Turning the page

A new chapter in my recovery starts this week and like with some of the chapters I've already read, I don't feel ready to turn the page. 

But if I had waited until I was ready to pick up the book, I doubt I'd even be here.

I survived opening the cover, so surely starting a new chapter will be okay? 

Wishful thinking I know. There are some pages in recovery from anorexia I disliked the thought of, pages I wanted to skip, but had expected and had semi-prepared for; Weight restoration. Honesty. Medical bits and bobs. Meal Plans. Calorie Increases to name a few. But this next bit is different. It's harder to read.

Why? It involves saying goodbye to the woman who's helped me turn the pages so far. The woman who picked the book off the shelf and read the first few chapters for me. The person who dragged me kicking and screaming, until I was ready to hold the book and start reading myself. 

This week's about new turning pages, letting go and saying hello.

I'm changing therapists. 

I've known for a few months that this was coming, we've done some work on preparing me to turn the page. Although, I've done a very good job at keeping out the thoughts, digging my head in the sand and pretending that this week would never happen. That she'd keep reading with me. But it just got real, she's leaving.

It's up to me to keep on turning pages. To carry on reading.

I need to remember that starting a new chapter doesn't mean I'll forget what I've already read. There's no way I'd understand the pages to come, without having read the ones I've already read. Getting my head around the plot with Mrs W. has been essential for me to understand the rest of the book. 

I've been extremely lucky to have found a therapist who 'gets me', who works with me, who understands the way I work, who I like, respect and (sometimes) enjoy reading with. Someone over the last two years who's seen me cry, smile, laugh and scream. But I know I'm lucky to have the other characters I have in my EDU team, to still be working with my dietician and to already know my new therapist. I know not many people are this fortunate.

I've kept this in mind when thinking logically about this change. There are other people who have helped me get my head around this book so far. And although it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye to someone who knows me inside out, to someone who's saved me, maybe I need this unplanned change to help me keep reading. I have been on this page a while.  

And as hard as this week is going to be, I will keep reading. 

You never know, if I give it time, accept the story is changing and keep up with the plot that's being uncovered, it might just start making sense. 

This is where Dr B will be able to introduce me to the next chapter and fill in any gaps in the plot. He'll help me get my head around the next few chapters. 

Eventually, I will finish it. I will close the back cover and I will put it on the shelf. For good.

And when I do finish it, Mrs W. will be the first person I call to tell. I'll let her know that the recovery book's waiting for someone else.

After all, she's the one who opened the cover for me. Without her, I wouldn't have found the recovery book on the shelf at all, let alone started reading it. Properly. 

...and for the record, this was one hell of a book recommendation. 

You should try it. 

Just Keep Swimming

Do you remember learning to swim? The thought of swimming the length of a pool was terrifying wasn't it?

Well, imagine recovery from anorexia is like swimming the Channel. 

(Hard, challenging and a really, really long way.)

You know from the moment you set off that it's going to be tiring and push you to the extreme, but nothing quite prepares you for just how challenging it is going to be.

In the beginning, you're anxious, is this a bad idea? But once you've settled in and paced yourself, you're doing okay, moving forward and covering distance, full of energy and confidence.

But you hit a wall. This is where it gets hard. This is where I've been with recovery recently. 

One day you stop swimming and look around. Water, everywhere. Panic.

There's the initial shock of realising just how far you have left to go, but being so far out to sea that turning back is not an option.

Here's where the fear set in. 

"Too scared to swim anywhere, but also scared that if you stop for too long you'll sink anyway." 

Then the doubt sets in. 

You don't feel good enough to make it to the other side of the Channel, you don't believe in your ability.

You're determined to not start swimming back to shore, you know that achieves nothing (and you 'don't do quitting or failing anyway!) but you're tired, but there is no one that can swim for you. It has to be me. 

You know how to swim, you know what you've got to do, you know you've learnt HOW to swim. (All I need to do is move my arms and kick my legs, right?) But we all know there's a difference between knowing how to swim and actually swimming.

The problem here is that treading water wastes the energy you need to swim on... 

..but I've been using up all my energy trying to tread water for the last 12 months.

