Let’s just look at where we are!

As much as I try not to look back, reflect and look forward and set myself so many resolutions at this time of year,  truth is I like doing it and I actually find it quite helpful (as long as I don’t beat myself up about not sticking to it midyear and at this time next year!)

In terms of 2017 I guess I achieved quite a lot. I really got into my allotment and feel like I made a success of it, which I am really proud of, and miss it now it’s winter! I finally got my staff contract at the BBC which I’ve been aiming for since I got back to work, I took on more responsibility at work and challenge myself things I couldn’t do which includes taking a radio show to Belgium and going on tour for a week, which challenged me professionally and personally. It’s hard not to see the win in that isn’t it? I challenged myself to make plans and keep the more in 2017 and to not get freaked out about being out of routine. I’m not gonna lie this is not come easy at all and it’s caused me internal anxiety but I feel that this can only get better? I know I have a long way to go and half the stuff that goes on in my head especially last year isn’t healthy and it’s holding me back but it’s all about progress not perfection right?

At the very end of 2017 I went on an unplanned date and it seems to have been the right choice!? It was totally unplanned as I’ve maintained for a long time that I was happy single. But in the last six weeks I have eaten out, I have seen him unexpectedly, I have cooked for him and eating at a restaurant that he chose and I had no idea where I was going all the food I was eating. For those who know what I was like with my ex, after even a year I haven’t cooked for him or let him choose a restaurant. Let’s see how this goes in 2018!

Honestly, I’m not sure how much progress I have made in recovery in 2017, because it all seems very different to how I did in previous years. I know I struggled a lot With the guilt of not running and pulling out of races and doing less exercise. This has meant that I have gained weight and I can see it in my body shape and I’m not gonna lie the end of 2017 has been hard to except my changing body. The beginning of 2018 has not made this any easier. I still feel better when I am exercising and running but I’m not sure why I feel better? So I need to sit with this thought and work out what is going on. I feel like I should be running but I also like running will leave that there for now! I have gone back to yoga and about with is expensive and I feel guilty about spending money on it it’s really bloody good for me.

I am not going to sit here and make recovery resolutions about gaining weight, making progress in mental recovery, or pledge to let anorexia have less control over me, and so on. Because I don’t know where to start!

Mainly because recovery is not that structured any more. I don’t actually think I can plan that any more. I know what I need to work on and I’m very aware of how I still let my eating disorder control me and the bits I think I like. It’s probably going to be a case of riding the waves of 2018 and seeing which ones wash up those habits on different shores. A long time ago I wrote a blog on just keeping swimming and I guess as 2018 starts that’s all I can do.

Glancing back and going forward

Well, there goes another year in recovery...

And what a year it was, however quick it went, but Mrs W. was right, the years do just fly by and anorexia will keep eating away at the months, years and even the decades if I let it.

In the year, I would say more than anything I learnt to cope and manage with anorexia and the battle of recovery rather than really throwing myself towards 'recovered'. I've stayed afloat, alongside picking up bits of life, rather than doing an awful lot about trying to push and overcome it all. 

I've dealt with a lot too, more campaigning, more sharing my mental health battles, more work, change of therapists, etc, etc...

It has been 12 months of adding experiences to my 'life box' I've run, met people, raised money for Beat, been on TV, seen friends, rebuilt some of my life. Shared. I'm proud of all that. I tweet it all.

But, the bits I don't often say. No more beating around the bush, the reality check comes in as I'm ending the year weighing the same as this time last year, yes a healthy BMI, but my liver still isn't repairing, I still haven't got periods and I still don't have the motivation to be more. 

I know from recent conversations with my team, they're concerned that weight restoration is 'stagnant' along with my attitude towards recovery, if I'm honest. 

I've just not focused on recovery and the 'doing' as much as I should do. It doesn't seem as 'urgent' somehow, no one seems to worry. So I don't. 

The past few months I've had little motivation to challenge or push myself, I've just carried on coping with life (and not coping at times too). Swept up in a whirlwind of work, rushing around and focusing on helping others instead of myself. The latter is the ultimate crime in recovery. I know it needs to be about me. 

I can't say I feel any better about my body or that I am able to or willing to accept it any more than I did last new year. I'm not. It doesn't feel good enough. At all. But I guess that's the work for 2014?

Looking at my journal from New Year's Eve 2012, it is the same thoughts and beliefs about myself, but I also know work wise I was more confident today than a year ago at and I have got better at not letting my mood about food all my body get in the way of the things I need to get done. I have learnt more 'tactics' and methods to lock away the thoughts, the worrying and the insecurities about things. But that's what I mean, my awareness has grown and I've learnt to cope. But that's not the recovery I signed up for.

I am also questioning the amount of a psychological progress I've actually made since last year. I guess this is a clear sign that not attempting to challenge or change these embedded self beliefs, will result in 5, 10 or even 20 years of living just like this? No thank you.
Although, I was dreading January (and all the pressure) this time last year, but today I am more driven to do more and I have more ambition to make progress in life rather than it being as daunting. 

I accept that my life is much fuller in some areas than last year, work and campaigning about eating disorders are definitely, socially I do more, but I can't say that I enjoy it much more yet.  But that is where my 2014 New Year's Resolutions or pledges come in...

Recovery Resolutions for 2014:

1. Get out thereLive more, do more, go more, see more, work more, and stop hiding away because it suits anorexia to do so.
2. Beleive
Believe in myself, believe in recovery, believe other people, believe in the process.
3. Keep Swimming
Don't go back, don't tread water and don't drown with the eating disorder sharks. 

I do feel that this year's resolutions are natural progressions from last year's 'let it be', which I am better at doing, 'Keep Moving', which I need to apply to new areas not just work! And 'Decide, Commit and Do', I did start ballet I did decorate and I did see more people.

Like I said. I've been stuck here for a while, and that's where my pledges for 2014 come in, they need to help me swim on. In all areas of life, and as much as I hate it. With food and weight too. 

I guess I don't understand what comes next. 

Happy New Year. Here's to recovery and life. And progress. 

                                  

Happy New Year. Happy New Sare?

The first one is definite, it's 2012. The second, well, I am working on it.

Welcome! A Fresh start? A new chance to regain my life, a new chance to refuel and re-establish WHO I am and what I want from life. But more than all of that is my determination to see leaving 2011 behind as a chance to CLOSE the chapter on that part of my life and start writing the new chapters, the chapters leaving Ana behind and the chapters where the lead (yes, that's me) hopefully turns in to the heroin and the bad guy (Yes, that's Ana) is killed. For good.

But whatever 2012 brings, my intentions are to 

FIGHTING, MOVE FORWARD and BE FREE. 

I am trying to NOT set unrealistic resolutions which I can't ever reach, that only give my ED chance to beat me up if I can't live up to my standards.  I am not expecting the world. I am trying to accept that 2012 can't and won't be perfect from start to finish but what I am doing is not looking backwards. 

..to hopeful Health and hopeful Happiness. Cheers!