But the constant flow of recovery and life, up and down, sloshing about is making me sea sick. I've been trying to sit out the storm. And it's not working.
I keep having huge waves of 'Jesus Sarah, let go, this doesn't matter, you can choose to live a full free life' and really not caring about calories or control. I'll be walking through the supermarket and feel empowered to choose what I want to buy, cook and eat. I book a table at a restaurant and not worry about the food I am eating. I will swim on for a moment.
I imagine my life without anorexia, freedom one and for all. I imagine myself reaching recovery shores and the peaceful life I could have. Happy, even.
But the next wave crashes down on me.
It's like I freeze in open water- too scared to make a choice or my next move, afraid that the one I choose will be the wrong one. Worried that I can't see out the storm and when I do, I don't see my strength.
It's like I fear that swimming will be a mistake, fear that I can't swim and fear that swimming won't fix me or find me a solution. Worried I don't know where I am swimming too.
It's not even that I fear the crashing waves any more, I know how to stay afloat when the impact hits. I can catch my breath.
I don't sink with them, I don't allow the storms carry me back to anorexia. I am strong enough to withstand the current, sometimes. But it's like I go from 'I'm fine to I can't breathe' as fast as lightening strikes.
But they keep happening and I know they will keep on crashing down until I get to calmer waters. There is no let-up in the storms that happen during recovery. Yes, they get more manageable and less frequent, but they are going to keep on coming. Taking away energy and motivation to move.
It's becoming obvious that the longer I float by, the more chance there is of a wave crashing down on me that I can't manage. I am aware that anorexia has already weakened me, my body, my heart. I'm aware she'll keep on eating away at my health. With each moment I don't find the moment to swim, the more of a possibility of being pulled under becomes.
Maybe I need to stop the motivation for swimming being the FEAR of sinking and start believing that there is something worth swimming towards?
Because it's the fear of making a mistake, the fear of moving, the fear of reaching the shore and not being fixed which I'm starting to think is causing these storms in the first place.
Time and energy is running out. Playing it safe and floating is not going to save me now. I haven't got time to float, my therapist has made this clear. I've been floating for too long, since 2011 to be exact. A total of more than 200 session so far, it's not endless, they can't keep me a float for much longer.
I also know that I have so much ahead of me, that I can grasp on to, keep in my minds eye. But sometimes I have a mirage moment, and within this storm, believe I am already there and forget to swim forward. I do this a lot.
And every day I float. I am wasting a day in the sunshine above water. Every day I float, I risk being pulled to the bottom of the ocean.
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