5 April 2014

Rough Seas and Recovery Sharks

Anyone swimming from anorexia will know severe storms can throw us off course during recovery, send us flying into rocks or pull us to the very bottom in one enormous wave.

But that's not the only danger in crossing this vast ocean of discovery. There are hundreds, thousands, countless obstacles to overcome on this journey. 

Almost a year ago I wrote about the sharks lurking in these waters. Ready, waiting to devour those of us who let fear of swimming towards a calmer shore halt us, leave us treading water in these infested seas. 

Despite recognising the dangers of staying afloat in the same place, I thought I had the energy, knowledge and wisdom to out-swim the sharks. Brave, strong, determined. But it's happened....the sharks have caught up with me and are taking bites out of my body. It's hurting me. 

I've been out here at sea for so long, I've learnt how to survive, endure and live. But I haven't reached the Recovery Shore.

Without realising what treading water would do, I've been dragged backwards through my lack of swimming ahead. I knew floating and missing strokes would wind me back here, but I've given in too many times to the waves crashing over me, without noticing the damage each one caused. 

In some ways, seeing a clearer water, enjoying the sunshine from a strong place and the sharks letting me live a little have lured me into a false sense of security. But they've never really gone, they've just been distracted. 

But they've sensed my fear. And they're back, circling. 

The survival skills learnt out here do put me in a stronger position than before, my stroke is practised and I hope I've learnt a lesson from this attack. It's up to me to swim again. 

I need to remember I've got reasons to swim, nothing waits for me back at the anorexic coast, it's a dark, cold and lonely place. Staying here or being dragged back will pull me down to the bottom of the ocean, with no hope of return. 

What's worse this time, but also what will help me endure the pain of moving again is that I am not obsessed, fascinated or attracted by the sharks and by anorexia or the promises of a paradise back at shore. 

I know those lies, I've not been heading that way. She's not got the same power over me but this is proof that treading water allows her to send her sharks to me. 

But  instead of just 'washing up' at 'recovered', which never happens. I've ended up drifting backwards, getting weaker and forgetting where I was meant to be headed and why. 

That's got to scare me more than swimming through this storm.

(I need to remember why I have my anchor ink too. This storm could be what saves me if I swim on)

1 comment :

  1. This is so incredibly poignant to me right now. I am in the exact same position.