What's this 'Identity' thing you talk about?

I dip in and out of watching recovery videos, and when I do, they're usually from the girls on We Are FreEDom Fighters watched a really powerful one recently which provoked positive thoughts. 

It was a powerful message about identity and something that I hadn’t really got my head around before. And it sparked this reaction in me....

..I’ve let go of some parts of AN but now I need to LET GO of even more of what I AM NOT and embrace the possibilities of what I CAN be, even if I am unsure of that that is at the moment.”

I just wish it was easier to do in reality, because it seems to make sense on paper, when I watch and comment, in this moment, but not generally in life.

But I do find that sometimes that I find hearing other people talk about their recovery and finding THEIR IDENTITY sparks awareness for me and the times that I comment as soon as I’ve watched something inspirational ends up making sense.

Jenn’s video tonight sort of reminded me that it is ok to be confused and not know what makes me, me but... If I keep hold of any part of Ana, I’ll never be able to know who SARAH really is, what I really like and what I REALLY want.

The problem here is, that it all sounds lovely and fine until I just go back to the BUTS.... “BUT ITS NOT FAIR” that I don’t have body, I want it’s not fair that I am not naturally thin and I wish that my identity was different, that my identity didn't like junk foods and I wish my identity was better.  SIGH. ....Hello there Ana, right?

I suppose it’s work in progress. Bear with me here.

Maybe you should watch Jenn's video and see if it sparks you to think about your identity too? 

I also think you should check out Arielle's videos on IDENTITY too - her words always inspire me. 

"Yeah, But...."

“You can’t move on to the next chapter until you stop re-reading the last one over and over” ..."Yeah, but..."

It’s something I do and say a lot.

Okay so looking back for a moment,  I lost weight last week, which Ana loved but this week I gained and it’s fairly obvious that Ana really doesn’t like this little stat! I am not excited by it to be honest although I probably should be? I can just about accept it (if I don’t think too much about it) I can accept that it NEEDS to happen. But it is another one of those ‘grey areas’ that I need to embrace. 

It’s NOT going to feel amazing to get better, to gain weight nor will I always feel horrified by it now I am in recovery. It’s not going to be perfect either, but it DOESN’T need to be. It won’t ever be.

I wish I knew how to describe how it feels when I ‘do well’ in recovery. I don’t know how it feels and I can’t define it as good or bad, it’s so strange and I hate that I can’t put my finger on the feeling, its one those ‘grey’ moments I despise. I get this indescribable reaction in my head when someone says: “Sarah your diet is nearly back to normal isn’t that great” I can feel myself thinking, NO, please NO, and the ‘Yeah, but..’ comes in to play.

I guess it is Ana trying to tell me she’d spend so much time and effort making me ‘different’ and ‘better’ than them and now I am going to be the same, eat the same, look the same? She wants me to believe that I need to be more ‘in control’ of my diet than everyone else. I also get the same feeling when people tell me that my ‘face looks so much better now’ and that my hair looks healthier and my eyes more sparkly again. I should LOVE comments like this right? They mean my body is awakening again, I am getting healthier. But no, Ana is constantly trying to creep in to my thoughts, she wants me to hate myself, hate being healthy, the same as ‘them’, worse than others, fat and she hates that I am taking steps away from her and shutting her up. She makes me look for the “YEAH, BUT…” in every compliment, accomplishment or recovery challenge I complete. I need to remain aware that the “Yeah, but..” I think is my eating disorder’s way of getting in to my thoughts and her way to control my mind-set. It is a new technique Ana has developed now she doesn’t always have a say over my food.

I think I also use the “Yeah, but” comments I make on a daily basis also act as a CRY or plea to the people around me  to remember that I am eating  now, but for them to not expect too much from me, to remember that I am still struggling on the inside. That I am still suffering, even though I am eating. I still have to fight the urge to remind people I am quite literally eating ten times more that I was three months ago. I need to stop this negative ‘backwards’ thinking and comparing. Ms F. suggested, try saying “Yes, I am eating my meal plan food, it’s hard but I am trying hard to recover too, thank you” every time I feel a YEAH BUT popping up when talking about food, hunger or portion size.

I need to remember that I don’t need to justify or ‘Yeah, but..” anything or feel guilty for doing well or for fighting this eating disorder, because it’s all I can do right now. The one thing is really can’t fall for is feeling Ana’s guilt, when it is listening to her that has caused this in the first place. I should NOT have to look for the negatives in my recovery to soothe her. Every time I look for them and refuse to accept people’s help or complement it is me soothing my eating disorder. Every time I SOOTHE I am not SOLVING it. 

Time to be a little more forward thinking I think...no 'Yeah. buts...' allowed

Running, Recovering and Raising Awareness

There are some people that really just are complete positive influences in recovery.

For me, one of them is one of my oldest, best and closest friends, Natalie,  who is constantly there in person (and on Twitter) to pick me up and keep me facing in the right direction for recovery...

We were in the car one afternoon on the way home from a shopping trip and were talking about her training for the infamous Hell Runner - HELL IN THE MIDDLE - race and asked if there was a charity she could run for that would support me and my recovery.

Not your average race...

I wanted to chose BEAT so that everyone who is directly affected by the devastating effects of eating disorders can benefit from increased awareness, education and understanding of eating disorders. I know I went to BEAT to get as much information as I could to find the support I am now getting in recovery.

It's only by donations and funding that BEAT can keep doing what they are doing and it is important there is money to fund research into treatment and even prevention of eating disorders. They help support suffers, families, carers and provide education on eating disorder. They're basically fab.

We want to try and raise £2000 to reflect the healthy average number of calories women mine and Natalie's age should be eating. A far cry from the amount I restricted to when I was at my worst.

For every training run, for every early morning, for every time she pushes through the pain barriers, the cold weather and find the motivation to train, I have promised to find the same strength, attitude and motivation to follow my meal plans and to keep positive about my recovery.

PLEASE sponsor her and her younger brother (who is also helping raise money for BEAT) and help raise awareness of eating disorders and support those who find the courage to ask for help...

SPONSOR NATALIE HERE  or click on the widget!