POEM: What Did I Do To Deserve This?

I don't know what's brought this overwhelming feeling of not being 'enough' on tonight. My head is full of negativity, frustration, anger, sadness and regret. 

I don't know if its forgetting about how much my life has rewound itself over the last 12 months in moments of happiness shopping earlier, then suddenly remembering what was going on in my life. Whether walking around Selfridges put me in 'dreamer mode', then stepping through the front door of my parent's house brought me right back down to earth with a thud, or what? Anyway, I can't get it out in 'journal words' so I got it out in a poem..

What Did I Do?

What did I do to deserve this?

To have to feel this pain?

Why did I have to mess up this life?

And have to start again.

This illness has broken what I was.

Stolen my brain and bruised my soul

It’s eaten me away, while I starved,

And made me much less than whole.

I thought I was braver than this,

Could cope and prove them wrong,

However I felt and whatever I showed

Wasn’t I meant to be strong?

I’ve proved that I’m weaker than most,

Too many worries, shouts and screams,

When life should have been more real,

Sarah was too busy lost in dreams.

I wanted to shut her up,

My aim was to be the best,

I wanted to stop comparing

And soar above the rest.

I thought I could fix it all,

But I ended up making it worse,

I aimed too high, fell from the sky,

And put my life in reverse.

Now why does it have to be so hard?

Require me to be so tough?

When at times like this I feel

When nothing’s ever enough?

Enough of feeling so empty,

And enough of feeling so low

Fed up of feeling useless

Not Enough, with so far to go.

I feel like an intruder,

In a home that’s no longer mine,

I try so hard to keep the peace

And pretend that everything’s fine.

It’s hard to look in the mirror

And accept life for what it’s become,

So empty, starved, so hollow and thin,

No prospects and feeling so numb.

No end date, finish line or plan,

Nothing lined up and nowhere to go,

Just living to live with life standing still,

Not even knowing what I know.

Not knowing how I feel,

Not knowing how to cope,

Not knowing where I am going,

Just trying to keep some hope.

Its times like now I remember,

That the imperfection crushes me,

It eats away at my body

I just wish that they could see.

I just want to be okay,

To be fixed, back on track,

To be out of here, have a fuller life,

I just want Sarah back. 

POEM: The Longer This Goes On

A poem I wrote to remind me of the importance of ignoring the last little bits of Ana's games. How detrimental these little games can be and how they get under my skin.

I need to keep fighting. I need to keep snitching on her to my EDU team and those NBDs need to get switched to VBDs...every time.

The Longer It Goes On

The longer it goes on,

The harder it gets,

The longer I stall,

The less I forget.

The fuller I feel,

And the less I weigh,

The harder it gets,

To keep her away.

The more I hold on,

And the longer I stall,

The harder it gets,

And harder I’ll fall.

I don’t want to listen,

And I don’t want to care,

But whenever I try,

I still feel her there.

There when I think,

There when I talk,

There on the scales

And there when I walk.

She’s there when I try,

And there when I don’t

There when I eat

And there when I won’t.

I take steps away,

I run, jump and hide,

I block out her voice

But she’s hiding inside.

Waiting to grab me,

Waiting for control,

Stood there judging me,

Waiting for my soul.

I’m speaking my truth

And exposing her rules,

I’m trying to fight

And using the tools.

The tools I have,

And the strength I can find

To get back my body

And retrieve my mind. 

(c) S. Robertson 2011

POEM: It's Always Been You

A poem I have written recently about accepting how long I've heard Ana, how long I have be a slave to our 'friendship' and about being AWARE of her voice, as a way of separating myself from her. 

It’s you, it’s always been you

Inside my brain

Making me compare

Causing my pain

The frustration inside

The signs

The symptoms

The thoughts

It's you isn't it?

That makes me compare

That tells me I'm know good

That knife in the back

I thought you understood

The guilt

The shame

The food

The blame

It's always been you

Hearing your voice

Listening

That's not new.

The way you attack

Your plan for me

You waited so long

For them to see.

My need for perfection

My desire for control

Your need for power

My weakened soul

My dreams and life

You rip in two

And to Think I believed

And put my trust in you

POEM: If I Were Thin

A poem written after a session at the EDU with Ms. F and after a day thinking about HOW I got here, what keeps me here and the thought processes that have been with me my whole life. Through my work at the EDU and with my psychotherapist I am becoming more aware of my attachment, addiction to and hate for Ana.

If I Were Thin

Unattainable goals
The desire for control
The spiralling jealousy
Which plagues my soul

The constant abuse
Delivered inside
That nobody else hears
And from which I can't hide

The mirror is shattered
From the hurtful song
I can't look and like
Everything is wrong

I'm not the prettiest or smartest
The richest or most thin
And all of the blame
Comes from within

Have I caused this harm?
And done too much wrong
By caring too much
And hearing your song

Have I slipped too far?
And played for too long
why can't I let go?
And silence your song

My desire to be best
For them to hear my pain
Confusion and exhaustion
It drives me insane

I craved perfection
To be better than you
To be the one they envied
To follow things through

By being the thinnest
I’d feel confident within
Id stop comparing,
If I were thin

POEM: I Wish...

