As part of Body Gossip's Body Image Advent I have been thinking about my own issues surrounding my ED and my Body Image.....
I’d like to believe I was immune to society’s pressure to
look a certain way; I have attempted to convince myself I was for years. But
when it boils down to it, something out there has contributed to the way in
which I see myself when I look in the mirror. Perhaps it’s the constant comparing,
the inability to take compliments and my on-going obsession over my ‘worst’
bits that skew what I see? Or perhaps, I need to admit, it’s actually ALL of
the above?
Although my disordering eating started BEFORE I placed as
much emphasis on ‘how I looked’ (a mix of OCD and emetaphobia as a child) my
desire to achieve what I see ‘perfection’ has most definitely been a factor in
developing Anorexia Nervosa.
In my eyes, people around me, whether we’re talking about
models, celebrities, friends or strangers, they have always been prettier, thinner,
better dressed, got less cellulite and have better hair (you get the picture) than
me. My obsession with comparing my body
to others, usually unfavourably, drove me crazy. I believed that being the
thinnest, the most ‘in control’ of my body would help me stop comparing and
start accepting my body, because it would be perfect. I spent (and still spend)
a lot time WISHING my body was different, teeth whiter, hair blonder, tummy flatter,
and a lot of time moaning about these things to friends, again and again.
Of course, like I said, my BDD not the only thing that has led to
my eating disorder, but I do think it plays a large part in halting my
recovery. With the help of my therapist and dietician I can start to restore
weight and health, start eating a more nutritional diet and working a way out
of the control of AN, but it’s me that has to start accepting my body to move
forwards.
However, developing a less discorded picture of my own body
is proving difficult when every women I know moans about their body, wants to
change numerous things, is making 2012 the year they stick to Weight Watchers
or getting their teeth whitened. Plus,
those VS models are still there aren’t they?
So where I don’t feel Body Image is ALWAYS directly linked
with eating disorders, and not EVERY women who has issues with body image
DEVELOPS an eating disorder, when both eating and body image are both
disordered, it can be a long, hard road to improve your relationship with food
and to accept your body for what it is, imperfections and all. I should know. I’m
trying now.
I understand completely. I am so aware that I have a distorted perception of what I see in the mirror. When I don't like what I see, I try and try to remind myself that I can't trust my eyes or the mirror. Through practice (lots of practice!) we can see ourselves with more love and compassion and less criticism. Wonderful post!
ReplyDelete-Emily