When did recovery become a Quest?

I know, I know, don't compare yourself to others, don't look at other people's recovery and alter yours, or worse, falter or judge. But it's hard not to get riled when recovery bullshit is screaming you in the face. Or maybe the sight of quest bars and protein shakes is going to my head? 

First things first, I have no intention of changing my path because of someone else. I'd rather keep on moving in my own direction. I dont ever plan on eating a Quest bar either. But it doesn't mean what I see doesn't get on my nerves and play on my mind. 

You know, I think living and learning after anorexia can catapult life in all sorts of new direction, that's what's wonderful about recovery. You can end up finding yourself and living out the dreams you never knew you had. But embracing urges to travel, picking up new hobbies, making new friends etc. is one thing. Another is what's bugging me tonight.

      

Replacing a restrictive, controlled lifestyle with counted out and measured food and rigid exercise regimes isn't really the balance meant for recovery is it? Swapping days crying on a hospital ward at how worthless your life is, with twice daily trips to a gym isn't normal. If normal exists right?

Anyway, my continuing journey back to the sporty Sarah I once was conitues, part of me that went missing for three years, so I could relearn how to claim the enjoyment back - and I am. Thank god. I abused exercise, punished myself with it. Messed up and then missed it. I'm on track now though. But does that make me want to eat fucking quest bars or load on protes or go for girl gains (whatever the fuck they are?!) - No. Not one bit. I am very aware the fitness industry can suck vulnerable people trying to fix their bodies in just like eating disorders. That's the trap I can see others falling into, and it's blindingly obvious to see. Fine, just don't pretend you don't like the control.

I started this post saying I shouldn't judge. But I am I guess. But you know what. It's something that plays on my mind a lot, and yes, I still compare myself to people, in recovery and life. But if there's one thing you take from reading this, take this. If people posting their protein shake, post-workout meals or ridiculous training plans, you're not alone in getting fucked off. I do to.

My advice if their new fitness model life triggers you? Recover and run to your own beat. Have fun, be with friends, not the treadmill and soak up the sun and laugh inside as they count macros instead of calories. After all, there's an eating disorder called ortherexia isn't there. I don't plan on another diagnosis, but others are heading there. 

Jog on

"I run because it makes me happy, reduces anxiety and helps my recovery...and definitely not to burn calories...."

How many times have we heard this from someone trying to recover from anorexia? I am guilty myself of spinning the line on more than one occasion. I'm not being a hypocrite here, just being honest - I've lived this 'phase' of recovery. But luckily for me and my health I called my own bullshit on running, before I wound back completely at square one. 

Yes, okay, I abused exercise during my crash, burn-out and free fall into my illness, and some people didn't, and never have. We are all different on different journeys, yeah, we know that. But I really can't get my head around just how many recovering anorexics claim that they've some how miraculously snapped out of calorie-driven, low weight, walk-anywhere-to-burn-10-calories frame of mind  into 'running brings me freedom' state of peace and tranquillity in the space of weeks. If you have, gosh, I'm all ears. 

I'm sorry, I just don't buy it. You're HONESTLY telling me that on your 5, 10 or 25k runs you don't think about calories, losing 'just a little bit' or the fact that you know the training run you're doing at your 17.5BMI is burning, oh, roughly say, 356 calories? (More if you take the route that's slightly uphill?) Lets be honest, we both know you're not eating and EXTRA 356 calories to replace that energy you've used either are you? 

It's not only the inner monologue, but the comparing and competing ones too. Correct me if I am wrong, but anorexia is a tad competitive as illnesses go, isn't it? Don't you think I'll take your 5k Color Run and raise you a Great North Run comes into it too? Your 'recovery buddy' runs a 10k and you sign up to your local half marathon? Coincidence? 

I know I do it. I know I see 'friends' post pictures of their trainers, medals and finishers tee's and think 'Sarah you lazy bitch' get your trainers on and go and beat them. Show them you are harder, faster, stronger, better...do it, you can do it. But then I shake myself. I am in recovery. Not recovered.

I am okay with my truth right now, I'm glad I found it after a dabble at running more often. Trust me,  I'd love to be out there, pounding the pavements with you, running races and you know what? When I do run, I can run. I used to run  - fast. I will also run again, October actually, but this time I won't train alone and I will be replacing every last calorie I burn with each step, I've learnt the hard way how anorexia can ruin running. Twice.

