21 August 2017

Was it something I said?

A passing thought for many from time to time, but possibly one of the consuming thoughts I have on a daily, maybe even hourly basis. It's either something I said, did or didn't do or something I am likely to do or say, because, well I always mess it up.

It's not just a thought or two from time to time though. It's everything and more often or not I just can't let it go. I think I must have annoyed someone about something. I don't stop there though, I then go into overdrive thinking about how I can make up for it, or apologise for myself. 

I don't remember not thinking like this though, like I have 'messed up' or done something wrong, worried that it's likely to have annoyed or inconvenienced other people. These are old school thoughts. Of course they've evolved over time. From worrying about friends, family or colleagues, the basis is the same. It's my fault. 

What I do know and feel still is how anorexia will try and try to convince me this is just the way I am. A woman full of mistakes, a woman likely to make mistakes and make other people think as badly of me as she does.

It's the same fault I feel my body is, the same mistakes I worry about when it comes to eating or just being or running. The same way I look for ways to ease the mistakes or fix them. Undo the wrong I have done. The way I look, dress or act in any given situation or environment. That it's not up to standard. Was I too loud? Did I react quickly enough at work, should I have invited other people or could I have done more to help. 

One of my favourite quotes cut out of The Sunday Times for me by my former therapist is an Eleanor Roosevelt one "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do..." Which I can logically get to. Sometimes people's behaviour, moods, actions, conversations, looks or emails are less about ME and more about them, scrap that. They are mostly always about them, not me. But try telling my brain that. Nah-na. 

It's hard to explain the impact this has one me. I know I can't expect perfection, to never say anything or do anything wrong. I can't be firing on all cylinders, keeping everyone happy all the time. It's not even a people pleasing things, like for some. It's like I just don't want people to hate me or have reason to (what my teenage self would say) "slag me off.." or moan about me. 

But the biggest slagger-offer is mysef. And that is painful, because it actually IS something I said, to myself. 

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