Recovery Journals Throwback (16th November)

Wednesday 16^th November 2011

I still keep getting these pangs of panic in the pit of my stomach when I think about the amount of calories I am consuming. I have this anxiety that might only take over me for a minute or even a second but it bothers me that it feels like I am out of control. It makes me feel like I am on a one track mission to being fat. I am getting better at noticing these thoughts and trying to switch my thinking and be realistic when I notice, but it is too late once I have thought it and have already panicked. I am trying hard to keep thinking positive and to remember that gaining weight and improving health is good, weight gain at the moment is good, and no matter HOW scary it is, it is needed and vital for my life to move on.

I am excited about seeing XXX tomorrow, but I am also nervous, because it throws my usual routine out because someone will be here. I also feel like I am hard work to be with. I struggle to relax still and just be me, and sit back and talk freely and enjoy my time with friends. I think it hurts so much and I find it so hard to do because it is a clear reminder of the ‘face’ I put on and the act I put on for so long to convince people I am okay. When I do relax or at least make myself make conversation and be sociable, I feel weird, pretending again and that scares me because when everything is ‘okay’, when I manage to keep a lid on my anorexic thoughts and problems and talk about other stuff, and push ana to the back of my mind I feel like I am faking it again when I think about it, talk about it or acknowledge my ED behaviors again. I am worried about going to the cinema, about feeling like I can’t have sweets or just let myself have popcorn from the cinema and I am worried I won’t relax. I am hoping I can, I am hoping that watching the film will help me forget about my ED for a minute.

I want to be me again, I want to be warm (why is it SO cold!) and I REALLY hope the next two days will help not hinder me. I am scared I’ll go into super defensive mode and make a point of negatives not positives to remind people how shit I feel. I don’t WANT to do this. I want to be positive about the future, not negative. I want to NOT feel jealous when she talks about her new job etc. because I need to be happy for her and NOT compare my life. Fingers crossed.

Friday 16^th November 2012 

I WISH I COULD SAY I GAVE A SHIT BUT I feel so tired slash drunk that I really don’t care.

I really can't  even be bothered to write in my journal.

All I will say is that I messed up, I thought id kicked ass, I thought id nail something, I believed for a second that Id done something really good, I totally let myself believe I’d done well, and guess what? I FUCKING DIDN’T. I screwed it – like that helped matters? Like that helps me disprove my own theory of being SHIT. It really didn’t.

I really can't  be bothered to explain, like its relevant to anyone but me anyway, but this is WHY I should not care and should not believe that I am ok or that I will do ok. I won’t. I can't  be arsed to get in to details. I know what I did. But I am not happy tonight and thanks to my own incompetence I probably feel like shit tomorrow as well as feeling guilty for the 100 extra (minimum) calories that my rum has in it. I am fat anyway.

I don’t care if people tell me ‘it’s ok, everyone makes mistakes’ they don’t realise how much of a set back this is, I DARED to believe for a MOMENT I had done well, and I fucked it up.  So I needed the rum, and to throw a knife across my flat, 

I need to not give a shit – I wish I didn’t give a shit but its just THERE in my head making me feel HORRIBLE. JUST GOING ROUND AND ROUND all the time. Every time I think about something -  I go back to not being able to change the fact I messed up.