And here lies the biggest problem for me in recovery right now. No plan. The equation looks a little like this in my head;
No plan + No Control + Lack of Self-Esteem x High Anxiety
Fear of Failing
= Not wanting to face life with no plan + hating change.
I feel like the only person in the world with no plan, when I have always been 'the one WITH a plan', even if it hadn't seemed that way at times and I've panicked, I've always had a plan, drive, ambition, whatever, that's driven me forward and kept me going. I've had lists and timetables and structure. Control. Tick. But now it all feels so, well, disorganised.
Being in 'Recovery Limbo' makes me feel so left out of life, so unprepared, but not ill enough to be completely switched off from it any more. And that's the problem right there.
When I was more ill, I didn't care about 'life' or a 'plan' - I had resigned myself to Ana's plan, that was safe and only had one track, easy right? THEN came along the choice of the 'Recovery Route' the route I wanted instead. It's a bloody long and tough route to take, but for me, the only one at the moment too.
It's only after 6 months on this track, and after restoring a little bit of weight and doing 'well', that I'm waking up, noticing life around me, sort of whizzing by a lot faster than I can cope with. I feel like I've 'missed something' whilst I was taking the other route. I feel like I've missed some sort of memo, misplaced all my lists, plans, timetables and maps and having to wing it. I don't do 'winging'. Fact.
I just want things to be better. I want a job, that means I can earn money again. I want to be able to go shopping and buy lovely things. I want my own house again. I want opinions and views again. I want my ambition and drive back. I want to be able to go out without DREADING it or regretting it. I thought this path gave me all that? OR maybe it's just I haven't got to that stop on this journey yet?
Although I KNOW I want more, I know I want to DO THINGS, something is waking up inside, but I still feel so held back by a barrier – by my eating disorder – by Ana - by my lack of self-esteem and confidence and fear of doing anything new or returning to anything I used to do– in case I mess up again, get lost, what happens then?
When people say ‘think of all the new opportunities you’ll have further along this journey’ Yeah okay, let’s think of all the things I am too scared to even contemplate TRYING because I am scared of failing at them too. So they don’t feel like ‘opportunities’ at all. I don't feel like I have enough of a grip on everything or enough of a plan to face life. But where do I start?
I'm definitely passing through Recovery Limbo at the moment. With no idea of the next stop, the next track or the final destination.
There are just 1001 things I KNOW I can do, but 1001 things Ana is still convincing me I'll mess up if I try.She's still trying to convince me she knows a short cut or an easier route. She was wrong the last time, 'we' got lost.
I am stressing about trying to get things sorted, trying to
get things ticked off my lists and trying to get life back on track. But which
track am I meant to be on? That’s the problem I HAVE NO IDEA. I end up not
actually getting ANYTHING sorted and just moving around in some sort of limbo
for days on end and it is DRIVING ME MAD. I used to be so organised, so planned
out, so in control, with direction and ambition. Now what? I don’t know HOW to
sort it or WHAT to do and I don’t feel like I CAN sort it.
I just feel like I am not
capable of finding the right track, but know I can’t stay on this one forever – I know that, it's not a 'open' ticket, it'll run out eventually and I need to get a new one. I have two options -direct ticket along Ana's path or the choice to carry on the longgggggg 'Recovery Route.' and hope I find some sort of inspirational place along the way?
Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to Limbo.
I think we need to remember there is no one route, their can be all sorts of back roads and bridges and unfortunately all we can do is go with it, enjoy the ride because with every single bump and stop sign your getting stronger and more powerful than you can even begin to realise now. Your strong which makes it harder because in your image so is she/it. Both of you can't continue on the same road you know that. Or if you do nobody else will get a look in. Hope that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteAlso, let go of plans, timetable, lists. You are working independently at the min, on keeping yourself alive.
Death has no timetable either by the way :)