11 August 2017

I don't like it. Any of it.

I am gaining weight. I don't like it.
I am letting myself eat more than 12 months ago. I don't like it.
I am letting myself drink more booze. I don't like it.
I am letting myself buy milky coffees most days.
I eat more nuts and dried fruit again....
I don't like my clothes feeling tighter, or having to buy a bigger size.
I don't like my body at all. Particularly my stomach and bloated torso.
I don't like that I let myself do this.
I hate the fact I have stopped exercising so much.

But I am letting myself do all this within rules. I could bullshit myself and say that I don't feel disordered but I am not in the bullshit game. And on the flipside...

I don't like that I still have SO MANY food rules.
I am stopping doing things I like. I don't like it.
I hate that I still count calories. But I do it.
I hate that my negative self talk win.
I hate that my life is still organised by food.
I am too sensitive and I don't like it.

But none of this is all-consuming. Just consuming sometimes. It ebbs and flows and feels like it used to back in the days before anorexia took control. Just frustrated and scathing of myself. Blaming myself for all of this, not knowing how to fix it.

I don't even feel like I can even BE anorexic and know turning that way doesn't fix things in the long run. I don't like not thinking I have options.

I don't like this half life. But the first list means I am stuck here.


  1. Doesn't mean you're stuck here at all. You have a choice - remain anorexic (yes, anorexic) or gain a bit more weight and enjoy the rest of your life. You won't always be bloated, it's just your body getting used to more food. Logically, you know this. What is the worst that can happen? You gain weight and become fertile, have more energy, be free for dinners, drinks, days out, travelling, parties and new relationships? or stay like this your whole life?

    Don't let weight or a number define you.. life is too bloody short x

  2. You sound so tormented. And I relate. I have been there myself. For years. It is shitty. And I don't think it's a choice at all (sorry Sam!!) because https://progressnotperfection.co.uk/2016/04/16/on-eating-disorders-and-choice/. But that first list, I do all those things, drink milky coffee, eat nuts and dried fruit, don't exercise, drink alcohol - and I have other difficulties that mean I still have an ED. I restrict in other ways. And the safeness that comes from those rules feels necessary. I really wish I could help (and I know you don't want that and it probably feels like I think I 'get' how stuff is for you when I don't) but I just wish so much that you could access some more help because I really think it WOULD help. Sending love. (It's Emma btw, I can't get my wordpress login to work x)