But the hardest thing to fight is the confusion she causes. Even trying to get these thoughts out is a challenge. I want to get better, I want my hair to stop falling out, I want to clear my head from thoughts about food, I want to be free from counting, games and weighing. BUT I am not able to face it head on; I am not able to go above and beyond. I can’t let go of all control and I can’t seem to strip Ana of her voice or stop all of her games just yet. I try and try to do it, but always seem to fall back to looking for the calories or counting or feeling guilty for going against her rules.

I don’t like the fact I still let her control thoughts and behaviours but I hate the thought of not hearing her at all. Even though signs tell me I WONT lose control, it doesn’t stop the FEAR of losing control is overwhelming. 

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