This is the only way I can cope with the new bag of feelings being emptied in my head right now, but it's a festive way of coping at least!
A common theme in all of my therapy sessions and dietician appointments is always my fear of feeling greedy, gluttonous, out of control with food and with feeling hunger. In reality I have never been out of control with food - I just live in fear that I 'could be' or it might happen if I let my guard down. Obviously in the past Ana has been able to convince me I was right. That these were bad and acting on hunger = fat.
Now at a point in my recovery where I am on meal plans. Meal plans which get more substantial week by week because I haven't been able to restore (or maintain) any weight so far. Meals plans designed for weight restoration, for health restoration and meal plans that I don't DARE add up the calories of. But meals plans I TRUST are going to help me win. However, I am still faced with all these feelings, her voice and a whole new set of emotions each time I eat.
"Of course, it's going to FEEL like you're overeating, you're eating 10x more food (and calories) than you were 6 months ago."
and my dietician is right...I am. So comparatively I am eating lots, I will FEEL greedy and I will have moments when I feel like I 'don't need all this food' and tell myself "I survived without it didn't I?"
But that's the difference. My body was SURVIVING (just) and not actually LIVING. Which is why it's so excitable now. A child can survive without Christmas, true, but it's so much better when they can truly enjoy it and feel the magic!
My body gets excited each time I eat. It's like each mouthful and each extra snack I have or each challenge I complete. It's like my body skips around like a 5 year old given too much fizzy drink at a birthday party. I need to embrace these moments, I need to think positively about them. I need to keep them coming.
Realistically and scientifically I need to remember that my body is waking up, it's taking each bit of energy, each calorie, each bite from everything I eat and putting it to work. Fixing my liver, repairing my bones, building muscle and yes, adding fat (to keep me warm right?) so if I accept the state my body is in (see the 'denial' paragraph!) then it's kind of obvious that the food I'm putting in has a lot of work to be doing!
It also means that even though I am eating what sometimes feels like a day-long-eat-a-thon to me, I might still feel that ever-dreaded 'H' word, Hungry. I still struggle with the fact I shouldn't feel hungry and that feeling hungry EVEN though I've eaten more, leads to greed, which leads to fat. and Ta Da, Ana jumps in.
But like a friend on Twitter pointed out this morning when eating more ReadyBrek than last week felt easier than Ana said it should, like I'd eaten TOO much, that I didn't NEED to increase; "Remember, she'd say anything was too much - proof that she lies" very wise words don't you think?
Which brings me to a common theme. Denial - see 'Ana Says I'm Faking It' ....Ana still leads me to believe, if I was REALLY anorexic, I'd find it hard to finish each meal. If I was REALLY anorexic that I'd ignore hunger and look at calories. Oh, the denial right? I should be wise enough to believe that I am am REALLY anorexic, but an anorexic who's chosen recovery. This doesn't mean I am NOT anorexic.
My body lives in fear that I will stop feeding it again. It is scared that it if doesn't act, doesn't speak up and tell me it NEEDS more, I won't bother. It's worried that if it doesn't keep getting food whilst it can that it will stop living again. I need to stop underestimating the intelligence of this lump of mass I have here, because it's pretty smart, it remembers. I just hope it forgives too!
It's like a child at Christmas, excited all of December, for that one magical day, it's can't wait. Then when it comes, they never want it to end, worried life will never be that magical again. But it will be, next time. I just need to make sure my body knows that it happens with every meal, not once a year...!
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| The excitement on Xmas eve, I remember it well! |
Getting magic back into your life is the best isn't it? I sort of love how each day is like a present at one point... how you start to think about other things and notice things you hadn't before.... like how beautiful the sky is when running (instead of not noticing anything due to thinking about how long you've been running or how far)
ReplyDeleteI promise you, from personal experience, that exactly what you said in that last line (or two) will happen... That eventually it won't feel constant that it will just be - eating that is.
oh and the only people that succeed at eating disorders wind up dead. It's better to succeed at beating one.