Recovery Journals Throwback (16th November)

Wednesday 16^th November 2011

I still keep getting these pangs of panic in the pit of my stomach when I think about the amount of calories I am consuming. I have this anxiety that might only take over me for a minute or even a second but it bothers me that it feels like I am out of control. It makes me feel like I am on a one track mission to being fat. I am getting better at noticing these thoughts and trying to switch my thinking and be realistic when I notice, but it is too late once I have thought it and have already panicked. I am trying hard to keep thinking positive and to remember that gaining weight and improving health is good, weight gain at the moment is good, and no matter HOW scary it is, it is needed and vital for my life to move on.

I am excited about seeing XXX tomorrow, but I am also nervous, because it throws my usual routine out because someone will be here. I also feel like I am hard work to be with. I struggle to relax still and just be me, and sit back and talk freely and enjoy my time with friends. I think it hurts so much and I find it so hard to do because it is a clear reminder of the ‘face’ I put on and the act I put on for so long to convince people I am okay. When I do relax or at least make myself make conversation and be sociable, I feel weird, pretending again and that scares me because when everything is ‘okay’, when I manage to keep a lid on my anorexic thoughts and problems and talk about other stuff, and push ana to the back of my mind I feel like I am faking it again when I think about it, talk about it or acknowledge my ED behaviors again. I am worried about going to the cinema, about feeling like I can’t have sweets or just let myself have popcorn from the cinema and I am worried I won’t relax. I am hoping I can, I am hoping that watching the film will help me forget about my ED for a minute.

I want to be me again, I want to be warm (why is it SO cold!) and I REALLY hope the next two days will help not hinder me. I am scared I’ll go into super defensive mode and make a point of negatives not positives to remind people how shit I feel. I don’t WANT to do this. I want to be positive about the future, not negative. I want to NOT feel jealous when she talks about her new job etc. because I need to be happy for her and NOT compare my life. Fingers crossed.

Friday 16^th November 2012 

I WISH I COULD SAY I GAVE A SHIT BUT I feel so tired slash drunk that I really don’t care.

I really can't  even be bothered to write in my journal.

All I will say is that I messed up, I thought id kicked ass, I thought id nail something, I believed for a second that Id done something really good, I totally let myself believe I’d done well, and guess what? I FUCKING DIDN’T. I screwed it – like that helped matters? Like that helps me disprove my own theory of being SHIT. It really didn’t.

I really can't  be bothered to explain, like its relevant to anyone but me anyway, but this is WHY I should not care and should not believe that I am ok or that I will do ok. I won’t. I can't  be arsed to get in to details. I know what I did. But I am not happy tonight and thanks to my own incompetence I probably feel like shit tomorrow as well as feeling guilty for the 100 extra (minimum) calories that my rum has in it. I am fat anyway.

I don’t care if people tell me ‘it’s ok, everyone makes mistakes’ they don’t realise how much of a set back this is, I DARED to believe for a MOMENT I had done well, and I fucked it up.  So I needed the rum, and to throw a knife across my flat, 

I need to not give a shit – I wish I didn’t give a shit but its just THERE in my head making me feel HORRIBLE. JUST GOING ROUND AND ROUND all the time. Every time I think about something -  I go back to not being able to change the fact I messed up.

Recovery Journals Throwbacks (11th & 12th Nov)

I am starting to sort through journals I kept through recovery and these are extracts from this weekend in 2011 and 2012. This was around 3 months then a year into treatment, it highlights the underlying thoughts that carried through and some of which remain 6 years on. 

Friday 11th November 2011 

When will this stop? When will I get a firm grasp on what the HELL is going on in my head and with my body?

I know I felt like this last week to, like there was NO CHANCE I could have LOST weight, but I have. It is yet again more proof that my feelings and anorexic thoughts are pretty much the complete opposite of fact. I don’t understand how I can feel SO certain that I will have gained, or at the very least maintained and then be half a kilo lighter. How can I feel so much fatter and not BE so much fatter? It just mixes up my emotions even more than they were already. I am going to focus on keeping Ana quiet about this loss and really try and use it as ammunition AGAINST her games. I have to, because like Wendy explained, the LOWER MY WEIGHT DROPS, THE WEAKER I BECOME, THE STRONGER ANA’S THOUGHTS AND CONTROL BECOMES. This means that no matter what I do and how much I am trying to eat and recover, Ana is there, creeping up on my, pound by pound.

It was a bit of a wakeup call that Wendy mentioned that both her and Fiona thought I looked thinner and not very well at the moment – because I get conflicting messages from different people saying I look ill, tired or some saying that I look really well and much better. But I suppose I have chosen the pictures people see on FB, to present a Sarah that is okay, coping and getting better, when reality might be very different. There is no hiding from W or F though, and I don’t want to hide either, but it is so much harder than I thought to give over EVERYTHING and bare all too. I do trust that they don’t judge me, but opening up about all the thoughts feel so alien sometimes. It also feels fake sometimes too, because it doesn’t feel like me or my thoughts because I’ve never said them out loud or thought of them in certain ways. But it is me and it is real isn’t it?

