It's hard to explain to other people, but sometimes I just need to retreat into a bubble, garden, space or place and switch off for a while. Not to sit and mope or get lost in my own head, but just do nothing, say nothing, be alone. Switch off. Recharge.
Some will argue it's running away from the world, to avoid facing up to situations or conversations you'd rather not have. But I'm starting to realise it's not running away, it's just taking time to retreat a bit. But is that okay?
It's like I just need to function in my own world, on my agenda and not have to think past that sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't want this all the time and I don't want to shut people out from my world completely, that's not what I mean. I don't particularly like being alone, I get bored and feel lazy and miss people. But hear me out on this, you might feel it too.
I know recovery has made me more selfish. But I see it as a positive, we have to be selfish to reclaim our lives from anorexia. It has made me more headstrong in what I do and don't like and how I choose to spend my days. In the past I spent far too long doing things I didn't REALLY want to socially, exercising when anorexia was driving it, and enduring situations I wished I wasn't in. I now know what I want to do now, and my God, I will (or will not!) do it.
I don't want to upset people around me by having this need to retreat to a bubble, but I do worry that it frustrates or annoys them. I accept some family and friends will never understand it (I am lucky my best friend complete gets it and feels the same herself). She explained it as needing to be alone to recharge, where some people need to be around people to do that - we need space. But it doesn't stop me over-analysing it like I am now, because I worry about others. I will always worry. I also think people take it personally sometimes, or think they know better about what's best for me. Generally, they're wrong. I am not being mardy, depressive or selfish. I just need to do my own thing.
And the times they're right? The times it would be better to be around people even if I'm apprehensive? I am generally aware of it too, know it's only anxiety or anorexia holding me back and know deep down it's for the best. That's when I pop my own bubble and leave my retreat.
I'll be honest, some of it is because it's easier to be alone sometimes, because being around people means I have to explain why I still have certain rules or behaviours that are blatantly anorexic. It means that I have to fully understand why they're there too, and I don't. It's sometimes because I am just too anxious about life. Or my self esteem is so low that I think people wouldn't like to be around me anyway. Or it's just a case of control. If I am on my own, I can just function on my own agenda, in my own way. When I retreat I just function in a routine which needs no thought. It's a little bit of tranquillity from constantly trying to set a new order or agenda to make sense of a world I still get worried about.
I also still struggle to switch off, whether it be from work or just generally relax. There is always something on my mind, generally higher level of anxiety than most. But I find other people don't always help ease it, mainly because I get the urge to talk about what's going on in my mind, I tie myself up in knots and then feel worse. I feel like I have been over-doing leaving the bubble when I could do with staying in it, because I've felt I 'should' or actually the bubble annoys me and maybe that's why I've felt run-down?
Basically, sometimes, generally, my mind needs to retreat and can only function in my bubble.
