7 March 2012

Thoughts of the early hours...

So, my middle of the night ramblings made me cry rereading them this afternoon. It makes sense to me at least. I am so tired and stressed, it's getting beyond manageable....thank goodness for 'Note' app on my iPhone sometimes to get it all out....

“Nothing mattered apart from food. As long as that one thing was perfect and that one plan was on track nothing mattered, blocked the obsessions with everything else being perfect - now - everything matters again, everything has to be right and nothing is. Mostly money and my body. The other stuff springs back up now I am less fixated on food and without the pure obsession over one single thing- I’m back to panicking about everything mattering - and it's scary to be nostalgic over Ana’s ability to Mask all that - it was easy to quantify and compare good and bad days. High calorie vs low calorie. Gain vs Loss - happiness vs despair. Now it's all over the place - more variables and less controlled – just a mess.”

1 comment :

  1. Sare, you are not alone with this. I 100% get you. As much as it may feel like it though the truth is that being so damn exhausted by and obsessed with AN is not a viable option, not a positive coping strategy and no easier than facing up to real life really.
    The scary thing about life is that it's not black and white and not predictable, that's also the wonderful thing about it. You will start to see things as more positive and less daunting as recovery lets the colours come back (even if in mean time it may feel like a messy controlled non-sensical child's painting). Keep going my lovely.
    P.s. I am envious that you write so well and manage to convey things so clearly even in the middle of the night. Still please try to get some rest and relaxation sweetheart xx