I wish I knew a way out,
A way to gain and grow,
I didn't want this life,
The thoughts,
But how was I to know?
I didn't want to be this way,
To lose everything I had,
My house, my job,
My dreams my goals,
To feel so lost and sad.
I wanted to be perfect,
And happy in my skin.
The thing I wish
I knew before,
And believed today,
is that
Happy isn't thin.

POEM: You

There are experiences in life I witness, see or hear which stick with me and I can't shake them from my mind. This happened to me yesterday after my appointment at the clinic. As I walked away from my session with Miss. F, full of ideas to help in the battles with Ana I saw a girl.

A girl, who probably wasn't much older than me, although she looked 20 years older. She is an inpatient at the same clinic I am getting treated at and seeing her struggling to walk down the corridor has stuck with me. I can't shake the image of her from my head, nor can I stop thinking about how ill, frail and old she looked.

I wanted to stop, hug her, tell her it'd be okay, tell her she's worth more than that life. But I didn't. And I realised that I need to do the same to myself. I need to remind myself that this is the extent of Ana's games and when I try and convince myself 'I am nothing like her', I need to also remind myself that I am.

As I went to bed last night I took this with me and I wrote a poem about her to try and explain how it made me feel seeing her, especially at the start of a week where I need to turn around my recovery, psychically and psychologically after a tough week last week. This is for you.

You 

You looked so frail,

Your face so old,

To our destructive friend Ana,

Your soul you’ve sold.

It shocked me to see,

Your delicate frame,

But it’s easy to deny,

Our thoughts are the same.

You’re tight in the grasp,

Of the same evil bitch,

But, me, I’m freer,

With the chance to fix.

Your life she has taken,

The control is not yours,

But the damage, your pain,

Still happens indoors.

I caught a glimpse,

Of pain in your eye,

It’s not a life you’d have chosen,

And neither did I.

Your delicate frame,

Covered in a mountain of clothes,

This is not the perfect,

That you or I chose.

Your legs were so tiny,

And your arms weak and thin,

I’m intrigued to know,

What you feel within.

There is a pain that links us,

We saw at a glance,

You looked at me softly,

And saw Ana’s dance.

I don’t want to become,

The girl that I saw,

I know life is worth living,

And I am worth more.

As you struggled towards me,

The look that you gave,

Your eyes were so empty,

Your body, A slave.

The sight of your legs,

The skin on your face,

Tells a tragic story,

Of Ana’s embrace.

Your life seemed shattered,

And your dreams ripped in two,

And I’m going to bed,

With nightmares of you.

I can’t erase this moment,

It’s stuck in my head,

It’s all I can think of,

As I lie in my bed.

Your fragile bones,

Clear for me to see,

The struggle you showed,

The look you gave me.

Seeing you suffer,

Has made me see,

If I don’t fight harder,

You will be me.

POETRY: Spotlight

This is a poem I wrote this Summer and wanted to share. It is my attempt at explaining how I have felt Ana in me for years and felt her presence for longer than many people think. It's theme of dance and stage is relevant to me and her desire for my spotlight, is her desire to control my life and my desire to win my life back....

Spotlight.

You thought you’d done it,

And pushed me off stage,
You thought you’d beaten me,
And locked this cage.

I know you’ve been there. Watching,
Waiting for my fall,
I’ve heard you sometimes,
Singing your tempting call.

Your idea of a perfect duet,
Lured me straight in,
You waited for my loneliness,
So your dance could begin.

You knew I’d always heard you,
Always. Such a long time ago,
Your rules were so familiar,
But I was happy with my solo.

You’re the girl I could hear,
Telling me I’m no good,
And the hands that embodied me,
What I shouldn’t eat, what I should.

I’ll give it to you though,
You’ve waited such a long time,
To push me off my stage,
And encapsulate what’s mine.

That’s what you do though,
You wait on the side,
You waited until I was quiet
And stepped in with pride.

My thoughts and your rules,
Take over control,
You’re constant abuse
Dents and damages my soul.

You knew I was unhappy
Dancing this stage on my own,
Your whispers became louder
And your seeds were sewn.

Despite your dance being clear,
I was a fool to believe,
The control was mine,
When you were so near.

Every mirror, every picture,
Every thought, every meal
You’d tell me it’s my fault,
And how I should feel.

As you came a little closer,
I accepted you in,
I welcomed your friendship,
And let your control begin.

You allowed me to rest,
And stop playing my game,
All the things I hated
But had stayed the same.

You showed me your dance,
And sang me your song,
It all looked so perfect,
I must have been wrong.

I felt so guilty,
For keeping you so long,
Waiting side of stage,
Quietly singing your song.

Your dance looked so perfect,
And your song so sweet,
Your rules, my obsessions
Your shoes on my feet.

Having you on stage,
Dancing my dance,
Your rules, your numbers,
Id given you a chance.

You shared my stage,
And followed my steps,
But you stole my light,
And forward you crept.

But enough is enough girl,
I am awakening again,
I can see your faults
And have felt your pain.

Your drugs are wearing off,
And your feet look sore,
I can see you’re struggling
Towards the stage door.

Your control is slipping,
And your time is up,
Your dance is becoming weaker
And the box office is shut.

It’s time for my solo,
My moment to shine,
So tie up your shoes, Ana,
This spotlight is mine