8 September 2016

Stepping back, swimming forward

Not going backwards, but stepping back in to the eating disorder unit where four hard years were spent swimming through the waves of recovery.

That's what's happening this morning, and it feel rather strange.

The review has been triggered by starting on anti-anxiety medication, which meant a referral to the EWIS team (the talking therapy/counselling service locally) and the fact that my anxieties are still so wrapped up in the hangover of anorexia - and are "too complicated" for the weekly sessions with their team. Hence, being shipped back to Kinver.

It could be that I walk in the service today and they give me a thumbs up, check the medication is doing okay (I'm still not sure) and let me go. Or they get me talking, realise how much I hold my shit together, how much I cope with DESPITE the negative thoughts I have.

I am not going back for a review with any of the team which treated me in the past, it's a psychiatrist I've not met properly before, which makes me feel a bit strange too.

I have no idea what will happen or what they will say. But facts are facts, I left services knowing I had weight still to restore, reality is, my weight is less than May 2015. I left as a singleton, I am now in a relationship which throws loads of emotions into the mix which I have promised the boy I will get on top of so I can let him in more. I still have food rules, I still don't like social occasions much, I still have my own little controlled schedule which I struggle to cope with much change too. Yes, I get it - all these are issues. I am aware of that. But I am struggling to see how hearing someone at the EDU TELL me that, will make me change.

I will give it the benefit of the doubt, and I am writing this down to enable me to go in there with an open mind and honesty.

But it feels so weird, yet familiar to go back....which makes Ana pipe up telling me I LIKE that I am going back, that I somehow want to. So, that makes me MORE dubious that this is the right step back to swim forward. I don't want those thoughts any louder.

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