But actually, back to honesty. I know my truth right now. I know when I run I eat less, because I feel like I should. When I run, I don't replace the calories used during said run. I take too much notice of times, calories burnt, splits and what distances others' are doing too. 

Everytime I see your training run, your race day pictures or your 'I'm super-recovery girl' now posts, I don't push myself to compete with you any more. I sit back, and remind myself of my truth and hope that you listen to yours too. And listen hard, before you run straight back to the eating disorders ward, with the others who thought they could jog on with anorexia as their coach. 

NB* This isn't to say some people CAN'T run healthily and fight off the 'anorexic coach' during recovery. Some people do, but we will all know our own paths and truths. I know mine, I'm still looking for a new running coach, any offers? 

Where's the BODY piece of this jigsaw?

So if I told anyone how I felt about my body today, they'd probably tell me the usual 'it's anorexia making you feel that', 'you need to accept yourself, warts and all' 'you're not fat...' Blah, blah, blah.

But I get sick to death of people telling me I don't FEEL fat. I do feel fat, I really do. I also see it. It's real to me. So please, dear GOD can people stop telling me I'm not. I am subjectivity fat, for me.

No, I'm not about to launch a career as a plus-size model (nor am I skeletal enough to strut it down a catwalk at London Fashion Week) but to me, I have lumps, bumps and bulges in more place than I care to have. 

No, thinking this doesn't mean I revert to anorexic behaviours. I haven't skipped my meals or snacks because of my disgust in my own skin today. In fact I faced a fear food I've not had in a very long time. But anyway, you and I both know anorexia's 'ideas' don't help fix anything.

This is where my head gets messiest, where I stop understanding and where despite putting other bits of the puzzle together, there is still a missing jigsaw piece in my recovery.

I poke my stomach or look in the mirror or glance down at my body and I just SIGH. Every single time, I SIGH, I don't know what to do, what to say to people, how to deal with it, how to change it. 

No one else is with me when I try Size 10 jeans on and I pray they're too big, then I have muffin top. No one else is with me when I wake up and already have a bloated round belly resembling someone who's 4 months pregnant. No one is with me when I throw my clothes around my bedroom because every top I try on clings to my stomach. No one is with me when I look at lower weight pictures of myself with rose tinted glasses. No one is with me when I put my running kit on and feel too huge to even run. No one is with me when I endlessly click on dresses on ASOS unable to buy anything because I know it won't look right. No one can hear the constant 'they think I'm too fat' conversations in my head, despite getting on with life (and recovery).

All this. Everyday. I wake up most days and still hope to find the jigsaw piece has turned up. I hope I look in the mirror and think 'Okay, I can deal with that'. Unfortunately, It never turns up.   

I can be SO positive and actually full-on positive sometimes, yet I tell myself such negative things, believe them and think all this at the same time? HOW?

This is the missing piece for me at the moment. I can put together my recovery jigsaw and do my recovery sums. I can see that sticking to my meal plan is a better option than restricting. I fully 100% know that anorexia will never fix this. I also felt awful at my lowest weight, so know losing weight and numbers won't fix it. I know that 1000x sit-ups a day or running every mile I can won't fix it.

So what will? 

My thinking right? Logically, I know that my thinking needs to change, but I can't stop looking at my body for the answers or solutions (or for it to magically change or appear the way I want it to) Nothing anyone says or does CHANGES how I see my body. It just makes me more resentful of it. 

The jigsaw piece I need to find to join this link in my recovery is in the head. But my head is screaming that I'm fat remember, so any suggestions to where the piece is would be more than welcome. 

I really hope I find this piece somewhere soon, it's so frustrating trying to remain positive about the other bits of the puzzle that I've worked hard to put in place, when I can't seem to finish it off. 

I never have liked jigsaws.

Ranting about STILL restoring weight.

I am confident that deep down I DON’T actually want to LOSE weight, because long-term I KNOW it doesn’t give me the life I want, but I am trapped by not wanting to gain weight right now.I just want to stay put, maintain, no more. 

Although, that fear gives Ana strength and makes her voice louder and lies more believable.

I don’t SEE the long term. I can’t conceive that each pound or kilo makes it BETTER when I don’t know HOW it’ll get better, I don’t have a plan, I can’t be sure it will be. I hope it will, but how do I know?

 Because of this, right now each pound and kilo still feels worse. I know it is so short-sighted, but anorexia really does blur the vision. 

The longer I listen, the more I listen out for her, the harder I look for proof for HER, the louder she is and the more shit I feel, it’s just the way it goes with anorexia.