Maintaining my weight, eating regular meals (with the odd challenge and restriction here and there) worrying about my body, eating out, not eating out. Not eating with people, not cooking with people, but eating. Arguing WITH anorexia and arguing FOR anorexia. Listening to advice, thinking about swimming, knowing I can swim, but still treading water. Bobbing up and down. All the time, using up energy that could be getting me closer to the coast. 

"You can't stay floating in the sea forever. You'll sink."

I don't want to sink, that's just as bad as swimming back to safety, so I've started to push forward. Slowly. Taking it a stroke at a time, challenge at a time. Changing my style slightly to adjust to changing conditions.  

The problem here is, the shock of swimming again is hard.

The same arms and legs that have stopped me sinking have now got to keep me moving towards the shore. 

I still have a long way to go, but it's no good swimming back to Dover, because I'm too far in now. I can't give up. I am surrounded in deep water, it's scary either way, in fact, I am not really sure where I am or how far I have to go, but I do know how to swim.

If I am not turning back, I either stay here and slowly sink or push through the pain and reach my goal.

So, Sarah...Sink or swim? 

I've got my team cheering me on, but ultimately, It's up to me to change my stroke and get to France.  

Welcome to Recovery Limbo....

....I don't know how long I'll be staying here. I haven't got a plan, itinerary or time frame, sorry. I lost my map.

And here lies the biggest problem for me in recovery right now. No plan. The equation looks a little like this in my head;

No plan + No Control + Lack of Self-Esteem x High Anxiety 

Fear of Failing                                      

= Not wanting to face life with no plan + hating change. 

I feel like the only person in the world with no plan, when I have always been 'the one WITH a plan', even if it hadn't seemed that way at times and I've panicked,  I've always had a plan, drive, ambition, whatever, that's driven me forward and kept me going. I've had lists and timetables and structure. Control. Tick. But now it all feels so, well, disorganised.

Being in 'Recovery Limbo' makes me feel so left out of life, so unprepared, but not ill enough to be completely switched off from it any more. And that's the problem right there. 


When I was more ill, I didn't care about 'life' or a 'plan' - I had resigned myself to Ana's plan, that was safe and only had one track, easy right? THEN came along the choice of the 'Recovery Route' the route I wanted instead. It's a bloody long and tough route to take, but for me, the only one at the moment too.

It's only after 6 months on this track, and after restoring a little bit of weight and doing 'well', that I'm waking up, noticing life around me, sort of whizzing by a lot faster than I can cope with. I feel like I've 'missed something' whilst I was taking the other route. I feel like I've missed some sort of memo, misplaced all my lists, plans, timetables and maps and having to wing it. I don't do 'winging'. Fact.

I just want things to be better. I want a job,  that means I can earn money again. I want to be able to go shopping and buy lovely things. I want my own house again. I want opinions and views again. I want my ambition and drive back. I want to be able to go out without DREADING it or regretting it. I thought this path gave me all that? OR maybe it's just I haven't got to that stop on this journey yet? 

Although I KNOW I want more, I know I want to DO THINGS, something is waking up inside, but I still feel so held back by a barrier – by my eating disorder – by Ana - by my lack of self-esteem and confidence and fear of doing anything new or returning to anything I used to do– in case I mess up again, get lost, what happens then?

When people say ‘think of all the new opportunities you’ll have further along this journey’ Yeah okay, let’s think of all the things I am too scared to even contemplate TRYING because I am scared of failing at them too. So they don’t feel like ‘opportunities’ at all. I don't feel like I have enough of a grip on everything or enough of a plan to face life. But where do I start? 

I'm definitely passing through Recovery Limbo at the moment. With no idea of the next stop, the next track or the final destination.

There are just 1001 things I KNOW I can do, but 1001 things Ana is still convincing me I'll mess up if I try.She's still trying to convince me she knows a short cut or an easier route. She was wrong the last time, 'we' got lost.

I am stressing about trying to get things sorted, trying to get things ticked off my lists and trying to get life back on track. But which track am I meant to be on? That’s the problem I HAVE NO IDEA. I end up not actually getting ANYTHING sorted and just moving around in some sort of limbo for days on end and it is DRIVING ME MAD. I used to be so organised, so planned out, so in control, with direction and ambition. Now what? I don’t know HOW to sort it or WHAT to do and I don’t feel like I CAN sort it.

