The formal period of recovery may be over, and the mass handover of notes and graphs completed, but that doesn't mean the process of recovering is done.
It's now six weeks since I was discharged from services, and I've not looked back. It almost feels surreal that I spent so many hours, days, months and years in hospital. In all honesty I have to pinch myself that I was ever that ill to need that care (another trait of anorexia there!)
Each day still feel like a lesson in recovery. And it generally is, I am both student and teacher.
I can't say I think about anorexia much at all, but that is not to say I feel completely eating disordered free. I know deep down I am still learning to be honest with myself and others about thoughts and food rules.
My GP has prescribed me AdCal for my bones and Norethisterone to 'kick start' my periods (which I'm scared to start taking, so haven't yet!) and when I told him my weight, he suggested I should finish restoring it. Nope, thanks.I am okay like this. For now.
That, I know is still eating disordered. But it doesn't consume much of my life. I just don't think about it. The same as weighing myself. I'm proud I've stuck to just monthly weigh ins at a local supermarket. My weight has been stable since discharge, but the 200g 'gain' last month did 'annoy' me. Not that I did anything about losing it - nor was I proud. It's just one of those things. I also can't get my head around upping fat in my diet for muscle development in training. Not sure I even want to. I don't subscribe to all that #girlgain crap. I just do what I enjoy. Running outside, Guerrilla with friends and the occasional PT with my awesome trainer Gaz.
Do I still body check, yes. Do I let the outcome, good or bad, affect my food. No. I just get on with it. Does other people talking weight loss, diets and 'bad foods' make my head spin a bit. Yes, it does. I envy them and don't like it when they're on 'healthy eating' - but do I know WHY it grates me. Yes. So I deal with it and try not to resent them for it.
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| My younger sister, me and best mate at a recent colour run! |
Despite this, talking to another post-recovery anorexia sufferer recently made me also realise how much I don't actually identify with people trapped by theirs any more. Which is scary and amazing at the same time. Being in that web really doesn't feel anything close to where I am at. I can barely remember being that ill. That doesn't mean I don't feel guilt or nerves about certain foods or situations, but I am firmly the one in control. That's key.
Truth is I am still learning, and always will be. We all are at the end of the day.
Sarah, I've followed your blog for quite some time, and it is really great that you've made such progress. Surely the fact that you have not fully restored weight, and also need medication to kick start your periods, are unlikely to be unrelated. Aside from the psychological barrier of not feeling able to restore to a full healthy weight range. Isn't that desire to stay under a fully healthy weight still eating disordered... It is fabulous that you've made the massive progress you have, and you should be rightly proud, and keep on rebuilding your life to the exclusion of anorexia. But isn't allowing your body to settle at the weight it naturally wants to, part of the process of truly breaking away from anorexia, as much as we'd like to pretend it isn't? This is probably a reflection of where I am at personally at the moment, but I wanted to mention it, as you've worked so hard, it would seem a shame to let that fear about weight have the last laugh.
ReplyDeleteI am so pleased for you and the progress you have made but if you don't gain the weight, you won't get your periods. You e made it this far, you can keep going.
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