The never ending number niggles

Don't read into this as me being at war with my body, or hating my weight or even being scared of food or meal times. It's not like that.

What I can't tell is what's bothering me and what my mind is expecting me to do about solving the conflict.

Before being discharged from services back in March I agreed the best solution to the 'to weigh or not to weigh' issue was a monthly weigh in on public scales at the leisure centre or supermarket. That's been working out fine. It means I'm not tempted to 'just check' my weight more regularly and it's the same scales, so I don't worry about 'the right number' and fret over that.

This morning was sixth month of this routine. A routine which I know is more obsessive than it should be. I go at the same time, wear the same clothes and worry that I might need another wee before stepping on, just incase it's not my 'real weight'. (I think in another life I would make a brilliant Scientist with these controlled experiments!) 

I do worry about the numbers. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that. I don't want them to go up, something I wish I could stop making an issue. The thing is, my weight is down since leaving treatment. Not significantly, but enough to leave me with the lingering fear of getting back to where I was when I waved goodbye to my EDU team. Although today, it was up by 0.4kg on last month. And that throws up conflicts I wish I didn't still have.

I don't try to lose weight, but I don't try to gain either. Anyone who's had anorexia will know the temptation to lose weight is there. The secret hope that stress, or a busy life or the day when you ate a little less meant you lost 'a little' or at least stayed the same. That 0.4kg, 400g, half a pound, bothers me. Not significantly. It just niggles away. Makes me blame myself. That I've eaten too much somewhere this month, that despite running and exercising I have gained weight, when other people eat more than me and lose it. I just want to know why. Have an answer. 

It's not like I'm sat here crying or tearing my hair out - or even changed my breakfast when I got back. I have no intentions of doing that. But it just annoys me. Confirms that I still let my weight get on my nerves, like it always have. In a resentful not hateful way. 

Truth is I AM Conflicted over the benefits of even knowing or if I should confide in a friend about the real numbers and the loss since discharge. No one's noticed, so it's not an issue. I'm not restricting my diet in a way that makes it hollow, I'm generally getting on with life? Plus, I don't really know what to say or the response I'm expecting? Someone will pipe up about 'the need to fully gain weight' and 'recovery being about a healthy weight for your body' and I'm very aware of the rhetoric. I'm  aware that I still hate the idea of weight gain. I'm also aware of the 100 reasons 300g difference in a month is fuck all. 

I'm aware of all that, what I don't know is if this allure of losing weight or the fear of gaining will ever go away after a lifetime of blaming myself for the littlest issue. 

Keeping Quiet

I have made the decision as part of, 'New Year, New Sare' that am going to STOP telling people my weight and progress and say I am doing what is required or not, because their all so often patronising ‘oh well done’ responses. They just really confuse me more than I benefit from gaining their approval or commendation for my recovery. From now on  I am going to say;

‘I am doing what is required’
If I have gained weight and then acceptably maintained when I am allowed

Or

‘I need to fight harder’
If I lose weight because I need them to know I must fight more and might need their help if I ask

I need to take this step because I can’t keep going over and over my recovery, my sessions with Ms F or my emotions surrounding weigh ins and weight restoration because most people just don’t understand how the scales going up can be bad and good and how them going down can feel both negative and positive.
I am often faced with the question 'How I can want to get better' if I feel positive when I lose weight and not feel over-joyed with the scales reflecting me getting better. I can't ever explain to some people how restoring weight DOESN’T feel like I am getting better sometimes. 

I need to remember first and foremost that this is MY recovery and that is all that matters at the end of the day. I sometimes get an urge to gush it all out, tell everyone everything for a fear that  if it’s spiralling in my head between sessions, that I'll get more and more confused.

However, as a result of feeling so mixed, it often comes out confused, mixed up and making no sense to me, never mind anyone else, which ends up being more detrimental that the whirlwind of thoughts in the first place.

Most people don’t understand how I can separate Ana and Sarah and how in terms of recovery, weigh ins and weight restoration. They can't grasp that my thoughts and opinion on all three can quickly swing from HER thoughts and MY own ‘non-disordered’, logical opinion in the same breath. Jesus, I can’t even keep up sometimes.

It is becoming more hassle and upsetting than it is supportive to explain because I just end up sounding like I don’t want to get better, pessimistic and confused. Because in all honesty, I am mixed up about it, still sat in the middle of disordered and recovered thoughts about the scales.

I need to stop seeking the reassurance from the people around me, stop trying to work out if they are pleased with me, stop needing to know that I am doing the right thing and accept that none of them can really give me that.

I need to focus on ME.