I just feel like I am not capable of finding the right track, but know I can’t stay on this one forever – I know that, it's not a 'open' ticket, it'll run out eventually and I need to get a new one. I have two options -direct ticket along Ana's path or the choice to carry on the longgggggg 'Recovery Route.' and hope I find some sort of inspirational place along the way? 

Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to Limbo. 

Standing Still equals Staying Ill

One of the hardest things I am learning to accept in recovery is the concept of continual CHANGE and the constant moves FORWARD that are essential in putting space between myself and my eating disorder. 

There is no time to sit still, no chance to catch your breath sometimes, but I suppose I can save that for when Ana gives up trying to convince me her life is happier and more fulfilled. I already know she's an expert liar, I just wish she'd give up trying to fool me. 

There's been a lot of change recently. CHANGES in my WEIGHT, CHANGES in my BODY, CHANGES to my MEAL PLANS and the most exciting is CHANGES in my THOUGHTS towards recovery...

The most relevant quote here would be “DO IT NOW; DON’T PUT THINGS OFF. IF NOT NOW, WHEN?” this can be applied to food, weight and recovery in general. 

I am still struggling with the weekly-WI's but my NEW theory. It's like getting waxed, the outcome will be worth it eventually, but my gosh it hurts. Doing it slowly and putting pulling off the little strips makes it feel 10 x worse than if you just GO for it and rip it off. So, prolonging the fact that to recover I have no choice to gain weight or not, recovery requires it. So I need to just DO IT, restore my weight to a healthy number and work with my team to help my head catch up. 

Finally, I have restored enough weight to PROVE to my team and to ME that I can do this. The trend has completed  a 360 and is now pointing in the right direction (away from Ana!) Although I am under NO illusion that there is a LONG old road ahead of me, it feels good to be making progress and for my hard work with food to be paying off health-wise. It's taken me 6 months of intense work with my Team at the EDU to get my weight back above my admission weight. But I have done it. Something else I've learnt in the last four weeks? They weren't lying, even little steps out of a 'dangerous' BMI make you feel so much more ALIVE and it DOES make everything a little less, well,  blurred. 

Same with food. I am learning to accept that there would NEVER be a right time for me to eat certain foods in Ana’s world. I would go FOREVER without another bite if she had a say right?

So every challenge, every new meal, every new food and every construct, rule I break and lie I see,  is me turning my back on my disordered behaviours in my disordered world. The more times I can turn my back, the more times I can disobey Ana, the closer a full recovery gets. 

This concept is helping me face challenges head on and realise that I shouldn't feel guilty or like I am 'messing everything up' because I'm not. I am fixing things the only plan I am messing up is HERS for MY life. And what was that plan? It was to strip me of everything, including life itself. 

‘THE LONGER I SEE AND ACCPET MY BODY THE WAY IT IS, THE MORE ‘NORMAL’ IT BECOMES’

Another reason to keep moving, to keep restoring weight and accept the changes in my body HOWEVER hard it is to do...

I was reminded by Mrs W recently that when she first assessed me I said that I ‘knew my legs were too skinny and I don’t want them to be’ This was a massive wake-up call too because now I think they look FAT and I don’t like them getting bigger. It reminded me that it is EASY to accept a body that isn’t healthy, one I never thought Id have, easy to stand still and avoid CHANGE. 

It’s a body that I’ve got used to seeing and one Ana has convinced me is BETTER or more PERFECT than the one I’ll have if I am Weight Restored, even if it isn’t healthy.The age old Ana lie that I often believe is "I’m not THAT skinny anyway" I can see how easy it could be to get caught here if I am here too long.

I need to remind myself  on a daily basis that my body IS going to have to CHANGE it HAS to if my life is going to CHANGE and if I want to make a run for it from Ana. The sooner I can really ‘feel’ like it is getting better, the sooner I can get used to a new, healthier body and work towards reducing the negativity about it. 

Without accepting the CHANGE in my body, I wont be able to CHANGE my life from one controlled by food and Ana to one that I control and one in which I start to regain parts of my life that my eating disorder has slowly taken from me....

Now, if none of that is reason to keep moving, I don't know what is......as they say, no rest for the wicked!