A conversation
between Ana and me this morning…
Following an argument with my younger sister and knock on argument with my parents, this is the way the Ana and I sorted this whole thing out. I am going to start doing this more often so I can work out how to shut her up, once and for all...this is a technique used by Jenni Schaefer in her book, and I think it really does help me further separate my thoughts from my eating disordered thoughts.
Ana: Don’t eat your breakfast. They
don’t care about you and you don’t need this breakfast now. You didn’t want it
anyway did you? I will make you feel better if you don’t eat it.
Me: You’re right, I hate this breakfast. I don’t deserve to
eat it anyway, what’s the point?
Ana:
100%, that’s right –don’t eat it. Make a scene – It’ll make them feel
bad and guilty for not caring about you and you’ll feel good afterwards for not
eating it.
Me: You’re right, I want them to feel bad about this too.
Ana: So stop eating you selfish fat
cow.
<I WALK AWAY FROM THE BOWL – GO DRY MY HAIR
READY TO GET OUT THE HOUSE AND GO FOR A WALK.
THEN RETURN TO THE BOWL >
Me: Hang on, You’re not helping me are you? It’s just going
to make it worse by causing a scene. And you’re wrong, how does ME not eating
make them feel bad? It’s killing me, not them. You’re wrong!”
<I PICK UP THE BOWL
AND CARRY ON EATING, THIS TIME OUTSIDE ALONE and CRYING>
Ana: No I am not. I made people
listen to you before didn’t I? They can’t hear you. They don’t even CARE that
you’re crying
Me: Yes they can hear me. I just need to clear my head and
then talk to them about it when I have shut you up.
Ana: Leave a little bit of breakfast
then, just for me?
Me: Okay, but just a little.
<I LEAVE SOME BREAKFAST...THEN, WALKING TO COSTA>
Ana: Thank You for that Sarah. Just think, you're burning calories now too. Great! Oh,
and when you get to Costa you’ll order an Americano – because you’ve had too
much milky coffee recently and there are WAY too many calories in them. You’ve
already had too much this morning; you won’t have saved any calories if you do.
Plus, today is Sunday; you’re bound to eat too much later too.
Me: Ana, restricting my calories is not going to make them
feel worse. They are getting on with their lives and want me to get better too.
I am having a coffee light not an Americano, I've burnt cals and deserve it.
Ana: Okay, well you won’t be having
a burger with your dinner then or bread with your soup later, unless you like
being greedy that is?
Me: Oh, we’ll see about that Ana. By the time I have cleared
my head I might feel stronger again. Plus, I know I can’t let other people’s
emotions stop my recovery. Including YOU.
<I DRINK COFFEE AND WRITE THIS>
Hi Sarah!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment on my blog. Plus, it brought me to discover your blog! I really related to this conversation between you and Ana. I had a very similar conversation today. I was also glad to see that you're reading Jenni Shaefer's book. I truly appreciate her writing because it gives me hope for recovery. My copy is simply covered in highlighter!
Connecting with people like you is exactly why I started blogging. I'm looking forward to following your journey.
-Emily
Your writing is so honest. I am glad I found your blog, and I look forward to following you on your journey. Be gentle with yourself and keep fighting for recovery ; )
ReplyDeleteps- Life Without ED was such a huge help to me in my recovery. I am glad you are reading it. You should also read her new book. Goodbye ED, Hello Me. My copies of both of those books are highlighted, underlined, and written in! And I find myself re-reading certain chapters still today when I need a little pick me up in my recovery.
Thank you for your comments - I am so glad that her book touched and was useful to you both too. I am constantly underlining and making note in it as I read. I will have to order Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. - I'm sure it's fab too. Thank you for following. Recovery is hard and we all need inspiration from those who are on the same path. Keep healthy.
ReplyDelete