WHEN I RELAX ABOUT FOOD, WHEN IT FEELS EASIER TO EAT, WHEN I AM HUNGRY AND NOTICE I IS NOT ME LOSING CONTROL….IT’S ME WINNING

AND MY GOD I need to remember this. I need to remember that it is okay to enjoy food and for it to be easier and less scary to eat. That is a snippet of how people function WITHOUT Ana controlling them. Yes, these moments are still rare for me, but I continue to make myself feel bad and guilty about them when they happened anyway, so they feel like bad feelings and thoughts, not positive ones. Ana has convinced me for so long that these are WEAK feelings, like being hungry. Really, I know I should be embracing these new feelings, I should be glad I am starting to feel them and I should be AIMING to feel them all the time.

Sunday 11th November 2012

I looked chunky and fat next to her, but she said she thought I looked small, thin, underweight, I can't  remember which word she used, and I can't actually say that I believe her at all? I don’t understand why she’s say that when I don’t look thin – when I am NOT underweight anymore. I don’t believe it at all, but she did say it. I like the honesty she has like, that she still thinks certain ways that could be anorexia talking but she KNOWS that and is aware and deals with it, but realistically isn’t a denial frame of mind that she’s ‘perfectly recovered’ but more that she lives life but knows when thoughts aren't helpful – which is sort of inspiring really.

I guess that acts as a reminder that it is ok to struggle sometimes or look back as long as you don’t GO BACK – and struggles mean you just need to be more aware – NOT That everything is going wrong.

I am really trying NOT to focus on bad bits things that could have been better or on trying to work out how much I have eaten. But I do feel tired and LOW tonight – the Sunday blues, I don’t know – maybe it’s a reminder that I don’t have a social life and that I have work to do.

Saturday 12th November 2011

I hate that some mornings, like now, I wake up mega early when I really need the sleep. No matter how hard I try and relax I can’t go back to sleep. What I hate EVEN more is that my thoughts are instantly consumed by food. Today I KNEW I’d be having a sandwich and THEN halloumi cheese later too, food was the first thing I thought about, followed quickly about what time I would ‘allow’ myself to have breakfast. Apparently Ana says 8am! It’s ridiculous and I hate it. I hate that my ED makes food the central focus of my thoughts, but it’s always been that way I think. I don’t remember a time ever when I didn’t worry about the ‘consequences’ of eating something or a time when I didn’t make the food I was going to or the food I just consumed the focal point on my mind. The fear has shifted over time, from sick, to fat, to sick, to greedy. But now, as well as worrying about calorie content and the ‘effect’ the food will have on my weight, my body shape, on the way I appear to others, I still worry about food making me sick. Like I didn’t trust xxx to make my dinner last night, like he wouldn’t do it right because of contamination, the kitchen wasn’t clean enough AND he couldn’t make the correct amount of food. The internal monologue from morning to the moment I fall asleep at night REALLY does my head in.

I keep thinking about calories today too, anything I eat I am thinking about how much more I am eating than before, I keep going over and over the rest of the day, thinking about how much I have left to eat and panicking about it.

In my head I need to realise that me going ‘tomorrow’ will be a ‘better’ day is Ana thinking that tomorrow she’ll get away with sneaking in restricting more, making me eat less because I ‘picked’ today at cake. She convinces me that I can ‘make up for’ being ‘bad’ today \and eating too much. But I know I need to just stick to my meal plan tomorrow. I am worried that tomorrow is the most ‘open’ day on my plan thought and how AN thoughts could take over. But now I have made myself aware of this I NEED to fight it and if I want to get better, that’s my only option.

I just want a new day now please…

Monday 12th November 2012

I feel like I have SO much going on – that I don’t have time or energy to do things I need to – like there aren’t enough hours in the day and that I am going to forget things – and miss things and annoy people and I just feel – a bit all over the place and like I am so busy at signal that I can’t do things – like sort out my doctors note – my benefits and everything. I don’t know how to deal with the stress of all that.

I keep feeling guilty about having two hot chocolates and that’s on my mind now –and just having some cereal with my custard, while I was waiting for it to cook  WHY DID I EAT IT? I don’t understand. It’s so much easier when I don’t – it hurts my head less. I keep thinking when I walk to the station too – to keep myself going and not feel emotional that I feel in a total rush the whole time – I just keep hoping and thinking about burning the calories by walking fast. That’s not good is it? I just don’t want to gain weight and I feel all these things are really important in that.

It’s like loads of plates are spinning and I don’t know which to stop first. Or which to fight and which are ok.