6 October 2011

Counting Calories...

...Like HoldingOn's video describes so well,  a big part of my anorexia and my recovery is consumed with counting calories.

Even now, when I am restoring weight, I am still counting. Every 1,3,5, or 10 calories makes a difference to my day, my anxiety levels, my life. I am FED UP with these numbers consuming me.

They stop me relaxing, they take over my thoughts as soon as I wake up, when I am in the supermarket. They are the reason I make some really bizarre meal choices and the reason I can't relax about some foods. Calorie counting DESTROYS social events, I withdraw from the table, eaten up by counting, adding and comparing calories. The anxiety levels caused by not knowing the calorie content of something drive me insane and the endless hours searching for the calorie content of food takes over my life. If I am not counting the calories consumed, I am counting the calories I've burnt. I needed total CONTROL over the calories that touch my lips, every single last one. Now that is easing, but I can't be carefree, and every 'nearly' carefree moment is followed by a manic look for the content.

The adding, the counting, the comparing from minute to minute, day to day. It is TOTALLY EXHAUSTING. 

I don't know why I bother, the totals NEVER make Ana happy any more either. So no one is happy when I am counting calories....I have already taken steps to STOP COUNTING:

1) Taken off all calorie counting apps from my phone.
2) Binned my personal food diary, and only use the clinic forms
3) Challenging myself to NOT count some foods
4) Relaxing about calorie content of fruit and veg
5) Not weighing all my foods

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